Versacehottie Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 I don't think you can separate the hot/cold dynamic from the fact that it's taking place in the context of an affair though. Like you can't really address that separately because the two issues are certainly intertwined. And your expectations and what you can request and require of him are entirely different than in a normal relationship. 3
chillii Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 l find you being as a well adjusted adult straight out of a 20yr marriage as you might think a bit steep tbh and how soon just out of a 20yr marriage is just out of, anyway ? Maybe you just see yourself that way but that's also very common without realizing it. Thing is , it could be something about you and your actions which most women also don't usually see either about themselves. l'd just be wondering only hearing one side of the story here, if something is making him put the brakes on every so often to keep things slow while he figures out if your for real and what this is first, especially to you being just out of a marriage. That's one very big thing that made me keep things slow back in the day bc it was a huge issue with any women l met- they just couldn't see it. Orrrr, maybe he's a little low on interest , has some fun and then wanders off so to speak in which case it's not gonna be a long term thing then bc that'll just get less as time goes on if it's at that point already.
Interstellar Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, Alexa007 said: I've googled and everything I read says it's normal for guys to be hot/cold. Everything I read also says that the best reaction is to do nothing other than just take care of yourself, go out, etc. I'm a well-adjusted adult but don't have much dating experience as I'm just coming out of a 20+year marriage (I was married at 19) My guy does this. He'll be super lovey, texting constantly, always holding me close when we're together, etc for weeks. And then, without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less. It's a cycle. He never stops contacting me completely but it still sends me into a downward spiral. Even though I know this happens and that he eventually comes around, I hate it. He's doing it right now and I'm just pulling away a bit. Obviously I won't initiate any texts but do I respond to the ones he sends? I don't want to appear petty/pouty. I guess I'm just looking for what's "normal" guy behavior and what reaction is best for the girl to xxxxxx. Post deleted. Edited April 1, 2021 by Interstellar
CalipsoRose Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 No its not normal for guys to be hot and cold, don't buy that BS. It means he's either losing interest or at the very least, needing more space away from you for whatever reason. In ALL cases of a man pulling away, the ONLY thing you should do is match his energy and pull away too. If he attempts to reach out, be warm, be nice, do not be pouty and emotional. Use this time now to gauge if this is really the man you want to be with after all. 2
LynneVicious Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 His sudden refusal to touch you or kiss you may have something to do with the fact that he’s married. You cannot possibly think ‘normal’ would apply to your situation and attempt to apply ‘normal guy behavior’ with your situation. as a side piece, you’ve been relegated to second-class and with that, you are not his priority. Not texting, not making plans, not touch you ALL comes with the territory with being an affair partner. If this doesn’t work for you, then exit the relationship to save your sanity. But whatever you do, do not minimize it as a normal relationship and expect his behavior to be normal. Im sorry, but you’re bound to be hurt. Thrown under the bus and discarded when the affair is discovered. Are you okay with that happening? 1
Allupinnit Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 1 hour ago, LynneVicious said: His sudden refusal to touch you or kiss you may have something to do with the fact that he’s married. You cannot possibly think ‘normal’ would apply to your situation and attempt to apply ‘normal guy behavior’ with your situation. as a side piece, you’ve been relegated to second-class and with that, you are not his priority. Not texting, not making plans, not touch you ALL comes with the territory with being an affair partner. If this doesn’t work for you, then exit the relationship to save your sanity. But whatever you do, do not minimize it as a normal relationship and expect his behavior to be normal. Im sorry, but you’re bound to be hurt. Thrown under the bus and discarded when the affair is discovered. Are you okay with that happening? In her other thread she mentions that everyone knows now but the wife, so she's just in limbo at this point waiting for him to pick her but he's gone cold (up til yesterday anyway).
NYAG Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 21 hours ago, Alexa007 said: I've googled and everything I read says it's normal for guys to be hot/cold. Everything I read also says that the best reaction is to do nothing other than just take care of yourself, go out, etc. I'm a well-adjusted adult but don't have much dating experience as I'm just coming out of a 20+year marriage (I was married at 19) My guy does this. He'll be super lovey, texting constantly, always holding me close when we're together, etc for weeks. And then, without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less. It's a cycle. He never stops contacting me completely but it still sends me into a downward spiral. Even though I know this happens and that he eventually comes around, I hate it. He's doing it right now and I'm just pulling away a bit. Obviously I won't initiate any texts but do I respond to the ones he sends? I don't want to appear petty/pouty. I guess I'm just looking for what's "normal" guy behavior and what reaction is best for the girl to have? If the guy is married then you have the answer. If you don't like the hot and cold move on. MM's are not worth the long term, and I say that as someone who's two months into one. Keep your feel on the ground. You are always second whether by choice or by default and eventually it will end. 3
spiderowl Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 On 3/31/2021 at 8:23 PM, Alexa007 said: I've googled and everything I read says it's normal for guys to be hot/cold. Everything I read also says that the best reaction is to do nothing other than just take care of yourself, go out, etc. I'm a well-adjusted adult but don't have much dating experience as I'm just coming out of a 20+year marriage (I was married at 19) My guy does this. He'll be super lovey, texting constantly, always holding me close when we're together, etc for weeks. And then, without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less. It's a cycle. He never stops contacting me completely but it still sends me into a downward spiral. Even though I know this happens and that he eventually comes around, I hate it. He's doing it right now and I'm just pulling away a bit. Obviously I won't initiate any texts but do I respond to the ones he sends? I don't want to appear petty/pouty. I guess I'm just looking for what's "normal" guy behavior and what reaction is best for the girl to have? His behaviour doesn't sound normal to me, OP, unless you've just had a row or something. I can see why it affects you badly. You are instinctively pulling away yourself. In your position, I think I'd do likewise and not bother pulling back. That kind of inconsistent behaviour sounds most unpleasant and hurtful for you. I'd have to really love someone madly to put up with that on a regular basis. 1
glows Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) I've never experienced this in relationships. They were all pretty even with communication and consistent. If a guy gives any reason - scared, not sure, testosterone too low, it just means he's not that into you. You might also want to check how often you text and call because the honeymoon period can be hard to keep up with (hence the term honeymoon period). It only lasts for so long because the barrage of texts and sweet nothings fades off to a more realistic level. Keep things realistic and in perspective and please don't settle for someone who drops scraps or is hot/cold. Edited April 3, 2021 by glows 2
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