Was my boyfriend abusing me?

[Azuraazura]

So we've been together for 2 years. At first, everything was wonderful. I thought that he was the one. He was very caring and understanding. We spent all the time together and we both were happy. 

During these 2 years of our relationship, he helped me a lot. He often would send me money (not much, like a small amount to get coffee after work, or buy lunch) and if I refused, he would get mad, tell me "Why are you so difficult?! I care about you!". So I had to accept his money, otherwise he would get offended or mad. Even though I never asked him to do that, I was thankful anyway. 

On the second year of our relationship, we started having little fights. Sometimes he was irritated with me because he had a stressful job. Sometimes, I wasn't nice to him because I had some problems as well. I had depression and was taking antidepressants, so they made me kinda numb. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend either.

He started criticizing me a lot, telling me that I have a lack of communication skills. Or that I'm a nerd, because I like to learn about new things and when I wanted to share with him something interesting, he thought I was flexing on him with my knowledge. So he would get annoyed. 

English is not my first language, and sometimes I could use some words that he would find offensive. I tried to explain to him, that in my language what I said is not offensive, but he wouldn't listen. 

Everything was my fault, whatever happened I was always the one to blame. If he did something wrong, I was not allowed to tell him. He wouldn't listen and wouldn't talk about it. Sometimes he told me to do something he thought would help me and if I had a different opinion about it, he would get mad and irritated again. 

For example, once I caught a cold and was not feeling well. He told me to take "medicine_name." I said that I can't take this medicine because it's making me feel worse. He got mad and was scolding me for an hour until I started crying and finally took that medicine, so that he would just calm down. 

It was so hard for me, sometimes I could cry for hours, because I felt myself completely helpless and hopeless. Talking to him was like talking to a wall. Whenever I tried to talk to him, how I feel when he's scolding me like a child, he would dismiss my feelings or start impersonating me with a whiny voice, and said that I'm making s*** up. 

Then, before the end of our relationship, we had a fight and he accused me of using him for money. He even said that I should pay him back. We had such a big fight that I ended up in the hospital with a mini stroke. Two days later, he offered me to send me some money again, so I could buy myself something after I get home.

I refused. I told him, that I don't want to take anything from him because he already accused me of using him. So I don't want this to happen again. He got very angry, said that he is tired of me insulting him like that. He wanted to be courteous, and that I'm playing my manipulative games, trying to make him feel bad. I tried to talk to him, explain that I have the right to reject his offer, even though i appreciate it a lot. He wouldn't listen again. Then he called me toxic, said that he already gave me too many chances and doesn't want to be with me anymore and blocked me everywhere.

I don't understand this. How come he was so caring to me, but then again he left me like this, knowing that I'm in the hospital? Then left, why? Because I rejected his help? 

I feel so shattered, feel like it was all my fault again and I'm a horrible person, that he had to erase me from his life like that, like I was a piece of garbage.

Was he abusing me? Or was it all my fault? 

Edited May 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing, Some Grammar

[Wiseman2]

Do you live together? If not simply end it and delete and block him. Read up on abuse. You are already asking so it seems you know. That means, just get away.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Why are you wondering about what to label his behavior? Why does it matter?

Edited April 2, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Commongoal123]

On 4/2/2021 at 11:04 AM, Azuraazura said:

So we've been together for 2 years. At first everything was wonderful, I thought that he was the one. He was very caring and understanding. 

We spent all the time together and we both were happy. 

During these 2 years of our relationship he helped me a lot. 
He often would send me money (not much, like a small amount to get coffee after work, or buy lunch) and if I refused, he would get mad, tell me "Why are you so difficult?! I care about you!". 
So I had to accept his money, otherwise he would get offended or mad. 
Even though I never asked him to do that, I was thankful anyway. 

On the second year of our relationship we started having little fights. Sometimes he was irritated with me because he had stressfull job. Sometimes I wasn't nice to him, because I had some problems as well. I had depression and was taking antidepressants, so they made me kinda numb. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend either. 
He started criticizing me a lot, telling me that I have a lack of communication skills. 
Or that I'm a nerd, because I like to learn about new things and when I wanted to share with him something interesting, he thought I was flexing on him with my knowledge. So he would get annoyed. 
English is not my first language, and sometimes I could use some words, that he would find offensive. I tried to explain to him, that in my language what I said is not offensive, but he wouldn't listen. 
Everything was my fault, whatever happened I was always the one to blame.
If he did something wrong, I was not allowed to tell him, he wouldn't listen and wouldn't talk about it.
Sometimes he told me to do something, he thought would help me, and if I had a different opinion about it, he would get mad and irritated again. 
For example. Once I caught a cold and was not feeling well, he told me to take "medicine_name". I said that I can't take this medicine, because it's making me feel worse. 
He got mad and was scolding me for an hour until I started crying and finally took that medicine, so that he would just calm down. 
It was so hard for me, sometimes I could cry for hours, because I felt myself completely helpless and hopeless. Talking to him was like talking to a wall. 
Whenever I tried to talk to him, how I feel when he's scolding me like a child, he would dismiss my feelings or start impersonating me with a whiny voice, and said that I'm making s*** up. 
Then before the end of our relationship we had a fight, and he accused me of using him for money, and even said that I should pay him back. We had such a big fight, that I ended up in the hospital with a mini stroke. 
Two days later he offered me to send me some  money again, so I could buy myself something after I get home. 
And I refused. I told him, that I don't want to take anything from him, because he already accused me of using him. So I don't want this to happen again. 
He got very angry, said that he is tired of me insulting him like that. He wanted to be courteous, and I'm playing my manipulative games, trying to make him feel bad. 
I tried to talk to him, explain that I have the right to reject his offer, even though i appreciate it a lot. He wouldn't listen again. 
Then he called me toxic, said that he already gave me too many chances and doesn't want to be with me anymore and blocked me everywhere. 
I don't understand this. How come he was so caring to me, but then again he left me like this, knowing that I'm in the hospital. And left why? Because I rejected his help? 
I feel so shattered, feel like it was all my fault again and I'm a horrible person, that he had to erase me from his life like that, like I was a piece of garbage.

Was he abusing me? Or was it all my fault? 

OP I am sorry this is happening.  This sounds terrible.  I have experience very similar situations with ex's.  The difference is I am a guy.

What I have learned is that if I am asking people around me if certain behavior is abuse, then it is abuse.

Also for what it is worth... neglect also = abuse.

Some partners are really nice and caring and understanding at first and helpful.  Like a dream.  And some of them actually do want to be like that in the beginning (not all... the worst don't).  However they are doing it for a motive because they want something from you.  I.e. it isn't without strings attached.  Eventually the self they are hiding below shows up.  Usually somwtime after they start getting whatever it is they wanted.

Look up abuse and signs of abuse online.  I strongly encourage you to do this.  As well as concepts such as gaslighting and love bombing.

Be well.  Love yourself.

[Commongoal123]

Hmm... OP.  In addition to the above it also sounds like he is playing hot and cold with you.  Which is a Narcissistic and manipulative tactic.  I.e. he demands money back from you and stresses you out so hard that you end up in a hospital.... then turns around all sweet.  Manipulative people do this because they feel like they are losing control over how you view them, so they act real nice and "make up for it".  But like I mentioned in my previous post, it is because they want something from you.

Also an example of gaslighting and projection would be him telling you and accusing you of doing what he is doing.  Which sounds like he is...

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened to you.  It does sound like he was abusive.  I think his kind of abuse (if it was not physical) would come into the category of 'controlling and coercive' behaviour, along with 'gaslighting' because he was switching things around so that you never knew what he would/would not want.

Hopefully, you are out of this relationship.  I am assuming you are asking because you feel his behaviour has affected you badly and you are wondering what you were really dealing with.  If you can, see if you can get counselling help.  A women's shelter may be able to advise you of counsellors that work with abused women.  You want to learn to spot the signs of an abuser and to avoid one in future, as well as talk about what happened to you.  

I get the feeling you are very confused about it all.  Sadly, abusers do leave their victims confused and demoralised.  Counselling would help you to see through the gaslighting and to regain knowledge of yourself and your great qualities.

[d0nnivain]

None of it was your fault. Somebody who loves you should not berate you or criticize you all the time.  I'm not qualified to say whether he was abusive but he certainly wasn't loving & was more controlling.  

Just be done with him.  Find a supportive loving partner.  

[Taramere]

On 4/2/2021 at 4:04 PM, Azuraazura said:

Was he abusing me? Or was it all my fault? 

Yes he was.  Whether it was intentional or not is anybody's guess.  He may very well regard himself as a wonderful, caring, generous guy - but he foisted gifts onto you that you didn't ask for and even attempted to decline.  Now he's holding that against you and portraying himself as a nice guy who was done over by a nasty woman. He's not a nice guy.  He sounds more like a co-dependent bully - but you shouldn't hold out for him ever developing any self awareness about that.  What you should focus on is resisting allowing people like that to define who you are.   But easier said than done.  Don't be afraid to reach out to an abuse helpline if you need to talk to somebody.  If you don't feel sure of the person answering, you can always try again until you get a volunteer you have a good vibe about.  Talking things like this through with somebody can be invaluable in helping you recover a sense of calm when thoughts like the ones you're having start taking over.

[Taramere]

On 4/2/2021 at 4:50 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

Why are you wondering about what to label his behavior? Why does it matter?

I'd say it matters for the reason it matters is exemplified in the last line of Azuurazura's opening post:

Quote

Was he abusing me? Or was it all my fault? 

 Sometimes the step of naming a particular type of behaviour as abuse is a person's first step in getting up the courage to leave a relationship where they've been misguidedly taking on responsibility for somebody else's anger management problems to a degree that is impacting on their health, welfare and even on their personal safety.