Ex boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend for months and then left me for her

[fortuity]

Hi,

I have just been made aware of this situation and I really could do with some advice. I'm very heartbroken and do not know what to do. This account is a throwaway to protect my privacy.

Before I tell you about timelines and our dynamic, I would like to give you some details about me and him and our relationship.

About us:

Me: I am a successful banker with a high income. I live by myself. I am very generous in relationships and giving, sometimes at my own expense. I am very conflict avoidant due to issues in childhood and very submissive in relationships in the traditional sense. I love sports and I am very physically fit, I wasn't that way when our relationship started though.

Him: He went to university but has since been unable to hold down a job so is living on unemployment benefits. He lives in a different country with his family in the same house. He comes from a broken home. He's extremely intelligent and nuanced, which is why I was drawn to him. 

The timeline of our relationship:

Me (28F) met my ex boyfriend (29M) 3 years ago on a gaming platform in March 2018. At the time he was dating someone and he expressed that there were things that were lacking in that relationship such as: she didn't express her feelings much, wanted an open relationship and had alcohol abuse problems. He then broke up with her and went on to pursue me telling me that they ended things amicably. At the time, I didn't think anything of it and I thought they stopped being in touch. This will be relevant later on. Regardless, we got along super well and connected.

We met in person 3 months after. At the time i was overweight and a bit socially awkward. I felt for him instantly though, we slept together, spent a lot of time together over a few days and I really fell for him. I paid for everything every time he visited or I visited simply because I am very well off and I knew he needed his finances, so I never cared much. He broke up with me soon after, citing a lack of attraction as the cause. It made me super insecure about my appearance and saying it was due to the expectations he had. I was overweight, but I was a powerlifter at the time and I was still physically fit due to my passion for sports, just less feminine than I would have liked. I have to mention that throughout the duration of this relationship on and off I lost all the weight and I'm in the best shape of my life now, objectively thin and athletic. This is relevant because that one comment he made when he dumped me cemented an insecurity in me related to my appearance that I carried throughout the entire relationship. Will become relevant later.

Anyway, 3 months later, in September 2018, he said he really felt my absence and he came back around. We were once again in a relationship together. I thought it was going really well. In December 2018, he got cold feet again and left. He then came back February 2019 saying he had missed me. I had a turn of unfortunate events, namely my grandmother died in March 2019, which devastated me because I was an orphan since I was 3, and my grandparents raised me. In July 2019, I broke my leg and had to have really intense surgery and I got dumped while in the hospital bed the day of my surgery. The whole summer I was a mess because I couldn't walk and I had no one to help me. Somehow I survived it by myself. While he was always supportive, whenever it got too much he would flee and say I put too much responsibility on him, which I understand as he really needed to sort his life out. It was still very painful to deal with.

In December 2019, 5 months later, I missed him terribly so I reached out and pursued him to come back. He took some convincing but eventually decided he wanted to be with me. This meant we were back together and this time we did not break up again until January 2021 for four days, he had done it in a rush and we talked and agreed we would work on things, so we date again until Friday last week, when I got dumped.

Before I tell you about how I found out about the affair, I think it's important to explain the dynamic of the relationship:
- I really poured my all into this. We were looking at houses I intended to buy for us to live in. The plan was that he would move countries for me, find a job here, and we'd live together. I was going to help him find a job. I didn't care that I had to give a lot, was ready to do anything for him. I was truly selfless, loyal and loved him unconditionally.
- He often told me he loved and cared for me up to the very end. He was my rock.
- We talked every day about everything and anything, supporting each other, we were extremely affectionate with one another. He was my best friend. I really poured my heart out to him, showered him in love every day, gave him gifts, told him how much I appreciated him and how I wanted to spend my life with him. He reciprocated.
- We saw each other in person a total of four times, and apart from the first time at the end, we had a great time every single time, we were both super loving and warm and affectionate. He had some issues with intimacy due to ED and CSA problems, but I was very understanding. The sex was okay, I was a little bit shy and not as enthusiastic but I loved him so much and I was quite inexperienced so I just let him do anything he liked if he wanted to. We went on little daytrips and restarants and nice places, we felt like home to each other.
- When we were apart, he wanted us to do things on cam, and I was always quite insecure about my appearance because he's a lowkey guy and never showered me in compliments after the first time he dumped me for lack of attraction (before I really got in shape) so I couldn't let myself go and it was quite awkward when we did it because there was never foreplay and he would give me commands which I would freeze at performing. It was because I needed to feel pretty and wanted to open up, and I never really did. I still wanted to try for him though so I asked him often if he would do it with me and he'd just avoid it and say he had health issues which meant he couldn't perform. In person it was far less nervewrecking, but online I just froze up. I often tried to send him pictures or texts hinting at it, but he most often ignored them which made me even more insecure because he's not into pictures or texts, just video, which we didn't even do that often as he very rarely initiated it.
- Because of the above, we argued as we would go through dry spells and I told him I wanted to be complimented more, and for us to do more together, and he'd agree but it wouldn't happen. So then, I would just get disappointed and pull away a bit, which he reacted badly to. He also never said he was attracted to me outwardly after the situation from the beginning which to me made it worse. Arguments started getting bad after December 2020 because I kept bringing up the lack of intimacy (last time we ever did anything was November 2020) and I just wanted him to make me feel wanted and to try with me. From November 2020 to last week (march 2021) when we broke up, there was no intimacy at all despite my attempts. And he kept making up excuses why he couldn't do it with me.

Now comes the bad part:

So we broke up Friday last week, right. I found out from him in the past few days that he had been cheating on me for months, maybe even a year with the person he dumped to be with me! The girl from 3 years ago. Both emotionally and sexually. So remember the dry spell I just told you about where he said he had health issues? He was doing stuff with her the entire time. He said "well our relationship was already bad so I don't need to justify it". But he had committed to working on things with me and he was loving every day and yes, we argued, but we also had good days. He could have just dumped me.

Here's the worst part: Today, he told me in detail about how I was a dead fish in bed and he would go and fly over to f*** this girl, record porn and put it online as per her consent. He also told me she was happily participating in sex with him and enthusiastic which according to him I hadn't been. That he wanted to exert dominance. He then said how they also had an emotional connection from years ago and that when he dumped her to be with me, she didn't like that decision and was sad about it. He regretted having been shitty with her at the time. 

It shocked me, really wasn't expecting it. All I wanted was to build my life with this guy. I thought that was what we'd mutually agreed to work on until the very end, but he said in that same conversation he'd been checked out for months so didn't need to justify the cheating as he hedged his bets. What is worse, the girl he is going to f*** thought we broke up in January and never got back together since. He never told her we got back together days later and just continued to do stuff with her online.

Because I was so sad and felt so worthless, I tried to get him to come back telling him what I would do differently and he said he didn't trust me, because in the past I'd said I would stop being so insecure and creating these uncomfortable situations after years since he told me about the lack of attraction and that I would show him more enthusiasm but I never did so he didn't believe at all that I was capable of anything else. And he said he wasn't going to suggest an open relationship because he knew i'd find it insulting, but he told me he was going to f*** this girl because it is what he wanted and I couldn't stop him from doing so.

Since all this transpired, I feel like the most worthless person on earth and I am seriously considering ending my life and I am posting here in hopes of feeling a little less horrible about what just happened.

I could really use your perspective here. Thank you so much.

tl;dr: ex boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend for months and graphically described all the sexual things he was going to do with her and said I was a dead fish. Heartbroken. Please help.

[d0nnivain]

You are not worthless.  You are a successful professional.  You have a lot going on in life & will go far.  All this EX seems to have going for him is some armature porn he posts.  

As a previously overweight self described socially awkward girl I can understand why you are so hurt by his mean words.  They were designed to hurt & they did.  But it's not a fatal wound.  Lick your wounds  Spend the weekend crying & grieving the break up.  Make an appointment to get an STD test.  You have to protect yourself.   Then take steps to start to heal. 

1.  Purge.  Get rid of the mementos & the photos.  If you can't bring yourself to throw everything out, box it up.  Tape the box shut. . .be nuts about the taping.  Round & Round so it's a real p.i.t.a. to open the box.  Then into the attic or better yet your parents' attic so you can't see it.  

2.  Move.  You need exercise in your life & sun on your face.  As much as you want to hide under the covers force yourself to go outside every day. 

3.  Self soothe.  Do things that make you happy: a bubble bath, a nice glass of wine (don't get drunk every night), listen to good music, read a favorite book. 

4.  Rearrange.  Change your living space at least a little so everything doesn't remind you of him.  New sheets are a must but move the furniture.  Get some new throw pillows or new art.  Similarly shake up your routine so you miss him less

5.    Stay active. Pick up an old hoppy you put down for the relationship.  Start a new hobby.  Work over time.  Take a class. Teach a class.  Get a 2nd job.  Just stay busy so you don't have time to wallow. 

 

You can get through this!  

[d0nnivain]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

5.    Stay active. Pick up an old hoppy you put down for the relationship. 

That should say hobby not hoppy but if pretending to be the Easter Bunny gets you out of your funk, have at it.     

[fortuity]

Thank you lots for the advice, all super helpful

[BC1980]

You need to disconnect from this guy in all ways. This relationship is completely toxic with all of the breaking up and getting back together. You really let him disrespect you by getting back together with him several times. It sounds like this relationship has done a number on your self-esteem. 

Edited March 27, 2021 by BC1980

[fortuity]

3 hours ago, BC1980 said:

You need to disconnect from this guy in all ways. This relationship is completely toxic with all of the breaking up and getting back together. You really let him disrespect you by getting back together with him several times. It sounds like this relationship has done a number on your self-esteem. 

I just didn't know at the time, just wanted it to work out, and I loved him so much that every time he would break up I just wanted him back immediately, had no idea he was cheating until days ago so I always blamed myself, at least now I know why he really left and who he is

[BC1980]

It happens when you are in love. You can't see what is going on and make excuses. We've all been there. My first relationship in college was like this. It was an on again, off again thing for several years. I was so hung up on him for whatever reason, but he was your typical bad boy. This was before social media, so it pretty much died down when I moved away.

[fortuity]

I just don't understand how people can do this to someone and then sleep at night

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, fortuity said:

I just don't understand how people can do this to someone and then sleep at night

Unforuantely, there are people out there who genuinely just don't care. He is one of them. 

Cut of all contact with him. As the others have said, this was a very toxic relationship. Be careful not to let your desire to be loved and have a boyfriend override your better judgement and common sense. 

[fortuity]

All I want to do is cry, I'm so upset I didn't see this coming

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, fortuity said:

All I want to do is cry, I'm so upset I didn't see this coming

In all sincereity with respect - how is that possible?

This guy has treated you poorly from the beginning, OP. 

[fortuity]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In all sincereity with respect - how is that possible?

This guy has treated you poorly from the beginning, OP. 

I think I was just oblivious for so long

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, fortuity said:

 every time he would break up I just wanted him back immediately, 

Oh honey.  Multiple breaks ups & getting back together are the classic sign of a highly dysfunctional relationship.  It's time to get off the sick merry go round.  Hopefully since you now know he cheated you can harden your heart & not look back.  

You are a banker.  Would you really lend money to some person who never paid it back?  Of course not.  Same thing. 

NC is your friend.  Do disconnect on all platforms.  Block his # in your phone & delete it.  Same thing with all social media.  He needs to be scrubbed from every aspect of your life.  

[fortuity]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Oh honey.  Multiple breaks ups & getting back together are the classic sign of a highly dysfunctional relationship.  It's time to get off the sick merry go round.  Hopefully since you now know he cheated you can harden your heart & not look back.  

You are a banker.  Would you really lend money to some person who never paid it back?  Of course not.  Same thing. 

NC is your friend.  Do disconnect on all platforms.  Block his # in your phone & delete it.  Same thing with all social media.  He needs to be scrubbed from every aspect of your life.  

Yeah i removed him on all platforms, deleted his number, all the conversation history.

you're so right, thank you