What to do/Suggest for an Ex With Triggers?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, SoulCat said:

The morning after pill is a form of emergency birth control, not something you should just use on the regular because 'you can't do condoms and she can't do spermicide' . It delivers an unholy hormonal blow to a woman's system that can have some pretty uncomfortable side effects. It's pretty darn selfish of you to expect her to take this when you're not taking any of your own precaustions. If you can't use condoms due to a latex allergy, find latex free condoms. 

Ah yes - this!   Largely where I felt the gaslighting was coming from.   It's perfectly reasonable for a woman (any woman!) to get cross if a guy expects her to take a super dose of hormones after having sex.    This does not qualify as a "trigger"

 

Edited March 31, 2021 by basil67

[Love2Love78]

Ok, since there is a LOT to reply to, and I have limited time and many are duplicates of the same topics, let me try to hit a few things here while I have a minute:

1)  I was not always like this.  In fact, from 2017-2019, I never let things move fast with anyone.  Only three people I dated, and all of them I took things slow with.  Honestly, I was moving things so slow with them that I felt like things weren't even going anywhere and I lost interest.  I even waited three months just to have sex with one of them, all for me to find out like two weeks after that, they were a waste of my time. 

Imo, you can spend 10 days or 10 years with someone, and either way, suddenly get blind-sided by something.  So, while I know there are risks to taking things too fast, there are also issues with taking things too slow, which is that people end up feeling it isn't that serious, start exploring other options (which happened with one of them), feel the chemistry isn't enough to *want* more, etc.  So, while everyone here keeps promoting "slow slow slow," I was on the opposite end of the spectrum for a while, and that didn't work any better for me at all whatsoever.  Just took longer to find out if someone was a waste of my time.  With that said, yes, I know this was too fast again.  However, there was no discussions of moving in together or any of that.  It did go slower in some aspects.  I just still suck at throttling my emotions.  She love-bombed the hell out of me, and I fell for it.  It was hard not to when she is telling me she has not been in a serious relationship for 7 years, yet wanted that with me.  Lots of other love-bombs I got as well, god only knows how much was true or not.

I know it looks bad, because it was two right in a row, but this was not the norm for me.  I think the reason my feelings are stronger for these women and I'm feeling things with them I never felt before though isn't because of them, but because now that things are getting fixed with my kids, I'm in a MUCH better place emotionally.  I feel the change is me, not them.  But, I can say without any doubt that with these last two dating experiences, I felt stronger feelings towards both of them than I had ever felt towards anyone in my past.  It was very odd, especially for it to happen twice in a row.

 

2)  As far as people saying it isn't my job to "fix" her, I completely 100% agree.  What I do NOT agree with is the second you see someone isn't perfect, you immediately dump them.  The reason I didn't walk away after the first anger outburst with her is after she calmed down, she apologized, acknowledged my "tone" during the conversation reminded her of a conversation with an ex, and it caused her to become unreasonably angry.  She knew it was a problem and acknowledged she had to work on it, saying "it has been years since I have been in a serious relationship.  Please be patient with me and I promise I will work on this."  She was the one who initially acknowledged her problem, not me, and that was the only reason I stuck around.  She simply didn't label it a "trigger" because she didn't know the terminology.  But, she described one to a T - a traumatic event with a past ex who lied and manipulated popped into her head simply by my tone during one single sentence, and after she calmed down, she realized her reaction was completely uncalled for.  It even disturbed her and she was shocked at her own actions after, to the point where she cried and said "I think it's because I'm falling in love with you and I'm scared."  So no, when she acknowledged she had things she needed to work on and asked me to be patient, I was not going to be a heartless douche and dump her.  It wasn't until it occurred multiple times where I realized she isn't fixing it and can't fix it, not on her own.  And yes, at that point, I did walk and have cut her off as far as a relationship.

In addition, I never intended to "fix" her.  I am well aware that causes a VERY unhealthy relationship.  I was simply trying to give her more information about what triggers are and what she was experiencing by providing websites.  However, I told her in order to fix them, she was going to need counseling.  I had no intentions on fixing it - just to be patient while she got help.  I even told her of a center here that has trauma specialists.  I know because I used one after my abusive ex years ago, and it helped me get past my PTSD back then.  She was very receptive to it, but I have no clue if she will follow through.

 

3)  While her and I are broken up and I am not willing to take her back at this point, it still breaks my heart.  It also really hurts that she is questioning in her head now how much of it was trauma from her exes, and how much was me.  I just really hoped to try and do something to show her my intentions were never anything but good for her.  My actions did nothing but show that, but all it took was something worded the wrong way, or said the wrong way, and then she would blow up.  But, she even acknowledged that I was never anything but kind and considerate of her, which is why after the outbursts, she would apologize, seem VERY sincere to the point where I had a hard time just leaving her, and assured me she knew it wasn't me.  It wasn't until this final breakup now where she is left wondering, I guess because I won't take her back again.  But, I suppose it's not possible to do anything at this time to show her how much was her past and how much was actual issues with me, as until she gets help from a therapist, it would be too hard for her to distinguish anyway, right? 

I just don't want to walk away from someone who asked me for help (she asked for more links, and feedback on how I worked through my PTSD years ago) without actually trying to help them.  That's just the kind of person I am.  But, I guess other than the recommendation for therapy, there's not much else I can do at this point, right?

In our last conversation (earlier today we texted briefly a few times), I told her that we need to be apart and could only talk once in a blue moon.  I told her if there was ANY hope of us working out later on, she needs to do months of counseling first, to the point where she is confident she is aware of her traumas, is actively working on fixing them, and feels she has made enough progress to where the anger outbursts wouldn't happen again.  But, even if I did that, I wouldn't do it any sooner than at least three months, and she would have to be seeing a therapist at least every other week (essentially, at least 6 sessions total).  That probably wouldn't even do much, but it would at least show effort on her part.  In all honesty though, as much as I hate to say it, I don't think she is going to make the effort.  She has herself convinced she can fix this on her own, or that maybe her being reminded of her ex was her "intuition" telling her this wasn't right.  Makes no sense though considering every argument started off of her misunderstanding my intentions behind things.  Really wish you guys could see the texts or conversations, as the four friends now who have all assured me it's her, not me.  I have some self-esteem issues, so I wanted to make absolutely sure I didn't do something stupid I need to work on.  None of them could point out anything where I screwed up.

 

4)  I get where all of you indicate you should run with people with this kind of baggage.  However, I have no place to judge based on my own baggage I cannot get rid of.  While I feel I treat women as best as I possibly can (considering them, making them happy, doing the small things to show them I care, being honest, open communication, massages after work, cooking dinner, etc.), I have LOTS of baggage and have been through so much in life, I don't care what someone has been through so much as who they are now (and what they learned from what they went through).

I have two mothers for three children, a daughter and twin boys.  That in and of itself causes many women to walk away, especially when they find out my ex with the boys was not planned by me, but intentionally planned by a narcissist to try and keep me from leaving her.  I can't completely get rid of that ex, so I have a LOT of baggage, and so I try to not judge others.  It isn't until abusive behaviors, lies, disrespect, cheating, or something else big comes along where I walk away. 

I know some will say "well then get to a better place in life first, then date."  I already have gotten to the best place I can at this point.  I have things going back to normal with my kids as far as custody.  I share a town home.  I have the downstairs, but have to share the kitchen, and cannot currently afford anything on my own due to the expenses to fix the issues with the kids (legal expenses).  I am working on getting a home, but it is going to be almost 1.5yrs before a debt falls off my credit to where I could even start trying to get a home.  I would rather not just spend x years single until I have my own home, as after the 1.5yrs, there's obviously finding a home, closing, etc.  Could easily be 2yrs or more before that happens.  I have fixed all my personal traumas from my abusive ex.  While I do let things move too fast with some women, I do treat them good and do all I can to have healthy relationships with them (and base it all on multiple books I have read on relationships, like the Fighting For Your Marriage one, along with multiple others I read).  I have done the best I can to get to a better place, but I still have one ex (the ex wife) who is very rude to me to this day and as such difficult to deal with (she holds grudges and refuses to work on any of it with me), and another ex who has been diagnosed with multiple mental issues and has VERY strong narcissistic tendencies.  I have three kids from two mothers, had been arrested due to allegations from one of them (never convicted since videos showed she was the aggressor, but an arrest alone is a red flag for many), a job that doesn't exactly pay amazing (about $35k a year, which with 3 kids, child support, and legal expenses, leaves me broke), and I do keep pushing for more money, not much else out of that which I have control over.  So, I'm certainly no catch myself and I can't do much about it.

So, due to baggage I have that will not go away until my children are older (and even then, never fully), I don't feel I have a place to judge.  Again, yes I agree that the issues with this woman are too much and the anger issues are abusive.  But, I don't feel I can just walk away every time someone has some kind of baggage.  I am so picky about certain traits as it is that I don't feel I can be picky about not having any baggage while I have lots of my own.  So, while there is some baggage that would cause some of you to immediately walk away, I'm not that judgemental, nor picky in that regard.  I could care less if someone is rolling up with more baggage than the belly of a commercial airline, so long as they have a good heart, similar interests, chemistry with me, etc.  I would take on 10 planes worth of baggage for someone who is actually worth building a future with.  It's not the baggage that's an issue to me - it's the psychological issues, traumas, and problems that negatively impact the relationship.  The difference is, my baggage doesn't cause me to treat anyone I meet any differently than if I didn't have it.  I expect the same, and this woman could not do that.  But, that's not to say that if she had chosen to actively work on it, it couldn't have happened and it couldn't have worked out.  But, she seemed to choose not to, and nothing I can do about that.  Well, at least at this point, she isn't doing it.  I don't know in the weeks to come.  She seemed receptive, but so far has not taken action with contacting the center that has the trauma specialists.

[basil67]

23 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

Meanwhile, I bought the morning after pill (actually bought four to be safe) for her, and kept asking her what she would be comfortable with.  But, because of my "tone," she took something I said the wrong way. 

Why did you feel the need to keep asking her what she would be comfortable with?    What were you feeling when your 'tone' came on?   I'm guessing it wasn't a regular happy tone, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten upset.

I understand you wanting to give women with a lot of baggage a chance, but how many times are you prepared to be dumped or messed up as a result of that baggage?    You've got two fails already this year and it's only the start of April.   When posters tell you to leave when the red flags start popping up, they are trying to save you from the situation you are currently in.

 

 

 

[Love2Love78]

One other thing to add, just to give an example of how "take everything slow" does NOT always work out in your favor...

Three years ago, I took things slow.  I would only see her 2-3 times a week the first month, not much more the next month.  She would tell me she wanted to see me more, but I kept telling her that I rushed things too fast in the past and didn't want to do that again.  I was intentionally trying to keep my distance from her back then because it was my first time dating in 1.5yrs and I was VERY afraid of being hurt again.

Well, three months into things, I came to find out she was dating other men, mainly because she felt I wasn't seeing her much because I was doing the same with women!!!  Sure, you can blame that on trust issues on her part, or other issues on her part, but she flat out told me something like "you barely ever saw me, even when I asked for more time.  I genuinely though you weren't very interested in me and were trying to find something better.  So, after a month and a half of feeling unwanted by you, I started seeing other men.  I didn't want to, but I figured it was only a matter of time before you dumped me for one of the other women, so I had to do the same."  Yes, we talked, and I told her I wasn't seeing anyone else.  But, I know what it's like to have difficulty trusting when you've been lied to so many times, so I understood when she told me she questioned if I was being honest, or just trying to spare her feelings while dating others.

In my eyes, I ruined that relationship because I didn't give her more time with me.  If I gave her more time with me when she asked, that most likely never would've happened, as she wouldn't have been thinking I was avoiding her to be with other women.  So, intentionally keeping distance in the beginning has its drawbacks too.  Faster or slower, in my experience, you still get hurt when it doesn't work out.  Only difference is things aren't as messy if you're living together by that point, which I have NOT done with anyone in 4.5yrs.  Even though I talked to the previous ex about it, we never actually moved in together, and had already agreed to wait at least 6mos (and for the kids to be ready for it) to even consider it.

[Love2Love78]

Just now, basil67 said:

Why did you feel the need to keep asking her what she would be comfortable with?    What were you feeling when your 'tone' came on?   I'm guessing it wasn't a regular happy tone, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten upset.

I understand you wanting to give women with a lot of baggage a chance, but how many times are you prepared to be dumped or messed up as a result of that baggage?    You've got two fails already this year and it's only the start of April.   When posters tell you to leave when the red flags start popping up, they are trying to save you from the situation you are currently in.

 

 

 

Well, because I knew she was VERY afraid of getting pregnant.  She has two kids, I have three.  At the time, other than just not have sex at all, our only options were either the morning after pill or pulling out (which I feel is VERY irresponsible), and eventually, she was going to get an IUD.

And to clarify for those acting like there is some secrets I'm not telling, she is the one who first initiated sex (on our 3rd date).  I knew it had been a LONG time, so I told her I was willing to wait however long until she was ready.  She made it clear she couldn't wait long and really, really wanted me.  It happened purely out of her choice, she initiated, and she knew our only option at that point was the morning after pill.  She also made it quite clear about 15 mins in that she wanted me to c*m in her.  Actually screamed it, so again, that was her choice, not something I just decided to do.  It gets her off too.  To add, she had not had sex in at least three years, and she (for some odd reason) cannot make herself orgasm unless there is another person involved, either oral or penetration.  Yes, I thought it was odd, but that is what she told me.  With how bad she wanted me, seemed like it could've been the case, but who knows for sure.

Anyway, while she talked about getting an IUD, she was taking a while to get one.  I wasn't sure if she was blowing it off for some reason, or was just busy with other things and kept forgetting.  Either way, I was telling her I could get a vasectomy if she would rather me have that.  She kept insisting she wanted the IUD instead, just in case we decided to have one more later on (said if our income increased substantially, we would talk about it).  So, I was always asking her what she wanted to make sure it was what she was comfortable with.  I'm simply considerate of the person I'm with, and since she was the one worried about getting pregnant, was doing my best to consider her feelings on the matter and what she wanted to do.

And I do listen to the posters.  I did not go back to the last ex when they told me not to, even though she messaged me and tried to get me back.  With this one, I have no intentions of taking her back either now.  I already shot her down earlier today.  My only intentions have been to try and help her out instead of just telling her to screw off.  I just didn't know the best way to give her advice on what to do, resources, etc.

I just wish that there were more people that don't let their baggage impact how they treat the person they're with.  With this woman, from my understanding (and I could be wrong), her exes (at least two of them) treated her so badly that now, she has such a negative perspective on men that we are all horrible people.  That is why it had been so long since she had dated.  She flat out told me that for years, men disgusted her.  If a man even looked her way, she would get angry for them checking her out.  With me, she said things were different, but I guess it was only a matter of time before she saw me the same way.  Just sucks when prior to the anger issues, our chemistry was amazing and I was so into her. 

 

[Alpacalia]

This thread is quite confusing. Too many relationships overlapping. Maybe for you, not being in a relationship for a while may do some good.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

Well, because I knew she was VERY afraid of getting pregnant.  She has two kids, I have three.  At the time, other than just not have sex at all, our only options were either the morning after pill or pulling out (which I feel is VERY irresponsible), and eventually, she was going to get an IUD.

And to clarify for those acting like there is some secrets I'm not telling, she is the one who first initiated sex (on our 3rd date).  I knew it had been a LONG time, so I told her I was willing to wait however long until she was ready.  She made it clear she couldn't wait long and really, really wanted me.  It happened purely out of her choice, she initiated, and she knew our only option at that point was the morning after pill.  She also made it quite clear about 15 mins in that she wanted me to c*m in her.  Actually screamed it, so again, that was her choice, not something I just decided to do.  It gets her off too.  To add, she had not had sex in at least three years, and she (for some odd reason) cannot make herself orgasm unless there is another person involved, either oral or penetration.  Yes, I thought it was odd, but that is what she told me.  With how bad she wanted me, seemed like it could've been the case, but who knows for sure.

Anyway, while she talked about getting an IUD, she was taking a while to get one.  I wasn't sure if she was blowing it off for some reason, or was just busy with other things and kept forgetting.  Either way, I was telling her I could get a vasectomy if she would rather me have that.  She kept insisting she wanted the IUD instead, just in case we decided to have one more later on (said if our income increased substantially, we would talk about it).  So, I was always asking her what she wanted to make sure it was what she was comfortable with.  I'm simply considerate of the person I'm with, and since she was the one worried about getting pregnant, was doing my best to consider her feelings on the matter and what she wanted to do.

And I do listen to the posters.  I did not go back to the last ex when they told me not to, even though she messaged me and tried to get me back.  With this one, I have no intentions of taking her back either now.  I already shot her down earlier today.  My only intentions have been to try and help her out instead of just telling her to screw off.  I just didn't know the best way to give her advice on what to do, resources, etc.

I just wish that there were more people that don't let their baggage impact how they treat the person they're with.  With this woman, from my understanding (and I could be wrong), her exes (at least two of them) treated her so badly that now, she has such a negative perspective on men that we are all horrible people.  That is why it had been so long since she had dated.  She flat out told me that for years, men disgusted her.  If a man even looked her way, she would get angry for them checking her out.  With me, she said things were different, but I guess it was only a matter of time before she saw me the same way.  Just sucks when prior to the anger issues, our chemistry was amazing and I was so into her. 

 

That was a brilliant explanation @Love2Love78.  It's amazing how much information is lost when we try to explain stuff in short grabs.   However, (you knew that was coming!) the amount of red flags in all of this is extraordinary.

* a woman who is VERY afraid of getting pregnant has sex without protection and then relies on the morning after pill which has only 87% effectiveness if taken within the 72 hr window.   

* you, knowing that she's afraid of pregnancy, she's not using contraception and neither are you....agree to have sex with her.   

*further, unless you have a size which is either elephantine or tiny, have no excuse to not use a condom.  If you have an allergy to latex, use another type.  

*she, the one who's terrified of pregnancy accept that you "can't use" condoms.  Had you both been screened for STIs before going bareback?

*she, terrified of pregnancy, stalls on the IUD

*she 'screams at you' to come inside her and you comply.  Without reliable contraception or prior discussion as to what you're both comfortable with.  Honestly, the two of you have all the self control and prior planning of a couple of 16yo horny teenagers.  

* you offer to have a vasectomy for her.  Not for yourself because you've been planning it for years, but because you want to be 'considerate' of this woman, a woman who can't get her own contraception sorted out, that you've known for only a few weeks.     Meanwhile, you know so little about her that you don't know that she's open to having more babies if the time is right.

Then there's this:  With this woman, from my understanding (and I could be wrong), her exes (at least two of them) treated her so badly that now, she has such a negative perspective on men that we are all horrible people.   This is a huge red flag. HUGE!  Anybody who hates (or recently hated) all of the opposite gender is a nutcase.  Sure, we've all been burned, and yes, some of us have been abused.  But when a person has nothing positive to say about any of their exes....and then even worse, turns that hate to all others of that gender, then that person is the one with the issues.   Do not ever date a person who isn't civil or neutral about the majority of their exes.    They don't have to love them.  They don't have to be in contact, but they do have to be civil or neutral about the majority.    Make no mistake, you WILL be added to her list of men she hates, men who abused her because adding men to that list is what she does.   

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

You would be wise to work on yourself before you date again, OP.

[Gaeta]

Like attracts like. You will not attract a healthy woman until you are healthy yourself. I think you enjoy all that drama.

[SoulCat]

Quote

 

8 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

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Well, because I knew she was VERY afraid of getting pregnant.   At the time, other than just not have sex at all, our only options were either the morning after pill or pulling out (which I feel is VERY irresponsible), and eventually, she was going to get an IUD.

So, until she's got an IUD you were going to use the morning after pill? Having her throw the equivalent of a hormone-laden handgranate into her body after each time you have sex? Mate, this is also VERY irresponsible!

Quote

 It happened purely out of her choice, she initiated, and she knew our only option at that point was the morning after pill.

 Something has gone seriously awry in the sex-ed department for you both with regards to your lack of knowledge of contraception. The morning after pill was not your only option. I don't believe you've addressed the condom issue but again, if you're allergic to latex, there are latex free ones. Or maybe your 'can't do condoms' issue is really more of an 'I don't like wearing them, so I won't' issue. Either way, you most definitely had choices here too. 

 

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She also made it quite clear about 15 mins in that she wanted me to c*m in her.  Actually screamed it, so again, that was her choice, not something I just decided to do. 

She may have screamed for you to ejaculate inside her, doesn't mean you had to oblige. Again, you had a damn choice. You could have said no.

 

Quote

Anyway, while she talked about getting an IUD, she was taking a while to get one.  I wasn't sure if she was blowing it off for some reason, or was just busy with other things and kept forgetting.  Either way, I was telling her I could get a vasectomy if she would rather me have that.  She kept insisting she wanted the IUD instead, just in case we decided to have one more later on.

Why on earth are you talking about this, never mind even considering such a drastic and at the very least semi-permanent option after having dated only a few short weeks? And why leave that decision about your body, your reproductive abilities to her? Someone you've just met, and you do not know? You say you slowed things down with this lady, as you weren't talking about moving in together, but here you are, talking about vasectomies and the possibilities of having more children. At this early stage in the game, this is utter madness!

 

You seem to be laying the blame squarely at her feet. She was love-bombing, she had 'triggers', she wanted this, that and the other. You seem to forget, you have agency too. Apparently you recognised the love-bombing but you went with it anyway. You could have pumped the breaks.  You could have decided not to sleep with her until both of you had been STI tested and proper contraception was in place. You could have pulled out and not cum inside her.

You may not see it this way, but you have a massive part to play in all this dysfunction.

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by SoulCat

[BaileyB]

Both of your decisions around sex are very irresponsible. No offence, but you are not seventeen. You had sex impulsively, with basically no plan for birth control. She decided in the moment that she wanted you to end inside her - screamed it - and you said yeah!!! 

Um, no. First these are not the actions of a woman who is afraid of sex because she does not want to get pregnant. And, you have multiple children with multiple women - you should know how this works by now. 

basil is right on, and you would be wise to follow her advice. There are better decisions you can make for yourself. You really do need to develop more self control. 

[Versacehottie]

Have you ever wondered if your "baggage" is due to your approach (which remains fairly consistent) rather than the actual events that have happened to you?  I would venture to say it is.  You say these all the things above in very long posts but if you boil it down to just the basics, it's the same approach virtually every time, with you as the common denominator.

You accuse all these women of love bombing and after the relationships go belly up, you call them narcissists, abusive, etc--every single one of them.  If a woman was newly dating a guy and he spoke about his ex(es) in this manner, it doesn't take much to put 2+2 together and deduce he is part of the problem and she is getting a skewed story. 

A) You need to take responsibility for your part in these toxic relationships--NO WAY is it all on these women (i can tell just by reading your posts).

B) Maybe stay out of their "business" a bit!!! I mean you've been dating all of 2-3 weeks, have  broken up several times within that span with both women, have put back alley psychology diagnosis's and lingo onto them and their issues with a messy house of your own, and go deep into all that stuff, as well as meddle in their birth control choices. It's all too much.  Why in the world you are going into deep and ugly places with these women in discussion--wherein you drag out some of their deepest thoughts and then TURN IT on them within days is the definition of toxic--perpetuated by YOU.  First of all, you shouldn't be "going there" in this timespan. Second of all you flip it on them.  I get the feeling that you beg these women to open up and then you slap these labels on all their "stuff" which has more to do with you working through YOUR stuff. If some guy told me not yet 2 weeks into dating that I had "triggers" and took the liberty to meddle in my life as you have with these women, OMG,

C) I cannot believe you are subject your children in any way to the highs/lows and back/forths of your rollercoaster ride.  And before you go into a huge song and dance that they haven't met the latest one (may or may not have, I don't believe you said), I 'm specifically talking about your personal stability at a basic minimum, not only facts of whether or not you've introduced them to these short term and volatile relationships.

D) So did I understand this correctly: that one of the texts that set off the current woman was your text to your ex that is the mother of one of the kids--who you disparage in the post above in general---yet you are divulging the day-in-day out of new current girlfriend with her on a breakup that is possibly an overreaction and the door is somewhat still open to that woman, ie the most recent one?  What a hot mess!  This is the definition of a lack of boundaries, you being the common denominator for the drama, lack of impulse control and poor judgement and creation of a toxic, drama-filled environment.  You need a new therapist. Case closed.

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by Versacehottie

[mortensorchid]

Her triggers really have nothing to do with you, they have to do with her and her past.  Chances are if you replace yourself with some other guy, she will act the same way with them.  She needs to address these things with a therapist in order to prevent her from doing them repeatedly as well as hurting others in her path.  As for you?  Well, you can try to help her if you feel that she needs help, but that has to come from within her and no amount of help from an outside force can / will change that.  So that's your answer.  

 

[Love2Love78]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You would be wise to work on yourself before you date again, OP.

I'd like to know what specifically?  Constantly working on myself, so curious what specifically you feel I need to work on before dating?  I'm always welcome to constructive criticism and know I am a work in progress.

I know a lot of the criticism is I let things move too fast.  However, I cited that this hasn't always been the case, and additionally cited an example of how I ruined things in the past for moving too slow actually.  There are now two women that I let things move too fast with in the last 4.5yrs.  The last four prior to that, I didn't.  Nothing worked out any better with the ones I went slower with, nor did I get hurt any less.  I get people's rationale behind going slow, but the more people suggested it, the more I thought about past experiences, and the more I realized I still get hurt either way.

I fall in love fast.  I am in my mid 40s.  No matter fast or slow I go, I fall faster than most people.  I have tried having more hobbies, tried focusing more on my kids, tried intentionally talking to the person less, spent more time with social circles/friends, etc.  That doesn't change it for me.  It's who I am.  I am a very loving person.  I love all my friends as well.  I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.  If I see an animal abandoned on a street, I'm the type who can't just drive by, as if I do, I will feel bad for doing nothing for at least the next several hours, if not the rest of that day.

Trust me, I wish I could be less caring, loving, etc.  Nothing I do makes me care less about people.  I look for the best in people.  I try to believe that people are generally good, or at least want to be.  I have absolutely no idea why I attract all the wrong women.  I've talked to two different psychologists about it.  Both told me the same thing - that at my age and this area, that's just how it is.  The one I have been seeing the longest (1.5yrs now) and still currently talk to once a month is single as well, and assures me she deals with the same thing.  She just picks up on the red flags faster and walks away sooner than I do.  But, she also doesn't have the baggage I do either, let alone that she is a paid professional with her doctoral in psychology, lol.

As far as the criticisms regarding the sex with this woman, I'm at a complete loss as to how people are so detached emotionally or have such little sex drive that they can just be like "oh, well let's just wait a couple months until we can get some kind of contraceptive that works."  She hadn't had sex in years.  She hadn't had an orgasm in at least six years.  Our options were limited.  Glad most of you seem able to just not care about sex at all, but I have a very high sex drive.  Between how much I liked this woman, how bad she wanted me, and make out sessions that were amazing, yea, we had sex.  No one is going to make me feel guilty for wanting her, and the choice was a mutual decision between both of us.  

And people were like "oh, just use other condoms."  I have had reactions to both latex and non-latex.  It's weird, two years ago, I had a reaction to a sulfa drug.  Shortly after, I had a reaction to a condom.  Wasn't sure if the two were related.  My doctor wasn't sure either.  But ever since, after I use a condom, I break out in a rash.  No condoms seem to be an option for me.

Another thing, someone above mentioned that I shouldn't choose to get a vasectomy for her and that was crazy.  That was an incorrect assumption.  I actually  had the website for the vasectomy on my computer for years.  Because of my issues with condoms, I had considered getting a vasectomy for years.  Never followed through because with past exes in the last 4.5yrs, all had their tubes tied but one, and with her, spermicide (contraceptive foam) was fine.  So, it was something I had already considered, as I have three children and in my 40s certainly don't want more, and the cost is reasonable.  So, I was doing it not just for her, but for me too.  Besides, I thought it to be the more considerate thing - instead of her having to get the IUD, I would take time out of my schedule to get the vasectomy instead.  Again, it was both something for myself and a consideration for her.

Been crazy busy today, and know there's lots of other things I haven't covered here yet, but I will touch on this again later.  Had a very interesting update today anyway, but I will save that for my next post.  Pop some popcorn, because you'll probably want it for this sh*tstorm I'm about to fill you in on next..

[BaileyB]

Yes, it is possible to wait until she can get some birth control. It doesn’t take months. She can have sex 24 hours after she gets an IUD. Many of us have been there and done exactly that. And no, it’s not that we don’t want to have sex. But, it is possible - if you use your big head, not your little head to make decisions. 

This is EXACTLY how you end up with another child, and another baby mama. And in this case, you’ve known the woman a matter of weeks. Keep this up and you will be tied to this woman for the next 18 years, this woman who you have known for a matter of weeks. 

You would be very wise to get a vasectomy, particularly because you have other children and you are in your forties. If you are going to make impulsive and irresponsible decisions like this, it will at the very least prevent an unintended pregnancy. 

Edited April 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Ami1uwant]

On 3/31/2021 at 12:10 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Don't date people with "triggers". It's simply a warning to you that you'll have to walk on eggs because they're not dealing with their problems,so you get stuck with it.

In general dating people you have to or try to fix is unhealthy for everyone.

The fixer tends to be controlling and projecting their own issues and whoever they're trying to fix, just resents it.

 

what if it makes her wantsex?

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

I know a lot of the criticism is I let things move too fast......and additionally cited an example of how I ruined things in the past for moving too slow 

Why do you have to go from one extreme to another? About trying the good old middle! No one told you to remain at 2 dates a week for 3 months.

[Gaeta]

45 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

She hadn't had sex in years.  She hadn't had an orgasm in at least six years.

You had known this woman for a few days only. How can you trust what she's saying? And here she is jumping in bed with you, with no protection, a man she's known for a few days and you think she never did that before?? 

You're in your 40s, not a 16 year old boy who's invaded with sexual urges he's just discovering. Your frontal lobe is fully developed unlike a 16 year old. 

You don't fall in love fast, you fall in lust. LOVE is when you're ready to donate a kidney for that woman. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said:

She hadn't had sex in years.  She hadn't had an orgasm in at least six years.

 

21 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

she had not had sex in at least three years, and she (for some odd reason) cannot make herself orgasm unless there is another person involved, either oral or penetration.  Yes, I thought it was odd, but that is what she told me.  With how bad she wanted me, seemed like it could've been the case,

I hate to say it, but I don’t believe any of this. Most women can bring themselves to orgasm. Far fewer women have an orgasm during sex. Certainly not without manual stimulation. I think she is leading you on, and you are loving every minute of it...

Edited April 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

@Love2Love78:  Have you heard of Immediate gratification.

More you seek immediate gratification less you are capable of practicing delayed gratification. It's what we're seeing here, repeating. You meet women, you call it love after 2 weeks, you can't wait for anything. Everything has to be right here & right now no matter the cost. Immediate gratification means difficulty managing uncertainty, difficulty projecting yourself in the future so everything has to be now, impulsive personality, amplified by depression/emotional distress, mood regulator out of wack, cannot enjoy anticipation......some of that ring a bell?

Like someone previously said, you need a new therapist, a good one. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

I know a lot of the criticism is I let things move too fast.  However, I cited that this hasn't always been the case, and additionally cited an example of how I ruined things in the past for moving too slow actually. 

It doens't matter if you haven't always been this way. It's happening now and it clearly is not working for you. 

You appear to lack boundaries with these women and your recent relationshops, and operate on extremes, it seems. There is a lot of happy middle ground between diving in head-first with a stranger, and moving too slowly. You seem to struggle to even recognize that. You aslo are not really in any place to be identifying someone else's problems and suggesting solutions for them when your own house of cards is a mess. 

The way you describe both of these whirlwinds makes them sound like teenage romances. Not the stuff of stable, long-term prospects. 

[ShyViolet]

You keep saying over and over "I haven't always been like this!".  Can you give that a rest, please?  Because it really has no bearing on the current situation.  This is what has been happening now, and in recent times, and that's all that's really relevant.

The examples you gave of where you took it super slow in the past, and that didn't work for you, are not somehow evidence that what you've been doing in these past two relationships is ok.  It's not either one extreme or the other.

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you have to go from one extreme to another? About trying the good old middle! No one told you to remain at 2 dates a week for 3 months.

Agreed. Also why are you assuming you ruined things from going "too slow"?  Maybe you just ruined things, period.  

Or maybe things weren't meant to work out, period.

You need to stop trying to force an emotional intimacy in whichever time period.  It's not something that can be forced. Much like how your other thread started out, it feels like you feel super anxious and insecure if you aren't getting the reassurance upfront so you push things faster than is comfortable or advisable to get the reassurance but it's not healthy nor based on a good/real foundation IMO.  It will burn out as fast as it got there because it's not based on a truly tangible foundation. 

[Versacehottie]

33 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You keep saying over and over "I haven't always been like this!".  Can you give that a rest, please?  Because it really has no bearing on the current situation.  This is what has been happening now, and in recent times, and that's all that's really relevant.

The examples you gave of where you took it super slow in the past, and that didn't work for you, are not somehow evidence that what you've been doing in these past two relationships is ok.  It's not either one extreme or the other.

100%! Glad you said this! I was going to say the same thing!  First of all, you ARE being like this right now in the relationship we are discussing.  And if people are counting,  the one just previous to that.

And TBH if people were reading the long posts where the other relationships were embedded, it sure seems like they were similar to this, just saying. Not to mention you post here under different screen names because you try to hide stuff that is "embarrassing" such as specifically the time frames in which you fall into these relationships. 

I think you are deriving some real ego boost from whatever the current one is telling you as you guys are hooking up.  Um, she is probably just rolling with whatever you need to hear to make you feel like the "man". Like caught up in it and the intensity of the whole quick relationship.  There isn't much else so she would kind of make it seem like this is a whirlwind romance fulfilling both of your fantasies.  I also think you are exaggerating to take yourself on the highs and lows that you need to feel like this is amazing and emotional.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/30/2021 at 11:36 PM, Love2Love78 said:

 I have run into another person with triggers from a previous relationship.

When I first misread your title, I thought it said "tiggers".  Interesting my advice turns out to be the same:  This is just too strange and you should just bow out .