Dating confusion

[Miss Peach]

Continue vetting these men but #3 sounds the best if you can get the chemistry to grow.

 

I met a guy that sounded a lot like #1 but I always friend zoned him. We wanted different things and he really didn't have much of a chance of being able to build a career in my city. I am a single parent so in the same position as you about not being able to relocate easily. I wouldn't get emotionally involved with a guy who you will never be able to bridge that life with unless you're just looking for fun while he's in town.

 

#2 sounds like he has a long way to go before being emotionally available. I would only proceed with him for fun at this time.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Miss Peach

[spiderowl]

Guy number 1 clearly likes you and knows you fairly well.  However, he is long distance.  If he gets too involved with you too quickly - like staying at yours for a few days - it is likely to turn into you hosting him every time he visits the area.  The alternative is for you to drive to see him on a regular basis - are you likely to do that?  If he finds he can stay with you, he will have no need to set up alternative arrangements and, I suspect, will not get round to a place in between both of your locations.  The thing in his favour is you have had a connection for a while and that is important; something has kept you meeting every so often.

Guy number 2 may be trying psychedelic therapy to relieve depression.  It is just starting to become a thing and may become mainstream before too long.  However, like anything else, it is only time that will tell us whether it really does work.  The guy is making efforts to help himself, which is far better than someone who has problems and is in denial.  I would not leap into anything with him though, you'd be better getting to know him over a period of time to see how things go.

Guy number 3 is a bit of an unknown quantity.  Sounds nice, thoughtful, makes an effort.  It doesn't mean he is perfect because you don't know him yet, but things look promising.

Dating too many people feels very confusing.  It only happened to me once but after a short period of time one fell by the wayside because I didn't feel any major attraction and one of the others suddenly seemed much more attractive.  I met the other and he was nice but not my type, so that ruled him out.  I think it's worth sticking with the confused feeling for a while to see if any of these guys rule themselves out by their behaviour anyway.  I was honest with the guys I met and said I was dating others at first.  I don't think lying about these things helps.  Of course, any of the guys might feel that is not right for them and opt out, but I am sure if you feel that would be a great loss to you, that in itself tells you something about who you prefer.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered guy #4?

Not long distance. Not on mushrooms. Not zero chemistry?

Right out of your divorce, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

You're still on being single dating/relationship training wheels so there's too much wobbling right now.

Enjoy the ride, don't scrape your knees too much and look both ways before you cross the street.

The dating training wheels will eventually come off, so don't make permanent decisions right now.

[DatingMom]

Hello! So felt like posting an update here. Dating confusion continues!! 

I've eliminated guy # 3. He was clearly extremely into me, and after two dates and a dozen phone calls, two make out sessions, I decided that I just didn't feel the chemistry, and that since he seemed to feel quite differently about me, it wasn't fair on my part to lead him on.

Guy #2 is still around. I haven't seen him in a few weeks because we are in lockdown here and he felt he needed to discuss with his ex wife what their protocol is, if they were both fine with the other seeing people (in the sense of Covid risk relation, nothing else). Took a while to sort out. I will be seeing him next week. We have been talking on the phone regularly, and I would say overall things are pleasant. He's a bit eccentric, but I like him. I'm not super excited about him, but we have a really good time when we hang out, good chemistry, nice conversations on the phone. He makes me feel comfortable. 

As for guy #1 (the long distance one) there has been extra confusion with that one. He was coming into town for his friend's birthday, and I encouraged him to stay somewhere else and didn't actually see him that week (we were supposed to, but I was feeling very confused about how I felt about that situation, so I postponed with reasons relating to covid concerns etc.). As he was extending his stay at his friends' hoping to see me before going back, I finally agreed to see him on Thursday. He asked if he could stay over, saying "on the sofa or something, of course!", and I agreed. I was kind of in the mindset of "we'll see where this goes" and I'm willing to give it a try. We had actually discussed the "kiss" event over text a week earlier. I brought it up as "hey, I just want to address the elephant in the room". He had said that he was a bit confused about the whole thing, and that he needed to think about it. I agreed.

So, when he came over on Thursday, after dinner, as we were having a drink in the living room, he suddenly brought up the topic again as "so we should continue the conversation about "us". "  We kind of went around in circles for a few hours. He said he would be open to traveling here, he would love me to visit. I could even bring the kids. He loves kids. He would be happy to be a step-dad, although of course that's jumping ahead and of course he would only meet the kids if it's serious etc. But then he was also saying that he was hoping to find that same connection he has with me with someone locally, and in that sense he feels he would like to give "us" a try, but also continuing dating locally. And of course I would do the same. Then we somehow started talking about other stuff without ever finishing that conversation. Also, despite all the talk about how attracted he was to me, he didn't even make a move to kiss me! It was very confusing. Then, he slept in the guest room, and the next morning he just kept hanging out. I wasn't working that day, so it was fine, but he actually canceled 2 meetings in the morning and stayed for lunch and only left at 2 pm. We had so many intense conversations about so many things, but somehow the topic of "us" remained in limbo. I thought of addressing it, but then felt too tired (we went to bed late, got up early) to talk about it then. Also, I wasn't quite sure about how I felt about the whole thing, and wanted to talk to one of my friends later that day to get her opinion on the situation.

I thought I'd wait to see when and what he texts first after that strange kiss-less and sex-less 20 hours (I was totally expecting both. Usually men can't keep their hands off me! haha). He sent me a text late at night (I was already sleeping) to thank me for hosting etc. So, this morning I texted back saying: I thought about our discussion that I feel was left unfinished. And I'd be open to discussing how we could make giving-this-a-try happen. I suggested letting me know when would be a good time for him to have a phone conversation. I sent the text 6 hours ago: no reply! So confusing! 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

Guy #2 is still around. I will be seeing him next week. He's a bit eccentric, but I like him. I'm not super excited about him, but we have a really good time when we hang out, good chemistry, nice conversations on the phone. He makes me feel comfortable. 

guy #1 he was also saying that he was hoping to find that same connection he has with me with someone locally, and in that sense he feels he would like to give "us" a try, but also continuing dating locally. 

Gut #2 sounds interesting, but how do you feel about the psychedelic therapy? As for guy #1. Do you  feel ok with the bed and breakfast with benefits thing he's suggesting?

[DatingMom]

haha! Yeah the psychedelic therapy! I'm ok with it. As I think I had mentioned, he first tried it because he was recommended it to treat some psychosomatic pain. He wasn't super convinced that it would work. He's an engineer so practical and down to earth, but open minded so was willing to give it a shot, and was surprised how well it works. 

As for guy #1: what I had wanted to suggest to him not in a text but in a discussion over the phone, was to say: I'm ok with your proposal but for a limited time period. For example, give it two months. During that time, I'm willing to visit you once a month and you have to come here twice a month. At the end of the 2-month period, we reassess and either we continue as exclusive and find a way to make it work, or we go back to just being friends. I actually feel ok with not being exclusive while we try it out because I agree with his assessment that although we do seem to be a good fit, it would be ideal to find that same connection locally. So, I would actually also like to keep that option open while exploring whether we like each other enough to endure a long-distance relationship. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

haha! Yeah the psychedelic therapy! I'm ok with it. As I think I had mentioned, he first tried it because he was recommended it to treat some psychosomatic pain. 

As for guy #1:  I'm ok with your proposal but for a limited time period. For example, give it two months. 

Ok. Guy #1, great plan.

Guy #2 believe or not, prestigious medical schools and affiliated hospitals are opening psychedelic psychiatry departments. So it's not that out there.

Trivia: LSD was originally developed as a treatment for psychotic disorders, but abandoned due to hallucinations as a side effect.

[Gaeta]

Guy / 1: is a waste of your time.

His offer is to date locally to find someone and during that time you'll fill in the empty slot. There is noway you and him will develop anything of substance by visiting 2 times a month for the next 2 months. I'm surprised you are even considering this. 

Guy / 2: Is local, you like him, you think he's cool but nothing further will develop as long as you hang on to the idea of being with guy number 1. 

[DatingMom]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Guy / 1: is a waste of your time.

His offer is to date locally to find someone and during that time you'll fill in the empty slot. There is noway you and him will develop anything of substance by visiting 2 times a month for the next 2 months. I'm surprised you are even considering this. 

Guy / 2: Is local, you like him, you think he's cool but nothing further will develop as long as you hang on to the idea of being with guy number 1. 

He lives 4.5 hours away. It's really quite far. For me the idea would be to make it a 3-4 day trip each time. So in total we would spend like 6-8 days together per month which is in fact more than seeing someone locally once a week. I think more than once a month for each of us visiting the other would be honestly too taxing. 

[Gaeta]

I know from the start your favorite is number 1, so go ahead and give it a try. 

Personally I would not put my money on a man that offers me *lets see each other but continue dating locally* 

[Phallacy]

One of the reasons I stopped online dating. You wind up thinking your someone special and a prize. It’s intoxicating. All these options! 
I get more satisfaction with the attention in my inbox then actually meeting anyone.

I reached a point where I’m just fine with a full inbox and the illusion that I can be with somebody at any time and never choose. It feels like I’m gorging on cheesecake and chocolates. Yummy!

[DatingMom]

3 hours ago, Phallacy said:

One of the reasons I stopped online dating. You wind up thinking your someone special and a prize. It’s intoxicating. All these options! 
I get more satisfaction with the attention in my inbox then actually meeting anyone.

I reached a point where I’m just fine with a full inbox and the illusion that I can be with somebody at any time and never choose. It feels like I’m gorging on cheesecake and chocolates. Yummy!

I actually disagree. I really don't enjoy having too many messages. I find it very overwhelming and time consuming. I prefer, generally, to focus on one person, and see if that goes somewhere before going back to the app. This is kind of exceptional circumstances. 

[smackie9]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Guy #1, great plan.

Guy #2 believe or not, prestigious medical schools and affiliated hospitals are opening psychedelic psychiatry departments. So it's not that out there.

Trivia: LSD was originally developed as a treatment for psychotic disorders, but abandoned due to hallucinations as a side effect.

LSD was actually invented to stimulate the respiratory and circulatory systems. It was abandoned because the lab animals were not giving the proper results. It wasn't til later the scientist/inventor decided to try it out on himself, and discovered the results of it's hallucinatory properties. Later Nazi scientists encouraged the CIA to use it as truth serum during the cold war on Soviet spies. And of course chemistry students got a hold of the formula and were making it themselves during the 60's/70's for recreational use, but was phased out by cocaine/meth. Today it's now being used to help terminally ill cancer patients, to deal with their anxiety of pending death. The tripping, with a counselor helps relieve their stress, feeling more at peace. Even magic mushrooms are making a come back.

Edited April 18, 2021 by smackie9

[smackie9]

OP just start eliminating the one that is a waste of time for you. And then work from there and continue meeting new people until you find the right one. IMO if you are uncertain about someone, then they are not the one to invest in. It only take one to be the one. I understand it's real hard to keep your emotions in check with all this stimulation/attention. One day at a time you will get there.

Edited April 18, 2021 by smackie9