FMW Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I'm pretty easygoing about a lot of relationship related issues, but not about actual dates/plans. I'm not good at being spontaneous, even with my girlfriends. I like to have the general information locked down at least a few days ahead of time. I know sometimes there are circumstances that require tentative plans contingent on something else, but those should be few and far between. Otherwise, being spontaneous and getting last minute offers make me feel like the one asking was waiting for something better to come along before asking me.
poppyfields Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) I think it’s a shame that more people aren’t into spontaneity, attaching so much negativity to it such as you’re not a priority, you’re second choice, they're waiting for something better to come along or whatever other negative spin they can think of. I have never felt that way, there has been no reason to. And like I said I have enjoyed some of the best dates of my life last minute and we’ve gone on to have a LTR. Even with friends, say like after work we may feel like grabbing a bite, so one of us will text, and we're like, yeah! Let's meet at Karl Strauss (or wherever) in 45 minutes. Especially with OLDing and meeting for the first time. When a first meet is planned days in advance, there is often so much over-thinking going on, so much anxiety, that people often end up overthinking their way right out of meeting! Hence why (or one reason) there is so much damn flakiness happening imo. I mean, how many threads have we read about this? If you’re chatting on line and getting on well, heck just meet, like right then or later that day/night. I mean if you have time to chat, you have time to meet for 15 minutes. I am not getting what there is there to “plan”? Go grab a coffee! Take a walk, get an ice cream, gauge the vibe. If/when I ever starting dating again and go the OLDing route, that is how I am going to do it. No more chatting for weeks prior, establishing a "connection," I am going to suggest we meet that day/night, assuming we are getting on well. I think that is how Trail Blazer and his girlfriend did it, they began chatting and agreed to meet that very same night. If she/he ends up not being who they portrayed themselves to be on line (physically or in any other way), politely excuse yourself and leave. It's 15 minutes out of your life. Edited March 31, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 When I was online dating it happened a few times that we improvised a meeting on the same day. On a morning conversation we would discover we both work downtown so same day at lunch we would meet at the corner coffee shop. On a quiet Saturday night I started chatting with someone and we both had nothing planned so we were meeting 20 minutes later. Those are first meetings. Then you have the *dating*. Going out to eat, movies, concerts, it's nice to have a couple of days warning before those but if a man finds himself free last minute and what he'd like the most is spend time with me, I will be flattered. If I'm free I'll gladly go, if I had something planned I'll stick to my plans. 3
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 There's nothing wrong with chatting & realizing that there is an easy opportunity to meet right then & there. Then there is the person who can't plan & everything is always last minute, spur of the moment. They are different. One is fun & spontaneous. The other is you are an after thought. 4
FMW Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 28 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I have never felt that way, there has been no reason to. It's a point of compatibility. Spontaneous people work better with other spontaneous people. I'm not compatible with someone who doesn't plan ahead most of the time. I HAVE done things on the spur of the moment, including the guy I'm with now. But I don't feel great about it ahead of time, even if I end up enjoying it. I don't think "hey, being spontaneous is fun". Fortunately he has only pulled last minute plans on me a few times, and I understood why they came up. Otherwise, he would be getting a "sorry, I can't make it" response. My friends even kid me about it sometimes, but that doesn't change my feelings about it. They accept that about me just like I accept that they have problems planning ahead and being on time.
poppyfields Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, FMW said: It's a point of compatibility. Spontaneous people work better with other spontaneous people. Actually either way works for me. There should be a balance, it's not either/or. If I were dating a guy and everything was last minute, that would not work, but I am not averse to it when it happens and I don't read anything negative into it when it does. Meetings or other plans get cancelled, he is thinking of me, wants to see me, and like Gaeta said, I'm flattered. If I am available, I will go. If not, I politely decline, thank him and suggest another time. Edited March 31, 2021 by poppyfields 3
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 I agree, a balance is nice. I want to be with someone who plans but is able to be spontaneous, also, as that's the way I am. With my gf's I'm almost always spontaneous and the friends I stick with are, too. I have one gf who tries to make dinner or lunch plans with me two or more weeks in advance. That's almost impossible for me to do, what with the nature of my work and life. OTOH, I would do it with a guy I'm just getting to know if it came to that. I just wouldn't be wanting to have a long term R with anyone who wanted to consistently have me hold a particular slot for them weeks in advance. I'll always find time for the man in my life and for my close friends so it's not an issue of not knowing if I can see him two or three weeks out.
FMW Posted March 31, 2021 Posted March 31, 2021 My definitions are: Planning ahead = 2-3 days Spontaneous - 1 or 2 hours 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 6 hours ago, FMW said: My definitions are: Planning ahead = 2-3 days Spontaneous - 1 or 2 hours Sounds reasonable to me, FMW! For the most part if planning ahead is just two or three days I'm good with that. Wouldn't want it all to be spontaneous. OTOH when I'm in a R with a guy I assume we'll be together all of our leisure time because that's the way it's always been for me. So, then we just go with the flow usually unless tickets of some sort are involved.
Uruktopi Posted April 1, 2021 Posted April 1, 2021 (edited) Well, as my last significative relationship was with a lady living in a city about 450 miles from home and we had three days on each weekend for us, we needed some planning. At least about arrivals, reservations, some other related stuff. Edited April 1, 2021 by Uruktopi
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