To divorce, or not to divorce, that is the question

[Aaron_Wallace]

Hi guys and gals, 

Hope you are all doing well.

My wife with whom I have separated for over a year, got in touch earlier this year asking for a no-fault divorce (we live in Ca).
She wants it to be a process where we both apply for it.

I have expressed that I am not keen to file for divorce and that I still do have feelings for her.
She ignored my expression. I have now accepted the situation.

Has been a few months so far and she has not filed the divorce herself and we have stayed in no contact.
1. Also, as much as I do want to make this marriage work, it takes two to tango and she at the moment could not care less.
Which leaves with the option of filing for it myself and serving her the notice as she does not even want to meet for discussing about how to proceed with the divorce.
I just feel that by filing for the divorce I can just end things and move on and heal. To hold on to hope and to heal is impossible.

2. To complicate things her birthday is soon coming up and am wondering should I wish her or not?
(Maybe I am still hopeful)

3. I am wondering:

• 1. why would she want to file for joint divorce application
• 2. why would she wait so many months without even applying it herself

Any thoughts would be most appreciated.

Cheers!

Edited March 29, 2021 by Aaron_Wallace

[Watercolors]

Hi Aaron, 

Did you hire a divorce attorney? Are you seeing a counselor? These are two licensed people who could really help you navigate the complicated waters of separation and divorce. 

Do you two have children together? 

I looked up joint divorce filing on the internet on law firm websites. The main reason people use this joint filing is to have a mandatory cooling off period during the legal separation. It leaves it open for couples to reconcile before they petition for their divorce.

Then, when couples agree on all of their issues, they file a joint agreement. Like I said, you should really consult with a divorce attorney as he/she could explain it to you better esp. giving you insight into why. 

Basically, a joint filing is an uncontested divorce petition. That means, you don't disagree and you don't want to reconcile. You really should hire a divorce attorney. Go to your city's local legal aid office and ask for pro bono divorce attorney help. 

[Aaron_Wallace]

Hi Watercolors, 

Thank you for your reply.
No children.

So, have sought legal advice and it was said that
1. she can apply it all by herself.
2. she can also ask for it to be done together

I have tried to do marriage counselling but she was not interested in it.

[Marc878]

27 minutes ago, Aaron_Wallace said:

To complicate things her birthday is soon coming up and am wondering should I wish her or not?(Maybe I am still hopeful)

I am wondering:

• 1. why would she want to file for joint divorce application
• 2. why would she wait so many months without even applying it herself

 

You’re correct. You alone cannot make a marriage work.
 

Smells like she had another man? Your post is kinda vague. 
 

If so she’s probably tried him out to make sure before wanting divorce. 

Just let her go. That way you free yourself. If not you’ll stay tied up in hopium for longer than you need to be. You’ve already wasted a year on this. That’s time/life you won’t get back. 
 

Ignore her birthday like she’s ignored you. You owe her nothing.

[Watercolors]

Just now, Aaron_Wallace said:

Hi Watercolors, 

Thank you for your reply.
No children.

So, have sought legal advice and it was said that
1. she can apply it all by herself.
2. she can also ask for it to be done together

I have tried to do marriage counselling but she was not interested in it.

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. 

Unfortunately, if your wife rejected your marriage counseling suggestion and she has remained 'no contact' that makes reconciliation less likely for you. 

I know you still have feelings for your wife. Perhaps you can reach out to her one last time to tell her this and wait to see if she responds, before you go through with filing for divorce from her. 

[Marc878]

If you chase they just move farther away. She’s been gone a year and ignored your last proposal.

Don't get stuck in the I love her so she must love me too syndrome.  Her actions tell you she’s gone.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Marc878

[Wiseman2]

Just pull the trigger. Why drag it out? The sooner you get it over with the better.

How long were you married? Are there assets, pensions, etc to work out?

 

[Blind-Sided]

If she doesn't want it to work... then there is no fixing it.  Just go file yourself.   As @Wiseman2 said... "Why drag it out?"

[d0nnivain]

While I agree with everyone who posted above that this is dead in the water, you aren't ready to hear that yet. 

I have no idea why she hasn't pulled the trigger & wants a joint application. Maybe she doesn't want the guilt of divorcing you so she thinks it will be less if you agree to this.  Maybe she can't afford the filing fee.  Maybe she just doesn't care & is OK with the status quo, whatever that is. 

Do you know if she's dating somebody else?  That is a critical piece of info. 

While you are still married, you can't go NC.  You have too much to talk about to separate your lives.  NC is for after when it's time to heal & break apart.  

Since you still (foolishly) love her & want her back, go ahead reach out & wish her a happy birthday.  Personally I'd be passive aggressive about it & get her a book about healing a marriage.  Tell her in a few sentences (no more than 10) your vision for a path toward reconciliation.  There's a very small, microscopic chance that will work.  More likely she will emotionally kick you in the gonads for your efforts.  Perhaps that will spur you into saving yourself & taking action.  You may need this to squelch that last bit of hope you are holding on to.