DatingMom Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 Feeling a little confused, and wondering if it's just me or if other people have been in situations like these before. I'm a single mom and have been divorced for a number of years. Shortly after my separation I had met someone and fell madly in love. Things moved pretty quickly and everything looked promising. But, long story short, he was someone who had been struggling with depression his whole life. I only found this out almost a year into the relationship, and eventually I realized that I had to walk away from as he was unwilling to help himself get better. I was pretty devastated but felt like I made the right choice. It took me a while to recover from this (that separation somehow was worse than then end of my marriage). Fast forward to the fall. I finally felt I was ready to date again. I met quite a few people, some interesting, others less so. I had multiple dates with some, slept with a couple, but nothing really worked out. Then Holidays came along, and after the Holidays lockdowns and a very busy period at work. I was browsing the dating apps once in a while, went on two freezing cold socially-distanced walks in January, but nothing I wanted to pursue. As it was all a little frustrating (and cold!) and that I was quite busy, I took a little rest from dating. Finally, about a month ago I decided to give it another try. I am not desperate to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone in my life again. Covid especially made me realize the importance of relationships, of that special connection with someone else. A few weeks ago, I went on a date with this man that I got along quite well, so we saw each other again. Although I liked him a lot, I tried not to have any expectations as I had at this point gone on enough dates to know better than to suddenly stop dating other people and put all my hopes on one person. We had another date set up for yesterday evening. Since this was my kid-free weekend, I had also made some other plans, ones for Saturday afternoon for drinks with a friend, and a first date with someone else I met online today, Sunday afternoon. So, Saturday afternoon I go for drinks with this friend. The friend in question is kind of a colleague of my ex husband. They don't work for the same employer but are colleagues by profession but he lives in a different city (5 hours away). He would often be in town for conferences and we would organize dinners at our place for the out-of-towners. Over the years, I have got to know him quite well, and as we had many shared interests we would get along really well and eventually became friends. So after my separation whenever he was in town for work, we would meet up for dinner or drinks. About a year and a half ago, while I was dating that other guy, we went for dinner and he told me that he was attracted to me (we were both in relationships at the time). He's an excellent communicator and we were able to have a very honest conversation about it. We both agreed that even if we were both single, that a long-distance relationship wasn't something either of us wanted, and why ruin such a nice friendship. We never discussed it again, for which I was glad. In all honesty, even if he were closer and we were both single, I wasn't sure I was attracted to him in that way. So, yesterday we meet for drinks. We had a great conversation. He had been single for about 8 months, and we were exchanging dating stories. I recommended a few dating apps that he hadn't tried, etc. As I had a dinner date with that guy I had seen twice before, I told him I had to leave because I had a date. As we parted ways on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, he suddenly kissed me and we kissed like teenagers for quite a while in the midsts of people passing by. It was very surprised and hadn't expected this at all (we had met up a few times since he broke up with his girlfriend and although we were both single nothing had ever happened beyond two friends catching up). It was also really nice, and I was surprised to realize that I was actually attracted to him. As I was pondering those very confusing thoughts (and he was sending me a million messages as he was walking back), I was walking to my dinner date with this other guy. My head was spinning a little bit to be honest. But then I tried to remind myself that this guy actually lived in my city, was available and seemed interested, and that I should focus on him and process those other thoughts later. When I arrived at the restaurant my mind relaxed as he flashed me a beautiful smile, happy to see me. We had a very nice time. After dinner we went for a walk and he kissed me on a bench in the park (we had kissed on our second date also), and it was nice and I actually really liked the guy. He asked me if I wanted to go to his place for another drink and I agreed (knowing of course that we would most likely have sex, which we did). I didn't sleep over though although he asked me to. Then the next morning (today) I wake up feeling a bit confused about the events of Saturday. Then I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to go on another date in the afternoon. I felt like cancelling, but then the guy I was supposed to meet was sending me all those really sweet messages about how much he was looking forward to meeting me, etc. I felt bad cancelling so I went. The guy turned out to be really great actually. On a normal day I would have thought I hit the jackpot. As my parents were coming over for dinner later, I had to go back. He offered to give me a lift and since there was torrential rain I accepted. As we parted in the car, he kissed me! I was not expecting that! I pulled away and said "sorry, this was really nice but I really have to go, my parents will be here any minute". As I was working on my dinner, suddenly I get this very lengthy text from the guy saying something about how he was so smitten he saw stars. So, after nearly a year of dating drought, suddenly everyone is interested. And I feel dizzy and confused. After my parents left, I went for a walk to clear my mind. I feel that if I'm completely honest with myself, and if all things were equal, I would want to pursue things with the colleague of my ex-husband, although that seems completely impossible. I also feel kind of mad at him for having made that move because it created this unnecessary confusion in my life. Anyway, what are the expressions? Feast or famine? When it rains it pours? Has anyone been in this type of situation also?
Happy Lemming Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 51 minutes ago, DatingMom said: I feel that if I'm completely honest with myself, and if all things were equal, I would want to pursue things with the colleague of my ex-husband, although that seems completely impossible. Long Distance Relationships are really tough. I did try to date one woman who lived 5 hours away. We had dated a few years prior and she had moved to take care of her sick father. She said she never really got over me and wanted me back in her life. She tried to date other men, but missed me. I really did try to do the drive, every third weekend I'd go up and see her, but the driving took its toll on me, I just couldn't do it. I tried leaving work early on Friday, that didn't work. I tried driving at night, that didn't work. Her car was rolling junk and would have never made the trip to see me. I think you should try to date men that are local.
Wiseman2 Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 It's great you are having fun and things are coming your way. Ok, your head is spinning, so just slow down a bit and reflect. 3
Miss Peach Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 I'm seeing a similar trend with interest. It's getting warmer and more things are opening so it seems like the singles are coming out lol I would think things through a bit before getting attached. Remember what you're looking for and see who may be checking the boxes. Long distance is difficult so I'm with you on that as it's not something I could do. It's dating so I would just enjoy things and see if anything develops.
Author DatingMom Posted March 29, 2021 Author Posted March 29, 2021 Thanks for the comments. I have never been in a long distance relationship so am not entirely sure what that's like. I can imagine that being difficult even though we both have some flexibility with our work, and going forth and back might be workable. At the same time, I have young kids and definitely couldn't even consider moving before another decade or more. And he's in a very specialized field where in my town there is maybe one job availability every 5 years or so.
ShyViolet Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 Oh I've found myself in situations like this when I was younger and dating a lot. It's called multi-dating, there's nothing wrong with it. Just don't give anyone the impression of exclusivity and keep things casual until things progress with one person. I absolutely think you should not enter into a long distance relationship. It just makes no sense; you'd be setting yourself up for a difficult situation where you rarely get to see the person. Having to travel back and forth to see someone is a huge waste of time and gets old really fast. It sounds like a relationship with the long-distance guy would have no future. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 Lol a very nice story for a change! Well yeah when it rains it pours. I think it does tend to happen--because of positive feelings within you and then it makes you super attractive and all things go your way. That's the simple explanation. About the friend/ex-husband colleague, he might be long distance which IS hard BUT you actually have the most data and history with him and know him. Sounds like there is a deep friendship there already. So he's "proven" in this way. Probably not that hard to somewhat accurately imagine what the relationship with him would be like if you've spent a lot of time with him and know him well. The two other dates, you probably don't have as much information. Do you think the friend would ever be able to relocate or would you? I guess that's really a little ahead of things but I would do as wisemen suggesting and just keep exploring all 3 relationships for a little bit so you can figure out which is the best guy for you. Good luck 1
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 (edited) That's a nice problem to have I personally would not date a man long distance with no chance at closing that distance in next 10 years. Long distance relationship are hard when you're by yourself so with 2 little ones it's a recipe for another heartache. I would be wary of a man telling me he's attracted toward me while he's married. I don't think he's a good prospect for you. It would probably end after a couple of sex nights and he'd disappear. I would continue going on dates with your 2 local guys and then pick one among those 2. Edited March 29, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Versacehottie Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 Good point about the 10 years. I think he only told her he was attracted to her while he was dating someone else, not married if I understood correctly. Still not the best thing to do though. I think though with the two new guys lots of things can happen that don't guarantee a good relationship or lasting one. She probably needs more information to make her decision.
Brooke02 Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 I would continue dating the two new guys, at least a few more dates.
Author DatingMom Posted March 30, 2021 Author Posted March 30, 2021 Thanks for your feedback. And to answer some of your questions, the out-of-towner was not married when he said that he was attracted to me. In fact, he was never married and has no kids. Not that he is not able or unwilling to commit. We had a lot of discussions about relationships actually. In some ways, after my separation that is what made us bond. We both have a history of partnering up with people who have issues. My guy with depression, and previously my husband was a narcissist which is something that took me a long time to realize. His journey is very similar to mine, except worse: he dated someone who was diagnosed with psychopathy, and another that was schizophrenic (that was the woman he was dating when he said he was attracted to me). He's been doing therapy for about two years now to understand why he is attracted to those people, and I had been doing therapy to also understand my patterns. So this is something else that we talked a lot about, and bonded over. @Versacehottie: relocation would be hard for either of us. He's a professor so his schedule is kind of flexible though. He doesn't need to go into work every day, and only needs to be in town from September to mid-april. So that's a plus. He also mentioned that given he has a lot of family where I live, he wanted to look into buying a chalet or something halfway. Although halfway is still 2-3 hours of course. On my end, I can't relocate because of the kids. My ex-husband would have to relocate with me which is clearly not going to happen. As for the two local guys, they are both recently separated (like 6-9 months) which is a bit of a red flag I guess, although both were the ones to leave. But I am keeping this in the back of my mind however. The first guy (the one I slept with), seems to have had a difficult marriage, and I get the sense that there might be some damage there that could take time to heal. He was telling me how for the last 4 years of their marriage, his ex refused to be touched, and made him sleep in a separate bedroom. He was miserable but stayed for the kids (until he finally couldn't take it anymore). When we had sex he seemed kind of stressed and I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was afraid of falling in love again. I think there's a lot of hurt that he has not recovered from. He's very sweet and honest about his feelings, which I like a lot. But I'm just a bit worried about discovering mental health issues there, especially after my previous experience. So I'm approaching the whole thing with caution. The third guy, although only separated since 9 months, seems very well adjusted. I mean, we only had one date and a few phone calls, so I can't really say I know much about him at all. From what I see though *so far*, he seems pretty grounded and well-adjusted to his new circumstances. He even got the whole separation thing very well organized, and in such a short period of time, figured out the all the specifics of the separation and already filed his divorce papers. So, I haven't really detected any major red flags. He seems very lovely in fact. This evening, he texted me this recording of a song he played on the guitar and sang for me. It was so sweet. But given my head feels a bit full with the other two guys, I just don't really feel that spark at the moment, although from an objective point of view I feel he might be the better choice.
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Post divorce "kid in a candy store" is a fun time. Ride with it. Make no decisions at this time. 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 30, 2021 Posted March 30, 2021 Most long distance relationships don't work.
Versacehottie Posted March 30, 2021 Posted March 30, 2021 (edited) I'm still for dating all 3. No one is pushing you to decide just yet. And I think the best one for you will rise to the top. If I were to guess I would think 1 (long distance friend) and the newest guy (stable one) are the best bets. Know I'm in the minority with this Good luck *ps you would want to avoid rushing to decide so you don't have significant regret about choices you feel rushed to make. There's no rush IMO Edited March 30, 2021 by Versacehottie 1
Author DatingMom Posted April 3, 2021 Author Posted April 3, 2021 So development since the last week. Need some more input! I haven't seen the long distance guy because he's not in town. We've been communicating regularly but I was generally the one initiating. Once that done though, he wouldn't stop texting and usually switch to phone. I feel though that he is a bit undecided about the whole thing - as am I ! On the other hand, he was planning on coming to town for a friend's birthday next weekend, and asked if he could come a few days early and stay with me for 2-3 days. Guy #2 I haven't seen because he was super busy with work. He had some big emergency to deal with and had to go out of town to settle things. We talked on the phone daily though and I'll admit that I really like his personality. That being said, he's definitely a bit weird. He was doing a psychedelic therapy session yesterday to get rid of past ghosts (although there's a long story there, he's not super duper into that kind of stuff), and he's vegan, doesn't drink alcohol, etc. So doesn't align that well with my lifestyle. But we really get along. Guy #3 I've seen. He texts and calls all the time. In a respectful manner. As our schedules with the kids didn't align, he got a baby sitter and took me out to this very nice restaurant, and we had a great conversation. He's smart, cultured, well-read, well traveled, he even plays guitar! He's stable and doesn't seem to have psychological issues. He seems like the right choice, expect I don't really feel that chemistry! It's so frustrating! Any thoughts?
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 10 minutes ago, DatingMom said: He's stable and doesn't seem to have psychological issues. He seems like the right choice, expect I don't really feel that chemistry! It's so frustrating! Any thoughts? In women chemistry can grow within a few dates. If you want a better success at relationship you have to pick your partner with your brain. If you are middle aged you know building relationships on butterflies and sparks isn't solid enough ground. Concentrate on this 3rd guy. Drop guy number 2. Guy number 1 is about to eliminate himself. It will never take off the ground, like I said earlier this long distance guy will disappear after he gets his sex fix with you.
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 7 hours ago, DatingMom said: Guy# 1 He was planning on coming to town for a friend's birthday next weekend, and asked if he could come a few days early and stay with me for 2-3 days. Guy #2 He was doing a psychedelic therapy session yesterday to get rid of past ghosts Guy #3 He seems like the right choice, expect I don't really feel that chemistry! It's so frustrating! Gotta love #2. . # 3 there's no chemistry, so? #1 is long distance so that's tricky.
cleverusername Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 How many times have you seen guy #1? I get its a LDR type deal but asking to stay with you for a few days seems a little..... fast? Especially if you aren't sure of him 100% and you have your kid around. Just my thoughts Guy #2- Gone Guy #3- Date some more but don't settle. Dinner date is a weird way to get to know someone, especially a fancy one early on. Do an activity that way you can get a better indication of what he is like in normal everyday settings, not some stuffy 'best foot forward' type deal. If you don't have chemistry then it's time to move on.
Versacehottie Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 I don't know which to pick but I'd say to keep dating all 3. There's still no rush, which is a nice lull so you can figure out which one. Lol #1 & #3 are still my favorites. But I guess that is because I got the sense that #2 was a little out there and might not align with you, OP. But if you are having fun and getting along, there is still more to figure out. No hurry, I don't think
Dis Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 Having options is a great thing so don't squander it by choosing unwisely Vet these guys, everyone of them, as in, do they have what you want in a partner and then chose from there AFTER you've seen enough from them to settle on one which can take some time. Don't feel like you have to rush because you don't. Take your time and clear your head as much as you can. Enjoy it and have fun! 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 Years ago I had six boyfriends. I went to a counselor and he told me to just pick one and concentrate on him alone. Best advice I ever got. He told me my energy was going out in six different directions so that I wouldn't be able to make a good decision about any of them. 1
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 7 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Years ago I had six boyfriends. I went to a counselor and he told me to just pick one and concentrate on him alone. Best advice I ever got. He told me my energy was going out in six different directions so that I wouldn't be able to make a good decision about any of them. A Russian proverb says: If you chase 2 rabbits you will not catch either one. I'm sure it's the same proverb for 3 rabbits 1 1
trident_2020 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 I couldn't take a girl seriously who believes she's haunted by ghosts. If she was hot I'd probably date her for a while but I wouldn't fool myself into thinking there was any sort of future there.
Author DatingMom Posted April 5, 2021 Author Posted April 5, 2021 Long distance guy I've know for years through my ex husband. But since I'm separated, I have seen him maybe 10 times by myself. I'm not sure that I'm 100% comfortable him staying with me for a few days. It's not like we are in a relationship. Although kids won't be here the days he thinks coming. Guy 2: the ghost comment was mine. It's sounds out there, but the therapy makes sense. He's not some crazy hippy or something. He's actually an engineer so was very suspicious of this kind of therapy. But he does have a lot of things in his past beyond the difficult relationship he had with his ex (who seems to have some mental issues), he also has a lot of demons form the past: alcoholic father, bipolar mom. Given my previous experience with someone struggling with depression, I'm just a bit worried that there might be some issues coming out there. He does seem very self aware (hence the no drinking: he doesn't want to become his dad), and have things under control. Guy 3: He's been texting and calling me a lot. He's SO into me, it's a bit overwhelming, especially since I'm not sure how I feel about him. I really enjoy the conversations we have, and I definitely like him, it's just the psychical attraction that's tricky. He's not bad looking: tall and in very good shape. But he's 50 (I'm 43), and although he looks really good for his age, he does look older than the men I usually date. And he's not exactly my "type".
Versacehottie Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 Definitely tell guy #1 that you don't want to move really fast and he needs to stay in a hotel & you can spend time together otherwise. Makes sense to proceed with caution so you don't blow up the friendship. Also so you are not thrust into playing house and having a ton of time together in like a vacation way when you aren't there yet as a couple, especially as at your place it would perhaps be a pressure cooker. Yeah with guy #2, I'd be wary of his baggage. Just how I would play it, doesn't mean I'm right. Guy ## well he sounds very stable and into you. I guess you will know if you date him a couple more times if you do end up feeling chemistry. Beyond that, I wouldn't force it. Actually I would advise trying to get those 2 dates in really quickly so you know what to do with him and could at least narrow it down to 2 guys (rabbits!) before guy #1 shows up in town.
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