lp0817 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 So I've been seeing this girl for only 2 weeks now,, shes 26 im 29... we've met, spoken on the phone/facetimed almost every night for hours... we never run out of anything to speak about and we always joke with eachother and laugh. It's weird as we have a lot in common, share the same values and outlooks on life and we seem to be getting on really well. So we facetimed tonight for a while which was great, then at the end her mom walks in and tells her that her aunt who had cancer and was terminally ill died. Her aunty lives in Sweden and we are in the UK.. but they were quite close. I gave her my condolences etc and told her if theres anything she needs just to let me know or if she wants to meet or chat to take her mind off things then Ill be there for her. She was crying over facetime and i just tried to calm her down and we spoke.. she then went off.. 15 minutes later she messages me to say 'I think we should just leave it with everything thats just happened as its all too much, youre a great guy but honestly its nothing to do with you so please dont take it the wrong way' I replied by saying I understand and respect that so will give you space, but honestly if you want to talk just let me know. She then said i honestly swear its nothing to do with you at all, i just dont want to be talking and all depressed because thats not fair on you. I then said i know exactly what youre going through and it does help to talk to people, so please dont worry about being a burden on me..if i can make you feel just a bit better through a tough time like this then im happy. She then replied by saying thank you so much for being understanding about all this, i really appreciate it. I then said its fine, let me know how you are and then the conversation ended. So how do i now proceed? weve been in a routine of talking often and it was nice, we both clicked. I totally understand the situation as she has a close family and when dating someone new i get that it can maybe get on top of you. So I dont have any kind of bad feeling towards her, i just hope she reaches out because i like her.. if she doesnt reach out by Monday should I just message her saying ive been thinking of you, hope youre ok... also its her birthday next friday so obviously ill wish her a happy birthday.. but how can this go somewhere now after something like this?? like.. do i just leave it? or reach out to her at a certain stage because shes said its totally not me.. its just the situation.
dramafreezone Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) It's not up to you at this point. Just give her some space, whether that's a month, 6 months, or a year. There's nothing you can do to make anything better or make it happen. You don't need to tell her you're thinking about her or anything like that. Just live your life. She may like you, but not enough to nurture a relationship wth this fresh trauma in her life. So allow her to heal, leave her be. You've let her know that she can talk to you if she needs to, so you have to stick by that. Let her contact you if she feels like it. Edited March 31, 2021 by dramafreezone
Keridan Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I respect the last response but disagree with one point. It's totally okay to show her support and remind her you are there and caring. Give her a chance to breathe And figure things out and keep messages to a minimum, but let her know you care too. You can't fix her problems or save her, but you can let her know you care and offer support 1
spiderowl Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I am sorry to hear what happened. She is right, this sounds like nothing to do with you. She is shocked and will be grieving. As someone going through this myself, it is hard to know what to say to anyone and you don't want to make them sad too. It is good to message her every so often to say you are there and will chat when and if she feels like it. Just check in every so often. People often don't know what to say. The only thing I would add is, if you do end up chatting again, don't try to joke around and 'cheer her up'. It can feel really inappropriate when going through all the feelings after a death. Emotions can be so mixed - sadness, trauma, regret, guilt - all sorts, and someone joking and trying to keep the subject on happy things can just feel inappropriate. I think giving her time and space and checking in every so often is the thing to do now.
dramafreezone Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Keridan said: I respect the last response but disagree with one point. It's totally okay to show her support and remind her you are there and caring. Give her a chance to breathe And figure things out and keep messages to a minimum, but let her know you care too. You can't fix her problems or save her, but you can let her know you care and offer support Well, he's shown her support. What more can he do? Message her every week? At a point it'll seem less like support and more like a creepy guy. I think the OP is fearful that she'll forget about him if he doesn't stay in touch. She won't, he's said she can call him anytime to talk, I think he has to leave it at that, and respect that she needs time to work through this by herself. Keep in mind he's only known her for a couple of weeks. Edited March 31, 2021 by dramafreezone
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 lp0817, if you know her address I'd definitely send her a sympathy card. Find a really nice one. If you don't know her address then do check in from time-to-time to tell her you're thinking of her. If you're a person who prays, pray for her each day. I have found that if I put a person on my daily prayer list they're more responsive to me when we interact. If you are a person who prays, and she is, too, then let her know you're praying for her. 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 2 hours ago, lp0817 said: I think we should just leave it with everything thats just happened as its all too much, Sorry this happened. Just give her space. You've only known her 14 days. It was too much too soon. That in itself is a red flag. Did she recently breakup with someone? Often in these scenarios, people from the past get in touch. She may want to be with friends, family and familiar people right now. Don't check in. Just send birthday wishes. Step back. Avoid suffocating anyone.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 4 hours ago, lp0817 said: if she doesnt reach out by Monday should I just message her saying ive been thinking of you, hope youre ok... also its her birthday next friday so obviously ill wish her a happy birthday.. but how can this go somewhere now after something like this?? like.. do i just leave it? or reach out to her at a certain stage because shes said its totally not me.. its just the situation. I would leave it until her birthday. You could send her a birthday greeting, and see how she's doing. Leave the rest to her. Anything more could be intrusive at a time when she clearly wants to be alone. 1
Sun Seeker Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Agreed. Don't contact her again until her birthday. She has told you she wants to leave it. If she wants to contact you, she has your number. 1 1
Author lp0817 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 Yeah I will contact her at some point because I want her to know im thinking of her... i dont want her to feel like I dont care.. think i will leave it for a week until her birthday and just message her saying happy birthday, hope you have a great day.. ive been thinking of you this past week so i hope youre feeling somewhat better. xx Something along those lines, I disagree with that person saying it was too much too soon.. it wasnt, it didnt feel like that for either of us.. it was easy and felt like we didnt have to try. Maybe there is a bit of fear that yeah she will forget about me and not talk for a long time.. she is someone who wants the right person and wants to be 100% sure and likes to know fully before going into something which i respect. But yeah, i think popping up from time to time may be the right thing to do. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 It was too much too soon. Speaking to a new person daily is a problem. It's too much of a good thing & relationships that start like that tend to burn out quickly. You need to grow into daily contact over time . . . like months. As for the death in her family you send the sympathy card now. Then you send the birthday card to arrive next Friday. By send & card I mean use the postal service & send a tangible card that you bought in a shop. Do not text or use another means of electronic / video communication. She may still be too freaked out by her aunt's passing to be in a relationship so all you can do is leave her alone. Next relationship, limit the communication to 2-3x per week and build to daily over the course of at least 6 months. 2
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) it's just bad timing....sucks. I agree you should just wait for her to reach out. She's in shock....she has her family to grieve with and find comfort. Give it a couple of weeks to a month. Edited March 31, 2021 by smackie9 1
Author lp0817 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 I dont have her address so a message will have to do.. she texted me this morning to say thank you and that she thinks she was just in shock last night.. I told her i understood and that it was fine.. she said she appreciates that and then asked how my day has been... so im not kinda sure how to go along with this kinda stuff. I dont want to put more stress on here when going through something like this..
Author lp0817 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: it's just bad timing....sucks. I agree you should just wait for her to reach out. She's in shock....she has her family to grieve with and find comfort. Give it a couple of weeks to a month. yeah the timing doesnt help.. i agree
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Ask her for her address in your reply to her message so you can send a condolence card. If she balks, explain sending a condolence card is how you were raised. She should be OK with revealing it. If she's not, this is pretty hopeless. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Ask her for her address in your reply to her message so you can send a condolence card. If she balks, explain sending a condolence card is how you were raised. She should be OK with revealing it. If she's not, this is pretty hopeless. I agree with this. It was explained to me years ago (by my bf, a psychologist) that a letter is a great way to communicate something bc often the person keeps it around and picks it up and reads it again. If you send a beautiful card the same would be true. I would imagine she won't toss the cards she gets during this time and each time she sees your card it reinforces in a lovely way that you are a caring person. I am always impressed positively when I receive a card via snail mail. A birthday card would be great, too!
Fletch Lives Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 It's called bad timing. There was a death in the family and she's not into dating right now. And at only two weeks, you are nothing special to her. Time to find a new woman to date. 2
Author lp0817 Posted March 31, 2021 Author Posted March 31, 2021 Yeah is bad timing.. shes just small talking me now.. it feels a bit weird you know as i dont wanna push things with this happening.. but ill try to remain upbeat.. dont want to see if shes up for another call because shes going to be feeling crap. I mean, she didnt have to message me today and tell me she was just in shock last night.. she doesnt have to talk to me at all.. but like i said i will be here to talk to her if she wants to. End of the day im understanding of stuff like this.. and i dont wanna push things especially when her emotions may be all over the place. 1
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I say give it a week or two as she processes her loss. It's quite normal to push people away when grieving a loss. She will come around.
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 Yes she may be grieving the aunty with cancer who lived in Sweden, but maybe she is not all that upset... Some people just aren't, especially when the person was expected to die, lives in a foreign county and is not in her particular age group. She may have been more upset due to the shock or the fact her mother was upset more than anything else. Play it by ear, assume nothing and if she wants to keep in touch with you, let her.
norealusername Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I would just send her a birthday message on her birthday and otherwise leave her be for a while. Some people don't want to talk if they're grieving. You already told her she can talk to you so no point in repeating it. I don't think you should ask for her address since you've only known her for 2 weeks. She'll probably be feeling better in a few weeks.
Recommended Posts