He lives with his parents, red flag?

[Emilyinroses]

Met this guy on OLD and he seemed nice and said he is looking for a serious relationship. 

We talked on the phone and he told me that years ago he convinced his parents to sell their House that was too big for them, he also sold his flat and they bought another house where they all been living together.

He said he likes to be near his parents, that they won't live forever, wants to enjoy them, etc. He didn't mention they have any health issues or anything.

So to me this doesn't sound good. Yes I want to have a serious relationship with someone and possibly live together in the future, but us only, not with his parents. I cannot see me living in this sort of arrangement. 

I don't understand this, is he expecting the person he wants to live with to move into his house with his parents? This sounds too weird to me. What do you think?

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[ShyViolet]

How old is he?

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

How old is he?

He's 41.

[ShyViolet]

I absolutely agree with you, it's weird and it would get in the way of having a normal relationship.  I don't think it's normal for a grown man to want to live with his parents.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So to me this doesn't sound good.

Whatever his reasons are, you would be the bed and breakfast, because there's no privacy at his folks place. For that reason, it's a good idea to pass regardless of his explanations (even though the 'won't live forever' thing seems like code for broke/unemployed). 

[Gaeta]

It's a story. He doesn't want to let you know that he went bankrupted or lost his job, and has to live with his parents. 

No 41  yo men want to live with his parents. No parents want their 41 yo back home. 

[cleverusername]

Unless he has a separate entrance to the house with his own separate apartment in the basement, above the garage, or a guest house its weird.

[Gold Pile]

Red Flag. This sort of living arrangement hasn't been the norm since the 1800's. I agree with another poster who suggests he could be hiding a financial failure. Or perhaps he is emotionally unable to leave the cradle.

He shouldn't want to live with his folks at 41. You shouldn't want to live with hos folks either. 

[Emilyinroses]

Thank you guys. Yes he probably has some financial issue. Either way he shouldn't be dating like this. No woman would want to start a life together living with his parents.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

He's 41.

Love my parents. Glad that we get to spend lots of time together... don’t want to live with them. 

A 41 year old man who lives with parents is weird. Has he ever had a serious relationship with a woman? 

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Love my parents. Glad that we get to spend lots of time together... don’t want to live with them. 

A 41 year old man who lives with parents is weird. Has he ever had a serious relationship with a woman? 

He said he was married and got divorced years ago.

He said he wants to take care of his parents and enjoy them whilst they are alive. Yes I agree, I love my parents too and want to enjoy them whilst they are alive, but that doesn't mean 24/7 and no privacy, especially when I am 41 and want to date. I think I'll pass.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He said he was married and got divorced years ago.He said he wants to take care of his parents and enjoy them whilst they are alive.

To better understand any creature, it's best to observe them in their natural habitat....and this is his.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

To better understand any creature, it's best to observe them in their natural habitat....and this is his.

Not mine, so we're not a match 

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He said he wants to take care of his parents and enjoy them whilst they are alive. 

His parents cannot be that old he's only 41. He's going to enjoy them for the next 30 some years!

[Kevin_D]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I'd rather live with my parents than alone. I've thought a lot about this, and this is definitely a cultural thing. In many countries, it's perfectly normal that the elders live in the same home. It was also rather common that the children would take over the parents' business (for example a farm) and at least live next door. 

So while it's likely that he lives with them due to financial problems, I really can't stand this "it's not normal" talk. In my opinion it's much more depressing with all these people who liveall by themselves.

In my country, some people even become quite aggressive if someone tells them that they live with their parents; They're selfish parasites, man-babies and they should be ashamed of themselves. I really can't grasp why this is so darn provocative to some.

Anyway, I lived with my parents, on-and-off, until I was 29. My reasons for doing so was:

- During my time at the university, it was much cheaper to live with my parents
- I can't stand aparments. I need a garden and a "buffer zone"
- The prices in my city as INSANE. Until you get a decent job, you're only real options are: Live with your parents or live in the slums.
- My girlfriend at the time was really bad with money, so I didn't want to own stuff together with her
- When I became single, I prefered the company of my parents to being alone

The last point is a big one. I was gaslighted by my bipolar girlfriend for a long time, and had a really hard time trusting anyone after that. It felt good living with my parents, because I knew that most girls I dated would prefer spending time at their place, which made break-ups so much easier, because I just had to grab my backpack and leave, and I would be alone when I got home. 

Anyway, after a while I had saved enough money so that I could by myself a nice house with a beautiful garden together with my new girlfriend. And while I really enjoying having my own house, I sometimes spend a week or two at my parents house just because I enjoy it so much and because I know how happy they become when I visit them. 

[Emilyinroses]

26 minutes ago, Kevin_D said:

I know I'm in the minority here, but I'd rather live with my parents than alone. I've thought a lot about this, and this is definitely a cultural thing. In many countries, it's perfectly normal that the elders live in the same home. It was also rather common that the children would take over the parents' business (for example a farm) and at least live next door. 

So while it's likely that he lives with them due to financial problems, I really can't stand this "it's not normal" talk. In my opinion it's much more depressing with all these people who liveall by themselves.

In my country, some people even become quite aggressive if someone tells them that they live with their parents; They're selfish parasites, man-babies and they should be ashamed of themselves. I really can't grasp why this is so darn provocative to some.

Anyway, I lived with my parents, on-and-off, until I was 29. My reasons for doing so was:

- During my time at the university, it was much cheaper to live with my parents
- I can't stand aparments. I need a garden and a "buffer zone"
- The prices in my city as INSANE. Until you get a decent job, you're only real options are: Live with your parents or live in the slums.
- My girlfriend at the time was really bad with money, so I didn't want to own stuff together with her
- When I became single, I prefered the company of my parents to being alone

The last point is a big one. I was gaslighted by my bipolar girlfriend for a long time, and had a really hard time trusting anyone after that. It felt good living with my parents, because I knew that most girls I dated would prefer spending time at their place, which made break-ups so much easier, because I just had to grab my backpack and leave, and I would be alone when I got home. 

Anyway, after a while I had saved enough money so that I could by myself a nice house with a beautiful garden together with my new girlfriend. And while I really enjoying having my own house, I sometimes spend a week or two at my parents house just because I enjoy it so much and because I know how happy they become when I visit them. 

Well first of all I agree that everyone is different and to each their own. But, you lived with your parents until you were 29 and then moved on to buy a house with your girlfriend.

In this case, this guy is 41 and made the decision to live forever with his parents until they are alive. So any girlfriend he has if it becomes serious to the point of wanting to move in together, she would have to move in with him and his parents. That to me is not ok.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[deepthinking]

Perhaps they are a close family and also, perhaps his parents have a lovely house that one day will belong to your boyfriend. 

If he is his own man when he is with them, okay, maybe they asked him to look after them in their old age.

The OP had better move on or meet his family and see how he relates to them.

Edited April 2, 2021 by deepthinking

[glows]

All that matters is what you want. If his living situation doesn't fit into your ideal situation and he's not looking to buy again and move, then pass. Don't waste your energies trying to figure out his personal situation. There are also broke AF single men living on their own looking cool and fine on the exterior but aren't in the best financial shape either and looks can be deceiving (if this is a dealbreaker for you). Keep on meeting new dates.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes major red flag. 

The exception would be an emergency or short term. My parents, near the end of their life, needed a ton of help. (We later found a great assisted living house for them.) I considered briefly moving in with them, but that was as a caretaker and would have been time limited.

I decided not to because I realized I would lose my effing mind being around them all day.

Yes, serious red flag. But the good thing is he was up front early on. So if you want to meet him and see if you like him, no harm. 

[Emilyinroses]

9 hours ago, deepthinking said:

Perhaps they are a close family and also, perhaps his parents have a lovely house that one day will belong to your boyfriend. 

If he is his own man when he is with them, okay, maybe they asked him to look after them in their old age.

The OP had better move on or meet his family and see how he relates to them.

It wasn’t his parents asking him to take care of them, it was him who said he was feeling lonely and convinced his parents to sell their house, he sold his flat too, and they bought a new house together to live in permanently. 

To me that is weird. And what’s even weirder is that he is a parent. He lives with his 10 year old son and has the child with him most of the time (only visit his mom every other weekend), so he was not alone.

My guess is that he just wanted help to take care of the child and living with his parents is convenient. 

Anyway this is not for me.

Edited April 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[d0nnivain]

You say "it's not for you", which is fine.  Be done 

That said, I don't think this is that bad if he's telling the truth.  If he sold his flat & the parents sold their house (his childhood home) and together they combined their income to purchase a house together so the grandparents could help care for his 10 year old son, that is being financially & emotionally responsible as well as providing stability to the 10 year old.  It's easy to check his story; most tax records are quasi public.  You could easily confirm that his name is on the deed.  

IMO what he's describing is vastly different from a guy who ran home to have mom & dad take care of him.  I don't hear you saying that is the case. 

I do understand why you wouldn't want to get attached then be expected to slide into that house.  With the parents & the child already there, I would have a hard time carving a place for myself as a newlywed.  It's not a dynamic that could be changed in that building.  To me the only solution would be a 3rd move for the parents into a 2 family place, with separate entrances & living spaces.  Who knows if everybody else would be amenable to that but forcing his new SO to shoehorn into his unconventional living arrangement without giving her the opportunity to build a life / home independently with him would be problematic.  

[Wiseman2]

I'm taking care of my elderly parents = I'm broke and childlike.

In this case.

[Fletch Lives]

Just because he lives with his parents today does not mean he can't move out tomorrow. It's not a red flag.

The fact that he gets along with them well enough to live with them is a plus.

[Emilyinroses]

34 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Just because he lives with his parents today does not mean he can't move out tomorrow. It's not a red flag.

The fact that he gets along with them well enough to live with them is a plus.

He said he wants to live with them for the rest of their lives. He made that decision.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You say "it's not for you", which is fine.  Be done 

That said, I don't think this is that bad if he's telling the truth.  If he sold his flat & the parents sold their house (his childhood home) and together they combined their income to purchase a house together so the grandparents could help care for his 10 year old son, that is being financially & emotionally responsible as well as providing stability to the 10 year old.  It's easy to check his story; most tax records are quasi public.  You could easily confirm that his name is on the deed.  

IMO what he's describing is vastly different from a guy who ran home to have mom & dad take care of him.  I don't hear you saying that is the case. 

I do understand why you wouldn't want to get attached then be expected to slide into that house.  With the parents & the child already there, I would have a hard time carving a place for myself as a newlywed.  It's not a dynamic that could be changed in that building.  To me the only solution would be a 3rd move for the parents into a 2 family place, with separate entrances & living spaces.  Who knows if everybody else would be amenable to that but forcing his new SO to shoehorn into his unconventional living arrangement without giving her the opportunity to build a life / home independently with him would be problematic.  

I think it's really good he is telling things as they are and so early. My guess is that he wants someone who is ok with that. I am not. As you said, entering his living arrangements without giving the opportunity to build an independent home is not something I would accept.

So I wish him well.