Just discovered boyfriend lying about his age for nearly 3 years - thought he's 38, is in fact 46

[MsJayne]

To go through his wallet you must have had some sort of suspicion or distrust of him. Confront him about it and don't feel guilty about snooping - you're not the one who's been telling a big black lie for three years and deliberately misleading a partner.  If he'd come clean early on it would be different, you could forgive a little insecurity followed by a confession, but three years is a long time to deceive someone. While you're discussing his dishonesty, mention to him that "anti-aging" products are also a lie, invented by an industry based on lies and illusion. I hope you don't find out that he's been doing Botox as well. 

[norealusername]

Dump this guy ASAP. Bad enough he lied to get you in the first place, but then continues the lie for 3 years. He has very low morals.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what has happened, OP.  I think when you are older, say over 35, age differences in relationships matter less than when younger.  They only matter if they matter to you, if that makes sense.  A man his age is usually capable of being a father, if that's what you wanted.

The big problem is not so much the age difference but the lie.  He should have been honest with you.  Another poster may be right and that he said the wrong thing due to embarassment at the time but he should have come clean to you as soon as possible afterwards and before you became involved with him.  You have the right to choose who you risk falling in love with and marrying - he took that choice away.

I don't think you did anything wrong by checking his wallet.  Ordinarily, I would think of that as an invasion of privacy but I think in this instance your intuition was telling you to look.  Fortunately, you followed your intuition.  This guy has no real reason for keeping this secret now.  He is not with a group; he is with you.  Even if you had rejected him, he should have taken that risk.  What kind of man is he if he can't be honest about his age?  This is the kind of thing that makes me lose respect for people, if they cannot be honest about their age.  Like others, I would begin to wonder what else he lied about and would want to check up on his background before confronting him.

I am sorry because you must be feeling so anxious now, knowing there was this hidden aspect to his life.

I, too, have been on dating sites where guys lie about their age.  Usually they put the wrong age as their official age and then say something in the profile such as 'I am X really but I couldn't change my age on this site' - rubbish, they could have closed that profile and made a new one!  Older men lie to try to date younger women; young men lie because they (claim) to prefer older women.  As someone on the receiving end of these lying profiles, I would never consider them.  They seem so sly to cheat like that.  Integrity is very important.  I think you have a lot to ask your partner now.  

Will you be able to trust him again?  I don't know, I guess it depends what he says.  If he queries you checking his wallet, you can always say it was intuition and you were right.  He was the one who lied for three years, not you.

Edited March 31, 2021 by spiderowl

[LivingWaterPlease]

The 13 year age difference may or may not matter to me at any age. The lie would matter to me and I couldn't stay with him. I have to be with someone who's truthful.

 

[neowulf]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

The big problem is not so much the age difference but the lie. 

This really lies at the heart of this entire issue.

He lied.  I can understand why he lied, but it doesn't change anything.  He took away the OP's agency to make the decision for herself.

He might be a great partner otherwise, but he withheld something important for his own personal again.

It'd be a deal breaker for me. 

[Wiseman2]

Perpetuating this deception is something to seriously consider.

I agree with @MsJayne.

Something prompted you to look through his wallet. What was that?

This isn't about wrinkles or face cream, it's about the creepiness of being with someone you don't really know after 3 years.

[Watercolors]

On 3/29/2021 at 10:09 PM, Iris2021 said:

@BaileyBYou're exactly right. I'm definitely a person to stick my head in the sand sometimes, so that's probably why I'm avoiding talking right now. I need to force myself to do it.

Are you going to talk to him about this major lie? Or, are you going to avoid it and pretend nothing is wrong? 

[thewoomensay]

Hello my dear,

Three years is a long time to be with someone who has been deceitful. I am surprised by how much you say but not say at the same time. There are serious relationship benchmarks that are either missing or not being mentioned. Here are a few just the top of my head:

-          How come you have never been introduced to his family?  

-          How come you have never been invited to any of his friends’ house?

-          How are you fine with someone now showing you their ID for three years?

-          If you travelled often, how did you never see his passport?

-          How have you not ever attended any of his office parties?

-          Why are you not brining up things when they do not add up?

-          Why did you go along the ride when you knew things were not right?

You cannot deny you were an accomplice in this scheme. There were many red flags you consciously chose to ignore; therefore, the blame cannot rest solely on him. What made you afraid of him? Your story just does not add up to me, and it has more to do with you than him. Based on your letter, you are stating that for three years, the two of you were just with each other, and other than by accident, you never interacted with each other’s support system. None of your friends met this man? You never invited him to meet your family? If so, why did you date in secrecy? Your screening skills are a little concerning.

There is much to be afraid of, of a person who is willing to be this mischievous for this long.  I want to bring this up because if you are planning on confronting him about his lies, you might want to consider doing it in a public place. In case he is the type that loses it. You also want to have an outline ready of the discussion. What are you going to ask him and what are you going to accept as a justification for his lies? Is “I was scared of losing you” going to work as an excuse? Also, was there ever a timeline for when the truth would have been discussed?

It is important for you to have a clear understanding of what you want before seeking answers. Are you still interested in pursuing a relationship with this man? If you are uncomfortable with being with someone who is over a decade older than you, what are you hoping to gain from the confrontation? I understand that you have feelings for him, but the lie about his age is not the only issue in the relationship. There are several other factors you two have not established as a couple, and there is no explanation why. You may want to look at the relationship in its entirety and not just focus on the first lie.

Whatever you do, if you want to address this issue, make sure you are not alone when you are having the talk. A nice restaurant or pub would be ideal. Also, do not accept the first answer he gives you as you have done previously. Really challenge him and do not stop until all your questions have a satisfactory explanation.

Please keep up posted, as I would love to know what he will come up with.

Best of luck.

[chillii]

Ahh , 13yrs ,nothing. All this bs about looking after him older in life ,can never believe that bullshyp. lf you love someone of course you look after them if it came to that, lF , you'd be some cold self centered so n so if you didn't many a man has spent 20 or 30 yrs catering to a sick wife, it could very easily end up her not him. My ex was 11 yrs younger and sick the whole 21yrs we were together and still is, it's not her fault . My 6 sisters are always sick . Look at all the cougars out there chasin guys half their age but 13yrs ahh, nothin . lt's about whether you fit ea other and your lives, and you two seem to very well , so what's the problem.

lt's the deception 3yrs , long time. You say you love him but do you actually know what real love is if your 13 yrs can kill it. Real love doesn't care about a pissy little 13yrs or 15 or 5, what the person and relationship is is what matters but yeah , the deception. lf you do "really" love him as people have said all you can do is talk get the cards on the table see where your both at from there it's the only thing you can do. No doubt things will be weird for a few wks and it'll either make or break the relationship, see what happens.

 

[Gaeta]

Even if his age was not an issue to father children OP still does not know this man enough to link herself to him for life through parenthood. Lets remember she has never met his parents, siblings, friends,  in 3 years. For all she knows he might still be married to an ex therefore his suggestion he'd be happy if she got pregnant isn't serious at all. 

[understand50]

On 3/29/2021 at 8:09 PM, Iris2021 said:

@BaileyBYou're exactly right. I'm definitely a person to stick my head in the sand sometimes, so that's probably why I'm avoiding talking right now. I need to force myself to do it.

Iris2021,

I know we at LS are in a big discussion on old men and women reproducing.  I do not think that is helpful to you.  The biggest thing I see, is as some have stated the lying.  Your BF is lying to you, and about something fundamental.  An old guy, is probably not going to out live you.  Are you up for that?  He has a large past before you, as do you.  Do you know his past life story?  Can you deal with anything from that?   Has he been married, does he have children from a past relationship?  As he is lying to you, you can not be sure, so I would ask straight up, and then do some research on him.  The internet can give you most of the big things he may be hiding.  Not saying that you will find stuff, but at this point how do you know?

Going forward, you need to decide if this is a person you want to be with. He may have qualities that outweigh the negatives, and you may find he is a good choice for a life partner.  If that is what you are looking for.  The big point, is that you are lacking trust in his word.  This will be a huge thing in a marriage, or long term relationship, so find out now, rebuild it, or cut and leave. Rebuilding trust is hard, but can be done.  The first step is honesty in all things.  (sexual past, financial past, relationships and so forth)  Do not go down the path, its his business, and you have know right to at least have some idea.  A long term partner knows all, or at least enough to make informed decisions.  That is really at the heart of the issue here.  His lying has robbed you of making a informed and eye wide open decision. 

I wish you luck..

 

 

 

[mortensorchid]

He lied about his age and just discovered this 3 YEARS into your relationship?!?!  Wow, just wow.  I have had guys lie to me but their lies usually come out rather quickly, either they confess or it comes out from another source.  But 3 years into a relationship and it comes out?  Wow...

The only thing I can recommend for you to do is to do a search / background check on him and verify this.  And ... You have to end it because he lied to you.  Who knows what else he was/is lying to you about?  

[chillii]

Yeah l wondered hth it could go on 3yrs too .

[OnlyHonesty]

I look a lot younger than my age, so when I meet a girl I'm interested in, it's one of the first things I tell her. Then it's up to her whether it's a problem or not. In your case, I don't think the age gap is the problem, it's the lack of trust and ongoing lie that is. If he can lie for so long about his age, what else can he lie about...

[trident_2020]

I guess from where I sit it’s easy to say this but I can’t wrap my head around why you’d stay with this deceptive individual another day let alone agonize over confronting him. 

Edited April 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[chillii]

On 3/30/2021 at 2:03 PM, Iris2021 said:

@CerseiI can't do games. It just isn't me. I'm not that kind of person. Yet I don't even know how to get him to admit to it. I'm just feeling really stuck and helpless, and just wanting it to be not true. Last week I thought I knew him, now I honestly have no idea who he is. But I also can't just throw away feelings like that...

 

This was my point , what games you don't need games , waiting for him to admit it could be another 3yrs that is games.. Cards on the table, tell him you know, see what he's got to say for himself.

ps , can you let us know how it all pans out.

 

 

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by chillii

[Emilyinroses]

On 3/30/2021 at 1:34 AM, Iris2021 said:

Hi,

I'm new and here for some opinions and advice. I'm 33 and bit of back story - I went on a working holiday from the Uk to Canada when i was 30 and shortly after I arrived I went to some meet up groups (in order to force myself to make friends as I'd arrived to a new country by myself). I ended up meeting a small group of 5 people and we spent alot of time together. We were all in our late twenties to early thirties age range.

One of them became my boyfriend - who even joked at the time when we all told each other our ages "oh im 50", to which everyone replied "oh haha, really?" and he replied back "no im 35". No one thought otherwise, as in all honestly we all looked fairly young for our ages anyway. So the "5 year age gap" at the time was no big deal to me (and my previous boyfriend had also been 5 years younger).

I began to notice on odd occasions where he wouldn't let me see his ID (we got ID'd alot at bars etc) but didnt think anything of it, apart from maybe he thinks the fact hes 5 years older might be a bit of a deal? I wasnt sure to doubt it.... i just trusted he was what he said he was (ofcourse). Occasionally though I would notice little things... like he'd tell me dates of things in his life and in my mind they wouldn't add up, and things he say happened 'a few years ago' didn't quite make sense to the timeline he'd given me.... 

I also thought it was a bit weird he had anti-aging skin moisturizer in his bathroom cabinet (i mean, do 35 year olds really need it? i think i just excused it in my mind). I also never met any of his friends - apart from if we bumped into them at events or festivals - i didnt think anything of it, but did notice they all had kids who were around 5 to 12 years old (again, not uncommon for people in their thirties). He also never had any photos in his apartment but did show me a select few on his phone from when he was at uni.

So last week, after almost 3 years of dating, I noticed he'd left his wallet on his kitchen table, so (and i have no idea what gave me the urge to do this) whilst he was in the bathroom i just decided i wanted to look at his driving licence.... I was stunned. It said year of birth as 1975. Not 1983, as i had always thought. Which meant a 13 year age gap, instead of just 5.

I didnt know what to do apart from put back the wallet and pretend it never happened. I've been struggling to sleep properly and feel betrayed ever since. I've told friends - and even my mum - who thinks he didnt have bad intentions, that he just wanted to fit in from the start, but the fact he lied and tried to hide it is still worrying, and she isnt keen on the big age gap.

I'm now in a situation where I need to tell him that i know, but its so difficult to make myself do it. My friends wonder what else he has lied about....he told me he was with his previous partner for 9 years/engaged, and now i wonder if he was infact married/divorced.

Also he has said things to me like, if i ever accidentally got pregnant with him it would be a blessing, and insinuated he'd love to have a kid, and a family, and for us to get a house. Now i see its because time isnt particularly on his side, being nearer 50, whereas I feel like i have a lot of time to still do and see things without that pressure.

I dont what what to do.This is so hard. I did love him, but now i know the truth, despite age just 'being a number' i feel less respected and less respecting of him, in turn. I just dont know how to handle this. We had lots of plans to travel later in the year, yet i know his secret now, and i feel things have changed. We get on so well together though, as a couple. Even if this is repairable, i feel the 13 years difference is still an issue....

 

He broke your trust. Now it’s better to face things directly, tell him you know and ask him why he did that. 

Then based on his response and reaction you can make a decision on what to do and if you want to be with him.

For me is not the age gap that is a problem, but the fact he lied to you and in 3 years he never told you the truth.