Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 5, 2021 Author Posted April 5, 2021 13 minutes ago, Miss Peach said: I've dated guys into these things so the sex part in itself doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the lack of consent and respect of the OP's boundaries. I would be OK putting a lot of these topics on the table for discussion in a relationship. But I would no do it unless I had complete trust the guy could take no and had my best interests at heart. Unfortunately I've run into a lot of guys like the OP's guy who think only of their perspective and what they want. It's a totally different experience putting these things on the table with someone who gets boundaries, respect, and consent. At best it sounds like the OP and their BF have different values in regards to sex. The part that's really bothering me is the OP's BF isn't respecting her boundary when she says no. That alone would make me uncomfortable regardless of the OP's comfort with these acts. Yes my update is that I found out that he is would like to go to an "adult playground" fo this birthday trip next month. I asked him the names of the resorts and they are known as swinger resorts.. Here are some of the descriptions for the 2 he has "narrowed it down to" The perfect place to indulge your most erotic fantasies, the hotel offers options that you’ll find intensely satisfying. Ever imagine having your entire body slathered with chocolate and whipped cream? A delectable idea, accompanied by sparkling wine, strawberries, and passion fruit. To take you to even more blissful heights, the hotel offers a private room for four couples. Inside, you’ll find passionate music to set the scene, plus a swing and just one bed. the other one: Don’t miss the Temptastic Pool, open 24 hours a day, where no temptation is out of reach. And keep the fun going with a visit to the dance club, which has very special dress codes. On Wednesdays, latex is required; on Thursdays, lingerie is mandatory; and on Saturdays, guests must dress in sexy red and black attire to awaken their deepest passions. They are advertised as "the most welcoming sex resort on earth" So...CLEARLY -- he could give a rats as* about my boundaries...if he KNOWS that I am uncomfortable with this stuff and he is literally booking trips to take me out of the country to some all inclusive sex playground???
basil67 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 With all due respect, that he doesn't care about your boundaries was obvious in your last post. Why did you choose to continue with him? And what will you do now that his lack of respect for your boundaries has been reinforced? 2
Crazelnut Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 Have you told him to p*** off yet? If not, this is on your shoulders now. He won't respect your boundaries unless YOU respect your boundaries. Why are you letting him continue down this path??
Wiseman2 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 14 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said: he is would like to go to an "adult playground" fo this birthday trip next month. Ok, well you already know that about him. So why participate if it upsets you? Why can't he go with friends and hookup with other guests? Just curious why your relationship is in hotels and resorts? Is this a distance relationship? Are either of you married? 1
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 Thanks. I talked to him via phone last night and I told him I saw the resorts that he "researched and narrowed it down to". and that I would feel uncomfortable going there. He asked why and I said that I found them both listed as the top swinger resorts to go to and I'm not comfortable with that. He said he didn't know...I said really? You said you RESEARCHED this. He said that he didn't go to their websites they were just referrals -- etc. I said I have a very hard time believing you didn't know. He said are you calling me a liar? I said I am not calling you a liar -- but I think it's pretty weird to say you didn't know if you already told me that you researched this and narrowed it down. He blew up yelling at me and said "so I'm a fuc*ing liar? I'm a fuc*ing liar? What is WRONG with you...you want to find a problem and you just like the drama..." I said I don't like the drama and I don't deserve to be screamed at. I said "I'd respectfully like to get off this phone, I will not be talked to like this." He said fine and hung up. Then he kept calling back and back and back... and I declined the calls and I told him via text I was too upset to talk and that I love him but I will not be spoken to that way...and I know WAY more than he thinks I do about this. And that I would like to stop talking for the evening. He kept texting and I stopped responding. I haven't heard from him since. But WHY would he blow up like that? It was a serious rage....
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 11 hours ago, Crazelnut said: Have you told him to p*** off yet? If not, this is on your shoulders now. He won't respect your boundaries unless YOU respect your boundaries. Why are you letting him continue down this path?? Thanks. I talked to him via phone last night and I told him I saw the resorts that he "researched and narrowed it down to". and that I would feel uncomfortable going there. He asked why and I said that I found them both listed as the top swinger resorts to go to and I'm not comfortable with that. He said he didn't know...I said really? You said you RESEARCHED this. He said that he didn't go to their websites they were just referrals -- etc. I said I have a very hard time believing you didn't know. He said are you calling me a liar? I said I am not calling you a liar -- but I think it's pretty weird to say you didn't know if you already told me that you researched this and narrowed it down. He blew up yelling at me and said "so I'm a fuc*ing liar? I'm a fuc*ing liar? What is WRONG with you...you want to find a problem and you just like the drama..." I said I don't like the drama and I don't deserve to be screamed at. I said "I'd respectfully like to get off this phone, I will not be talked to like this." He said fine and hung up. Then he kept calling back and back and back... and I declined the calls and I told him via text I was too upset to talk and that I love him but I will not be spoken to that way...and I know WAY more than he thinks I do about this. And that I would like to stop talking for the evening. He kept texting and I stopped responding. I haven't heard from him since. But WHY would he blow up like that? It was a serious rage....
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 38 minutes ago, redpandapanda2 said: But WHY would he blow up like that? It was a serious rage.... Listen, breakup with him. I cannot believe you're considering talking to him again!! YES he is a liar and YES he knew exactly what those resorts were about. He yelled at you because he's abusive, controlling, and manipulative. You have only been dating 5 months NOW you are seeing his true colors. This man has major sexual fetishes that you don't want to live with. DROP HIM! He's 55, he's not going to change. You 'loving him' is irrelevant !! He yelled at you, used the F word at you, hung up on you! It's OVER. 2 1
Miss Peach Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) He blew up because he got caught and it wasn't working so he turned it around on you to make you the bad guy. I could maybe one on a list of several turning out to be something like a swingers resort but since it was all his choices I really doubt it was an accident. This combined with the other stuff shows you you both have different sexual values at the very least. FWIW I've had this conversation with a few guys I've dated into kinkier things so topics like sex parties or nude beaches have come up. It totally was way more respectful than this and they didn't want to push me into anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'm just putting it out there because I don't think having kinks per se is an issue. It's that you aren't into them and he's not respecting that. Even with the compatibility issue off the table I still see his boundary busting behavior problematic. I am also put off by his rage and continuing to call you after you set the boundary you were done for the evening. This is what I have seen in controlling men. It just gets worst IME. With my last relationship it was like this and just kept escalating. He did the same exact thing when I tried to assert a boundary against yelling. No one has the right to yell at someone; especially a partner. He's 50 something so I agree with the others this is who he is. It's set. I get you love and are attached to him but these are serious red flags that it's not going to work. This is his true colors showing through. I'm in the break up camp too. It's not going to get better. This is the real him you're finally seeing. Edited April 6, 2021 by Miss Peach 2
Emilyinroses Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 On 4/1/2021 at 4:45 PM, redpandapanda2 said: My boyfriend of 5 months seems to be very pre-occupied with my attire and me going topless. Let me explain....we travel often to nice hotels etc on the weekends and on one of the trips he suggested we go to a nude beach. He didn't take off his pants, but he wanted me to take off my top. I reluctantly did it -- I wasn't thrilled about it, but he said he really loved it. When we traveled last month, he was obsessed with buying me clothes for the trip. He wanted me in so very revealing tops and when I wore them -- he would take pictures of me at dinner etc. He was taking pictures of my cleavage (which he says he is proud of).... He also was adamant that the resort we stayed at ...had a European bathing section. He walked across the resort with me -- to that area to see if anyone was out there topless. The way he was walking was as if he was obsessed or something. No one was topless and he decided that he didn't even want to go by the pool after realizing that... opted for drinks and a nap instead. His birthday is coming up and he mentioned that he wanted to take me to a private adult resort -- I'm pretty naive but I have a feeling ..going topless is just the tip of the iceberg at a place like that... He's 55 years old -- I'm 44. Would you find this to be disturbing? The issue here is that he is grooming you into something more instead of just communicating openly to you and say hey I’m into this and that, are you up for it? And because he doesn’t communicate openly and is manipulating you into situations you don’t feel comfortable communicating either. You need to tell him you are not comfortable with any of this (I’m sure he already knows that but is ignoring it), and see how he reacts and take a decision. Don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with and be careful with photos of you naked.
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: The issue here is that he is grooming you into something more instead of just communicating openly to you and say hey I’m into this and that, are you up for it? And because he doesn’t communicate openly and is manipulating you into situations you don’t feel comfortable communicating either. You need to tell him you are not comfortable with any of this (I’m sure he already knows that but is ignoring it), and see how he reacts and take a decision. Don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with and be careful with photos of you naked. I told him AGAIN this morning that I was not comfortable with this and that I will never be able to swing etc. I also told him that I had heard from a.friend who is friends with his ex -- that she said that they were indeed, swingers. He flatly denied it and then wanted to know who told me. I said I don't want to get into it -- he said that it was a lie. I said well if that's the case and your ex is saying this openly -- maybe you should do a cease and decist or something -- because that's character asassination. He said well there's nothing that can be done -- and he ignored me. I think that I have PLENTY of evidence to know that he was a swinger w her -- and that he continues to try to "groom" me -- as you said here. Btw -- he accidentally admitted during our call this morning that he DID know that one of the resorts was a swinger resort. I didn't even bother to tell him -- I knew it was just going to be another rage reaction. I just need to end it. He ended the call with me by saying he would choose Napa or something else -- and that he loves me.. etc. 3
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 2 hours ago, Miss Peach said: He blew up because he got caught and it wasn't working so he turned it around on you to make you the bad guy. I could maybe one on a list of several turning out to be something like a swingers resort but since it was all his choices I really doubt it was an accident. This combined with the other stuff shows you you both have different sexual values at the very least. FWIW I've had this conversation with a few guys I've dated into kinkier things so topics like sex parties or nude beaches have come up. It totally was way more respectful than this and they didn't want to push me into anything I wasn't comfortable with. I'm just putting it out there because I don't think having kinks per se is an issue. It's that you aren't into them and he's not respecting that. Even with the compatibility issue off the table I still see his boundary busting behavior problematic. I am also put off by his rage and continuing to call you after you set the boundary you were done for the evening. This is what I have seen in controlling men. It just gets worst IME. With my last relationship it was like this and just kept escalating. He did the same exact thing when I tried to assert a boundary against yelling. No one has the right to yell at someone; especially a partner. He's 50 something so I agree with the others this is who he is. It's set. I get you love and are attached to him but these are serious red flags that it's not going to work. This is his true colors showing through. I'm in the break up camp too. It's not going to get better. This is the real him you're finally seeing. Yes I tried to talk to him politely this morning and he started the call about how he didn't get any sleep and he didn't like my tone and that my lack of belief in him etc makes him think that he may not be able to move forward with me.... I also told him that I had heard from a.friend who is friends with his ex -- that she said that they were indeed, swingers. He flatly denied it and then wanted to know who told me. I said I don't want to get into it -- he said that it was a lie. I said well if that's the case and your ex is saying this openly -- maybe you should do a cease and decist or something -- because that's character asassination. He said well there's nothing that can be done -- and he ignored me. I think that I have PLENTY of evidence to know that he was a swinger w her -- and that he continues to try to "groom" me -- as you said here. Btw -- he accidentally admitted during our call this morning that he DID know that one of the resorts was a swinger resort. I didn't even bother to tell him -- I knew it was just going to be another rage reaction. I just need to end it. He ended the call with me by saying he would choose Napa or something else -- and that he loves me.. etc.
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: Listen, breakup with him. I cannot believe you're considering talking to him again!! YES he is a liar and YES he knew exactly what those resorts were about. He yelled at you because he's abusive, controlling, and manipulative. You have only been dating 5 months NOW you are seeing his true colors. This man has major sexual fetishes that you don't want to live with. DROP HIM! He's 55, he's not going to change. You 'loving him' is irrelevant !! He yelled at you, used the F word at you, hung up on you! It's OVER. yeah, isn't it sad that I am so jaded by angry ex husband that I am alarmed by his swearing and yelling and hanging up....but I don't immediately end it! That's what most normal people do, right? They end it when they are disrespected. For some reason --- I just keep putting my hand on a hot stove and wondering why I'm burned. I know what I need to do....but it is hard.
Miss Peach Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 It's hard to do things you need to when you're emotionally involved but it will get harder as time moves on. I get it. While it wasn't the sex stuff you're dealing with I've recently had some issues dealing with someone who couldn't respect boundaries, was controlling, and quick to anger. You know logically you need to end it but your heart can take a little bit of time to catch up and be ready. My advice is use this anger to keep you motivated to end it. It will be much harder to try to end things if he makes it up to you and things are good again. It will also be harder next time when you're more attached. 1
dramafreezone Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) If you've not already broken up with him, you should also seek some therapy. I don't say that in a judging way, we all could use therapy. You know on a conscious level that you can't continue this relationship but there is some block that's preventing you from ending it. This is something that has certainly affected you in past relationships and it's time to get a handle on it. This thread can go on for another 600 pages and no one here is going to reach you. You need a professional that can dig down, diagnose your issues and offer a plan for treatment. Edited April 6, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Emilyinroses Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said: yeah, isn't it sad that I am so jaded by angry ex husband that I am alarmed by his swearing and yelling and hanging up....but I don't immediately end it! That's what most normal people do, right? They end it when they are disrespected. For some reason --- I just keep putting my hand on a hot stove and wondering why I'm burned. I know what I need to do....but it is hard. Focus on loving yourself and it will be easy to break up. Edited April 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said: yeah, isn't it sad that I am so jaded by angry ex husband that I am alarmed by his swearing and yelling and hanging up....but I don't immediately end it! That's what most normal people do, right? They end it when they are disrespected. For some reason --- I just keep putting my hand on a hot stove and wondering why I'm burned. I know what I need to do....but it is hard. On top of disrespecting you, manipulating you, yelling, using F word at you, you can add you are not compatible, he's insensitive and selfish and ignores your needs. It's a relationship of 5 months, not a marriage of 10 years. Pull the the band-aid ! one quick stoke and be done. Block and delete him on all your devises and move on. There are plenty of kind, attractive men out there. You won't find one while you waste your time on Mr. 50 shades of dishonesty. Edited April 6, 2021 by Gaeta 5
cleverusername Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 9 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said: I told him via text I was too upset to talk and that I love him but I will not be spoken to that way Yes or no question: Do you like being verbally abused, yelled at, lied to, having your boundaries disrespected, and being manipulated? Yes or no? 1
notbroken Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 This guy is a swinger - or at least wants to be. You are not. It is a serious incompatibility. The rage is a serious red flag too. Break up with him. The sooner the better. Honestly, today isn't soon enough - you should have done it already. Do NOT do anything you don't want to. 1
smackie9 Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 You need to stop being so passive, and realize he's grooming you....that's predatory, and very dangerous. Some women get in so deep, they get too scared, and find themselves trapped. For your own safety, ditch him, and disappear. You don't have to say anything to him...you can just block/delete his number, move, do whatever you can to get away from him. 3
SumGuy Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 On 4/3/2021 at 10:56 AM, redpandapanda2 said: All very good questions -- and I hear you. I guess I excused SOME of the drunk nights because we were on vacation -- it was a holiday etc. But, last night -- wasn't a holiday or vacation. And we both get along very well -- we have great energy -- both professionals. I respect him and the business he's built -- and I guess hearing that he loves me and wants to take me to all the places I've never been ...is intoxicating. But, at what expense -- is what I need to ask myself. I won't sugar coat it. The expense is pretty clear, at some point a guy he brings back or over is going to rape you. At some point he may get violent when drunk. At some point he may drug you so he can have these fantasies acted out. At some point he will be drunk and bring these things up in public and it could damage your career, your life. What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg, it won't get better, and if he takes you to all these places he is going to say you owe him. 1 1
poppyfields Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You need to stop being so passive, and realize he's grooming you....that's predatory, and very dangerous. Some women get in so deep, they get too scared, and find themselves trapped. This is very true BUT the other side of this equation is that it can be a turn on for some women too. Logically they know they shouldn't be, like you and others have said smackie, it's predatory, manipulative and dangerous. But emotionally and dare I say sexually, on some level they're flattered and turned on by it too. The danger of it, the taboo effect combined with his other appealing qualities that pulled her in. So they're torn in two - leave because logically they know they should . OR stay because they're sexually addicted and emotionally attached. It's not always as easy as folks make it out to be. Panda, not saying this describes you, but if it does, no judgment from me, you will know when it's time to leave. Personally I hope it's soon but again your call, good luck whatever decision you choose. EDIT: I think it was dramafreeze who suggested speaking with a professional (therapist). I agree. About whatever conflicting feelings you're experiencing. May help you sort this out. Edited April 7, 2021 by poppyfields
glows Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 Just let this go, OP. It's got warning signs all over it and regardless of how you both got here, it's not working. Relationships are meant to be loving and inspiring, safe zones and places of growth too. This is harrowing, stressful, confusing. I'm sorry about all this. 1
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 7, 2021 Author Posted April 7, 2021 14 minutes ago, glows said: Just let this go, OP. It's got warning signs all over it and regardless of how you both got here, it's not working. Relationships are meant to be loving and inspiring, safe zones and places of growth too. This is harrowing, stressful, confusing. I'm sorry about all this. I did some homework yesterday and I am STUNNED at what I learned. I talked with a friend of his last ex partner who broke up with him about a year ago. The stories are exactly as some have predicted here of what would happen to me. He got her extremely drunk and had her having sex with random men and the description of what she went through was EXACT. He would blame the alcohol and promise to never do it again -- and then he did...over and over. She said that he DEFINITELY took her to both of these swinger resorts and that is his intent -- and that he DEFINITELY knew they were swinger resorts because he has been to BOTH with her and she wasn't as wise as I was ...and said no before arriving. I have to end this... and I am so lucky I am seeing the warning signs. This woman wasted 4 years with him -- 5
poppyfields Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, redpandapanda2 said: I did some homework yesterday and I am STUNNED at what I learned. I talked with a friend of his last ex partner who broke up with him about a year ago. The stories are exactly as some have predicted here of what would happen to me. He got her extremely drunk and had her having sex with random men and the description of what she went through was EXACT. He would blame the alcohol and promise to never do it again -- and then he did...over and over. She said that he DEFINITELY took her to both of these swinger resorts and that is his intent -- and that he DEFINITELY knew they were swinger resorts because he has been to BOTH with her and she wasn't as wise as I was ...and said no before arriving. I have to end this... and I am so lucky I am seeing the warning signs. This woman wasted 4 years with him -- Yea please do, the sooner the better, like today, now! Next post from you I'd like to read you ended it, blocked, deleted. We're here for support. xo Edited April 7, 2021 by poppyfields 4
Author redpandapanda2 Posted April 7, 2021 Author Posted April 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Yea please do, the sooner the better, like today, now! Next post from you I'd like to read you ended it, blocked, deleted. We're here for support. xo Thank you! Really grateful.... 2
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