He lives with his parents, red flag?

[introverted1]

 

15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

His parents cannot be that old he's only 41. He's going to enjoy them for the next 30 some years!

Not necessarily.  When my youngest child is 41, I'll be 81.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

 

Not necessarily.  When my youngest child is 41, I'll be 81.

Good point. 

I was thinking of myself. When my daughter turn 41 I'll be 61.

When I turned 41 my mother was 59.

[snowboy91]

Based on your description, a couple of things to consider.

Has he always lived with his parents? What is his motivation for living with his parents as opposed to on his own?

Is there some kind of cultural reason for living with the parents well into adulthood?

Living with the parents because of some sense of dependence is a red flag, but out of a sense of duty based on parents' ill health, or a basic sense of duty, etc, is a very different situation.

And a further point to that is how that fits into your idea of a relationship. The devil's advocate suggests he may live with his parents because they really need his support... but you could get wrapped up in that based on your own approach. You can't necessarily make assumptions, but you still need to put your own needs first based on the evidence you have.

[Emilyinroses]

31 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

Based on your description, a couple of things to consider.

Has he always lived with his parents? What is his motivation for living with his parents as opposed to on his own?

Is there some kind of cultural reason for living with the parents well into adulthood?

Living with the parents because of some sense of dependence is a red flag, but out of a sense of duty based on parents' ill health, or a basic sense of duty, etc, is a very different situation.

And a further point to that is how that fits into your idea of a relationship. The devil's advocate suggests he may live with his parents because they really need his support... but you could get wrapped up in that based on your own approach. You can't necessarily make assumptions, but you still need to put your own needs first based on the evidence you have.

He said he convinced his parents to live with him because he was lonely. No health issues with his parents, just that he was lonely.

Which is weird because he has a son full time living with him.

So assumptions aside I find this weird and not my cup of tea.

 

[d0nnivain]

If you find it weird & not your cup of tea, just stop bothering with him.  You two are not a match.  Doesn't make him wholesale wrong.  Just makes the two of you incompatible.  

[Emilyinroses]

42 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you find it weird & not your cup of tea, just stop bothering with him.  You two are not a match.  Doesn't make him wholesale wrong.  Just makes the two of you incompatible.  

I never said he is wrong. He has his own reasons to do that. Yes we are just not compatible.

[smackie9]

It's just not your style. Multi-generation homes might seem unusual to you guys, but I have known white families that do it too, no different than other cultures like the south Asian community. They live together like one big happy family because they all really enjoy being together, the children are taken care of by family not daycare, and the elderly are not shoved into a home. This also saves a lot of money so kids can have their education paid for, family vacations, shared vacation home, etc. I'm sure there's a single mom out there that would love to be a part of a family and welcome such an arrangement.

[smackie9]

I think someone else posted this...I thought it was pretty interesting. Mammoni: The mamma's boy

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He's 41.

The only guy's I've dated that age who were living with their parents were just post divorce and trying to scrape by paying for the ex and the kids and had no choice. It's not uncommon, but most adults want to enjoy a bit of privacy and space. Has he dated before in  this scenario? Any bloke in his 40s who is doing it voluntarily smacks of some kind of red flag though I'm not entirely sure what because maybe he really does love his parents but living under the same roof? It might sound 'ok' and like he cares to start with but have you ever dated someone and had to go back their parents if you want to do a sleep over. It's WEIRD when you're not 18!!!!! That said, at least he is telling you from the outset so what do I know!

[Kevin_D]

20 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well first of all I agree that everyone is different and to each their own. But, you lived with your parents until you were 29 and then moved on to buy a house with your girlfriend.

In this case, this guy is 41 and made the decision to live forever with his parents until they are alive. So any girlfriend he has if it becomes serious to the point of wanting to move in together, she would have to move in with him and his parents. That to me is not ok.

Yeah, I wouldn't agree to live with my girlfriends' parents. A few days every summer is more than enough. 

[dramafreezone]

This is on the level of "do you want kids?"

If parents are living with him is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to gain clarity on it.  If this is an indefinite arrangement, then you know what you need to do.  He's not going to kick his parents out for you.

Seems like a lot of questions get asked here, when you already know the answer.

It's not a "red flag," actually it's quite admirable.  It's just his thing, and not a negative comment on his character in any way IMO.  I'm the opposite end of the spectrum, I usually go 1-2 years between seeing my parents in person, but I stay in touch via phone and Zoom and that's enough for me.

Edited April 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Emilyinroses]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It's just not your style. Multi-generation homes might seem unusual to you guys, but I have known white families that do it too, no different than other cultures like the south Asian community. They live together like one big happy family because they all really enjoy being together, the children are taken care of by family not daycare, and the elderly are not shoved into a home. This also saves a lot of money so kids can have their education paid for, family vacations, shared vacation home, etc. I'm sure there's a single mom out there that would love to be a part of a family and welcome such an arrangement.

I love my family, they live close by and I see them often, I would also like for my partner to be close to his family, as that is very healthy and I would love to spend time with his family.

But, not live everyone together. There are boundaries for me I don’t want crossed. Privacy being one of them.

I told him how I feel about living with the parents, and his response was: ‘My sister says exactly the same as you’...

So yes maybe there’s someone out there for him who would be happy with that arrangement, just not me.

Edited April 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[smackie9]

Oh exactly. Not my cup of tea either.

[WWYD]

 

6 hours ago, NYAG said:

The only guy's I've dated that age who were living with their parents were just post divorce and trying to scrape by paying for the ex and the kids and had no choice. It's not uncommon, but most adults want to enjoy a bit of privacy and space. 

 

Can identify with this... I'll be out in 2-3 months max once I've got enough together for a deposit to rent a place, and to buy some furniture. I'm not dealing with being "back where I started" very well - it's like being a bloody 40-something teenager. If I get offered one more sodding cup of tea, I might throw myself out of the bedroom window!

I wouldn't understand anyone who actually chose to live with parent(s) at this stage of life, if they had the means not to. I'm grateful for not having to pay any rent at the moment (despite offering!), but I'd much rather have my privacy. And it really doesn't do anything for dating prospects in my experience, as this thread proves...

 

 

[Dis]

I've had a lot of experience with men who can't support themselves financially or in other ways and their stories are all the same

 

'Ohhhh I really love my parents though and want to care for them and spend time with them'...Ummmm, big fat lie. 

 

No, you just don't have the money or other means to support yourself and want to drag some unknowing woman into a horrible situation 

 

So ever since that, whenever I would see that a guy lived at home...no questions asked... just block/delete/next! 

Edited April 4, 2021 by Dis

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'd want to know more about the situation before nexting him. I have my own place but would love to live with my parents if they lived in the same state as I do and if we got along well. In fact, I would think that a person who gets along with their parents well enough to live with them would be a good pick to marry, rather than someone who couldn't stand to live with them.

People who get along well with their parents have established good relationship habits.

I also would think a smart single man could save up a lot of money by living with his parents, therefore starting out in a marriage with his own wife (in their own home) ahead of the game financially.

I respect someone who would care enough for their parents to help them out this way.

Since you wrote a post about it, not sure if you're just venting or if this is someone you'd like to date if not for the fact that he lives with his parents.  If that's the case, in your position, I'd think twice about it and not be hasty about writing him off.

To me, looking at a person as to whether or not there's a possibility of cohabiting in the near future is very short sighted. I like to think of situations long term. Surely he doesn't expect to move a wife in with his parents. Why not talk with him about his goals for the future? I think you wrote that he wants to live with them until they die. But, maybe find out their ages. Find out if there's an apartment on the house, and other particulars. And if his plan would change should he marry.

Those seem to me to be factors to consider.

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Emilyinroses]

5 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'd want to know more about the situation before nexting him. I have my own place but would love to live with my parents if they lived in the same state as I do and if we got along well. In fact, I would think that a person who gets along with their parents well enough to live with them would be a good pick to marry, rather than someone who couldn't stand to live with them.

People who get along well with their parents have established good relationship habits.

I also would think a smart single man could save up a lot of money by living with his parents, therefore starting out in a marriage with his own wife (in their own home) ahead of the game financially.

I respect someone who would care enough for their parents to help them out this way.

Since you wrote a post about it, not sure if you're just venting or if this is someone you'd like to date if not for the fact that he lives with his parents.  If that's the case, in your position, I'd think twice about it and not be hasty about writing him off.

To me, looking at a person as to whether or not there's a possibility of cohabiting in the near future is very short sighted. I like to think of situations long term. Surely he doesn't expect to move a wife in with his parents. Why not talk with him about his goals for the future? I think you wrote that he wants to live with them until they die. But, maybe find out their ages. Find out if there's an apartment on the house, and other particulars. And if his plan would change should he marry.

Those seem to me to be factors to consider.

 

I understand what you mean, but to me a man who lives with his parents does not mean he has the skills/traits for a serious relationship. It might mean the contrary, that he does nothing around the house and his mom does everything for him.

Anyway, the further things he said also clarifies it for me: he said he lives with his parents because he was feeling lonely (which is weird because he lives with his 10 year old son).

He also said he wants a relationship because one day his son will be older and have his own life and he’ll be lonely. So basically his call to action is being lonely, which sounds like some sort of co-dependency, or an excuse to not say he is broke.

When I said to him living with parents is not for me as I wouldn’t have any privacy, he said his sister says exactly the same as me. So maybe I am more a match to his sister than him! lol

I do want a man with relationship skills and close to his parents but that also has the capacity to live on their own and has the space for someone else to enter their life. At the moment this guy does not have that space.

And not just when we would move in together, but for dating too. Forget spending time at his house because his parents would always be around. Sorry but that sounds like high school for me.

I don’t feel like getting to know him better. Also after that conversation he stopped texting me, so I guess we’re done.

Edited April 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, WWYD said:

 

 

Can identify with this... I'll be out in 2-3 months max once I've got enough together for a deposit to rent a place, and to buy some furniture. I'm not dealing with being "back where I started" very well - it's like being a bloody 40-something teenager. If I get offered one more sodding cup of tea, I might throw myself out of the bedroom window!

I wouldn't understand anyone who actually chose to live with parent(s) at this stage of life, if they had the means not to. I'm grateful for not having to pay any rent at the moment (despite offering!), but I'd much rather have my privacy. And it really doesn't do anything for dating prospects in my experience, as this thread proves...

 

 

If I was desperate I would move back and I did do once in my late 20s because I had no choice and it felt like a terrible failure on my part having been relatively independent. Because of distance I generally see mine every quarter and stop here for 2-3 weeks at a time but I have to sum up all my self dignity and strength to keep my mouth shut. I don't know how people do it. I like having my own place. But sometimes needs must so I totally get there are times when it is necessary to survival.

[Emilyinroses]

28 minutes ago, NYAG said:

If I was desperate I would move back and I did do once in my late 20s because I had no choice and it felt like a terrible failure on my part having been relatively independent. Because of distance I generally see mine every quarter and stop here for 2-3 weeks at a time but I have to sum up all my self dignity and strength to keep my mouth shut. I don't know how people do it. I like having my own place. But sometimes needs must so I totally get there are times when it is necessary to survival.

In this case he didn’t say it was for survival, he said it was because he was lonely...

[Gaeta]

Because he's lonely? Then it's an enormous red flag. Who's lonely at 41?? He's young, full of life, he's got his work, friends, he's got his son! If he cannot fill his life at 41 then there is a lack of self-awareness and emotional maturity here. But I still think it's a story he tells women. You're too smart to swallow that one. 

Edited April 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[Emilyinroses]

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Because he's lonely? Then it's an enormous red flag. Who's lonely at 41?? He's young, full of life, he's got his work, friends, he's got his son! If he cannot fill his life at 41 then there is a lack of self-awareness and emotional maturity here. But I still think it's a story he tells women. You're too smart to swallow that one. 

Yes this is a no win situation. Either he is being honest and feels lonely or because  he is broke and lying, both are not an emotional healthy place to date anyone.

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Because he's lonely? Then it's an enormous red flag. Who's lonely at 41?? He's young, full of life, he's got his work, friends, he's got his son! If he cannot fill his life at 41 then there is a lack of self-awareness and emotional maturity here. But I still think it's a story he tells women. You're too smart to swallow that one. 

I have lots of friends in their 40s who are lonely. Life doesn't always work out for people. Many of them are still looking for a significant other. I can't vouch for these people of course. There may be very good reasons why they are still single that I don't know about that they don't even realise are why they are still single, but he is not a rare case.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I have lots of friends in their 40s who are lonely. Life doesn't always work out for people. Many of them are still looking for a significant other

And your friends in their 40s find their loneliness solution by moving in with their parents? 

It's not the fact that he's lonely, it's how he chose to deal with that loneliness. 

Of course life doesn't always work out, I was single from age 39 to 49 with an empty nest. I fixed it by getting my dog, getting involved in groups, getting into fitness, spending lots of time with my friends and family. I did not turn toward my parents and *convinced* them I should move in with them. 

[poppyfields]

23 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I think someone else posted this...I thought it was pretty interesting. Mammoni: The mamma's boy

Thank you for posting this smackie and lord I wish folks would stop with the judgments and assumptions (like he's lazy, broke, unambitious), watch the video!   That's not always the case.  In fact, it's often the opposite.

This happens in America too especially among the elite upper crust, remember the show Dallas?  The entire family lived together, the mother was considered the "matriarch."  

Ok it was a tv show but it hapoens, it's real.  

OP, calling it "weird" which you've been doing throughout this thread is judgemental and unfair.

No need to make him out to be some weird freak, if you're not attracted to him, don't date him!  

You don't even need a reason.

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

I saw that mammoni document not long ago on tv. It was shamefull. Lawyers, engineers, still living home with mama and mama cooking, cleaning their rooms, while those 40s professionals spent their money on luxurios cars. In Italy 50% of single men live at their moms. Must be nice having sex with mama in the next room making pasta.

If you are not from a culture that sees this as normal, or sexy, don't even consider it. Where i'm from we don't go back to our parents, e-v-e-r. We would live under a bridge and eat at bank food bank instead.