He rarely asks me questions/tries to get to know me, but always responds to my texts and occasionally reaches out. Am I being played?

[Viora]

He never shares anything personal about himself unless I ask. I’ve stopped asking because I don’t want to play 21 questions. I get that this could be his style of communication, but it leaves me feeling like I can’t get anywhere with him. Why is he so closed off? Why is he responding to me, reaching out to me, but not interested in the details of my life? I don’t understand. Has he friendzoned me or am I dealing with a person who is socially inept?

Note: I met this person online while I was swiping in a different city. Please no lectures on how I should find someone closer to me. Living in different cities is not an issue when we’re both adults and financially well off.

Edited March 27, 2021 by Viora

[d0nnivain]

Some people are just bad conversationalists.  Others don't want to share too much personal info to a long distance person they have never met.  

It could be a million reasons but if you are unhappy with the dynamic find a new pen pal 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Viora said:

I met this person online while I was swiping in a different city. 

Ok, keep swiping if getting a conversation or date with this guy is like pulling teeth.

[Keridan]

Some guys can care a lot and still not act how you expect. I've lost many relationships because I do exactly what you are describing.

 

It's not that I don't care, but I'm careful and don't like to talk about me and my problems. I also have no I interest in being needy or jealous.

 

You just need to decide if you care about him enough to put up with that or not. No judgment either way. Just decide if it's something you can out up with

[Versacehottie]

I think you will always feel unfulfilled if you don't get asked questions or get to share your side of your life.  Here's one thing I would suggest is that instead of waiting for him to ask YOU about you, speak up and get comfortable talking about yourself.  There are definitely some people who are just like that where you have to talk about yourself to "get noticed" and "get the floor". Hopefully once you do this some interest will come from his direction in your day to day life and inner mind.  

I also think that guys who have only brothers or are only children are this way more than guys who grew up with sisters.  It's the way guys are conditioned to communicate with each other (more so than women).  I would recommend speaking up first.  You will at least have a clearer answer as to whether he's absolutely sucks at conversation, or is all about himself or is just waiting to speak up. Also if it's the beginning and he's kind of unsure if you are into him, often guys will talk a lot about themselves as a way to try to impress you and win you over--like they dont' have the assurance yet that you are won over.  Some things too consider.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Viora said:

He never shares anything personal about himself unless I ask. I’ve stopped asking because I don’t want to play 21 questions. I get that this could be his style of communication, but it leaves me feeling like I can’t get anywhere with him. Why is he so closed off? Why is he responding to me, reaching out to me, but not interested in the details of my life? I don’t understand. Has he friendzoned me or am I dealing with a person who is socially inept?

Note: I met this person online while I was swiping in a different city. Please no lectures on how I should find someone closer to me. Living in different cities is not an issue when we’re both adults and financially well off.

 

on dates...I don’t like 21 questions. If I ask her a question she might respond but doesn’t ask me a question thus getting a flow. After a few of these, I say screw it.

[Miss Spider]

I wouldn’t want to date someone it was like pulling teeth to have a convo with. Why date someone that you cannot connect with ?  Sounds like you guys are incompatible

Edited March 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Keridan]

43 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I think you will always feel unfulfilled if you don't get asked questions or get to share your side of your life.  Here's one thing I would suggest is that instead of waiting for him to ask YOU about you, speak up and get comfortable talking about yourself.  There are definitely some people who are just like that where you have to talk about yourself to "get noticed" and "get the floor". Hopefully once you do this some interest will come from his direction in your day to day life and inner mind.  

I also think that guys who have only brothers or are only children are this way more than guys who grew up with sisters.  It's the way guys are conditioned to communicate with each other (more so than women).  I would recommend speaking up first.  You will at least have a clearer answer as to whether he's absolutely sucks at conversation, or is all about himself or is just waiting to speak up. Also if it's the beginning and he's kind of unsure if you are into him, often guys will talk a lot about themselves as a way to try to impress you and win you over--like they dont' have the assurance yet that you are won over.  Some things too consider.

Your concept isn't wrong, but it's not just those guys. I had three older sisters and an evil step mother like in the books. We are all taught something like this

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I wouldn’t want to date someone it was like pulling teeth to have a convo with. Why date someone that you cannot connect with ?  Sounds like you guys are incompatible

This^.  When the chemistry is right, convo is easy and effortless.

OP, you sound frustrated, why bother?

What's the appeal of continuing?  

[poppyfields]

@Viora, do you open up with him?  Why wait for him to ask you questions? 

Share, be open. By you being open and sharing aspects of yourself and your life, it might inspire him to do same.

It takes two, no need to put this all on him. 

This is assuming you wish to continue, like I asked, why bother since it's such a struggle.  

 

Edited March 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Viora said:

He never shares anything personal about himself unless I ask. I’ve stopped asking because I don’t want to play 21 questions. I get that this could be his style of communication, but it leaves me feeling like I can’t get anywhere with him. Why is he so closed off? Why is he responding to me, reaching out to me, but not interested in the details of my life? I don’t understand. Has he friendzoned me or am I dealing with a person who is socially inept?

Note: I met this person online while I was swiping in a different city. Please no lectures on how I should find someone closer to me. Living in different cities is not an issue when we’re both adults and financially well off.

If you only communicate with him via your dating app and your text messaging he's disinterest is because he's multi-dating other women and doesn't prioritize you as "the one" he wants to focus on. This is how online dating works, isn't it? 

When I actively online dated, I would delete and block guys like this guy, who refused to meet me within a week or two of making contact. 

Keep your online dating rules simple for yourself, so you can swiftly remove emotionally unavailable guys like this guy. If they refuse to converse with you naturally, then delete and block them. The point of dating is not to make every guy like you. The point of dating is to find a guy who likes you without you needing to convince him to like you. You're making a mountain of a mowhill here over a guy who couldn't give two sh*ts about you. 

If he's not pursuing a date with you, it's because he's not interested. No reading between the lines here. Nothing to do with social ineptitude. He's just not interested. So, swipe, delete, and block. 

[norealusername]

Well I generally don't start blabbing personal details about myself unless I'm asked. And I wouldn't start grilling the other person about personal details, it would be rude. He could be closed off for various reasons, one can only guess. Maybe he's still playing the field, maybe he's a bad conversationalist, maybe he doesn't care, maybe he doesn't know you well enough.....

[GeorgiaPeach1]

4 hours ago, Viora said:

He never shares anything personal about himself unless I ask. I’ve stopped asking because I don’t want to play 21 questions. I get that this could be his style of communication, but it leaves me feeling like I can’t get anywhere with him. Why is he so closed off? Why is he responding to me, reaching out to me, but not interested in the details of my life? I don’t understand. Has he friendzoned me or am I dealing with a person who is socially inept?

Note: I met this person online while I was swiping in a different city. Please no lectures on how I should find someone closer to me. Living in different cities is not an issue when we’re both adults and financially well off.

This guy has already decided things will be temporary with you. It might have nothing to do with you as a person, but rather his views on relationships. Either way, these are red flags.

[ShyViolet]

He's either boring, socially inept, emotionally cold and closed off, has no conversation skills, or he's just not interested in you.  No matter what the reason, why would you continue this when it's only a long-distance online thing, and the conversation is pretty much all you have?  What's the payoff?  

[Versacehottie]

16 hours ago, Keridan said:

Your concept isn't wrong, but it's not just those guys. I had three older sisters and an evil step mother like in the books. We are all taught something like this

Lol, you lost me...are you a guy?  

Lol, you might be proving my point regardless of your sibling situation  I did say this before, see below, I talked about the sibling type (m/f) or lack thereof... I wouldn't say we are ALL taught something like this but yeah some people are. In some cases it's the family dynamic overall, in some it's character trait of the people and some things are generational for sure.

17 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

There are definitely some people who are just like that where you have to talk about yourself to "get noticed" and "get the floor"

I guess we can absolutely agree whatever the reason for OP's guy not asking her questions, she needs to either try to change the dynamic or get comfortable with it.

[SumGuy]

18 hours ago, Keridan said:

Some guys can care a lot and still not act how you expect. ...

It's not that I don't care, but I'm careful and don't like to talk about me and my problems. I also have no I interest in being needy or jealous.

...

I suspect I may be like this, some personal info is OK, especially if the past and background, but I really refrain from asking a woman who doesn't know me questions that could zero in on where she works, where she lives, present details on her kids, etc....I'd rather talk about interests, and explore how we see the world than such things.  For me a pulling teeth conversation is one where she can only talk small talk, gossip (that is talk about other people, such as those in movies or sports); I don't mind talking about parenting as a topic, but if she barely knows me and starts getting into details of her kids...I wonder.

 

In the end all about compatibility, no right or wrong , or weird vs normal in it.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

He's either boring, socially inept, emotionally cold and closed off, has no conversation skills, or he's just not interested in you.  

There is plenty one can talk about, with essentially a total stranger, that is engaging besides the details of one's personal life that still lets you get to know them and decide if it is wise to share such details.   No need to denigrate the man.  I would say if the only conversation one can have is about yourself or the details of another's personal life, then one really lacks conversational skills, or is prying, or emotionally needy...etc.

Quote

No matter what the reason, why would you continue this when it's only a long-distance online thing, and the conversation is pretty much all you have?  What's the payoff?  

Agreed, it's compatibility.  If such conversations are core to your interaction then find someone of like interaction, especially as they are long distance.

[Versacehottie]

17 hours ago, Watercolors said:

If you only communicate with him via your dating app and your text messaging he's disinterest is because he's multi-dating other women and doesn't prioritize you as "the one" he wants to focus on. This is how online dating works, isn't it? 

When I actively online dated, I would delete and block guys like this guy, who refused to meet me within a week or two of making contact. 

Keep your online dating rules simple for yourself, so you can swiftly remove emotionally unavailable guys like this guy. If they refuse to converse with you naturally, then delete and block them. The point of dating is not to make every guy like you. The point of dating is to find a guy who likes you without you needing to convince him to like you. You're making a mountain of a mowhill here over a guy who couldn't give two sh*ts about you. 

If he's not pursuing a date with you, it's because he's not interested. No reading between the lines here. Nothing to do with social ineptitude. He's just not interested. So, swipe, delete, and block. 

Yes agreed.  Well apologies if I missed it and you haven't even dated in person yet.  I got the impression that you were a dating couple.  Since you said, OP, that you were older and financially well.off, enough so that dating long distance isn't really a problem.  

I guess you wouldn't have really need to mention that you were dating long distance because it's not relevant to the story as you've told it---UNLESS you are only communicating by text & phone & FaceTime.  Or if you have some chip on your shoulder about it because that is the feedback you are getting from family and friends when you tell them the story without leaving stuff out...now that I think about it, it's hilarious to give the forum an admonishment not to tell you to date someone closer and that you met him online when no one knew that part of the story, wasn't lecturing you about it & telling this part is a non-issue to the story...unless you've never met.  Which is it?  Have you met or not?

If you've never met in person, which now I'm starting to believe is the case, then you are absolutely in danger of over investing in this guy at the moment.  Just slow it down a little (in your brain).  He might be socially inept or equally true, he could be investing at a reasonable rate in terms of what stage you two TRULY are at, ie if you haven't met in person and it's not really a relationship yet.  Then my advice would be hurry up and get to the stage where you have an in person date so you can see what it really is and what his communication is really like.

[smackie9]

He's not that into you as they say...next!

[Fletch Lives]

If you are having trouble like this right out of the gate, It's best to move on.

Edited March 28, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[Watercolors]

22 hours ago, Viora said:

Note: I met this person online while I was swiping in a different city.

Technically you have not met in person, so you haven't technically met him. You've merely exchanged a few text messages. Telling us not to admonish you for your choices first, then asking for advice also is very leery. It's the same as telling a forum, "tell me what I want to hear only, because everyone else who knows the truth about my dating situation is not supportive of me." 

If he's long distance (or not), and he's not responding to your texts it's simply because he's not interested in you. You need to stop stalking him and move on. 

[poppyfields]

23 hours ago, Viora said:

He never shares anything personal about himself unless I ask. I’ve stopped asking because I don’t want play 21 questions.. Why is he responding to me, reaching out to me, but not interested in the details of my life? I don’t understand. Has he friendzoned me or am I dealing with a person who is socially inept?

What's your history with this guy?  I don't get it.

The issue is not that he doesn't message you or respond to yours, but rather that he doesn't message the way you like, he's not pulling you, he's just a blah, again why bother? 

Serious question!  Do you not have any other options? 

Edited March 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Viora]

13 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Technically you have not met in person, so you haven't technically met him. You've merely exchanged a few text messages. Telling us not to admonish you for your choices first, then asking for advice also is very leery. It's the same as telling a forum, "tell me what I want to hear only, because everyone else who knows the truth about my dating situation is not supportive of me." 

If he's long distance (or not), and he's not responding to your texts it's simply because he's not interested in you. You need to stop stalking him and move on. 

Did you even read my entire post?

1) I met him as far as “meeting” someone online goes, what part of that is not registering?

2) Yes, I had to make it clear that I don’t want backlash for my choice in wanting to engage with a person who lives in a different city. Does that mean I don’t want advice? No. It just saves people from telling me to meet people in my own city, which I do

3) Where in my post did I say he’s not responding to my texts, and where did I give off the impression that I’m stalking him?

[Viora]

Also, thank you everyone for the advice!

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, Viora said:

Did you even read my entire post?

1) I met him as far as “meeting” someone online goes, what part of that is not registering?

2) Yes, I had to make it clear that I don’t want backlash for my choice in wanting to engage with a person who lives in a different city. Does that mean I don’t want advice? No. It just saves people from telling me to meet people in my own city, which I do

3) Where in my post did I say he’s not responding to my texts, and where did I give off the impression that I’m stalking him?

I think though you were obscuring the fact initially that you'd never met in person.

 Let's say you don't need to talk about or even mention that you are at a long distance.  No one would have known that unless you are inserting it into your original post, which you did and people might mention going forward as perhaps it has bearing for him and his reasons which you are asking about.  

I find it odd that you were hiding THE crucial piece of info that you had never met yet.  Um, yeah that has bearing on why he's acting the way he is....To you, it's a real relationship and one that you are overprotective of (another not great sign) and to him it's not a real relationship yet that's why you are getting surface.

Insisting that your original post be read/reread caused me to go back so I have this question:  if he never shares anything about himself and you aren't asked questions about yourself, what do you talk about?  You can't do anything together like an activity because you aren't in the same place and haven't met yet so all you have is communication.

My guess with the way you are overprotecting this "relationship" and trying to control how the responses come makes it seem like you are highly overinvested.  He can't be that special if he is not interested in your day to day life.  Don't act like he is just because you feel like you have someone who responds.  Biggest question is when are you going to meet? Why is there any sort of delay in doing so?  You should treat it just as it IS: two people who've never gone on a date who may/may not have a connection and it's very a tough ask just statistically (most first dates go nowhere, and you are long distance--ie you can say it doesn't bother you but perhaps it is not his ideal choice).  He's investing in line with the fact that things could go either way once you meet--I'd totally suggest you do the same and not build it up like he's more than he is just yet.