AmIcrazy Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 If anyone has any information or opinions to help me, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you. I recently ended a four year relationship with someone I believe is an N. I have read the many threads on this site today, and I am left with the need to try to figure out if the last four years of my life were one big lie, was I brainwashed, and, in the end, most importantly, why I allowed myself to be treated the way I did. For now, what I am must confused about is this: the man I think is a N did not exhibit a sense of self-entitlement. In fact, he detested anyone who believed they were "special" or deserved to be treated differently. He made that clear. In fact, he would constantly tell me -- "Don't you get it that you are just a speck of dust in the universe." "The world does no revolve around litttle you." I was always dumbfounded when he would berate me with such comments, because they were never said in response to me asking for something extraordinary. So, this "element" does not fit. Second, he did not inflate his professional career -- he really is a well known, well-respected trial lawyer. He is exceptionally bright - I believe a MENSA. I know this because I am also a lawyer -- and was one of the associates at his firm. He has held the same corporate clients for 15-20 years. He is sought after. He really does live in a beautiful home. He takes two nice vacations a year -- I know all of this because, again, I worked in the same law office with him. And, it was a small office -- only about 10 lawyers. Recently, the state supreme court contacted him and asked for his guidance on a new committee. That is a huge compliment to his professional reputation. Third, he does not seem to ever feel envious or jealous of others or what they have. (I felt, however, it was difficult for him to express what I believed to be geniune happiness for me or my successes. There was always some "put down" in his comments congratulating me, or encouraging me, etc. Such as, he would say, "I know you can do this, just don't f___ it up." Or, "See, when you pull your head out of your ____, you can do it!") These comments always left me thinking, "are you serious?" - But, because I was enamored with him, I just brushed this off as him, in fact, being a bit insecure and competitive. He is stable financially, professionally, and physically. He is a long distance runner. He is not obssessed about his body. He is handsome. So, why I am writing? Because, "behind the scenes" in a relationship with this man, there is something wrong, and I just don't know if it is that he is a N or just a jerk. Can a N be 100% normal to the professional community and a N behind the scenes. Today, I am a bumbling mess. I have isolated myself from my family and friends. I cry all the time. I am not sure of what is right or wrong anymore. My self-esteem is low. He told me I "did not deserve anyone worth having." I was, four years ago, a bright-eyed, fun-loving, cheerful, outgoing young woman who was full of hope and energy. I am a loving, affectionate person (who I think may also be co-dependent). I loved loving him in the beginning, but it became a roller coaster ride and it was almost always my fault. Although, on occasion he would admit that "it takes two." One more thing -- while he is heterosexual, he has a deep disdain and distrust of women. This is something he openly discusses and admits. Please help me. If you need additional information, please just ask and I will tell you.
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Can a N be 100% normal to the professional community and a N behind the scenes? Yes! This is a tell-tale sign on a N. Read all you can about it. However, don't spend too much time, like I did, trying to diagnose him as a narcissist. Only a professional can do that. But if in your mind he fits the criteria, then it is what it is. Narcissist or not, he is not right for you (or anyone in their right mind) and you need to move on, as painful as it is. I struggled too and hit bottom but am now better. It takes time. I know that's said over and over, but it is true. Focus on you and your healing and not too much on him because I guarantee that he isn't mulling over you like you are him. N's move on quickly and often find their next victim right away. If you didn't have emotions, you'd move on fast too. But you're normal and you do. Hang in there.
Author AmIcrazy Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 Hi John - I just now saw your post to the above message. I didn't mean to have to threads, but I was new at this a couple of days ago. I am interested in your comment about the fact that Ns usually move on quickly. I just don't understand that. During my next to last conversation I had with my N, I said something to him and he responded. It was a lighthearted exchange, and I said "I knew you were going to say that." And, he responded (I presumed jokingly) - "Well, when you start knowing what the other one is going to say it is time to move on to new environs." I let it bounce off of me as I knew we were both "feeling raw" and I think we both knew we were nearing the end of our relationship. But, in truth, the comment still hurt my feelings, and knowing what I know now, I wonder if it was truly how he felt. How do they just move on?
JohnJohn Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 How do they just move on? I'm not necessarily saying that your has. Just in general they usually do. It's all about attention and adoration to them. They feed off of attention. If they stop getting it from you then they scramble to find the next person who will give it to them. It's like a drug to them. They often lie and cheat. It's about power and control over you and whomever else. If the next person won't feed their ego, they often go back to old sources (you). Bottom line is you can't trust them or what they say. Whether he's a narcissist or not, you can't trust someone who emotionally abuses you. They lie, even about things where it would be easy to tell the truth. Their life is an act, a front to impress you, flatter you so that you will get hooked and provide them with the attention they need. Remember they are basically emotionally dead and don't care about your feelings. They can move on so quickly because they have defense mechanisms (blame, guilt) that repress their feelings. The problem with repressing your feelings is that one never matures. Think about it this way....if you didn't have emotions, feelings, empathy or sympathy towards anyone else, much less yourself, it would be easy to move on to the next person. And the next and the next........
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