Alexa007 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I've googled and everything I read says it's normal for guys to be hot/cold. Everything I read also says that the best reaction is to do nothing other than just take care of yourself, go out, etc. I'm a well-adjusted adult but don't have much dating experience as I'm just coming out of a 20+year marriage (I was married at 19) My guy does this. He'll be super lovey, texting constantly, always holding me close when we're together, etc for weeks. And then, without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less. It's a cycle. He never stops contacting me completely but it still sends me into a downward spiral. Even though I know this happens and that he eventually comes around, I hate it. He's doing it right now and I'm just pulling away a bit. Obviously I won't initiate any texts but do I respond to the ones he sends? I don't want to appear petty/pouty. I guess I'm just looking for what's "normal" guy behavior and what reaction is best for the girl to have?
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I put little stock in texting. But you can initiate touching him. Also if I feel interest waning, that is a signal to mix things up. Plan a trip. Invest in new lingerie. Try a new meal or a new position. Just do something a little different to spice things up. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 It would bother me, too. Especially the touching part, more than the texting part. Dating is the time to evaluate whether or not the R will work for you long term. People are so different from each other in many regards.
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 How long have you been dating? Yes some men tend to pull away for a while, never more than a few days. Not all men feel the need to do that. It happens mostly after you've spent a lot of time together like an entire weekend, or you took a trip together, etc. More a man spend time with a woman more his testosterone level lower, he then will withdrawal to rebuild his testosterone level, he does that on an unconscious level. If you don't let him pull away he will remain in his caveman longer. If it last more than a few days then it's something else. Of course I would not ignore his calls/texts. I would plan something for myself, I'd make myself busy with something else so he stays at his place instead of having him with me and he's distant. 1
Author Alexa007 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: How long have you been dating? Yes some men tend to pull away for a while, never more than a few days. Not all men feel the need to do that. It happens mostly after you've spent a lot of time together like an entire weekend, or you took a trip together, etc. More a man spend time with a woman more his testosterone level lower, he then will withdrawal to rebuild his testosterone level, he does that on an unconscious level. If you don't let him pull away he will remain in his caveman longer. If it last more than a few days then it's something else. Of course I would not ignore his calls/texts. I would plan something for myself, I'd make myself busy with something else so he stays at his place instead of having him with me and he's distant. I've read that and it's fascinating! It's never more than a day or two.
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Just now, Alexa007 said: I've read that and it's fascinating! It's never more than a day or two. And they say women are complicated eh! lol If it's only a day or 2 then you have no worry. Don't make him feel guilty if he wants to spend time on his own. If you set him free with a smile he will bounce back faster, happy with his battery recharged. I've notice that men that are very affectionate, that fully live in the moment when they're with you will often need that time alone. 4
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I think a lot of guys need their own personal time (or time with guys) to feel independent and assert that independence. It's not a affront to you necessarily. I'm going to guess (it's a guess because I don't know for a fact) that there is a biological component to some it and/or definitely a male conditioning influence. Being that a lot of guys take being in a relationship as a true responsibility and looking out for their partner, I'm sure they need time away from shouldering that responsibility. It doesn't even mean you put that on him, just that is how he functions in the world and in his romantic relationships. I can think of similar things that partners of either male/female feel the need for some space. Probably like a bit of a guilt thing because he doesn't want to say straight out (to you) that he needs some space to reset. Those could be the underlying things that are just generalized. Obviously for him specifically there could be other very specific reasons. Most importantly, I think you need to come to a better understanding of what/why he's operating like that so you can decide if it's within you to work with it or not. I think there are ways for sure, including being fulfilled with your time away from him. But you want to strike a balance that works for both of you. I feel like if you get that balance a bit better and he's a good guy, he will really be appreciative of it and your relationship will benefit from it a lot. I kind of always thing backing off of your request (especially if you've already said something) usually works best with guys like this--at least with the emotional stuff or wanting more time together (haven't heard much about the physical hot/cold). That said, some couples like to be together all the time and things aren't hot/cold within that time, maybe you are better suited for that type of guy. It's the other thing to think about. Good luck
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) 46 minutes ago, Alexa007 said: I've googled and everything I read says it's normal for guys to be hot/cold. . without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less. It's a cycle. How long have you been dating? Edited March 31, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) Let’s put this in context, is this the married man with whom you’ve just had D-day? The man who has told you that he will tell his wife he is leaving her for you and with whom you are now waiting to see if he intends to follow through? I’d say this is more complicated than - my guy has withdrawn, how should I respond? This is typical of the push-pull dynamic in an affair. You have been honeymooning this past month, as you had “ended things” but continued to talk with the man. You are playing a game of cat and mouse, in many ways. Then, you were discovered by family but not his wife... and now you are waiting for him to tell his wife that he is leaving. He is obviously pulling back for a reason, and I would say that he probably has a lot on his mind. Edited March 31, 2021 by BaileyB 3 2 3
cleverusername Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Try a new meal or a new position Ahhhh yes, these two go hand in hand. I'm quite the fan of Chicken Parm and missionary. @OP If this is the guy who is still married that you were doing NC, then it's time to end it. 3
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 In the words of Oprah in the Meghan and Harry interview... Whhhhhhhatt!?!?!? If you've seen the meme it's hilarious and definitely applies on this one... 1
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 "Guys" don't usually play push and pull, hot and cold but married guys like you have here do it all the time. He is juggling two women... and trying hard not to lose his wife.. while keeping you around at the same time.. 2
basil67 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Alexa007 said: My guy does this. He'll be super lovey, texting constantly, always holding me close when we're together, etc for weeks. And then, without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less. It's a cycle. He never stops contacting me completely but it still sends me into a downward spiral. Some will tell you that this is about a man going into his "cave" etc. But do be aware that many men don't do this and of those who do, we do not have to accept it. The best reaction a woman can have to this type of thing is to tell him that you're over it and dump him. 3 1
lana-banana Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: Some will tell you that this is about a man going into his "cave" etc. But do be aware that many men don't do this and of those who do, we do not have to accept it. The best reaction a woman can have to this type of thing is to tell him that you're over it and dump him. I understand needing time to cool down and clear your head, but to just disappear for a day or so with no contact sounds deeply bizarre and childish. If somebody in a serious relationship finds the presence of a partner so suffocating that they have to leave for days at a time, they are totally unfit for a conventional form of commitment. 5
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 7 minutes ago, lana-banana said: I understand needing time to cool down and clear your head, but to just disappear for a day or so with no contact sounds deeply bizarre and childish. If somebody in a serious relationship finds the presence of a partner so suffocating that they have to leave for days at a time, they are totally unfit for a conventional form of commitment. The guy is married. The days he disappears, he is probably trying to pacify or suck up to his wife... or she is in his face and he cannot get away to speak to the OP... Alexa is in a workplace affair, this is not a normal relationship, he has offered no commitment, he has said he is not leaving his wife...
poppyfields Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Alexa, I don't know your story with the MM, but generally speaking, I have read (John Gray, Esther Perel and others) that after getting emotionally close to a woman, say after an especially intimate weekend or vacation, some men will need some lone time to “regroup,” get back to their autonomous selves. If a woman allows him this time, he will return with even more love to give. Yes it’s a cycle, but it’s not forever, it’s simply the process some men go through while moving closer to a woman, emotionally. As Gaeta said, if a woman takes offense to it, or begins pushing asking questions, he will recoil and need to spend even more time alone. It’s not only men who do this, some women do as well. I know for me as an introverted person, I need lone time after spending a significant amount of time with a boyfriend. So I understand when my boyfriends have and I don’t take offense to it nor do I take it personally. That said, I am not into “conventional” commitment so perhaps that’s why too. 3
Allupinnit Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 You have mentioned this is a pattern with him in your other threads. I think you are addicted to the push/pull and intermittent reinforcement that affairs provide. He hasn't contacted you because he got you sucked back in (again) with the love-bombing and now when push comes to shove he probably realizes he doesn't want to leave his wife after all. This is not typical man-cave ala Men are From Mars... 3
Sun Seeker Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 No it is certainly not 'normal', not sure where you got that idea from or what silly sites you have been reading. Maybe for a teenager but not for an adult man who knows what he wants. Sounds like he is just not interested in you as much as you are in him, or he has another woman in his life. From your other topic about MM it all makes sense, not sure why you are so confused. He is playing you and you seem to lack the self confidence and self worth to put an end to it properly, working together or not. 1
dramafreezone Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) Why is it always assumed that pulling away 3 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I think a lot of guys need their own personal time (or time with guys) to feel independent and assert that independence. It's not a affront to you necessarily. Maybe this isn't really even a guy thing, but maybe the OP's boyfriend is introverted. I am, and I need alone tiime to recharge my batteries. I know plenty of guys that love to be around their GF 24/7. Similarly I know women that need space at times. I think this is more of an introverted guy here, not that this is behavior typical of most or even the majority of guys. Some just don't understand that we all process interpersonal energy differently. A lot of extroverts think everyone should be like them. If I need to be by myself I'm not being a jerk or standoffish. I need it to function normally. Edited March 31, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 In all honesty I feel bad that you are getting some flack OP, but you can't leave out that crucial detail that the guy is married. Giving you advice without knowing the crucial detail is pretty useless. It's different than a normal available-to-date guy, who is able to move forward and progress the relationship. He has a whole other sort of roadblock going on so I don't think the normal hot/cold reasons apply. It probably has WAY more to do with the fact that he's entangled in a marriage and you are the side person. As well as trying to create a dynamic that is exciting to him and dramatic (some people seek this and have affairs for this reason). And perhaps he wrestles with the guilt and the indecision--that's probably the real reason for the hot/cold. 3
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I can think of similar things that partners of either male/female feel the need for some space. Yeah, dramafree...I agree with the introverted thing. Lol, this was my attempt to say that. You did it far more eloquently and clearly
dramafreezone Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: In all honesty I feel bad that you are getting some flack OP, but you can't leave out that crucial detail that the guy is married. Giving you advice without knowing the crucial detail is pretty useless. It's different than a normal available-to-date guy, who is able to move forward and progress the relationship. He has a whole other sort of roadblock going on so I don't think the normal hot/cold reasons apply. It probably has WAY more to do with the fact that he's entangled in a marriage and you are the side person. As well as trying to create a dynamic that is exciting to him and dramatic (some people seek this and have affairs for this reason). And perhaps he wrestles with the guilt and the indecision--that's probably the real reason for the hot/cold. I didn't read where the guy was married. Holy crap, well, first of all OP, he's not "your guy." He's the wife's guy. You don't really have any right to feel indignant honestly. You want a guy that won't pull back, find a single guy. 2
Author Alexa007 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 Hey y'all... I'm really just wanting to know in general what's "normal" for a typical relationship. Not necessarily just my screwed up situation. It will help me in my decision making. I'm in my 40's but have never dated because I married young to my high school sweetheart (I'm now divorced).
dramafreezone Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, Alexa007 said: Hey y'all... I'm really just wanting to know in general what's "normal" for a typical relationship. Not necessarily just my screwed up situation. It will help me in my decision making. I'm in my 40's but have never dated because I married young to my high school sweetheart (I'm now divorced). There is no normal, and that's just the wrong way to look at it. Every relationship is different. There are some guys that need time to themselves to recharge their batteries or to work through any issues. On the other hand, there are some guys that derive vitality from being around others. There are some that are a balance between those types. What's normal is what works for that couple. Some couples can seemingly be dysfunctional but they may just have an unusual communication style. If someone needs space, give them space. It's part of understanding and accepting that person. If you can't accept it, that's called a dealbreaker. 2
Allupinnit Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 15 minutes ago, Alexa007 said: Hey y'all... I'm really just wanting to know in general what's "normal" for a typical relationship. Not necessarily just my screwed up situation. It will help me in my decision making. I'm in my 40's but have never dated because I married young to my high school sweetheart (I'm now divorced). In your OP you say his hot/cold behavior sends you into a downward spiral - and no, that is NOT normal nor healthy. 3
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