babybrowns Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Hi all I had a virtual first date with a guy last night. On paper, the guy is the kind of guy I’m searching for, a bit of a rare breed with online dating. But on the video date, I didn’t feel much Chemistry. He was doing most of the talking too (and he talks a lot!). I was getting bored. After one hour, I thanked him for his time and said I had to go. I thought he also felt not too strong a connection and that things would come to a natural end there. But then today, he texted me saying he had a great time on our virtual date last night and that he’d love to meet me in person. I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt to see if any Chemistry might be there in person, again because he ticks a lot of other boxes. So I agreed to it. But I’m wondering if it’ll be a waste of time, when I didn’t feel a spark over video chat?
Emilyinroses Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, babybrowns said: Hi all I had a virtual first date with a guy last night. On paper, the guy is the kind of guy I’m searching for, a bit of a rare breed with online dating. But on the video date, I didn’t feel much Chemistry. He was doing most of the talking too (and he talks a lot!). I was getting bored. After one hour, I thanked him for his time and said I had to go. I thought he also felt not too strong a connection and that things would come to a natural end there. But then today, he texted me saying he had a great time on our virtual date last night and that he’d love to meet me in person. I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt to see if any Chemistry might be there in person, again because he ticks a lot of other boxes. So I agreed to it. But I’m wondering if it’ll be a waste of time, when I didn’t feel a spark over video chat? Was there anything you liked about him? Any red flags? Listen to your intuition and how you feel. Every time I went to a first date not excited about meeting the guy it never went well, so I don’t do that anymore. And you also have a video chat to back it up.
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Of course you accept his invitation!! When you finally come across a guy that has it all on paper you AT LEAST give him a couple of dates before discarding him. Sparks can grow over a few dates. 6
glows Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Talking too much is a sign of nervousness and it also means he's not a great listener. Things to find out more of if you do meet him: when did his last relationship end or some idea of his experiences. I would be wary he's fresh out of a previous relationship and is inexperienced talking to women or other women. Over-talking is also someone who isn't quite present in the moment and is lost within himself. Selfishness is a turn off. You can stay openminded on the first meet if you wish but don't ignore your gut instincts. Good luck. 1
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Men are very nervous when they talk/meet a woman for the first time, give him a break. I spent 3 years online chasing down sparks and chemistry and it got me nothing but a gazillions of micro-relationships that didn't last. Finally when I started using my brain and not my hormones I found someone good on paper and chemistry grew over a few dates. I deeply loved that man and we were together 5 years. I will never again chase a spark. 5
Author babybrowns Posted April 3, 2021 Author Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) Thank you all so far for your replies. I understand that people can sometimes talk too much when they are nervous. We are both in our early 30s though, but he is someone who is quite open about suffering from mental issues (has anxiety) so that might be part of it. The talking too much did turn me off a bit though, especially since I’m a little reserved with new people (semi introvert/extrovert). I like a man who on some level matches that but this man seems to be the polar opposite.. Something else that’s a little weird is that his replies to my messages are hours late. This morning when he sent me that “I had a great time- let’s meet in person?”, I replied only minutes later and gave him the green light, saying sure let’s go hiking (something we both said we enjoy as a hobby). But he then took 6 hours to respond and just said great- with no suggestion of a time/place. It’s admittedly getting harder and harder to follow through with this! Edited April 3, 2021 by babybrowns
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Personally I have trouble reading people over video. I went to a seminar the other night given by a friend & professional colleague. In person she's a dynamo. On this virtual conference she fell flat & could barely hold my attention. I don't get much in 2 dimensions . . .sitting & staring at a screen. So my vote is you give the guy a chance. . . 1 in person meet. If he still doesn't float your boat let him down gently but definitively. 4
BaileyB Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Well, then don’t follow through. It’s entirely your choice. I have been out with a few guys who talk way too much... I would usually give them more than one chance, understanding that it’s easy to do this when one is anxious. But, if he talks only about himself and he’s not able to have the tennis match with you - to ask you about yourself and have some give and take - then it becomes painful... I would caution you though - who has chemistry on a virtual date? I would say, meet in person to decide if you actually have “chemistry” with the man. There are some things that just don’t happen virtually... 1
glows Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 It's only been this morning so let it go at least a couple of days and see whether he gets back to you on a date and time. It would be a turn off for me if someone doesn't have the details ready at the time of messaging (not very thoughtful or future-planning). Look, you get to a certain age and you expect men your age to have their lives in order and behave a little more put together so it depends on you and what you find interesting/tolerable. Leave it for awhile and go about your day and tomorrow like usual and don't pay any mind to this guy. Continue talking to other guys and plan other dates as well. 2
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 12 minutes ago, babybrowns said: something else that’s a little weird is that his replies to my messages are hours late. This morning when he sent me that “I had a great time- let’s meet in person?”, I replied only minutes later and gave him the green light, saying sure let’s go hiking (something we both said we enjoy as a hobby). But he then took 6 hours to respond and just said great- with no suggestion of a time/place. He should get back with an offer. He inquired if you were open to the idea, you said yes, now he should be working out the details. You don't know his schedule/situation, maybe he was driving that's why there is a delay, maybe he's visiting family or has people over, this is Easter Weekend after all.
Author babybrowns Posted April 3, 2021 Author Posted April 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: He should get back with an offer. He inquired if you were open to the idea, you said yes, now he should be working out the details. You don't know his schedule/situation, maybe he was driving that's why there is a delay, maybe he's visiting family or has people over, this is Easter Weekend after all. I know for a fact that he’s not busy because I spoke to him last night, he lives alone and has no plans to see family or friends over the weekend. I replied to his message and yet again he left me on ‘unread’, even coming online in the interim. This has carried on since earlier this week; leaving me on unread. If the communication is this bad at this early stage when one should be putting one’s best foot forward, it is not something I am prepared to entertain, so I ended all association with this man. Thanks though everyone for your insights. 1
smackie9 Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) First impressions count. If this guy is rudely leaving you hanging, I wouldn't waste my time. Pull the rip cord! Edited April 3, 2021 by smackie9
poppyfields Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, babybrowns said: I replied to his message and yet again he left me on ‘unread’, even coming online in the interim. This has carried on since earlier this week; leaving me on unread. If the communication is this bad at this early stage when one should be putting one’s best foot forward, it is not something I am prepared to entertain, so I ended all association with this man. To me, it's not even about "putting one's best foot forward" because that sounds forced and contrived. When two people are vibing well, naturally, there is none of that bulllshyt - intentionally keeping you on unread or waiting two or more hours to respond, or making a point to 'put your best foot forward.' That's a contrived game, best to avoid and focus on people with whom you vibe well naturally and effortlessly, where the interaction is open, free and easy. You did the right thing, next time don't wait so long. Edited April 3, 2021 by poppyfields 3
snookin Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Baby, Some people are not good a first impressions sound like he was trying to sell himself. Online dating is tuff because a lot of people haven't do it much i would give him one chance in person. Matt
cleverusername Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Holy s***, an hour long video date? I'd be bored too. Who cares if it takes 6hrs to respond to a text? Is that going to make the date a week from now happen any sooner? If he's perfect on paper, give it 2 in-person dates before you decide. You barely know him beyond an awkward skype call at this point.
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: I replied to his message and yet again he left me on ‘unread’, even coming online in the interim. This has carried on since earlier this week; leaving me on unread. Not impressive. You have nothing to lose to meet him face to face but his attitude already shows a lack of genuine efforts to bring this forward. 1
dramafreezone Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 No, if you're not feeling it don't do it. Just tell him what you're saying here, you didn't feel the chemistry. 3 hours ago, babybrowns said: Thank you all so far for your replies. I understand that people can sometimes talk too much when they are nervous. We are both in our early 30s though, but he is someone who is quite open about suffering from mental issues (has anxiety) so that might be part of it. The talking too much did turn me off a bit though, especially since I’m a little reserved with new people (semi introvert/extrovert). I like a man who on some level matches that but this man seems to be the polar opposite.. Something else that’s a little weird is that his replies to my messages are hours late. This morning when he sent me that “I had a great time- let’s meet in person?”, I replied only minutes later and gave him the green light, saying sure let’s go hiking (something we both said we enjoy as a hobby). But he then took 6 hours to respond and just said great- with no suggestion of a time/place. It’s admittedly getting harder and harder to follow through with this! Mental issues, anxiety, why is this guy such a catch for you? Just sounds like a bunch of good reasons to eject.
poppyfields Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Not impressive. You have nothing to lose to meet him face to face but his attitude already shows a lack of genuine efforts to bring this forward. Lack of genuine "interest" to bring this forward. If me, I wouldn't bother meeting him but your call @babybrowns. Edited April 3, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 4 hours ago, babybrowns said: But I’m wondering if it’ll be a waste of time, when I didn’t feel a spark over video chat? Good idea. What's a cup of coffee? Maybe he had the nervous nerd video filter on. Like the lawyer/kitten.
lovebooks Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 I vote for seeing him in person before you make a decision. Chemistry may kick in after a couple of dates. Get a chocolate chip Frappacino and talk. 2
Alpacalia Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 When I didn't feel chemistry with a man after a first date, I used to pass. But one time I tried something different, and the chemistry in the pit of my stomach exploded like a habanero. First dates in general can make both people nervous. Also, according to a study published in the New York Times recently, sparks fly on virtual dates but not so much in real life. You only get one view of someone through video. 1
Trail Blazer Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 On 4/4/2021 at 2:13 AM, Gaeta said: Men are very nervous when they talk/meet a woman for the first time, give him a break. I spent 3 years online chasing down sparks and chemistry and it got me nothing but a gazillions of micro-relationships that didn't last. Finally when I started using my brain and not my hormones I found someone good on paper and chemistry grew over a few dates. I deeply loved that man and we were together 5 years. I will never again chase a spark. They are? Perhaps this guy is, but that's not guaranteed to be the case always. Some people just talk a lot because they simply like the sound of their own voice. I think "spark" is important. I've never really found spark to develop over a few dates. Instant chemistry has yielded the greatest dating results for mine.
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 The video date thing not being awesome still gets my vote for meeting in person. You already being annoyed at his communication style; being upset that he left you on unread & him not actually taking steps to organize this in person date . . ..that combo plus the bad video date says to me he's not your guy. Next. 1
Gaeta Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 9 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I think "spark" is important. I've never really found spark to develop over a few dates. Instant chemistry has yielded the greatest dating results for mine. In my dating years I noticed 'many' men were nervous during that first approach. I should not have generalized. It's different for men and women. I recognize men need that instant spark to develop an interest. In my last 3 LTR I did not feel an instant spark, attraction built over 2-3 dates.
Gaeta Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 (edited) 55 minutes ago, Gaeta said: In my last 3 LTR I did not feel an instant spark, attraction built over 2-3 dates. Sorry last 2 LTR (typo) I was 17 when I met my ex-husband of course at that age everything was about spark. Then my following relationship I was 40 & 50 so I was aware it could grow over a couple of dates. Edited April 7, 2021 by Gaeta
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