Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 Hi, I'm new and here for some opinions and advice. I'm 33 and bit of back story - I went on a working holiday from the Uk to Canada when i was 30 and shortly after I arrived I went to some meet up groups (in order to force myself to make friends as I'd arrived to a new country by myself). I ended up meeting a small group of 5 people and we spent alot of time together. We were all in our late twenties to early thirties age range. One of them became my boyfriend - who even joked at the time when we all told each other our ages "oh im 50", to which everyone replied "oh haha, really?" and he replied back "no im 35". No one thought otherwise, as in all honestly we all looked fairly young for our ages anyway. So the "5 year age gap" at the time was no big deal to me (and my previous boyfriend had also been 5 years younger). I began to notice on odd occasions where he wouldn't let me see his ID (we got ID'd alot at bars etc) but didnt think anything of it, apart from maybe he thinks the fact hes 5 years older might be a bit of a deal? I wasnt sure to doubt it.... i just trusted he was what he said he was (ofcourse). Occasionally though I would notice little things... like he'd tell me dates of things in his life and in my mind they wouldn't add up, and things he say happened 'a few years ago' didn't quite make sense to the timeline he'd given me.... I also thought it was a bit weird he had anti-aging skin moisturizer in his bathroom cabinet (i mean, do 35 year olds really need it? i think i just excused it in my mind). I also never met any of his friends - apart from if we bumped into them at events or festivals - i didnt think anything of it, but did notice they all had kids who were around 5 to 12 years old (again, not uncommon for people in their thirties). He also never had any photos in his apartment but did show me a select few on his phone from when he was at uni. So last week, after almost 3 years of dating, I noticed he'd left his wallet on his kitchen table, so (and i have no idea what gave me the urge to do this) whilst he was in the bathroom i just decided i wanted to look at his driving licence.... I was stunned. It said year of birth as 1975. Not 1983, as i had always thought. Which meant a 13 year age gap, instead of just 5. I didnt know what to do apart from put back the wallet and pretend it never happened. I've been struggling to sleep properly and feel betrayed ever since. I've told friends - and even my mum - who thinks he didnt have bad intentions, that he just wanted to fit in from the start, but the fact he lied and tried to hide it is still worrying, and she isnt keen on the big age gap. I'm now in a situation where I need to tell him that i know, but its so difficult to make myself do it. My friends wonder what else he has lied about....he told me he was with his previous partner for 9 years/engaged, and now i wonder if he was infact married/divorced. Also he has said things to me like, if i ever accidentally got pregnant with him it would be a blessing, and insinuated he'd love to have a kid, and a family, and for us to get a house. Now i see its because time isnt particularly on his side, being nearer 50, whereas I feel like i have a lot of time to still do and see things without that pressure. I dont what what to do.This is so hard. I did love him, but now i know the truth, despite age just 'being a number' i feel less respected and less respecting of him, in turn. I just dont know how to handle this. We had lots of plans to travel later in the year, yet i know his secret now, and i feel things have changed. We get on so well together though, as a couple. Even if this is repairable, i feel the 13 years difference is still an issue.... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 I'm so sorry he's lied to you. The only thing you can do is raise the issue and tell him exactly how you feel...everything you've written here... and see how things go. Your mum could be right, but so could your friends. Just don't say anything about the moisturiser. Your assumption about men not needing to care for their skin is very odd. Skin is skin, no matter what the gender. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 Thank you for your advice. And oh i wasn't surprised he needed moisturizer - it was more the "anti-aging" label on it. I just assume that 35 year olds wouldn't necessarily need to have anti aging, because they are not old, in my opinion. But yeah, that isn't the problem here. Thank you though. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 1 minute ago, Iris2021 said: I dont what what to do.This is so hard. I did love him, but now i know the truth, despite age just 'being a number' i feel less respected and less respecting of him, in turn. I just dont know how to handle this. We had lots of plans to travel later in the year, yet i know his secret now, and i feel things have changed. We get on so well together though, as a couple. Even if this is repairable, i feel the 13 years difference is still an issue.... Whatever his reasons, in the end, he deceived you and took away your choice to decide for yourself. It's a real shame, because now he's put you into a position where you have to weigh the value of this relationship against something you wouldn't have signed up for in the first place if you'd known. Age isn't only a number. People tell you that, because they want to feel better about it, but it really isn't. A 13 year difference means he's going to be 73 when you're 60... you're going to end up playing nursemaid in the long run, not to mention that with that kind of age gap, you can end up at very different stages of your lives at different points. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 Thank you. Yes, I agree with you.... I feel like despite the love I know is genuine, the last 3 years is still based on a lie. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me, and I don't think he ever would have. It's just a huge shock to find out this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 That is an awful lie. In 3 years did you socialise with his family? No one ever celebrated his b'day? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cleverusername Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 13 years is a big age gap. The fact that you were comfortable with each other and spent 3 years together, and he didn't say anything at all, and actually tried to continue keeping it from you is a huge deal. The fact that he perpetuated this lie through birthdays and kept his ID from you is a huge deal. I would do a records search to make sure nobody with his real birthday and name isn't a convicted criminal, then I would leave him. If he cared even the slightest amount, he would have told you. He doesn't even know he's caught and he's still trying to deceive you. Sorry you have to deal with this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 He gets credit for pulling it off IMO as that's a pretty big age gap. However, of course this is now going to generate a serious trust issue for you. Whether you can get past it is an open question; I don't think anyone would blame you if you can't. Whether you should even try to get past it is an open question as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 Oh man! This would not fly with me. I hate being played like a fiddle. I would have to catch him at his own game. For example: There is a website where you can find out what song was number 1 on the date of your birth. Google it. I would likely mess with him using that site asking "what year were you born again?" If he squirmed and used math in his head I'd call him out. Yep, I would do something like that and tell him to find someone else to lie to. This guy played you like a fool and you deserve to do the same to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 @GaetaIn 3 years, i only recently met his cousin (who came for the weekend from a different province) - he has many cousins and this cousin was actually the first time they'd ever met in person (due to living on the other side of the country) he's cousin was really nice and open and is 30 years old (but now i see that their age gap is much bigger). We usually celebrated his birthday very low key, or with a few people (my friends)- but no one ever directly asked him his age i don't think - probably because once you're past 30 it's all considered just being 30something? I mean, he probably just avoided the question too. But I just thought he didnt want to be reminded of getting older... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 @cleverusernameThanks for the advice. It's just really hard at the moment to just leave him after 3 years of a good relationship.. I honestly dont think he has any criminal history. I will look though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 @mark clemsonHe fits in really well with my friendship group... its really hard to tell he is older, that's why it's a complete shock. I feel really hurt, and almost like I've just been a kind of sugar baby to him. I'm trying to see the logic. He has told me I am the love of his life too. It's a really rubbish situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 (edited) I would not be cool with this. I would have a hard time trusting anything else he says... Also, I would never chose to date someone thirteen years older than me (says the woman who’s best friend is doing just that, he’s the nicest guy and she has never been happier. But, they also have their own children and they are at a different stage of life). Edited March 30, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 @CerseiI can't do games. It just isn't me. I'm not that kind of person. Yet I don't even know how to get him to admit to it. I'm just feeling really stuck and helpless, and just wanting it to be not true. Last week I thought I knew him, now I honestly have no idea who he is. But I also can't just throw away feelings like that... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 1 minute ago, Iris2021 said: I don't even know how to get him to admit to it. I would straight up tell him - “You left your wallet on the table and I saw your birthdate.” He’s not been honest with you. You can’t dance around the subject any more than you already have. It’s time for a heart to heart discussion. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 @BaileyBI thought i was initially dating a 35 year old. It felt no different. But now with the 13 years, it feels a bit wrong. It's heart breaking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 @BaileyBYou're exactly right. I'm definitely a person to stick my head in the sand sometimes, so that's probably why I'm avoiding talking right now. I need to force myself to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 3 minutes ago, Iris2021 said: @BaileyBYou're exactly right. I'm definitely a person to stick my head in the sand sometimes, so that's probably why I'm avoiding talking right now. I need to force myself to do it. I get it, I would want to do the same. But, this lie has been going on for three years now... I think it’s time for an open and honest conversation. He may even feel relieved??? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Iris2021 said: @BaileyBI thought i was initially dating a 35 year old. It felt no different. But now with the 13 years, it feels a bit wrong. It's heart breaking. My brother and his wife have eight years between them. It’s really only a potential “problem” when you are really young or as you age. It could be a potential problem if you decide to have a family, but not necessarily. Edited March 30, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
CalipsoRose Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 Well honestly if the relationship has been going well so far, I don't think this is a deal breaker. It sounds like he lied as a spur of the moment thing because he felt embarrassed being in a group of younger people especially when they asked him "haha really?" sounds like one of those split decision moments you feel in social pressure. Then he realized he couldn't go back on it after falling for you so he was worried whenever you saw his ID. Makes sense. I don't think this points to other lies like your friends are suggesting, if you haven't noticed any other red flag behavior. I think this was just an "oops" moment that turned into something he didn't know how to fix out of embarrassment. I don't think its out of being malicious. Tell him you know and that you're upset he didn't tell you sooner. At our age (approaching 30s and beyond) 13 years really isn't that big of an issue. But the fact that he didn't tell you sooner is something you need to discuss with him. If you break up with him for this reason, I am inclined to think there are other issues in the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Av3ry Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 Phew. I don't know if I could go on. 13 years is a huge gap (at least it is for me) but the main thing here is that he lied about it to you. Why? Do you think you can sit down and talk to him about it - find out why, and see if you can accept the reason/excuse and then, I guess discuss how to move forward with the information you have? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Angelle Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 It's a lie I wouldn't be comfortable with. I remember guys on OKCupid, lying about their age, so that they would have younger women looking at their profiles. One eventually added something about them admitting something in person - so he would apparently tell them, once they'd met. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FudgeSwirl Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 I am so sorry you found out that way. I do not think he lied about his age with any mal intent. As many suggested he probably did so to fit and the dilemma came when things really took off in your relationship. It is very possible the past three years he constantly thought of how to break the age thing to you but as time went on it got to be harder. That does not at all excuse the fact that him keeping the lie to himself all this time was wrong. On dating websites as @Angellementioned some men lie about their ages to attract younger women and usually they fess up either in the first date or two. By him lying this long he took away your right to decide if being in a relationship with that much of an age gap is something you would want since it affects your futures. Even if the age gap does not bother you, he is still in the wrong. The fact that you seized the opportunity to sneak a peak at his license shows your previous suspicions were always on the surface even if subconsciously so it is best to admit you learned his real age and give him the chance to explain. You do not by all means have to accept his excuse but in talking to him you will at least get a better sense if things still feel real unless you discover there are other issues in your relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 It's the fact that he's actively deceived you for 3 years that would deeply trouble me. He's been preventing you from finding out the truth. That says so much about his character and values, and none of it is good. Your friends are right to be worried about what else he might be hiding. Do you know for sure that he is divorced? I would sit him down and tell him what you discovered. No dancing around it. Let him fill in the blanks. Then you have a big decision to make. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 (edited) So sorry! Yes this should bother you because if he's willing to lie so significantly about something important then what else has he lied to you about? My ex lied about his age and he cheated on me our entire relationship. Not saying he's cheating on you but he basically started your relationship off on a lie and that's a betrayal Don't feel the least bit guilty about going through his wallet to find that out. He was hiding something from you and you had every right to uncover his secret when it effects you directly. Tell him you know how old he is and then watch carefully about how he responds. If he gets defensive/angry then, next! I'm about your age but a guy like this would be way too old for me that along with the lie would be too much for me to continue the relationship Edited March 30, 2021 by Dis Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts