Love2Love78 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 So, I need advice from all of you yet again. I have run into another person with triggers from a previous relationship. I came to the painful realization today that I can't help her while being in a relationship with her, but she seems to have a good heart, and wanted to do what I could to help her. Here's the situation... Her last serious relationship was seven years ago. Ex-husband. He cheated, lied, manipulated, etc. She has tons of triggers, but since she has not dated in years now (no serious relationship in at least 5-6yrs), I am taking the brunt of it. Since she had no basis of comparison with dating experiences that became serious, I kept being made out to be the bad guy. She didn't have the dating experience yet to realize anyone she gets serious with, she is going to continue to have those triggers. The first one started about a discussion regarding birth control. She took the morning after pill, as it had been a long time since she had sex with anyone and it was our only option at the time (she can't do spermicide, I can't do condoms). While talking about our options, she got VERY angry with me about the topic. Accused me of trying to push what I wanted and not respect her. Meanwhile, I bought the morning after pill (actually bought four to be safe) for her, and kept asking her what she would be comfortable with. But, because of my "tone," she took something I said the wrong way. Then, she started saying "you're just like my ex." I didn't realize it was a trigger at the time. I was actually just extremely shocked, as I never saw her angry like that before. After she calmed down, she realized my actions have shown her nothing but me being considerate of her feelings about the matter and that she over-reacted. She later apologized, acknowledged that my actions had shown I was very considerate of anything and everything about her, and it was dropped. Not too long after that, the next problem happened. Honestly, I don't even remember exactly what that one was about, as it was something where she again took something I said the wrong way. The problem at that point was that it was texting, and she took it out of context and made assumptions that my intentions were different than they were. After she calmed down, she again acknowledged that she over-reacted, never gave me a chance to explain, and we attempted to fix the issue. We agreed that if something upsets her, she will call me so we can talk so things don't get taken out of context. She also said she would stop threatening the relationship (kept breaking up). Yesterday, we were texting back and forth and it happened again. This time, it was over her assuming I was being snide and trying to argue with her. Her parents are in town and staying with her for a couple weeks, so things are hectic. She messaged me yesterday and told me that since I was working, then working out after, and that by the time I would get to her place, it would be real late and keep her son up, it would be better for me to not come that night. I told her we were going to have the same problem Tues and Thurs night, since I would be working out those two evenings as well, and left it as "just let me know when you want to see me then." After that, a few other things about when we would see each other, and she got angry. This time, it was because she thought I was making snide remarks and "whining" about the matter. Meanwhile, when she cancelled Mon night, I went with it and simply let her know that Tues and Thurs would be similar problems. She was supposed to come over to my place today (Tues) anyway, but she also got mad at me because I asked if she was still going to come over. After she cancelled Mon night, naturally I wanted to make sure that she didn't feel she needed to cancel Tues night too. She got mad over me asking about that too. Oh, and what made me VERY wary and dreading an argument was going to happen was when she cancelled for last night, she ended it with "I don't want to argue." I feel like she expected an argument, and when it didn't happen, she made one out of nothing for no reason. I did try to call her and talk on the phone per our prior agreement to work on things, but she couldn't talk on the phone because of work. She ended things with us, deleted her FB, and blocked my number. Clearly, things seemed to be over. Later that night (again, yesterday), we finally talked. She apparently unblocked me, and she was calm enough to talk on the phone (yet still angry with me, about 5hrs or so after I think). I had to explain what my actual intentions were behind the texts (that I was simply trying to be considerate of her being busy with family in town), remind her that actions speak louder than words and that my actions have never shown me to be someone to pick fights or whine, and eventually, as I covered exactly what my intentions were through the texts and she saw my explanation was consistent with every single text, she realized that it was again her over-reacting to something because of misinterpreting what was said. So, things ended a little better last night, and she said she was going to still come over today. Today, she comes over to my house early in the afternoon. I still had about five hours of work, but she came over anyway just to be with me. She was being so sweet, and talking about our future again. I told her I was still damaged from yesterday, and that I had little confidence left in her not doing the same thing again. She assured me (as she had the other times) that it wouldn't happen again, that she was sorry, and that things would be fine from there on out. It all seemed much better. After work, we left my place to go grab a bite to eat downtown. On the way, my ex reached out to me (one I have children with, so we obviously talk). She asked something like what I was up to. I told her going out to dinner with Amber. She replied "I thought you two broke up?" I was using my phone for GPS, and as soon as she saw that text, she was furious. She was angry that I told my ex her and I broke up, as if she wasn't already aware because of her deleting her FB (which made all traces of her on my page disappear). Pretty sure my ex was the one who asked me after the FB change, but regardless, the more recent ex was furious I told some people she broke up with me? I don't even get that. She said "you said you don't tell people your relationship issues. You lied!" Well yea, if it's a "relationship issue," I don't. This was a breakup, and one that really devastated me. Naturally, I needed to talk to a couple people. The only ones I confided in were my best friend and a woman who is just a friend (we never dated, only friends). She then grabs my phone to look at all my text messages to see what I told people. Naturally, I was very nervous about what she was going to pick a fight over (as far as what I said after she ended things with us), so at first, I didn't want her taking my phone and resisted. That set her off even more, as there was an ex in the past who hesitated like that, and she found out he was cheating. However, when she went through my phone, she saw absolutely no flirting with anyone. Just messages to other people, two of which I confided about the breakup with. She criticized me for talking to other women who were merely friends. One is moving back here soon, so I was asking her how the plans for the move were going. The other one was a brief hi, but because it was a woman, she was furious. Criticized me for talking to women, that now, I can't be trusted, etc. Her biggest issues seemed to be my hesitation in letting her take my phone (because grabbing someone's phone and going through it is supposed to be ok???) and her comparing my reaction to her ex's reaction, and then telling people that her and I broke up (because to her, that was telling others our personal business, as if people aren't going to wonder where she is since we broke up). All rationale went out the window with her, and it went from a nice evening of dinner out, to her disappearing, taking a cab to my place, grabbing her car, and leaving. The whole time, her accusing me of being a liar, that I can't be trusted, etc. She wouldn't answer when I tried to call, told me it was 100% over this time, etc. Between her actions this evening, her ending things again, and the fact that I don't deserve heartbreak like this because of her triggers, I don't see this ever happening again between us. With that said, I know she has been hurt deeply because she is a good-hearted person. She *wants* love, but seems she is so afraid of getting hurt again, she inadvertently sabotaged us. I would like to try to help her so this doesn't happen in future relationships for her, but I don't know the best suggestions? I suggested counseling to her (I know a place that provides free trauma therapy, which I have no doubt she would qualify for), but I don't know if she will do it. I suggested a book on relationships/marriage (Fighting for Your Marriage), but I gave that to her a while ago and she never read it yet. I even offered to do couple's counseling with her previously, but she refused. Also sent her a link to a website that explained triggers, but that didn't seem to help. Not sure what else might be a good idea to throw her way? Any suggestions? Also, for future reference, if I do end up meeting someone like that again in the future with triggers, what are the best way to handle them? I mean I know nobody is perfect, so I hate to just walk away for someone not being flawless. At the same time, it seemed no matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter how much I pleaded with her to see reasoning, it just wouldn't happen while she was angry. I can't seem to find much online beyond collaborations between both people, but I mean if something like that happens, what is the best way to handle it initially before you have that opportunity?
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Don't date people with "triggers". It's simply a warning to you that you'll have to walk on eggs because they're not dealing with their problems,so you get stuck with it. In general dating people you have to or try to fix is unhealthy for everyone. The fixer tends to be controlling and projecting their own issues and whoever they're trying to fix, just resents it. 4
basil67 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Is this the same woman as the one who you recently wrote about who broke up because you were going faster than she wants? Or a different woman? Honestly, I'm torn in how to give advice on this. I'm concerned about your description of her triggers and behaviours as being things she's done wrong/her dysfunction, while not shouldering any blame that you may have contributed to some of the issues. Yes, of course, there are times when an issue is entirely the fault of the other and I'm sure this has happened in some of the disputes you've had, but it's rare that they are ALL the fault of the other. The lack of ownership of your own contribution to this - even something as simple as realising you could have worded something more clearly - makes me feel that at best, you could do with a bit of introspection on your own choices..... or at worst, there could be a degree of gaslighting coming from you. Who originally used the term 'triggers' to describe her behaviour? Was it you or her? 4
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Don't date people with "triggers". It's simply a warning to you that you'll have to walk on eggs because they're not dealing with their problems,so you get stuck with it. In general dating people you have to or try to fix is unhealthy for everyone. The fixer tends to be controlling and projecting their own issues and whoever they're trying to fix, just resents it. Yea, I was accused of being "controlling" the evening of our final breakup, hence why I knew I needed to walk away from it. Just wasn't sure if there is any way at all to handle it in the future. Seems best is just walk away then. Thanks. 1 1
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 19 minutes ago, basil67 said: Is this the same woman as the one who you recently wrote about who broke up because you were going faster than she wants? Or a different woman? Honestly, I'm torn in how to give advice on this. I'm concerned about your description of her triggers and behaviours as being things she's done wrong/her dysfunction, while not shouldering any blame that you may have contributed to some of the issues. Yes, of course, there are times when an issue is entirely the fault of the other and I'm sure this has happened in some of the disputes you've had, but it's rare that they are ALL the fault of the other. The lack of ownership of your own contribution to this - even something as simple as realising you could have worded something more clearly - makes me feel that at best, you could do with a bit of introspection on your own choices..... or at worst, there could be a degree of gaslighting coming from you. Who originally used the term 'triggers' to describe her behaviour? Was it you or her? No, completely different woman, hence "I have run into another person with triggers." I get your concern, but I already acknowledged what I could have done better. In the texts, am working all day long and getting calls non-stop. I can't focus that well on texting people. On that same note though, I had two friends of mine look everything over this evening. I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything stupid and screwed up myself. Both of them said the same thing - she picked a fight when I was doing nothing but being understanding of the situation. I always try to figure out what I could have done better, and I asked both of them what I could have done better. They both said they didn't see anything wrong with what I said, so they couldn't give me any advice. And while one friend is a bit newer, the other I have known since I was 5. He doesn't sugar-coat with me and is brutally honest when I need it. Even he had nothing other than saying that she picked a fight with me when I was simply talking to her. As far as "triggers," I'm the one who recognized them. When she gets triggered, it is extreme anger, irrational thoughts, and assumptions without reasoning (won't listen to anything you say at that point). She also compares you to her exes. Everything she does is consistent with triggers. I even sent her a link to a site that described them, and she acknowledged she is aware that she has that problem. However, I am sure there is also a part of her that has doubts and still wants to blame me, hence most likely why she claimed earlier I was being "controlling." But, she was right, I am trying to control her behavior by trying to help her when she clearly doesn't want help. I think it best that I just walk away from it and let her learn on her own. I just hate walking away and doing nothing for her when other than her anger outbursts, she is sweeter and more loving than anyone I had ever been with. But, to go from that love to that anger is just not worth it. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 19 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: As far as "triggers," I'm the one who recognized them. When she gets triggered, it is extreme anger, irrational thoughts. "Trigger" is a term borrowed from legitimate PTSD symptomatology. It's become a trending term for any sort of negative reactions to just about anything. There are things you can do in the future. That is, relax and avoid drama. Make sure the rest of your life is interesting and challenging. Jumping into crazy situations is about seeking excess stimulation. Fill your mind and life with worthwhile productive and enjoyable pursuits. Keep in mind, you're not getting paid $250./hr. to be anyone's psychiatrist, so don't waste your time on this. 2 1
basil67 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 OK thanks for the clarification...so let's look at advice for the future. First thing is to recognise that you fall too quickly/enthusiastically. Look at what you said about this one "she is sweeter and more loving than anyone I had ever been with" and what you said about the previous girlfriend " I NEVER had chemistry like this with anyone. We have tons in common, same core values, can't get enough of each other, the sex is mind-blowing on both ends, and overall, in all my life, I've never had a connection even half as strong as this one". What they have in common is you quickly escalating your feelings about someone you really haven't known that long. You're getting all caught up in the new relationship excitement and failing to steady yourself. Slow it down. Dial back on hopes, dreams and expectations. Second thing is something you're starting to get your head around already: The realisation that trying to fix someone (or diagnose/label) someone who hasn't asked for your help is controlling. Nobody wants to be labelled or pointed to books or websites when they haven't gotten to the point of seeking help. And even then, I don't believe that those who aren't trained therapists should be attempting to identify behavioural issues. Rather, IF they ask for help, support them in seeing someone who's qualified to help them. And in the absence of them asking for help, the only reasonable thing you can do when faced with someone who acts in a way which is unacceptable to you is end it. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 You need to slow down, as we all suggested in your last thread. Based on the timeline of events with your previous ex, you can't have known this current woman longer than, what, a few weeks? You're completely over-invested again. And you need a set of boundaries. You are not doing a good job of filtering out poor dating candidates. When someone has this many "triggers," you walk away. You are not in a position to help her, and can't presume to know what sort of help she wants or needs anyway. You hardly know her. Stop trying to "fix" women, and recognize that you have your own issues that you need to sort out before you go around giving advce. 4
Sun Seeker Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 She definitely has issues, no doubt about that. At the same time a couple of points stood out for me. Prioritising working out over seeing your gf when time is limited, is not cool. Especially saying other days will have the same issue, instead of being a bit more flexible and prioritising seeing each other. Also your ex has no business asking what you are up to and questioning whether you broke up or not with your current gf. That's crossing a boundary. 1
IrinaM Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 ^^^agree with @Punterxxabout both the points he made. Also, something about the way you talk about her "triggers" seems to be aimed at invalidating her dissatisfaction with you. Your attempts to "treat her issues" with links and articles just seem kinda blame-shifty and gaslight-y. It's pretty clear she has problems with YOU in the PRESENT, not her exes from the past. I can read between the lines well enough to guess at what her side of the whole Monday-Tuesday-Thursday-gym-son-parents-cancelling fiasco was, and I also think she's was right to be mad that you've got your baby's mom in her personal business. And for sure we are not getting the whole story behind the morning after pill argument. It just seems to me from your posting history there are some clear patterns in your personal life. 3
Atwood Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 As someone who experiences "triggers" from previous relationships, it's not your responsibility to fix them. Yes, it's something that partners will deal with together as a team but usually your role as a partner is just to be supportive and understanding whilst they do the heavy-lifting in therapy. I have stumbles from time to time, but experiencing PTSD or abuse triggers is not a valid reason to be hostile and controlling towards others. Your partner needs to get into therapy and start doing some serious self-reflective work and you need to gently put some boundaries in place. Put a passcode on your phone and do not tell her - it is wrong for her to invade your privacy like that. She will find this extremely triggering and probably think it's because you're cheating, been there felt that, but the way she treats you is what is important. At the moment, your relationship seems dysfunctional at best, manipulative and abusive at worst. To reiterate: fixing someone's trauma is not your job, I would take a step back and give them the space to work on it themselves. 1
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: Ex-husband. He cheated, lied, manipulated, etc. She has tons of triggers. I am taking the brunt of it. I kept being made out to be the bad guy. So here you are, jumping into another serious and sexual relationship just two weeks? after the last one ended... I see a pattern here. Save yourself a world of trouble, this is your cue to exit stage left. If you want a healthy and stable relationship, you need to start by choosing a healthy relationship partner. Edited March 31, 2021 by BaileyB 4
ShyViolet Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 You need to stop playing therapist. You cannot "help" her with her problems. That's not your responsibility. When a person is this difficult to get along with, you walk away. Period, end of story. It is not your place to try and help them with their issues. You and her have already broken up, so leave it at that. 2
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Is this the new lady you were suppose to date ** slowly ** and get to really know her before jumping in? The first 3 months should be like going to heaven ! There should not be any losing patience, triggers, accusations, anything of that sort. If there are then you end it and move on to someone with a healthier disposition. Of course we're all humans and none of us are perfect but we're not talking normal flaws here, we're talking highly dysfunctional woman who can only poor toxicity in her relationships. It's not up to you to fix her. She needs to figure herself out on her own. 1
ShyViolet Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 OP, are you going to therapy? Because it seems, between your last thread and now this one, that you still have some tendencies towards very poor decision-making in relationships. You need to work on your own issues before dating again. You only dated this woman a very short time before she started exhibiting some very difficult and toxic behavior, and instead of walking away, you thought it was your place to try and "fix" her. Not an appropriate reaction. 3
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: When a person is this difficult to get along with, you walk away. Period, end of story. It is not your place to try and help them with their issues. Especially when it’s only been two weeks... at this stage in the relationship, most people are still going out to dinner and to the movies. Nobody should be particularly invested in the relationship - when you see red flags, walk away! Quote between your last thread and now this one, that you still have some tendencies towards very poor decision-making in relationships. It seems like you attract women who bring a ton of relationship baggage and drama to the relationship. Where do you find these women who have been in abusive relationships and are dealing with all this drama - past and present! Edited March 31, 2021 by BaileyB 2
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) On a side note. I'd like to warn you about having unprotected sex with women you've known shortly and obviously had no time to get STD tested. You are smarter than that. There was no need to jump into bed under these circumstances, if you took a little longer before being intimate it may help you keep a cold head and make better decisions. People lie about their sexual health, and about when was the last time they had sex. You've put your safety into the hands of a stranger. Edited March 31, 2021 by Gaeta 4
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) I don't think it's triggers...that's a symptom. I believe they have mental heath issues that are not being addressed. Insecurity, anger issues, paranoia=anxiety, depression, bi-polar, PTSD, etc. Most people don't get or develop behavior problems because they had a bad relationship. It's already there. Your picker is off. Stop finding these women. There must be something that attracts you, like their vulnerability...figure that out, and stop it. read up on White Knight syndrome. Edited March 31, 2021 by smackie9 2 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 It sounds to me like she has excess emotional baggage. For a person to be a good catch, they need to be sane. 3
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Wow, just wow. it's been what...two weeks??? And you are in another "relationship" already that's this intense. Don't you see that the common denominator is you/your pace/the intensity? Perhaps there wouldn't be all these miscommunications, worries about triggers and all that if you actually KNEW each other better and had a much better foundation for a real relationship. Have no idea in the world why you need to push it so fast--but also perhaps you should wonder that the type of women who are accepting of things moving so fast are going to be similar in SOME way. It all seems very dramatic and intense (not in a good way). From both sides. I have to re-read the part about your ex. Idk, grabbing the phone and looking at your texts etc--why is this even happening in a 2-3 week dating period at all??? Like many of us told you on your last thread where you said you are not rushing into relationships and then the evidence played out over a year time frame of you recounting your relationships and idk IMO you are doing EXACTLY that. It's not healthy--it feels super co-dependent and like you are addicted to the high of the highs&lows and the new relationship rush. all I can say if you can't operate any other way (which it appears as if it's difficult for you to do) is that you are just getting to a 8month mark at 3 weeks so there's that and perhaps you just have to look at it as a "benefit" of moving so fast. I can't think of any others really. Other than you don't waste much time, getting to a NO with these women. But it's like which is the real cause? Are you getting to a NO because you are in that deep and it existed regardless OR more likely that you are getting to NO because you are moving it along too fast? All the stuff about triggers and her past trauma--just means that she wasn't ready for a relationship and it's not healthy--probably same could be said about you. Idk, it's all too heavy. Who likes this sh*t? Each of you need a therapist not a relationship. Sorry to be harsh but hopefully it's a wake up call. When I read stuff like this it makes me uneasy (it's embarrassing--do you really want to be THIS guy?). ok, good luck 3 1
Miss Peach Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I have NEVER done half the stuff you mention in a relationship or dating period. When dating I look for people with a small amount of baggage - a carryon or a backpack. This girl sounds like she has an airport's worth. You are totally right. You won't be able to fix this in the relationship. This is something she needs to deal with. Since time doesn't seem to be working I would suggest she see someone, read/do some self-help exercises, etc. Something. She needs to get past the point where she can see you're not her ex. I was talking to a male about half the stuff I've been through (i.e., assaults, multiple stalkers, etc.) and he was shocked I can still be around men at all. I have managed it and try to still judge individual people based on my interactions with them; not on what some other person did to me one time. She needs to get there too in order to have a healthy relationship. I find it's also helpful to get to the point where you know your comfort levels and can negotiate them. For example with me I really like very radical honest and transparency so I mention this early on and practice it. I will not grab your phone or ask for passwords but I want to hear about the barista who flirts with you. I won't be jealous about it as long as you didn't pursue it. Being self aware really helps establish these patterns early and test for fit. The times I have taken these people on it's never gotten any better. I used to think when I was younger I could prove I was different. it doesn't work. 1
Crazelnut Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Agree with everything others have said about NOT jumping in too fast and simply NOT dating someone with SO MANY issues. But I also need to say ... WTH are you doing having unprotected sex with someone you barely know?!?! And using the morning after pill as birth control?!?! You've made some pretty bad decisions here, my friend. 3
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I guess I would not presume that what OP says about his partner is 100% true. It's filtered through his lens of experience so is not unbiased. For the previous women he was in love with he went from saying she was an angel from heaven (or something along those lines) to some pretty horrible beliefs about her in the span of days. Pretty much because the relationship didn't work out--that woman didn't DO anything wrong to him after they broke up other than make a failed bid to get back with him. And now she is the devil (exaggerating for effect). The point is that sometimes you need to consider the source. Which I'm absolutely doing in the telling of these tales.
SoulCat Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 The morning after pill is a form of emergency birth control, not something you should just use on the regular because 'you can't do condoms and she can't do spermicide' . It delivers an unholy hormonal blow to a woman's system that can have some pretty uncomfortable side effects. It's pretty darn selfish of you to expect her to take this when you're not taking any of your own precaustions. If you can't use condoms due to a latex allergy, find latex free condoms. Going by your current and prior usernames, and your previous threads you have a woman-shaped hole in your life, and a woman - any woman- will do to fill that void. You meet someone new, dive in head first, not paying any attention to the amount of red flags flapping furiously around you, everywhere you look. You proclaim the lady-du-jour to be the sweetest, the best, the most unique, the one you have a connection with like no other before, ever. You are giddy with the excitement of it all, making decisions that are imulsive at best and downright bad at worst. And lo and behold, before long, the whole castle in the sky comes crashing down and you are, once again in the depths of dispair over yet another break-up. As others have pointed out, you seem to thrive on the high drama stakes of early infatuation. Your approach to relationships is unhealthy, and unsustainable if you want a solid, lasting relationship without all that drama, the arguments and the frequent break-ups and make-ups. I vaguely recall that you are already seeing a therapist. I also recall you were somewhat economical with the truth here on this forum, so I hope you are completely open and honest with your therapist about what is happening. They cannot help you properly either if you skew the facts. Personally, I think you ought to take a nice long break from dating and relationships, get yourself on an even keel and figure out why you keep getting yourself into these situations. Good luck. 6
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