Boyfriend of 5 months seems obsessed with me going topless.

[Marc878]

Buy him some tight speedo briefs and tell him you want him wearing them in public.

 

[basil67]

@Marc878 He probably would

[spiderowl]

Yes, Redpanda, I would find it disturbing.  It is his 'thing' to see topless women.  He is moulding you to fit his idea of the perfect woman.  If you do not like what he is doing, tell him to stop and see what happens.  He will probably try to persuade you to go along with it and say there is no harm in it, but something is bugging you.  Trust your instinct!

One thing that bothers me is, what is he going to do with the pictures he is taking of you?  He might be keeping them for himself, for his own pleasure, but be careful.  If this interest in topless women is causing him to divert his route when he is with you, his girlfriend, it does seem a bit much.  If it is too much, it could be some sort of fetish - hard to know because many men are attracted by breasts anyway and it is normal.  I would say a fetish is when someone's behaviour becomes distorted because of it, if they seem obsessed or are doing something underhand to access their fetish.  There is a fine line between pleasing a partner because of their particular sexual interests and going too far over your own comfort threshold.  Only you can decide which this is.

You do not have to go along with any of his wishes about YOUR body.  You decide what you wear; you decide which route you'd like to take as well as him.  If you stick to what is comfortable for you, see whether he is ok about that or not, or if he starts to pressure you.  If you are feeling pressure about something you are uncomfortable about, stand up for yourself.  If he still persists when he is aware you are not happy, then you need to start thinking about whether you want to be with a guy who puts pressure on you to be someone you are not.

Does he do anything else that you are uncomfortable with?

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes this is a major red flag. I agree with the person who said this is only a hint of craziness to come. Abusers and controllers start asking partners to do crazy stuff early on ... they're trying to numb the partner. So that later, they can have for utterly crazy stuff, and the partner's senses and sanity have been corrupted by going along with the earlier "small" things.

The big red flag here is that you went along. That he pulled you along. I wouldn't want a partner to do some public showing of herself unless she was into it. That he kept on pushing you is the red flag. Slow this thing down sister. There's a great chance he's an abuser and controller and in not too long he'll want approval of your clothes each day. 

Stop this @##t now. 

'Either by saying "no." Or by breaking up. 

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Marc878 He probably would

Well if you were  wanting to go on a diet that would do it.

Edited April 3, 2021 by Marc878

[Mrin]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes this is a major red flag.

You should read her other post on this dude

[redpandapanda2]

On 4/1/2021 at 4:38 PM, dramafreezone said:

Why not just have a frank conversation about his sexual preference/proclivities and see if that's something you're prepared to deal with on a regular basis?  If not, you know what you need to do.

Have you actually expressed to him that you're not comfortable with some of this?  If not how would he know?

yes, unfortunately I have.  I have told him that I am not comfortable with acting out his fantasies and he said he understood.  Then....he brought a guy back to our hotel room (when he was sloppy drunk) and used the drunkenness as an excuse.  

I didn't know what to do because the guy didn't seem to realize exactly what was going on ... and I just started talking to him ( I wasn't plastered nor was the guy) and my BF started asking the guy if he was circumsized and trying to undress me in front of him.  He then told me to show him how good I was at giving BJ -- and told the guy I was an amazing "fuc*".  

I stopped it all and threw the guy out -- and my BF passed out.  The next day he said he had no recollection of that part -- and that he was extremely sorry and he would NEVER do it again. That he felt awful.

But, then...about a month later -- he got drunk again and started talking about how he was going to call a guy friend of his to come over and meet me -- and he wanted me to tease him in the hot tub.  He didn't -- because I said no. We argued about THAT.

He hasn't mentioned any of this acting stuff out again -- and it's been about a month or so.  BUT -- he was still doing what I posted about with the topless stuff -- etc...last weekend.  

Last NIGHT -- he told me on the phone that he really needed me to give him extra BJs this coming weekend and that one of the main reasons he loves me so much is because I'm so good in bed and at BJs.    Yes he had been drinking... but...  

[redpandapanda2]

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes this is a major red flag. I agree with the person who said this is only a hint of craziness to come. Abusers and controllers start asking partners to do crazy stuff early on ... they're trying to numb the partner. So that later, they can have for utterly crazy stuff, and the partner's senses and sanity have been corrupted by going along with the earlier "small" things.

The big red flag here is that you went along. That he pulled you along. I wouldn't want a partner to do some public showing of herself unless she was into it. That he kept on pushing you is the red flag. Slow this thing down sister. There's a great chance he's an abuser and controller and in not too long he'll want approval of your clothes each day. 

Stop this @##t now. 

'Either by saying "no." Or by breaking up. 

yes, unfortunately I have said no prior to this.  I have told him that I am not comfortable with acting out his fantasies and he said he understood.  Then....he brought a guy back to our hotel room (when he was sloppy drunk) and used the drunkenness as an excuse.  

I didn't know what to do because the guy didn't seem to realize exactly what was going on ... and I just started talking to him ( I wasn't plastered nor was the guy) and my BF started asking the guy if he was circumsized and trying to undress me in front of him.  He then told me to show him how good I was at giving BJ -- and told the guy I was an amazing "fuc*".  

I stopped it all and threw the guy out -- and my BF passed out.  The next day he said he had no recollection of that part -- and that he was extremely sorry and he would NEVER do it again. That he felt awful.

But, then...about a month later -- he got drunk again and started talking about how he was going to call a guy friend of his to come over and meet me -- and he wanted me to tease him in the hot tub.  He didn't -- because I said no. We argued about THAT.

He hasn't mentioned any of this acting stuff out again -- and it's been about a month or so.  BUT -- he was still doing what I posted about with the topless stuff -- etc...last weekend.  

Last NIGHT -- he told me on the phone that he really needed me to give him extra BJs this coming weekend and that one of the main reasons he loves me so much is because I'm so good in bed and at BJs.    Yes he had been drinking... but...  

[redpandapanda2]

14 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Yes, Redpanda, I would find it disturbing.  It is his 'thing' to see topless women.  He is moulding you to fit his idea of the perfect woman.  If you do not like what he is doing, tell him to stop and see what happens.  He will probably try to persuade you to go along with it and say there is no harm in it, but something is bugging you.  Trust your instinct!

One thing that bothers me is, what is he going to do with the pictures he is taking of you?  He might be keeping them for himself, for his own pleasure, but be careful.  If this interest in topless women is causing him to divert his route when he is with you, his girlfriend, it does seem a bit much.  If it is too much, it could be some sort of fetish - hard to know because many men are attracted by breasts anyway and it is normal.  I would say a fetish is when someone's behaviour becomes distorted because of it, if they seem obsessed or are doing something underhand to access their fetish.  There is a fine line between pleasing a partner because of their particular sexual interests and going too far over your own comfort threshold.  Only you can decide which this is.

You do not have to go along with any of his wishes about YOUR body.  You decide what you wear; you decide which route you'd like to take as well as him.  If you stick to what is comfortable for you, see whether he is ok about that or not, or if he starts to pressure you.  If you are feeling pressure about something you are uncomfortable about, stand up for yourself.  If he still persists when he is aware you are not happy, then you need to start thinking about whether you want to be with a guy who puts pressure on you to be someone you are not.

Does he do anything else that you are uncomfortable with?  

Yes, he told me last night on the phone (he was fairly drunk, but still) that I needed to give him extra Blow jobs this weekend when he sees me and one of the main reasons he loves me and wants to marry me so much -- is because I'm so good at Blowjobs and I'm so good in bed.   

He spoils me with clothes -- and expects me to wear them on trips etc.  I have a very nice pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses and I've had them since he's met me.  He bought me a "gift" of another nice pair of sunglasses for Valentines.  I was wearing my old glasses last weekend and he said "don't you have another pair to wear...please".   

So, I think I'm starting to see some of this stuff surface...

14 hours ago, spiderowl said:

 

 

[Gaeta]

Why do you date a man that gets drunk to that level?

and why do you date a man that sees you as a sex object?

Why in the world are you still enduring this after 5 months?

Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like?

Do you have standards for yourself?

[glows]

You disagree with him but you don't have the courage to end the relationship or leave him. Is this entertaining for you? I ask genuinely. If someone hasn't had much relationship experience this might seem riotous and it would make for great stories. 

There's something morbid and disgusting about it but also wild and uninhibited so that it keeps things interesting for you. 

I'd suggest thinking about what you're looking for in a relationship and see whether this man or this relationship is it for you. Go back to the drawing board, the first step, and visualize what your ideal relationship looks like. 

[redpandapanda2]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you date a man that gets drunk to that level?

and why do you date a man that sees you as a sex object?

Why in the world are you still enduring this after 5 months?

Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like?

Do you have standards for yourself?

All very good questions -- and I hear you.   I guess I excused SOME of the drunk nights because we were on vacation -- it was a holiday etc.  But, last night -- wasn't a holiday or vacation.

And we both get along very well -- we have great energy -- both professionals. I respect him and the business he's built -- and I guess hearing that he loves me and wants to take me to all the places I've never been ...is intoxicating. 

But, at what expense -- is what I need to ask myself.  

[redpandapanda2]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

You disagree with him but you don't have the courage to end the relationship or leave him. Is this entertaining for you? I ask genuinely. If someone hasn't had much relationship experience this might seem riotous and it would make for great stories. 

There's something morbid and disgusting about it but also wild and uninhibited so that it keeps things interesting for you. 

I'd suggest thinking about what you're looking for in a relationship and see whether this man or this relationship is it for you. Go back to the drawing board, the first step, and visualize what your ideal relationship looks like. 

I think I keep believing that he will come around...and he will avoid making me uncomfortable in the future. I keep giving more chances.

But, when he tells me that one of the main reasons he loves me...is because of BJs and sex....  that says a lot...  oh...and my cleavage.  

Yes, he tells me I'm such a good person and I'm so kind - and he respects me as a professional -- but it's outweighed when he says things like he did last night.   Clearly it's all about sex...

[Gaeta]

Just now, redpandapanda2 said:

But, when he tells me that one of the main reasons he loves me...is because of BJs and sex....  that says a lot...  oh...and my cleavage.  

How can you not feel like an object? 

Do you think this man has all it takes to be a faithful partner? 

Being a professional means nothing about his character. The ILY and promises of travel is just a carrot he's dangling at you so you perform for him. The man doesn't know the difference between his d&ck and his heart.

 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, redpandapanda2 said:

...I guess hearing that he loves me and wants to take me to all the places I've never been ...is intoxicating. 

But, at what expense -- is what I need to ask myself.  

Quote

...I keep believing that he will come around...and he will avoid making me uncomfortable in the future. I keep giving more chances.

I pulled these quotes here because that's how emotional and physical abuse works.

It's subversive and starts in subtle ways but you are slowly being stripped of your individuality. He offers you worldly experiences like travel and he's a professional in his industry which means he has some level of respect from his peers. He sets himself up as someone trustworthy, respectable, respected by others but then behind closed doors, he invites unknown individuals/strangers without first discussing it with you or treating you as an equal in the relationship.

He's already enticed you and is controlling you. He's stripped you of having equal say and in so doing, you also have lost power over your own body. You've already lost your mind to him because you think that what he offers is something you cannot achieve on your own.

Believe me when I say, traveling is something you can very well do on your own and appreciate wholly without a partner. 

People like this pick individuals like you with inexperience, less lived world experiences, who are easy to manipulate and control. You're a good pick for him because you have no guards up whatsoever and are openminded enough to let him walk right in and compromise your safety. Your physical health is also at risk with STDs, not to mention other viruses. What if the invited guest ends up strangling you or asphyxiating you by accident or is a serial killer, someone mentally unhinged and waiting to take it out on unsuspecting couples? Your first line of defense was in vetoing those individuals but your partner was too self-involved and selfish to include you in the screening process. 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said:

he brought a guy back to our hotel room (when he was sloppy drunk)

about a month later -- he got drunk again

Last NIGHT -- he had been drinking... but...  

But nothing. You're in a relationship with a drunk and have been for some time, going by your posts and this time line. Exactly when do you think he's going to snap out of this and become the man you wished he'd be?  Here's your answer: that day ain't coming, boo.  He's 55--he is set in his ways like a fossil. He's not going to change. He's going to the grave like this.

What exactly are you getting out of a relationship with him? Some days where he's not drunk and spends money on you? I'm sure they don't eclipse the days when he's drunk and unpleasant.

Unless you like being used to sexually tease men when he's all-out blotto (and would be in no shape to defend you if things got really out of hand and most likely would blame you for making him look bad), you need to face some really hard facts, sweetie. He is who he is and has shown no inclination to change... quite the opposite--he fights you when you try to make him change. That's no way to spend the rest of your life, or at least the best years of youth that you can never get back.

He needs to be dropped off and you keep going. He'll find someone stupid who'll let him use her like that. Don't be that one.

Quote

He spoils me with clothes

Give him back every gift he ever gave you and stop letting your sex be bought for some sunglasses, clothes and trips.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by kendahke

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, redpandapanda2 said:

yes, unfortunately I have.  I have told him that I am not comfortable with acting out his fantasies and he said he understood.  Then....he brought a guy back to our hotel room (when he was sloppy drunk) and used the drunkenness as an excuse.  

I didn't know what to do because the guy didn't seem to realize exactly what was going on ... and I just started talking to him ( I wasn't plastered nor was the guy) and my BF started asking the guy if he was circumsized and trying to undress me in front of him.  He then told me to show him how good I was at giving BJ -- and told the guy I was an amazing "fuc*".  

I stopped it all and threw the guy out -- and my BF passed out.  The next day he said he had no recollection of that part -- and that he was extremely sorry and he would NEVER do it again. That he felt awful.

But, then...about a month later -- he got drunk again and started talking about how he was going to call a guy friend of his to come over and meet me -- and he wanted me to tease him in the hot tub.  He didn't -- because I said no. We argued about THAT.

He hasn't mentioned any of this acting stuff out again -- and it's been about a month or so.  BUT -- he was still doing what I posted about with the topless stuff -- etc...last weekend.  

Last NIGHT -- he told me on the phone that he really needed me to give him extra BJs this coming weekend and that one of the main reasons he loves me so much is because I'm so good in bed and at BJs.    Yes he had been drinking... but...  

Well, seems like you know what you have to do.  What exactly are you confused about here? 

He's 55, he's not at a point in his life where he's willing to do without something.   In his mind, he's worked hard to be able to live a certain lifestyle and he's not about to begin compromising.  If you don't want to participate in his sexual activities then part ways.  Those are the two choices, participate or break up.  He's not going to do without, he's not going to come around, it's foolish to think otherwise.

Edited April 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Crazelnut]

OMG, OMG, please find your sense of self-worth and get out of this situation! He's grooming you for, at best, threesomes with god knows who and, at worst, pornography or prostitution. You may think it's exaggeration, but I assure you it's not. 

Don't let him buy your body and your dignity for a few trinkets and some trips. Get away from him!

[cleverusername]

Tell him you'll only take your top off at the beach if he wears one of those elephant thongs that make your junk look like an elephant trunk when out in public. Then don't take your top off and leave him.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

OMG, OMG, please find your sense of self-worth and get out of this situation! He's grooming you for, at best, threesomes with god knows who and, at worst, pornography or prostitution. You may think it's exaggeration, but I assure you it's not. 

Don't let him buy your body and your dignity for a few trinkets and some trips. Get away from him!

Meh, I do think this is a bit of exaggeration.  Having someone have sex with your partner in front of you is not as uncommon of a fetish as you would think.  I'm not into it but it doesn't strike me as he's trying to turn her into a prostitute.  Threesomes, this type of voyueristic sexual act, they're not immoral or evil acts.  It's just what he's into. 

I'm certain he's had women previously that were all for it.  She's not, so she just needs to end the relationship.  I don't understand why she hasn't already.

Edited April 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Lotsgoingon]

Quit saying that he "spoils" you with clothes.

He has no right to buy you effing clothes. And you need not think of this as a gift. A gift is when we get something we really want. And I'm clothes aren't it. 

Giving people gifts is what controllers do because they don't see you as an individual, and they can't figure out something specific about you and your interests. 

Quit numbing. You're numbing yourself based on crazy behavior. Numbing will just land you in crazier and crazier positions. 

Say no now. No effing suggestions. Say no. He can't handle that and move on, relationship is over. End this now, end it soon because the longer you stay the weaker you'll get and the more destructive he will get. Get the heck out now. 

And start sharing your experiences with people. If you had friends you were talking to, your friends (unless they themselves were backward and had low self worth) would tell you that this behavior is nutty. 

[Crazelnut]

5 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Meh, I do think this is a bit of exaggeration.  Having someone have sex with your partner in front of you is not as uncommon of a fetish as you would think.  I'm not into it but it doesn't strike me as he's trying to turn her into a prostitute.  Threesomes, this type of voyueristic sexual act, they're not immoral or evil acts.  It's just what he's into. 

I'm certain he's had women previously that were all for it.  She's not, so she just needs to end the relationship.  I don't understand why she hasn't already.

Not really an exaggeration. This is one of the main way "boyfriends" get their naive girlfriends to do porn or have sex with their guy friends, which turns into colleagues. 

[Miss Peach]

I've dated guys into these things so the sex part in itself doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the lack of consent and respect of the OP's boundaries.

 

I would be OK putting a lot of these topics on the table for discussion in a relationship. But I would no do it unless I had complete trust the guy could take no and had my best interests at heart. Unfortunately I've run into a lot of guys like the OP's guy who think only of their perspective and what they want. It's a totally different experience putting these things on the table with someone who gets boundaries, respect, and consent.

 

At best it sounds like the OP and their BF have different values in regards to sex. The part that's really bothering me is the OP's BF isn't respecting her boundary when she says no. That alone would make me uncomfortable regardless of the OP's comfort with these acts.

[Wiseman2]

Topless/nude beaches are all over. Don't think that is as much of a problem as him making you uncomfortable in general. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[redpandapanda2]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Topless/nude beaches are all over. Don't think that is as much of a problem as him making you uncomfortable in general. 

Yes my update is that I found out that he is would like to go to an "adult playground" fo this birthday trip next month.  I asked him the names of the resorts and they are known as swinger resorts.. 

Here are some of the descriptions for the 2 he has "narrowed it down to" 

The perfect place to indulge your most erotic fantasies, the hotel offers options that you’ll find intensely satisfying. Ever imagine having your entire body slathered with chocolate and whipped cream? A delectable idea, accompanied by sparkling wine, strawberries, and passion fruit. To take you to even more blissful heights, the hotel offers a private room for four couples. Inside, you’ll find passionate music to set the scene, plus a swing and just one bed.

the other one: 

Don’t miss the Temptastic Pool, open 24 hours a day, where no temptation is out of reach. And keep the fun going with a visit to the dance club, which has very special dress codes. On Wednesdays, latex is required; on Thursdays, lingerie is mandatory; and on Saturdays, guests must dress in sexy red and black attire to awaken their deepest passions.

They are advertised as "the most welcoming sex resort on earth"

So...CLEARLY -- he could give a rats as* about my boundaries...if he KNOWS that I am uncomfortable with this stuff and he is literally booking trips to take me out of the country to some all inclusive sex playground???