Just discovered boyfriend lying about his age for nearly 3 years - thought he's 38, is in fact 46

[Wiseman2]

Google his first name,last name and city lives in. It's all there.

You don't have to investigate moisturizer to find out how old someone is.

It's odd he thought he could lie about this when anyone can instantly Google this info.

Now you need to decide whether to continue or not.

 

 

[poppyfields]

OP, are you looking for an excuse to dump this man?  If so, you got it.

But if not, if you've been happy together, he treats you well and you feel loved, show him some love by talking with him, and understanding why he lied.  

I highly doubt his intention was "playing you like a fiddle" like another poster suggested or otherwise deceiving you.

When people lie about age, they're insecure about it.  So if you love him, try to understand that and not take it so personally like an affront against you.

Also a good time to define boundaries- NO lying no matter what it is.  Create an environment wherein he feels safe being open and honest with you.

13 years is not a huge age gap at our age.  He is still the same man he always was, the fact you discovered he is older (age wise) should not have a bearing on that, imo.

This is all assuming you are not looking for an excuse to dump him, cause again if you are, you found the perfect excuse, feel free to dump.

You actually don't even need an excuse, if that's what you want to do.

[Fletch Lives]

He never lied about his age, you guys were joking about age. He just never offered the information.

[smackie9]

So at his Bday parties his friends/family would also be a part of keeping his age a secret? How does that work?

[elaine567]

34 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

He never lied about his age, you guys were joking about age. He just never offered the information.

He offered a lie...     He said I am 35...
He instantly and blatantly shaved 8 years off his age...
13 years is a big gap and in 4 years he is going to be 50...

OP
Do you really want a 50yo to be your baby's father?

[Gaeta]

@Iris2021: It happened to me as well except after months of dating he came forward with his lie. He told me he was 5 years younger than his real age. The real difference in our age ended up being 12 years. I was not impressed at all and I didn't have too much experience in dating I was just divorced and in my early 30s so I let it slide. I've learn from this that when someone is willing to lie to you about their age, and maintain that lie, that makes them liars, and I have no doubts , like it happened to me, that you'll find out in time that he's also lying to you about other things.

Even when I was online and men put a certain age on their profile and during a first conversation they'd tell me their real age, I would drop them instantly. If you cannot own who you are I don't want you in my life. 

Can you imagine the amount of effort he had to provide to maintain that lie for 3 years? He has it in him to lie and construct a life around a lie. 

[poppyfields]

@Iris2021I'm curious, instead of snooping through his wallet and invading his privacy, which may be a bigger offense (or at least equal to) than him failing to disclose his true age, why didn't you just ask him? 

From what I read, years back when you met, you were with a group and everyone was goofing around about age. At first he joked saying he was 50, then 35.  You accepted that and never discussed since. 

I'm not suggesting not disclosing his true age all these years was right, it wasn't.

To me it reflects insecurity and it does not necessarily mean he lies about other things. 

But you snooping through his wallet wasn't right either and franky for me, if I discovered a boyfriend did that versus trusting me enough to talk with me about it, or simply asking me, that might be a dealbreaker.

Good luck whatever you decide. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry he's lied to you.  The only thing you can do is raise the issue and tell him exactly how you feel...everything you've written here... and see how things go.  Your mum could be right, but so could your friends.  

 Just don't say anything about the moisturiser.  Your assumption about men not needing to care for their skin is very odd.  Skin is skin, no matter what the gender.

lol, the product is obviously WORKING!!! What is it??  lol ok just kidding (half kidding).  

I don't know. For 3 years, this would most likely be an absolute dealbreaker for me.  I get how it started. I don't get how it CONTINUED for 3 years.  That's kind of scary to be with someone that could lie for that long, about something so major--it would kind of affect trust from hereon out. IMO. Good luck

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

To me it reflects insecurity 

I don't see insecurity, I see arrogance. Arrogance that he thinks (and he did) pull off lying to her to get her. He was only thinking of himself and his desire to date OP a younger woman. 

It's the same as this guy that dated me for 6 months and never mentioned he was leaving the country. He knew I wouldn't date him if I knew. Same with this man, he knew she wouldn't date him if he said he was 46 (what ever  his age at the time). It's allll about him and what he can get away with. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Gaeta

[Crazelnut]

This is a real problem, so don't just let it go. You should tell him you saw his real age in his wallet and let him explain why he lied. If it was me, I'd have a hard time getting over the ongoing lie and also just dealing with the age gap. I'd be inclined to walk away because it feels ... icky and pathetic and desperate. 

[Gaeta]

Don't tell him you looked in his wallet. Call him, tell him you're filling a form to win a trip and you can't remember if he's born in 83 or 84. Lets see how he handles this. 

[vla1120]

I have a few thoughts...number one, you were suspicious that he was lying about his age, otherwise you would not have looked for the answer in his wallet. Trust your instincts. Number two, three years is quite a long time for him to carry on with that lie. What else could he be hiding from you? Number three, some may consider it "snooping" to look in his wallet. After three months of dating...maybe, but after three years? You wouldn't have felt the need to "snoop" to begin with, if you hadn't sensed there was an issue.

Now that you have his name and correct birth date, do a background check on him. Find out if he is/has been married, has children, etc. Perhaps the birth date alone is not a deal breaker, if you consider the rest of your relationship is solid. Just make sure that's not the only thing he's lying about. Also, I would have NO qualms about confronting him directly about his age and telling him I found the truth in his wallet. If that's a deal breaker for him, so be it. You wouldn't have had to confirm his age in his wallet if he hadn't lied to you in the first place.

Edited March 30, 2021 by vla1120

[Wiseman2]

It's odd that you overlooked this for three years. What else might you not know about him? You don't have to snoop in someone's wallet to find out their age.

Do you feel the relationship was just sort of coasting along nicely and didn't want to rock the boat about who he really is?

[poppyfields]

@Iris2021, new advice, just end the relationship.

Clearly there is no trust.  For him, not trusting that you would accept his true age, and for you, snooping through his wallet. 

And the suggestion to compound it all by lying yourself telling him you are filling out a form to win a trip?   Versus having an open and honest discussion about it?

Just end it and look for a man closer to your own age whom you trust and who trusts you.

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Don't tell him you looked in his wallet. Call him, tell him you're filling a form to win a trip and you can't remember if he's born in 83 or 84. Lets see how he handles this. 

I disagree. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

[Calmandfocused]

Op I wanted to share my experience with you. Our situation is so similar I had to. 
 

When I met my ex husband I was 29, he was 35 ... or so I thought. However once our relationship was established he told me the truth. He wasn’t 35, he was actually 42. A 13 year age difference. 
 

I accepted the reasons why he wasn’t truthful with me - it was mainly around the fear that I wouldn’t want him. He had a point; there was no way I would have chosen someone 13 years older than me.  However I let it go. I married him and we had 2 children together. 

So would I let such a lie go again? No, I would not.
 

The 13 year age difference was actually irrelevant. What was relevant is the fact that this was the start of many many lies to come. Lies and inability to trust was a big part of our marriage breakdown. 

So in your situation I would say that the age gap doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact that he’s lied and mislead you for 3 years. If he can lie about one thing he can lie about another. 
 

However don’t be a hypocrite! Come clean and tell him what you know. Be honest why you did it! If he tries and throws mud back at you, this tells you all you need to know. 
 

 

[Marc878]

Dump him. He’s an accomplished liar and I’d bet you only know the tip of the iceberg.

[Alpacalia]

It's too bad you had to learn that he was hiding his true age by snooping. Snooping seems to give the impression that you are doubting someone's honesty.

You recognize this fact if you believe your partner is not forthcoming.

All you can do now is be frank about your snooping. You must then determine whether you can sit down with him, discuss it, and solve the issue that prompted him to lie about something so insignificant and feel confident enough that he will be truthful.

Though, I suspect now that will be hard to do.

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, Iris2021 said:

Thank you for your advice. And oh i wasn't surprised he needed moisturizer - it was more the "anti-aging" label on it. I just assume that 35 year olds wouldn't necessarily need to have anti aging, because they are not old, in my opinion. But yeah, that isn't the problem here. Thank you though.

The aging cream isn’t.

 

ive sern women who are 35-38 and with some I’d guess 10 yrs older and some I’d guess 10 years younger.

 

in college I knew someone who had grey hair in his mid 20s.  Others at that age losing their hair.

 

on to the bigger issues......

 

1him hiding us family and close friends. Thus to me is far bigger than him lying on his age.

 

as for lying on age.?I have a real problem with it but I understand why he did it.  At this point sge doesn’t matter,what does is how the relationship is.

[lana-banana]

In my old job, I spent a LOT of time studying lies and the nature of dishonesty. The short version is that everyone lies; it's understanding why and how, and the circumstances in which it occurred, that determines whether you can trust someone. For instance, a single lie is not as bad as multiple lies. A lie of omission is much more "acceptable", or closer to normal, than a fabrication. And a lie told one time is nowhere near as bad as a repeated lie or attempt to deceive. In this case, he deliberately hid his true age from you (by attempting to hide his ID, never mentioning his true age, etc) for three years. He had countless opportunities to come clean with you and not only did he refuse to do that, but he went out of his way to keep you from finding out the truth. Someone who is capable of this type of long-term deception is absolutely not someone you can trust in the long term. I know it's horrible and it seems awful all around, but don't try to minimize what's a very significant betrayal.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I know it's horrible and it seems awful all around, but don't try to minimize what's a very significant betrayal.

I realize I am a bit of an anomaly on this forum re how I view things, and I am not minimizing that he failed to disclose his true age, but what I am not understanding is how is this a "significant betrayal"?  Cheating is a betrayal, you trust your partner to be faithful and they betray that trust, that is a betrayal.

But how is not disclosing real age a betrayal?  She never asked, she assumed based on a jokey conversation a bunch of her friends were having three years prior.

I would think her snooping would be more of a betrayal as it reflects a lack of trust, and an invasion of privacy.

I don't know, I am seriously considering all these responses and perhaps this is why I suck at relationships because to me it's not that huge a deal.  He is the same man he was before she discovered this.  The same man who has loved her, treated her well, and whom she loves (I am assuming).

Something like this can be easily resolved by communicating.  A good opportunity to define boundaries - NO lying no matter what it is.

That said, if the 13 year age difference is something the OP cannot overcome, despite him being the same exact man he's been for the past 3 years, then yeah, end it.

An an anecdote, my very first boyfriend (long term) was actually younger than I, by about 3 years.  We were in our 20s.   He initially lied telling me he was my age (3 years older).  Why?  He was insecure about being younger.

I cannot remember how I found out (it wasn't by snooping because I trusted him), but I asked him and he told me the truth.  By then we had been together around a year and it was not that huge a deal to me.  He was a great boyfriend, my first long term boyfriend actually, we dated four years.  During our conversation, I asked him (well, told him) to never lie to me, there was no reason for it.  I am accepting about most things, just DON'T lie.

He was faithful, treated me well, and never lied about anything again.  

Edited March 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[lana-banana]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But how is not disclosing real age a betrayal?  She never asked, she assumed based on a jokey conversation a bunch of her friends were having three years prior.

Because he took active measures to conceal his true age from her (repeatedly hiding his ID, going out of his way not to mention his birth year, etc). It is a betrayal because he did not give her the choice about whether she wanted to date someone that much older. She still doesn't even know if he was previously married! He is not the "same man she thought he was" who just happens to be older; he's someone who comfortably lied to her for three years. Lying about your identity to your partner is wrong, full stop.

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Iris2021 said:

@GaetaIn 3 years, i only recently met his cousin (who came for the weekend from a different province) - he has many cousins and this cousin was actually the first time they'd ever met in person (due to living on the other side of the country) he's cousin was really nice and open and is 30 years old (but now i see that their age gap is much bigger).

We usually celebrated his birthday very low key, or with a few people (my friends)- but no one ever directly asked him his age i don't think - probably because once you're past 30 it's all considered just being 30something? I mean, he probably just avoided the question too. But I just thought he didnt want to be reminded of getting older...

So in 3 years you have not met his family or his friends? and he's not from another continent, he's just from another Province. That did not seem fishy to you? It seems this lie about his age isn't the only thing he's hiding from you. He did not get phone calls from his parents, siblings on his birthday? He never went to visit them? what was his excuse for not taking you with him? 

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, Iris2021 said:

I began to notice on odd occasions where he wouldn't let me see his ID (we got ID'd alot at bars etc) but didnt think anything of it, apart from maybe he thinks the fact hes 5 years older might be a bit of a deal? I wasnt sure to doubt it.... i just trusted he was what he said he was (ofcourse). Occasionally though I would notice little things... like he'd tell me dates of things in his life and in my mind they wouldn't add up, and things he say happened 'a few years ago' didn't quite make sense to the timeline he'd given me.... 

First off thanks @lana-banana for clarifying. 

Second, to @Iris2021, re the bolded, why, when things started not adding up, did you not confront him about it?  Express your concerns, your suspicions, like I did with my ex who lied about being younger?

Why snoop?  That's my issue.  

Had you confronted, not in an accusatory way, but simply discuss your concerns, it would have given him the opportunity to own up to his "lie" and tell you the truth.

Again, maybe this is why I suck at relationships, maybe I am too trusting, or more understanding about these things than I should be.

Although I don't think I am.  Maybe just more open-minded and accepting of things that in the grand scheme of life, really don't matter that much, not imo.

That said @Iris2021, if you believe other parts of his life are sketchy (like never meeting family or friends like Gaeta just asked), then don't bother addressing this and just end it.

 

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Peach]

I'm in the break up camp on this one. The age difference on its own would make me pause for a second but if things were that good I could overcome it. The HUGE issue for me is he maintained the lie for 3 years. This just really points to a lack of integrity and trust in the relationship which is a deal breaker for me.

 

In my previous relationship my ex lied to me on something big and it took a long time to trust him again. I don't think I would choose that road again. To contrast I recently met a guy who was upfront about his age even though he thought it would mean I would dump or friend zone him. The really appreciated and respected being so upfront even thought he knew it meant I would probably reject him.

Edited March 30, 2021 by Miss Peach