HopeInTears Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 About 3 weeks ago I found out my boyfriend, whom I absolutely adored and was falling head over heels for, is married. I had known him for 4 months before we even began dating! I was devestated to say the least. Not only had I opened myself to him, but he was the first man since splitting with my ex I allowed into my childrens' lives (I am divorced). We had talked long and hard about him meeting the kids, and how I felt about him and what my expectations were from the relationship. He concurred and claimed to have the same feelings. So now here I sit, confused, but unable to let go of him. He wasn't married very long before we met, and he says he was specifically looking for this relationship. Many people say it's because of his career. W and I live in separate towns, I am just down the road from his work. I went through a great deal of pain when I found out, and despite pleas from friends to end it with me if he wasn't serious, he continued seeing me and contacting me saying we would work it out and would be ok. I know he doesn't want to end it with me. And I don't want to end it with him. In the brief time he has been involved with my children he has made an incredibly positive impact on them - so much so that one child's teacher commented on the improved behavior. I have tried dating others, but I think I am too distracted to give them a chance. I have my own life and am very independent. I have my friends and like doing my own thing. I feel comfortable in my relationship with him. Part of me knows morally its wrong, but I cannot help how I feel. Are there others out there in a similar situation? I feel hurt and betrayed, as though I have been the one cheated on, though I am well aware that is not the situation. Any one out there able to share thoughts or have experience with this? My marriage was honest and neither of us cheated... it ended because we simply outgrew each other. So I have never dealt with this from any perspective.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I know he doesn't want to end it with me. And I don't want to end it with him. Well, that said you have only one choice: be a HOW or an UOW. Either way, you are offering yourself up as OW, and he is going to continue to take advantage of it for as long as you offer it. He will stay married, too because your continued participation in this lets him know that he doesn't have to divorce his wife to continue seeing you. You have a tough road ahead, and decisions to make. Do you want to choose to continue being the OW? You'll have to ask yourself how happy you can be with this man and exposing your children to a man who lied about some very important things to you for a long time, and how likely it is that he is lying about a lot more, and will continue to lie to you in the future. People tend to think emotional involvement means that 'he/she would never lie to me' but the sad truth of it is that yes, people lie even when they claim to have a great depth of feelings for you. I have my own life and am very independent. I have my friends and like doing my own thing. I feel comfortable in my relationship with him. Part of me knows morally its wrong, but I cannot help how I feel. As long as you continue to like your independence, and doing your own thing and accepting that your relationship will never be more than it is - then you are pretty well on your way to being a HOW. The less expectations you have of the relationship, the happier you will be as an OW.
Author HopeInTears Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 Thank you for your thoughts... Sometimes its easier to see it through another's eyes when you are in the thick of it. First I have to ask though, what is an "HOW" and what is an "UOW"? A lot of this lingo is new to me... nothing I ever anticipated needing to learn. In terms of him leaving his W, I know that is not going to be happening any time in the near future. My discovery of his being married sent major shock waves through our circle of friends (primarily mine, obviously) that resulted in him suffering major consequences at work. Because of a somewhat political situation, things have to simmer down for a while before anything happens. How I wish I could explain further, trust me it would make sense, but I fear revealing who he is. It is likely that now everyone in his life, with the exception of W, knows who I am. You are right in your comments about being lied to. I know now how much he is capable of lying, and have told him that I question him. I don't like that feeling. It bothers me that I cannot yet detach from him. I guess in part I am holding out for hope that once the dust settles he will leave his W, though I become more doubtful day by day.
Katch22 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I can relate to your situation except for the part of not knowing! Please go and read my post named "Here's a real DOOZY?!?!" I posted my story there. I have a daughter who worships the ground that my guy walks on. Everytime she hears me on the phone she asks me mommy are you and him gonna get back together. She doesn't even ask for her father as much as she ask for him. I'm also very independent. I own my home, horses(3), animals(dogs,cats&bird) I'm very succesful at my career and don't need a man in my life but I love him. He makes me feel safe and complete for the first time in my life. It was LOVE at first sight. From what you wrote about your friends I know about that too. They call me everyday to get an update and when everything crashed they crashed with me. They held there breathe everytime my phone would ring waiting for him to call. It also sounds like his job is a government job that requires him to drive a work car around all day. Cause mine does. Well I don't know if I'm able to give you advice but I atleast can tell you I understand.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 HOW happy other woman, UHOW Unhappy other woman. You are right in your comments about being lied to. I know now how much he is capable of lying, and have told him that I question him. I don't like that feeling. Remember that feeling. If you continue with him, you'll feel that feeling ALOT. It bothers me that I cannot yet detach from him. I guess in part I am holding out for hope that once the dust settles he will leave his W, though I become more doubtful day by day. He won't ever leave his wife. Get out now while you can and your heart isn't smashed into pieces. I know you're hurting right now but imagine the pain in another year or two...It isn't worth it!! You should be worth more than becoming an OW. End it with him, grieve and talk to your friends, keep busy. One day when you're ready a single guy will love you and just you.
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