DebussyChopin Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Hi I've been dating a woman for three months. Things have moved pretty fast. We see each other 4 to 5 times a week at my place (because she has roommates and I don't). We share basically all our meals together when we see each other (under COVID remote working that means breakfast, lunch and dinner), so I thought when we go shopping, she could chip in on groceries. I initially said one third. She said she didn't like that idea because she doesn't actually live with me. She's a college student and I have a full time job. She gets an allowance from her family for living expenses. I thought that the money she would ordinarily spend on her personal groceries she would use for a fraction of groceries that we buy together. Later on I found out that she and her roommates had an agreement where they split their groceries three ways. Once she told me this I said ok, forget it. I will cover all of our groceries because I don't want to cause an issue between her and her roommates. I'd rather she honor her financial obligations to them and not have her double dipping from her budget to give me any money, since she's still in school. So we came to an agreement, but I don't understand why she felt that she shouldn't contribute to me at all just because she doesn't live with me, even though she spends the majority of her time with me. If she didn't have roommates we would obviously split the time between both places more, but it isn't that way. So isn't it reasonable to chip in for our groceries? Edit - and to be clear, I'm not asking for a 50/50 split. Even if she had a full time job I wouldn't ask for a 50/50 split. Just a percentage. I also want to point out that she cooks about 75% of the time. Edited March 26, 2021 by DebussyChopin
smackie9 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) She's a student with limited cash flow of course she's gonna latch onto a guy that has his own place and a full time job. It's called survival. It's how they get to keep in the lifestyle they want. And don't be shocked I said that, me being a woman, because it's true. Edited March 26, 2021 by smackie9 2 1
FMW Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Yes it's reasonable to expect her to chip in for the groceries she's eating when with you, especially since it's 4 or 5 times a week. Since she's a college student with several roommates, I'm guessing she's fairly young and inexperienced with handling living expenses and she's just not getting it. If she's with you 4 or 5 days a week then she shouldn't be contributing fully for 1/3 of the groceries with her roommates, because she's only there half the time. Her contribution should be proportionate to what she's eating. Plus, granted, it's been many years since I was in college and had roommates, but my experience was that we bought our own groceries, we did not share or pool our money to buy everything together. I would suggest she revisit her agreement with the roommates if she's only there half the time to eat. They are getting the benefit of more food for less money while you are supporting her. 3
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Of course it's a reasonable request if you make it proportional to what she can afford. What I don't understand is why she has to split with her room-mates if she's only there 2 days a week? Sharing grocery expenses with room-mates never works! It's each their own. Now, why she thinks she doesn't have to split with you I think is due to her young age and lives off of mom & dad. She doesn't know how hard it is to earn money. 3
BaileyB Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 If it was me, I would make it a point to buy takeout occasionally, or bring some nice steaks to cook once in a while... No, you are not wrong to expect some contribution, but, there are other ways to “even the score” than keeping your bills and asking her to pay for 1/3 of your purchases. 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 17 minutes ago, DebussyChopin said: she and her roommates had an agreement where they split their groceries three ways. Ask her to bring over food/groceries more often or try not to have her camping out there as much. 2
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If it was me, I would make it a point to buy takeout occasionally, or bring some nice steaks to cook once in a while... No, you are not wrong to expect some contribution, but, there are other ways to “even the score” than keeping your bills and asking her to pay for 1/3 of your purchases. I agree. About you tell her she gets to prepare/pay for 2 dinners a week.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 She does most of the cooking, so it's only fair that you buy the groceries--especially since she's a student. Unreal how tit for tat dating and relationships have become. 7
Miss Spider Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Idk about unreasonable, but dood, are you really surprised asking a girl you’re very newly dating to buy half of your groceries didn’t go over well? You’re still in he honeymoon arena where you’re supposed to be wooing each other. Plus she’s preparing it. And it’s not like you’re going out to eat at nice restaurants or she’s running up the tab? The groceries that she could have consumed staying there 4 days in in 3 months is what like $30 a week maximum? Is she not worth that Edited March 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough 6 1
FMW Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I'm guessing since the girl at issue is young, so is the OP. Even if he has a full time job it doesn't mean he can afford to feed another person 5 days a week. Wooing is nice, but reality has to come into play. 2
cleverusername Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 A few options here; A- She eats on her own more B- You learn to Cook C- You both eat cheaper meals D- She stops paying for her friends food 1
Miss Spider Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Yeah, that’s why I don’t think that it’s necessarily unreasonable, however I can totally see why it isn’t the most appealing thing and the girlfriend may be looking elsewhere because seriously OP is 25 to 34 and cannot afford half of $30 a week worth of groceries for the college girl that he is dating when she’s making all these meals too. Get right before you start dating because if a guy I just started dating tit for tatted me that way, I’d match him by taking out a pad of paper and calculating the price of everything I ate ( with coupons, plus my 1/2 of whatever my labor of cooking cost) and give him the $ for that, then dump him but that just me Edited March 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
cleverusername Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Just now, Cookiesandough said: Yeah, that’s why I don’t think that it’s necessarily unreasonable, however I can totally see why it isn’t the most appealing thing and the girlfriend may be looking elsewhere because seriously OP is 25 to 34 and cannot afford $30 worth of groceries for the college girl that he is dating when she’s making all these meals too. Get right before you start dating because if a guy I just stared dating tit for tatted me that way, I’d match him by taking out a pad of paper and calculating the price of everything I ate ( with coupons) and only give him the $ for that, then dump him But.... she's essentially eating out 4 to 5 times a week for free while OP pays. He's not asking her to buy everything, but 5 meals adds up for only one person.
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Idk, while you have a point, OP and she has a point as well....the whole thing is pretty icky to me.... Does it really have to get this nitpicky? If you can afford the groceries you have in your house and that you share with her, to me, you should just share with her. I would hope she would reciprocate especially since you've already started a conversation about $$$$ contribution, but TBH, I wouldn't be surprised if this causes her to dump you. Not bc she is using you (she may/may not be), but it's just awkward and petty IMO. I think you should either try to eat out a little more where she would have to split the cost or offer to pay for you now and then OR go to the grocery store together before you make a big special meal and she can pitch in or pay for that. Idk, I wouldn't bring it up again. Hopefully she would do these things unprompted but she is a student. Are you struggling or just overly concerned with things being fair (no bueno IMO)? 2 1
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Yeah, that’s why I don’t think that it’s necessarily unreasonable, however I can totally see why it isn’t the most appealing thing and the girlfriend may be looking elsewhere because seriously OP is 25 to 34 and cannot afford half of $30 a week worth of groceries for the college girl that he is dating when she’s making all these meals too. Get right before you start dating because if a guy I just stared dating tit for tatted me that way, I’d match him by taking out a pad of paper and calculating the price of everything I ate ( with coupons, plus my 1/2 of whatever my labor of cooking cost) and give him the $ for that, then dump him but that just me 100% that's me to. It's an absolute no go. Even as I student I wouldn't be expecting my bf to pay for what he eats at my house and vice versa. it's petty. You don't have to stock food in your house for her that you didn't previously. If you are going to make a special Sunday night dinner or something, go together to the store to get what is needed & hopefully she pitches in--if that was the case, I might see your point. But if youre hosting someone at your place, you supply the food/drink IMO. 4
Yosemite Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 You expect her to cook it and chip in to pay for it? Not many people would agree to that. Are you a lot older than her? If she's like 19 and you're 30+, she probably has an expectation that you'll be paying for most everything...that kind of comes with the territory when you're dating a much younger woman. 3
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 25 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: there 4 days in in 3 months is what like $30 a week maximum? huh? Just kiddo and I it cost $800 groceries a month.
Miss Spider Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 15 minutes ago, cleverusername said: But.... she's essentially eating out 4 to 5 times a week for free while OP pays. He's not asking her to buy everything, but 5 meals adds up for only one person. Yeah, the 30 + year old guys her friends date are probably wining and dining them. She probably considers it fairly equal that she’s preparing the meal( just assuming that she’s not cleaning out his fridge in one meal or asking him to buy butcher shop filet mignons every meal) and he’s providing some groceries. Plus, my cooking is dang good, so if he wants to split hairs like that he’s probably going to be the one who ends up paying me 1
FMW Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: $30 a week worth of groceries If he's living on a tight budget, $30 a week can be a consideration (and I agree with @Gaeta, it's probably more than that unless they're eating ramen and hotdogs). If he shouldn't be dating if he can't afford to feed her 5 days a week, then I don't see why just because she's a woman it's ok for her to be dating and expecting to have everything paid for her 5 days a week. That situation is great if she's dating an older guy with a decent income, but if OP is young and in an entry level job, he's probably not in much better financial situation than her. So for me it partly depends on how old OP is and what his financial situation is. And of course ultimately it comes down to each of their views on the the whole who pays issue that people have very strong views about. Maybe he needs a financially independent woman and maybe she needs an older guy who is more than happy to pay for her food more than half the week in exchange for having a young woman around. 2
cleverusername Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Yeah, the 30 + year old guys her friends date are probably wining and dining them. She probably considers it fairly equal that she’s preparing the meal( just assuming that she’s not cleaning out his fridge in one meal or asking him to buy butcher shop filet mignons every meal) and he’s providing some groceries. Plus, my cooking is dang good, so if he wants to split hairs like that he’s probably going to be the one who ends up paying me True. They should plan a menu together then. OP didn't say how much he makes though so for all we know, 25% of his disposable income could be being used to feed this gremlin. Also it seems that OP indicated they would eat at her place more if it weren't for the roommates, so she is using his kitchen and his food since he lives alone?
basil67 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 You have income and purchase the food. She has little income and does the labour. Sounds like a fair split to me. 8
Wiseman2 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 2 hours ago, DebussyChopin said: I also want to point out that she cooks about 75% of the time. If you're going to treat her like the help, you'll have to provide free room and board. You're mid 30's have a master's degree and a good job...and she's a student with roommates? And this is 12 weeks in? 6
FMW Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You're mid 30's have a master's degree and a good job. Did I overlook OP providing this info? 1
basil67 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 As an aside.....she lives on a stipend from her parents, so she's used to getting a free ride. Also, she's displaying little in the way of work ethic, and she's going to lose out on jobs to those who worked to support themselves through their degrees. She'll be far less hireable due to having no/little experience in working. Assuming she's not a mature age student, I would argue that one of the attractants for a young woman to man who's significantly older is the lifestyle he can give her. If you want a cute young girlfriend, then part of the deal is that you be the generous older man who gives her the lifestyle which boys her own age can't do.
norealusername Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 Sounds like she's used to not paying for anything. I would expect my kids to at least work part time in college and earn their own expenses. When I was in school, I was on my own for expenses and spending money. If she's eating your food 5 days a week, I'd want her to show up with groceries once in a while. It's up to you whether she's worth it.
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