SadNDepressed Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Ok, I know that I won't be liked very much for this post, but I am desperate for some feedback. I have been so sick from this I have lost 10 pounds in the past week and I can't keep anything down. I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years but together for almost 8. We have 3 wonderful children ages 6,4 and 1. Things have ALWAYS been rocky for many different reasons. He cheated in the past, left me, etc. I was always loyal and have done everything and anything for him. 2 years ago I started to become unhappy, and this has just continued getting worse as each new day comes. I feel unloved and unappreciated. 2 months ago we started becoming good friends with our neighbours. One of the neighbours and I became good friends. That was it. But I somehow developed feelings for him. I told my husband over and over how I felt about our marriage but he told me that he won't change and if I didn't like it to leave. Maybe I should've, I don't know, I was too scared. So I have feelings for this neighbour and until a week ago it has begun getting sexual, only having sex once. It should've never happened, I always tried to stop it but not good enough yet. I can't help the feelings I have for this man and I wish these feelings would go away. The other neighbour discovered what was going on. I told hubby, well I didn't tell him we had sex but just that something was going on. I was scared and didn't want him to learn from someone else. He is really upset, and so he should be. I love him to death but I don't know if I am in love with him anymore. I owe him to devote myself to this marriage and I am going too but I can't stop thinking about this neighbour. I am so upset too as I figure we won't be friends anymore, our houses are attached so it makes it really hard. All I want is happiness but I guess I will never get that nor deserve it.
hooghie Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Did you do this to get your husband's attention or have you fallen in love with this guy? Do you think you can be happy with your husband? It doesn't seem like he is willing to work on your relationship if his constant response is 'then leave.' Well, maybe you SHOULD leave.
Michael86 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 You have 2 choices. You can make a commitment to work on your marriage which means NO contact with this guy. Although I don't know how you're going to manage that with him living next door. Or you can leave your husband and get a divorce, free to pursue a relationship with this guy. These were your choices before you decided to f*#k this guy. Now it's even more complicated. For your children's sake, I hope you work it out with your husband despite the fact that you cheated. I wonder.....does this neighbor of yours feel the same about you?
kewllady123 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Are you sure your not making this up?? For real, you have been married for 1.5 years, and you have 3 children with a guy who's cheated on you a lot, then you married him after you became unhappy with the relationship? Is that supposed to be some kind of insult? Some people actually do use this forum for real advice, you know. Find something better to do with your time
Author SadNDepressed Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 First of all I want to say thank you to all who read my post. I have been doing alot of thinking. To the one who yelled at me. I know it sounds silly that we married. We have always had problems and yes why would I marry him. I did it because I felt like it would maybe make our relationship better. He was so wonderful a month before marraige and I was also pregnant with our third child at the time and was scared of him leaving me again. I have always loved him so much and was just wanting my kids to have their father around. He is a wonderful father, when we are together, other than that he will never come around. I am sorry you find my story such a waste. I was hoping to get some help, not symathy, but not rudness either. You are right, I put myself in a bad situation. I probably deserve all the bad I can get.
Spectre Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 First of all I call BS on this line: "So I have feelings for this neighbour and until a week ago it has begun getting sexual, only having sex once. It should've never happened, I always tried to stop it but not good enough yet." I'm gonna be as nice about this as possible: do you suffer from any mental diseases? or better yet, have you ever seen star wars? there is no TRY, there is do or there is dont, I dont believe for one second you tried to stop it, how did you? did you say "no"? cuz I mean, theres no ambiguity in that response, if you told him NO and he still forced you into it, guess what? its rapes, which I doubt happened, if ur gonna come tell us u boned some other guy other than your husband, no need to lie about it, unless youre the type of chick who likes it when a guy forces sex on her? if so get that checked out as well its not healthy, I always see every single girl who bangs a guy behind her bf/husbands back with the same excuse "i tried to stop it" no, what I bet happened is that you thought to yourself it was wrong but did nothing about it and next: do you even plan on telling your husband exactly what happened? if not, kiss your marriage goodbye
suegail Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Don't beat yourself up like this. It's obvious you honestly feel terrible about what happened, and people make mistakes....we get ourselves into situations that are not good. At least you're not on here blaming the entire rest of the world because you did what you did. You are taking the blame; you are accepting the responsibility. I don't know if you are able to move away, but it might be something to talk over with your husband considering all that's happened. If you really want to make your marriage work, tell your husband that, and tell him that more than anything you need his help. It would hopefully be good for your children to have you together...(you did say he's a great father) Work on the problems, work together. Maybe this will be an eye opening experience for your husband and he'll realize how desperate you became for affection, and he'll be ready to try with a better attitude than he's shown in the past. I hope it all does work out for you and I hope you will be happy...you do deserve happiness - believe that... God Bless...
sylviaguardian Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 SadNdepressed, YOu say you want happiness - I guess you just went about trying to find it the wrong way. What you need to do is dit down and try to work out what it is that you want. You say you love your husband so much but you're not in love with him. What does this mean? Do you mean that you don't have those 'in love' feelings (they don't happen in long-term relationships anyway) or is it something deeper than this? You say he refused to change. What did he refuse to change? You also say he cheated and left you. Was this ever addressed? Is this part of the reason why you stopped loving him? Did he cheat/leave after you had children together? You say you married him because you were afraid that he would leave. This is NOT a good reason to get married and sounds like he has all the power in the relationship. Why do you think that you cannot devote yourself to your marriage? Is it because your husband could not devote himself? Do you love your neighbour? Or do you just love someone being nice to you and showing you attention? I don't know what to suggest. Could you talk this over with a close friend? You sound like you are in a similar situation to a friend of mine. I've watched her husband put her down and deny her any affection for years. She tried and tried to talk to him but he stated that if she changed, he would love her more (nothing about what HE would do). She ended up having affairs and hated herself even more for it. Somewhere at the heart of this is a fear of standing up for herself. I don't know if you can relate to any of this. I would like to tell her to leave. He has no intention of ever changing and he is wearing her down. But it's not that simple. She doesn't have the strength to leave and claims that she still loves him. I don't know how it is possible to love someone who refuses physical affection because you have put on weight and who puts you down all the time. At the moment your OM is just a distracting factor. You need to make the decision on whether or not your marriage can or should be saved. I would recommend counselling if you can afford it or talk to a friend/relative who knows your situation. Don't think that you will never deserve happiness. It's that attitude that keeps you in the mess that you are in. You have gone about it the wrong way but you deserve happiness as much as the next person. Sylvia
Beautiful1 Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 First of all I want to say thank you to all who read my post. I have been doing alot of thinking. To the one who yelled at me. I know it sounds silly that we married. We have always had problems and yes why would I marry him. I did it because I felt like it would maybe make our relationship better. He was so wonderful a month before marraige and I was also pregnant with our third child at the time and was scared of him leaving me again. I have always loved him so much and was just wanting my kids to have their father around. He is a wonderful father, when we are together, other than that he will never come around. I am sorry you find my story such a waste. I was hoping to get some help, not symathy, but not rudness either. You are right, I put myself in a bad situation. I probably deserve all the bad I can get. Don't ever think you deserve anything this man dishe's out to you. I was in the same situation I cheated, I had to tell the truth because a baby was involved. We were not and still aren't Married. I confessed and we stayed together But not until he put me threw emotional hell about it. I went into a depression about it and wasn't the same for months its like he kicked me while I was down. Okay yeah you cheated thats a given to be mad and lash out but never ever let him think you deserve Bad things and bad feelings Hell he cheated too let's not forget that Sh*t. Things happen for a reason okay, we all fall short but its up to us to get back up brush your self off and say okay I did this, its time to be a big girl and Not do it again and learn form your mistakes.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Whatever you do, don't let him or anyone (here or friends and family) try and turn this around and make it all your fault. He was not willing to work on the marriage and we all have weaknesses and eventually a breaking point. You have taken responsibility for making this one mistake. He has to take some responsibility for making a mess of your marriage. Of course he is mad and hurt and will need some time to absorb this, but if you two decide to work on the marriage (and I would suggest counselling) he also needs to understand how you have been feeling and how you have tried to bring this to his attention all this time. I feel alot of guilt in my own situation but the only way I can get past it and stop beating myself up about it is to realize that it wasn't 100% my fault, even though I cheated and he didn't. This is something between you and your husband to work out. Don't do anything out of concern for other nosey family members and friends.
cedric4691 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 You deserve better treatment than this, from your husband, from your neighbor, and from yourself. Your husband, by offering you a "love me or leave me" ultimatum has demonstrated that he does not care about you as a person. Unless/until he shows that he is willing to make marriage a 2-way street, you should consider getting out. But get out first, then look for love somewhere else. I think you need that sense of closure, otherwise you will be thinking of your affair as a way to save your marriage -- you can get your physical and emotional needs met without having to go through the upheaval of a divorce. But in reality, it can't work out that way. You are simply trading two false relationships for one. What you need instead is a genuine relationship. There are worse things in life than divorce, and it looks to me like you're headed straight for a perfect example.
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