Boyfriend of 5 months seems obsessed with me going topless.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, redpandapanda2 said:

He got her extremely drunk and had her having sex with random men and the description of what she went through was EXACT.

Yes . You do have to end. Besides his sexual proclivities, he may be the type to spike drinks. He could be dangerous. Certainly not worth it.

[vla1120]

On 4/6/2021 at 10:22 AM, redpandapanda2 said:

But WHY would he blow up like that?  It was a serious rage....

That's called Gaslighting 101. You caught him and questioned his motives, so he turned it around on you. He knows exactly what kind of resorts they are. 

[Miss Peach]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

That's called Gaslighting 101. You caught him and questioned his motives, so he turned it around on you. He knows exactly what kind of resorts they are. 

Agreed. On top of this he's threatening you on leaving or getting angry to groom you into being complacent in order not to lose him.

 

 

[Interstellar]

On 4/3/2021 at 10:46 AM, redpandapanda2 said:

yes, unfortunately I have said no prior to this.  I have told him that I am not comfortable with acting out his fantasies and he said he understood.  Then....he brought a guy back to our hotel room (when he was sloppy drunk) and used the drunkenness as an excuse.  

I didn't know what to do because the guy didn't seem to realize exactly what was going on ... and I just started talking to him ( I wasn't plastered nor was the guy) and my BF started asking the guy if he was circumsized and trying to undress me in front of him.  He then told me to show him how good I was at giving BJ -- and told the guy I was an amazing "fuc*".  

I stopped it all and threw the guy out -- and my BF passed out.  The next day he said he had no recollection of that part -- and that he was extremely sorry and he would NEVER do it again. That he felt awful.

But, then...about a month later -- he got drunk again and started talking about how he was going to call a guy friend of his to come over and meet me -- and he wanted me to tease him in the hot tub.  He didn't -- because I said no. We argued about THAT.

He hasn't mentioned any of this acting stuff out again -- and it's been about a month or so.  BUT -- he was still doing what I posted about with the topless stuff -- etc...last weekend.  

Last NIGHT -- he told me on the phone that he really needed me to give him extra BJs this coming weekend and that one of the main reasons he loves me so much is because I'm so good in bed and at BJs.    Yes he had been drinking... but...  

hah... I think your bf is trying to turn you into a swinger, rofl. he’s slowly planting the seeds, even if you tell him you’re not into that it will encourage him even more so you’ll probably need to start making decisions as to the future of this relationship.

[Noproblem]

and here I thought you were 22 and he was 26!

Edited April 7, 2021 by Noproblem

[spiderowl]

If what his ex said is true, then he definitely is a predator who is grooming you. He is dangerous too.  He has put his ex into dangerous sexual situations and spiked her drinks.  She could have died of an overdose, let alone ended up having sex with guys she would never have considered.  Has this guy got a criminal record?  In the UK, you can ask police if he has any record of abuse.  This is called Clare's Law:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clare's_Law

As far as I know, it mainly covers physical abuse but I would be surprised if the police would hold back information about sexual abuse if asked directly.  I wonder if you have any similar laws where you are?

Edited April 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[smackie9]

He's going to catch on that you are talking to someone (us) if he hasn't already figured it out and start accusations of you cheating on him or talking to the ex, or others involved. That's when things will get scary....he's going to get really aggressive, possessive, manipulative etc. Brace yourself.

[SumGuy]

22 hours ago, vla1120 said:

That's called Gaslighting 101. You caught him and questioned his motives, so he turned it around on you. He knows exactly what kind of resorts they are. 

Exactly!  

[Noproblem]

Why are you staying with this guy? unbelievable! RUN!

[Noproblem]

On 4/6/2021 at 11:00 AM, Gaeta said:

Listen, breakup with  him. I cannot believe you're considering talking to him again!! YES he is a liar and YES he knew exactly what those resorts were about. 

He yelled at you because  he's abusive, controlling, and manipulative. You have only been dating 5 months NOW you are seeing his true colors.

This man has major sexual fetishes that you don't want to live with. DROP  HIM! He's 55, he's not going to change. 

You 'loving him' is irrelevant !! He yelled at you, used the F word at you, hung up on you! It's OVER.

I am gonna venture and say this guy is pretty rich! 

[Wiseman2]

He's a creep, but you've known that for a while now.

Topless beaches are common and the least of your problems.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Crazelnut]

@redpandapanda2, what's going on? Did you break up with him?

[redpandapanda2]

On 4/9/2021 at 8:30 AM, Crazelnut said:

@redpandapanda2, what's going on? Did you break up with him?

I think he could feel me pulling away -- so SURPRISE he texted me on Friday that he had booked a ticket to come visit me.  So, he arrived yesterday and leaves tomorrow.  I tried to tell him it wasn't a good idea but he is quite manipulative.  

I told him I wasn't feeling well so I didn't have to have sex with him.   And I can tell he's getting very irritable... I will block him as soon as he leaves tomorrow.  

I just can't seem to do it in person...  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said:

he had booked a ticket to come visit me.  So, he arrived yesterday and leaves tomorrow.

Is he married? Is this a distance situation? He's not "manipulative", you allow it.

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he married? Is this a distance situation? He's not "manipulative", you allow it.

Agree.  Panda, it's become pretty clear that you have no intention of dumping him, might as well just own it.

No judgment from me, read my earlier post, such situations can be addictive and very difficult to break from, I understand that.

I almost feel like you are manipulating us in a sense, by complaining ad nauseam about him, that you plan to dump, but then do the opposite by agreeing to him visiting. 

This is a toxic mess of the nth degree, I don't envision anything positive but as most everyone, you will learn this yourself and know when the right time to dump him is...

All the best. 

[redpandapanda2]

Actually, we got into a big fight and I just kicked him out.  He’s gone. And we are done. He keeps calling and i am not answering. He is an angry MF 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, redpandapanda2 said:

Actually, we got into a big fight and I just kicked him out.  He’s gone. And we are done. He keeps calling and i am not answering. He is an angry MF 

Ok, I take what I said back then, I hope it sticks and you never associate with this person ever again.

Edited April 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, redpandapanda2 said:

 we are done. He keeps calling and i am not answering. 

That's because there's a great deal missing from this story. Most of all all the faux horror at his sex games and yet, not only do you not block him you invite him to visit and stay with you? Very confusing.

[Crazelnut]

What was the fight about?  Why the heck didn't you just tell him not to come in the first place? Are you just that weak willed, or were you BS'ing us?

[Lotsgoingon]

Next time you deal with him in person, you might want to bring a friend along, male or female. 

You have to not respond. You cannot softly ease out of your relationship with him. Many of us have been there: thinking that we can gradually, smoothly escape from a bad someone. 

Wrong. You can't. The reason you can't easily break up is that any contact is a win for the manipulator. Manipulators are fantastic talkers. And we only land with a manipulator because we have a vulnerability that the manipulator can exploit. Therefore you cannot talk to him. You cannot get him to "agree" or to "go along" with breaking up. 

You have to simply ignore him. I know this is hard. You really need to learn a lesson from this experience: you've basically put yourself in danger dealing with this guy. Figure out the vulnerability you have and plug it and fix it, sorta like the computer companies fix and plug hacking vulnerabilities. 

[Calmandfocused]

You received some excellent advice on your last thread. 
 

However you have voluntarily (yes you are volunteering) decided to stay with this Dangerous Pervert. You know who he is, you know the risks but you choose to continue. 
 

You’re deluded if you think he’s going to change. He won’t. His perversions will manifest in a variety of ways. 
 

I’m flabbergasted that your actually surprised by this behaviour. What did you expect? Seriously! 
 

Also what exactly do you want us to say? Keep going, and continue putting yourself in danger? ... Nah , not going to happen. 
 

Only you can change the situation. You don’t want to change the situation? Expect more to come ...

[Miss Peach]

OP - Please stay strong and keep on no contact. I wouldn't have allowed him to visit me but I'm happy common sense kicked in there somewhere and he's gone. I would really work on your people pleasing and figure out how to feel more comfortable saying no. That will help you later with the next guy. There is a writer named Natalie Lue who writes a site called Baggage Reclaim. Her articles around this subject were really helpful to me.