NoClueHeart Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 Ok, so I'm a guy who is still relatively new to this whole Online Dating thing. i started using an app about a month and a half ago, and haven't really met anyone that I really "clicked" with until about two weeks ago, I met a woman who I ended up being able to talk to and we really had a lot in common. Now, I understand that it's only been two weeks, which isn't much time to really build up a relationship, but she and I REALLY hit it off and were both able to talk for hours with each other about common interests, work experiences, as well as feeling as though we were both in the same place mentally when it comes to not only our jobs, but in our lives as well. After finding out that we're both pretty local, we decided to have an in person meeting last week and it went extremely well. We met for coffee, and what initially meant to be a short meeting to make the whole online dating less weird turned into a 5 hour long uninterrupted conversation that had no awkward pauses, no looks at our phones or watches, and the whole reason why we ended the night was because we found out that where we met at closed and we were getting kicked out. We went our separate ways this evening, but both agreed that we had a great time and would really enjoy getting to know each other more and would like to see each other again (I threw out this coming Saturday, and she agreed that she would be down for it). Then, the day after sorta happened. The conversations were shorter, and this whole week felt as though it was pretty minimalist in terms of our conversation. Her response time started becoming fewer and far between, and she wasn't taking the initiative in our conversations as she was the week before.When I ended up confirming that she was still down for meeting Saturday, she seemed a little thrown off by it, and stated she had things going on (family coming in from out of state and her volunteering to pick them up). I told her that was cool, we could just do it some other time. When she stated that she was gonna have to make sure to be at the airport by 3, I told her we'll just do something on another date, and stated I wasn't even opposed to meeting on weekdays. She stated she's usually pretty busy on weekdays, but was willing to figure it out so we can still see each other, and then asked about a show that I was watching. I responded to just let me know what day she'd be willing to try, we'll get something to eat, and also went into detail about the show I was watching. I essentially put the ball into her court, and I've yet to receive a response. I've just been going back and forth because despite the fact that she states she really wants to see me again, her responses started having a longer gap in between than before. I understand that yes, it's only been 2 weeks, and I also understand that life can also get in the way, but having it go from consistent conversation to having minimalist really makes me question. Am I over thinking this? Am I expecting too much too soon, despite the fact that she was telling me that she was really wanting to see me again and wanted to get to know me better? I'm very new to dating in general, let alone to O.L.D., so I'm not sure if not texting for a few days is normal, if I as the guy should making all the initiative is normal, or even if I should be offended by the fact the she initially made plans only to sorta cancel out on me (which, I mean, I get sh didn't really "cancel" on me, as there could be any number of reasons why may have made plans only to tell me she had something else going on). I guess I'm just using this a form to vent, because I can see kinda where I could be WAY overthinking things. I've just gotten so used to rejection at this point where I practically expect it, and can't seem to tell when a person is being legitimately interested as opposed to blowing me off and making excuses to not respond.
trident_2020 Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 When I used to online date I wouldn't focus on one woman until we declared ourselves exclusive. Don't put so much importance on her, you only had one date. Continue meeting and chatting with other women online and don't spend so much of your time wondering what she's up to. If she comes around, great, if not, you aren't wasting your time and energy on her. 3
cleverusername Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 Propose a different date and an activity for the two of you. If she doesn't accept or offer alternate date that fits her schedule, move on. Also: cut down on the online chatting if you're able to meet in person. Let her set the pace. 1
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) Welcome to online dating, the real land of confusion. That type of disappointment will happen often, be prepared. Your only mistake that I see is you spent way too much time together chatting and too much time together for a first meet. She is now all chatted out. Give her some space, if she liked you she'll bounce back with new things to talk about. Continue searching online. Edited March 27, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Author NoClueHeart Posted March 27, 2021 Author Posted March 27, 2021 I also probably should have mentioned that we've mostly been texting to each other's own personal cell numbers. That's one of the things that really threw me off. She gave it to me a few days after we started talking because she didn't want me thinking she (in her words) "was serious in wanting to get to know me and didn't want me thinking she was blowing me off." That was before our in person meeting, and it was because I had sent her a message a day after a slow day of conversation. She already rescheduled for the first meeting, but did not suggest a day for the second (even though in my last text I suggested she could give me a day sometime soon and I'll see if I can work around it). One of the reasons I'm finding it so hard is because I'm so used to having that feeling like nobody notices/cares, that when I finally put myself out there and there's interest to be had by someone else, I have no idea how to respond and deal with it. I am so used to that feeling utterly alone and not wanting to go back to feeling that way. I don't know if I'm doing too much, too little, or I'm doing something just right. That's not to say I'd date just anyone, because if I'm going to spend time on someone, I would really like it if it was with someone I really like. But if I'm already second guessing things now, I have no hope with this one in the future. I haven't sent her a text since yesterday, and figured I'd go ahead and give her some breathing room. I don't want to give off the impression that I'm being totally cold, but I'm also not wanting her to think I'm being clingy either, but I guess I'll follow your guys' advice and just wait and see. Would it hurt for me to shoot her a text after a day or two of inactivity or should I strictly wait on her to respond while pursuing other options?
Miss Spider Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, NoClueHeart said: I also probably should have mentioned that we've mostly been texting to each other's own personal cell numbers. That's one of the things that really threw me off. She gave it to me a few days after we started talking because she didn't want me thinking she (in her words) "was serious in wanting to get to know me and didn't want me thinking she was blowing me off." That was before our in person meeting, and it was because I had sent her a message a day after a slow day of conversation. She already rescheduled for the first meeting, but did not suggest a day for the second (even though in my last text I suggested she could give me a day sometime soon and I'll see if I can work around it). One of the reasons I'm finding it so hard is because I'm so used to having that feeling like nobody notices/cares, that when I finally put myself out there and there's interest to be had by someone else, I have no idea how to respond and deal with it. I am so used to that feeling utterly alone and not wanting to go back to feeling that way. I don't know if I'm doing too much, too little, or I'm doing something just right. That's not to say I'd date just anyone, because if I'm going to spend time on someone, I would really like it if it was with someone I really like. But if I'm already second guessing things now, I have no hope with this one in the future. I haven't sent her a text since yesterday, and figured I'd go ahead and give her some breathing room. I don't want to give off the impression that I'm being totally cold, but I'm also not wanting her to think I'm being clingy either, but I guess I'll follow your guys' advice and just wait and see. Would it hurt for me to shoot her a text after a day or two of inactivity or should I strictly wait on her to respond while pursuing other options? You’re doing way too much. I’m sorry. It hurts my heart to have to tell you this, but I feel like I need to or you’re just going to get slaughtered alive out there. Online dating is fast paced and ruthless. It’s a land of lawlessness. I guarantee you she is still talking to a string of guys that you may be still be one on the string, and in rotation. She’s weighing her options and swiping away. Most people online have a very short attention span, because online dating is basically people shopping. you ever order something online and it doesn’t fit quite right? Anyway, yes tone it way down and just get used to the disappointment, particularly if you are a guy. This happens to a lot of guys. One great date, seemed to go well, and the girl goes cold. The best chance I think that you have here is to wait and keep dating others. Wait for her to get back to you and hope she does. If she doesn’t get back to you in a couple weeks you could send a follow up text. Just don’t have any expectations. Keep looking until you know for sure that this is going somewhere because most likely will not. Edited March 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough 7
IntBrowser Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 5 hours ago, trident_2020 said: When I used to online date I wouldn't focus on one woman until we declared ourselves exclusive. Don't put so much importance on her, you only had one date. Continue meeting and chatting with other women online and don't spend so much of your time wondering what she's up to. If she comes around, great, if not, you aren't wasting your time and energy on her. I dont get that many matches at one time so I have to focus on one women lol 1
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 8 hours ago, NoClueHeart said: That was before our in person meeting, and it was because I had sent her a message a day after a slow day of conversation. She already rescheduled for the first meeting, but did not suggest a day for the second (even though in my last text I suggested she could give me a day sometime soon and I'll see if I can work around it). When you finally meet someone face to face everything that was said 'online' before the meeting doesn't count anymore. All the you're a great guy, I really want to get to know you, I'm serious about meeting someone, none of this counts anymore. The meeting face to face is the real test. You met face to face and she started slowing down on the communication and be vague about your next meeting, that says it all. A woman that would have 'connected' with you on that first meeting would give you a time and date she is free. She will never play the ' I'll let you know ', because she knows if she doesn't book you on a date someone else will. My advice to you is don't talk too much when you make contact on line and meet in the next few days. 1
Author NoClueHeart Posted March 27, 2021 Author Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) I think that's what's throwing me off. She was saying how much she wanted to see me again, even after we had met in person. I felt like the first day, despite slowing down, there was consistency. Had she not said how she does in fact want to see me again, I wouldn't be so frustrated when her actions seem to say the opposite. Like I said, this whole thing is new for me and just flat out confusing to me. Her words have been consistantly saying, even after our first meeting, how she really likes me, and would really like to see me again, but her actions seem to say how unimportant it is To give the most recent example, In my next to last message to her, I mentioned how I understood she had somethimg going on Saturday, that I had something going on Sunday myself, but wasn't opposed to meeting on a weekday after work one day. she replied with 'that could work, I'm usually pretty busy on weekdays, but I'm sure we can work it out. How's that show you're watching that we talked about?' then when asked for day, and responded about the show, I got complete radio silence since. My phone shows whether or not a message was read (I keep on trying to turn it off, but it still shows), and it shows she hasn't even read the message yet, and I sent it the day before yesterday. This is why I got so confused. Her words are saying one thing, but her actions almost say another. Part of me wonders "why would she say that We can make things work, and even ask about that show I was watching, if she wasn't interested?" another part says "she's just keeping you as backup just in case the date she's going on doesn't pan out." She did tell me upfront how she doesn't look at her phone that much, and how she tends to have a busy work/social life, but then again, she was super talkative up until and including the day we met. I dunno, I am not having very good luck with meeting anyone online. All the women I met prior to her seemed really desperate, weird, or both (I had one girl start taking a shower while we were on phone together), and that's saying when I DO match with someone. I want someone who is independent, and who feels like they're in a position who doesn't NEED someone, but rather wants someone. Edited March 27, 2021 by NoClueHeart
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 2 minutes ago, NoClueHeart said: This is why I got so confused. Her words are saying one thing, but her actions almost say another. Part of me wonders "why would she say that We can make things work, and even ask about that show I was watching, if she wasn't interested?" another part says "she's just keeping you as backup just in case the date she's going on doesn't pan out." I dunno, I am not having very good luck with meeting anyone online. All the women I met prior to her seemed really desperate, weird, or both (I had one girl start taking a shower while we were on phone together), and that's saying when I DO match with someI want someone who is independent, and who feels like they're in a position who What you want is words/actions consistency. I personally find her overly expressive as if she wants to keep you on her hook/backup, trust your instinct. Women usually will not speak the way she does, in my opinion she is over doing it. I was 3,5 years online, over 200 meetings, before meeting my ex. Online is hard, it's full of recently separated people just wanting to play the field. I would suggest you use a serious dating site and not waist your time on Tinder and POF. 1
chillii Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) Yeah op you've only been on it a mth or so , did you expect to be walking down the alter by now ! Could be yrs man. Ps , a nice looking girl can talk to me while she's taking a shower anytime haha, well , if l was single she could anyway. l'm surprised she told ya that though , with all the naughty minds out there haha you'd think she might wanna keep that one quiet when she doesn't even know ya. Edited March 27, 2021 by chillii
trident_2020 Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 Even if you don't get that many matches, you need to change your attitude and perspective and don't give her so much space in your head. Focus on reaching out to other women on the dating sites, doing other things to keep busy. Simply turn your focus away from her and don't play the "what is she thinking" game. 3
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 5 hours ago, NoClueHeart said: I think that's what's throwing me off. She was saying how much she wanted to see me again, even after we had met in person. I felt like the first day, despite slowing down, there was consistency. Had she not said how she does in fact want to see me again, I wouldn't be so frustrated when her actions seem to say the opposite. Like I said, this whole thing is new for me and just flat out confusing to me. Her words have been consistantly saying, even after our first meeting, how she really likes me, and would really like to see me again, but her actions seem to say how unimportant it is To give the most recent example, In my next to last message to her, I mentioned how I understood she had somethimg going on Saturday, that I had something going on Sunday myself, but wasn't opposed to meeting on a weekday after work one day. she replied with 'that could work, I'm usually pretty busy on weekdays, but I'm sure we can work it out. How's that show you're watching that we talked about?' then when asked for day, and responded about the show, I got complete radio silence since. My phone shows whether or not a message was read (I keep on trying to turn it off, but it still shows), and it shows she hasn't even read the message yet, and I sent it the day before yesterday. This is why I got so confused. Her words are saying one thing, but her actions almost say another. Part of me wonders "why would she say that We can make things work, and even ask about that show I was watching, if she wasn't interested?" another part says "she's just keeping you as backup just in case the date she's going on doesn't pan out." She did tell me upfront how she doesn't look at her phone that much, and how she tends to have a busy work/social life, but then again, she was super talkative up until and including the day we met. I dunno, I am not having very good luck with meeting anyone online. All the women I met prior to her seemed really desperate, weird, or both (I had one girl start taking a shower while we were on phone together), and that's saying when I DO match with someone. I want someone who is independent, and who feels like they're in a position who doesn't NEED someone, but rather wants someone. some OLD advice... 1 use this as a means to initiate. Talk a little then meet face to face ASAP 2. no matter how great conversation flows you won’t know for sure till you meet 3 even then, don’t assume you are the only one they are talking to or meeting. It takes two. Even if you felt this person was great they might have you in 3rd on their list 4 stay in your league dating in online world and meeting this way is psychologically very different. Too many times peop,e will next someone they met online that pre OLD they might have developed a relationship. Many fall into the grass is greener and try to find sill faults in a person vs there strengths. If you have a good first meet do a second date before deciding.
Author NoClueHeart Posted March 27, 2021 Author Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: some OLD advice... 1 use this as a means to initiate. Talk a little then meet face to face ASAP This is pretty much what I did. We talked for about a day, and then I suggested we'd meet. We started talking on a Thursday, that Friday night I suggested a meet Sunday (knowing that it was in fact short notice, and told her that I was aware of that), to which she pushed back the meet to the following Friday, not only because she knew that I was free that day, but also because she said she had three things piled up on her for work that she needed planning for and would rather do it on a day where she didn't feel as stressed out. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: 2. no matter how great conversation flows you won’t know for sure till you meet Again, this DID happen when we met. When we met in person, the conversation flowed VERY well, and it was consistent. We were both so focused on each other and relaxed that it felt very natural to me. As we were walking to our cars, she had even told me that she enjoyed the conversation, and hoped to see me again. When we had texted a little later on, she had told me that she kept on telling herself that she felt like she kept on commandeering the conversation by accident, ended up feeling bad about it, and worried that I wasn't having a good time. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: 3 even then, don’t assume you are the only one they are talking to or meeting. It takes two. Even if you felt this person was great they might have you in 3rd on their list Absolutely, this is also the mindset that I went in the meeting with. I left the meet with a really, really good feeling, but also figured that she'd be seeing someone else too. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: 4 stay in your league And here's the thing about this particular person. I really feel she's in my league. She may be more educated than I, but she's at the level of her education where I feel like I am working towards, and she actually knew that going in and still seemed pretty talkative up and during the meet. As I have said before (I think maybe I said it, maybe I didn't), she never refused a second date; in fact seemed extremely excited for a second date and seemed willing for us to reschedule. It's also possible that she had to reschedule our first meet, she was afraid to start. For all I know, she volunteered to pick up her family from the airport not knowing what day it was going to be. Saying that, I am aware that it's also possible she was just saying she was looking forward to the second date, but didn't really mean it and was looking for an excuse to get out of it. That's why it's bothering me. First meet went so well, I was told she had a good time and wanted to meet me again, then boom, very little in terms of conversation, but still a willingness to meet again. Not really cancellation, not an unwillingness to meet at another time (because she did seem open to meet later on), just not as communicative. I made it a point to not text her yesterday or today considering that I was the last one to send the text and didn't want her thinking I was just chasing after her. I will give it another day or so, and maybe send her a "hey, I haven't heard from ya in a couple days, how are you?" text, and then just move on from there. Edited March 27, 2021 by NoClueHeart
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 33 minutes ago, NoClueHeart said: "hey, I haven't heard from ya in a couple days, how are you?" text, and then just move on from there. Do not say the bolded part. Makes you seem like you're counting the days. It's too early for that. Just ask her how's her week. 2
WWYD Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 This seems so familiar! It looks like you're in the same place I was about a month ago. It's almost like some people can spot a 'newbie' a mile off and want to initiate you into the confusion as soon as possible! I met someone, and we seemed to get on like a house on fire, but after a couple of cancelled-at-the-last-minute attempts at meeting again, I gave up on it. After that experience, I've kind of stepped back and dropped my expectations down into the depths of nowhere. That way you can't be disappointed. I also figure that the prospects might improve as lockdown eases, but whatever. I'm now reconciled to the fact that most of the people on OLD (in my age range anyway) are probably there for a good reason, and matching with the few that have simply been a bit unlucky with love is very rare indeed... 1
Author NoClueHeart Posted March 27, 2021 Author Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Do not say the bolded part. Makes you seem like you're counting the days. It's too early for that. Just ask her how's her week. So I should just keep it short and simple then? Just a short "hey, how have you been?" sort of text, and leave it at that? I was thinking about firing it off tomorrow, should I wait longer? I figured I already gave her a somewhat answer for the show I was watching, so I'm probably not even going to bother throwing that in there to her. These are the sort of things that go through my head. Do I, or do I not? How much is too much, how soon is too soon, how little is too little, and how late is too late? I am aware of over thinking, but that's how my brain works. Edited March 27, 2021 by NoClueHeart
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 So just to clarify the situation she was picking up family at the airport this weekend and they stay at her place for the week?
Author NoClueHeart Posted March 27, 2021 Author Posted March 27, 2021 She didn't say exactly where they were staying, but yeah, pretty much. She said her younger brother was out of state for college and she is picking up from the airport, and she and her family are all getting together after she picks him up. Which, now come to think of it, that sounds a little fishy to me because I thought a lot of universities and colleges were closed across the country, and it just dawned on me as I was writing this post out. So yeah, that could be a red flag right there. I mean, I'm not sure about whether colleges have been opening or not outside of my own state or not, to be honest.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 2 hours ago, NoClueHeart said: This is pretty much what I did. We talked for about a day, and then I suggested we'd meet. We started talking on a Thursday, that Friday night I suggested a meet Sunday (knowing that it was in fact short notice, and told her that I was aware of that), to which she pushed back the meet to the following Friday, not only because she knew that I was free that day, but also because she said she had three things piled up on her for work that she needed planning for and would rather do it on a day where she didn't feel as stressed out. Again, this DID happen when we met. When we met in person, the conversation flowed VERY well, and it was consistent. We were both so focused on each other and relaxed that it felt very natural to me. As we were walking to our cars, she had even told me that she enjoyed the conversation, and hoped to see me again. When we had texted a little later on, she had told me that she kept on telling herself that she felt like she kept on commandeering the conversation by accident, ended up feeling bad about it, and worried that I wasn't having a good time. Absolutely, this is also the mindset that I went in the meeting with. I left the meet with a really, really good feeling, but also figured that she'd be seeing someone else too. And here's the thing about this particular person. I really feel she's in my league. She may be more educated than I, but she's at the level of her education where I feel like I am working towards, and she actually knew that going in and still seemed pretty talkative up and during the meet. As I have said before (I think maybe I said it, maybe I didn't), she never refused a second date; in fact seemed extremely excited for a second date and seemed willing for us to reschedule. It's also possible that she had to reschedule our first meet, she was afraid to start. For all I know, she volunteered to pick up her family from the airport not knowing what day it was going to be. Saying that, I am aware that it's also possible she was just saying she was looking forward to the second date, but didn't really mean it and was looking for an excuse to get out of it. That's why it's bothering me. First meet went so well, I was told she had a good time and wanted to meet me again, then boom, very little in terms of conversation, but still a willingness to meet again. Not really cancellation, not an unwillingness to meet at another time (because she did seem open to meet later on), just not as communicative. I made it a point to not text her yesterday or today considering that I was the last one to send the text and didn't want her thinking I was just chasing after her. I will give it another day or so, and maybe send her a "hey, I haven't heard from ya in a couple days, how are you?" text, and then just move on from there. leagueis based both on looks a d career/education. Most women are look for partners who appear to be at the same level as them. A lawyer or law school student woukd be leaning toward other law students, doctors, phDs, or MBA grads. reason I think she forgot is because you aren’t the only one she’s dating...she’s dating others. conversation alone isn’t enough. She might not have been attracted to you. ihave 20+ yrs of experience meeting people from online sources. Numerous times first date went well but nothing developed. There are other factors you might not be aware such as on/off person she has been dating.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 17 minutes ago, NoClueHeart said: She didn't say exactly where they were staying, but yeah, pretty much. She said her younger brother was out of state for college and she is picking up from the airport, and she and her family are all getting together after she picks him up. Which, now come to think of it, that sounds a little fishy to me because I thought a lot of universities and colleges were closed across the country, and it just dawned on me as I was writing this post out. So yeah, that could be a red flag right there. I mean, I'm not sure about whether colleges have been opening or not outside of my own state or not, to be honest. Colleges are t closed. Some have had students. This is not a reach. it’s reasonable for this to occur. The red flag would be ifyou talked about each other’s families snd she didn’t mention this brother. I give peoplethe benefit of the doubt on reasonable excuses. She might not have know he was coming home for break.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 48 minutes ago, NoClueHeart said: So I should just keep it short and simple then? Just a short "hey, how have you been?" sort of text, and leave it at that? I was thinking about firing it off tomorrow, should I wait longer? I figured I already gave her a somewhat answer for the show I was watching, so I'm probably not even going to bother throwing that in there to her. These are the sort of things that go through my head. Do I, or do I not? How much is too much, how soon is too soon, how little is too little, and how late is too late? I am aware of over thinking, but that's how my brain works. you say how have you bern, let me know ehrn you want to get together again.
Miss Spider Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 1 hour ago, NoClueHeart said: So I should just keep it short and simple then? Just a short "hey, how have you been?" sort of text, and leave it at that? I was thinking about firing it off tomorrow, should I wait longer? I figured I already gave her a somewhat answer for the show I was watching, so I'm probably not even going to bother throwing that in there to her. These are the sort of things that go through my head. Do I, or do I not? How much is too much, how soon is too soon, how little is too little, and how late is too late? I am aware of over thinking, but that's how my brain works. You need to find a way to manage your overthinking/dating anxiety. That is only going to bite you in the *** in the end
Sun Seeker Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 Sounds like she is not interested if she is giving you excuses with no alternative plans already. It's all fine having a marathon conversation, but if there was no physical attraction it's not going to go anywhere. Did you flirt with her? Compliment her on something about her appearance? Get physically close to her in any way? Did you make it clear you were on a romantic date, not a get to know each other as friends date?
norealusername Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 I'll also say she's probably still playing the field and she's been talking to several other guys the whole time. An average looking woman can get 50 messages a day online. She either put you on the back burner or she lost interest. You should just stop texting her. If she's interested, she'll be back. You don't want to look too eager or desperate.
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