Here a real DOOZY!?!?!?

[Katch22]

Well the just of it is I've been the OW for a year. They are divorced we meet when they weren't living together. But then she moved back in and said she wanted to work things out. I'm divorced and had just gone through it and had gotten back with my ex several times before I could make the decision to leave for good! So when he came to me and said that they were gonna try again I was very understanding! Probably to understanding. So we still talked from time to time about 1 a wk. Then it got to be more and more and then finally we started sleeping together again. Then he told me he wanted to stop sleeping together to make sure that what we had was real and not just SEX!! So we did, and that went on for 4-5 months NO SEX but still really CLOSE talked everyday 10-15 times a day. Then I started seeing someone but we still were "status quo". I've never lied to him about dating or sleeping with anyone we have a very open friendship. And then he came over for a night while she was out of town and we had a heart to heart and we both agreed that we were in love more then we could deal with in this situation. So I gave him a key to my house and told him to move in with me and that she wouldn't need to move their son out of his house again. It all sounds great till I tell you the biggest problem of all SHE IS BIPOLAR!! so how she reacts and feels to situations is very different from most!! So he then made the decision that he asked her to move out. But I didn't believe him of course. So he gave me her work phone number and told me to call her and act as if I was a rental agent. So I did and she confirmed that she was looking and was needing a place ASAP!!! So everything seemed like it was going in the right direction. But then I lost my patients and she was taking too long everytime I turned around she had another excuse why she couldn't move out. So 6 wks later I lost my cool and called the house after I returned from my vacation that he was supossed to go on with me. When she answered the phone I asked for him and she asked who it was and I said it was a friend. He got on the phone and then she took the phone from him and told me to go FREAK MYSELF AND THEN SAID SHE HAD BEEN SLEEPING WITH HIM TOO!! Seems to me that this is not a normal response to the OW my respone would've been more like come get him and the ashes of all of his s**t becase I'm gonna light all of it on fire!! As you can see I don't deal well with betral sounds funny since I'm the OW. So then he said that he was gonna cool things off until she was out of the house because he had to tell her that he was "cheating but divorced" on her and he didn't want to through it in her face. So we did!! We talked 4-7 times that week and I kept fishing on what she thought! Weather she thought that he was seeing me anymore or what. He would never give me a straight answer. So then a wk to the day from the 1st call I made he called and said that he missed me and just wanted to hear my voice! But he said something that trigged a knee jerk reaction he said that he just wanted to hear my voice wither it was wrong or right. I responded that it would only be wrong if she thought that we weren't

together anymore. I didn't respond clearly and he said I don't know what she thinks I never asked and I said what have you told her. He said she'd never asked either. So a few DRINKS later I lost my cool again and called the house again and left a message for him. Not a mean one I just said hi baby and I miss you and I love you and call me later! I acted like it was his cell phone and dialed incorrectly!! BUT the problem was that I was DRUNK and forgot to block my phone number when I called. So she called me back and wanted to know what was going on! So I didn't give anything specific but did tell her that it had started before she moved back home and it had continued off and on again this whole last year. So it all blew up and we were no longer speaking. But then a few weeks went by I saw him and the gym and it was all back the feelings. So we went on talking 1-2 a week for a few weeks and now we are sleeping together again and he keeps saying to me that he worries that I'm gonna go off the deep edge again. I told him I won't call again cause it doesn't matter that b*tch isn't gonna go any where unless you throw her out!! Well I then had spoke to a friend which is a therapist and she put alot of light on this for me. The problem is she can't support herself finacially, can't hold a job, and is plain out not stable. But he won't go for custody of his son because she claims that she will kill herself. So he feels guilty, and that he doesn't deserve to be happy with me because in order to be with me she left helpless and miserable. So I started doing some research on her illness and she is a classic case. So I'm gonna try to help him educated himself on her illness cause all he knows is what she tell him. But I lose my cool sometimes but I know he loves me and everyone in my life agrees but I hate being alone so much! Please help i'm not sure what I'm looking for I'm not sure if i want help leaving or help to hang in there. All of my firends say that I'm much happier with him in my life then without him cause when we broke up for the few weeks I lost control of my life! I've never felt like this for anyone. I've been divorced 2 and never did I feel like this before!! Sorry it's so long i just needed you to know the whold picture so you could make an educated opinion. Thanks very much!!

Katch22:(

[lust4life]

you call some man that is living with his wife playing oops wrong phone games to harrass his wife and you think shes bipolar? Leave them alone, go get your own husband...oh, and maybe AA would be helpful too.

[Hot Coco]

First of all, I just noticed that it's not even his wife anymore. They're divorced! To me that's even a worse slap in the face! He's technically free to go but chose not to.

 

Anyway, Lust if you'll read Katch's other post she IS leaving him. As far as the AA comment, with all due respect I really don't see how you can diagnose her as an alcoholic when we know nothing about her drinking habits. Besides, that's no even the issue at hand.

[allaboutchoices]

HotCoco I'm proud of you

Katch22 You don't need to deal with this mess. Believe me, I have been forced to deal with it and it is not pretty. I wish I got out when I was able to.

[Katch22]

I admitted that everytime I lost my cool was because of some liquid courage but I never said how often or how much that involved. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes don't judge me for my actions of calling the house. And Yes his EX-WIFE is bipolar. But I do agree with the fact that I've become a little looney because this type of situation ow/mm will make you that. But the EX-WIFE IS Fully diagnosed Bipolar....

 

 

 

Hot Coco

I would so have to agree with the fact that it's a huge slap in the face. I just quit even telling people that they were divorced because no one could understand why he was still dealing with this situation. But chech out my post that I wrote him good bye. Thanks for the encouragement!!

[Hot Coco]

Katch, just hang in there you're doing well it sounds like, under the circumstances. Try not to text him though. He can find out all he needs to know about the bi-polar thing on his own. Sounds like she's really got him wrapped around his finger just like my H's ex-wife. Can you believe that she even asked him to change our wedding date because she wanted my stepson to be with her for some event and not at our wedding?

 

Of course, he didn't change it but considred it!!! And that's not even the worse thing. She called on our wedding date and said that her car was stuck. This was a few hours before our wedding! I was so mad! H didn't know what to do. She was treating him like he was still her H!!! Oh, don't get me started.

 

It's been a long hard path to get where we are now. I think I told you we're friends now.

 

Anyway, hang in there. You'll be ok. Yes, I read the goodbye message. Now stick to it or it won't mean anything.

 

Choices, thanks for saying you're proud of me but what did I do? Did I say something right for a change???

[Katch22]

Well Coco,

I turned my cell phone off last night and got on the computer this morning so he couldn't call the house phone so it would be busy!! And of course he called my cell within an hour of me turning it on!! I was on the phone with one of my best friends so i sent him to voicemail and of course he didn't leave a message cause I would have evidence to show his ex-w that he's back with me again. That is such a crock of sh*t!! OMFG I came to a conclusion over the last 24 hrs that he has played me and her againist each other and he is the only one benefitting from all of it!! That F-N-A I kept saying that I needed to become angry with him so I would have the desire to leave him for good well I found it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll write about it later and the only reason I'm gonna write it so that O/W can read it and realize that the M/M are all from the same cloth of LIARHOOD!!

 

Thanks for yor support I look forward getting online to hear from you I sord of replaced him with you for now!!! If you know what I mean!

[EnigmaXOXO]

So he gave me her work phone number and told me to call her and act as if I was a rental agent. So I did and she confirmed that she was looking and was needing a place ASAP!!!

 

Sounds like immature high school games to me. The wife of the guy you're screwing may be bipolar (hope that's true and not just a pot-shot you're taking at her)…but it seems you may have a few issues that need to be addressed professionally as well.

 

As you can see I don't deal well with betral sounds funny since I'm the OW.

 

Yeah, it does…if I'm permitted to honest with you. But there are many unconscious people walking around this planet who are less concerned with their own behavior than they are with the actions of others. Particularly when they're standing on the receiving end of someone else's selfishness. Lack of introspection, and genuine empathy for others, often results in these hypocritical "double standards" and unwarranted notions of being treated unfairly by the rest of the world. Remember --- Like minds seek out like minds, and we attract to ourselves the kind of people that we are.

 

I admitted that everytime I lost my cool was because of some liquid courage but I never said how often or how much that involved.

 

Unhealthy relationship, sex, and/or love "addictions" are usually the byproduct of co-dependant/addictive personalities. It isn't uncommon that they coincide with other addictions and/or compulsive behaviors. NOT assuming that you suffer from chemical dependency as well, but perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to do some self analysis to discover where your self-destructive patterns originate. Are relationships the only area in your life where you feel you lack good judgment and self control?

 

Perhaps a good place to start is right here:

 

I'm divorced and had just gone through it and had gotten back with my ex several times before I could make the decision to leave for good!

 

…but I hate being alone so much!

 

I think your statements about not feeling comfortable outside the confines of a relationship reveals a lot about where you might be coming from. If you're co-dependant and/or compulsive by nature, then it's more likely that 'desperation' will override common sense and good judgment when it comes to your relationship choices.

 

I think some 'alone time' to sort yourself out may be just what the doctor ordered! Otherwise, I worry that you'll just keep stumbling into one toxic relationship after another.

 

Remember, Katch22 --- The only one constant in all your failed relationships is you.

[Hot Coco]

Katch,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me especially since i've been bashed left and right lately.

 

You might think that the advice given by Enigma is harsh but you know what? I completely agree with everything Enigma said. And I like his/her style. Very no nonsense. Don't get senstitive and hurt Katch like those other sensitive types on here (yeah, you know who they are...the ones who can't handle the truth.) Anyway, sorry got off the subject there.

 

I just think I really couldn't have said it better myself. Read that post over a few times and take what you think applies and throw away the rest (if there's anything in there that doesn't apply to your situation.)

 

It's good that you're angry now. Maybe you'll have a better chance of doing this but usually anger is temporary and when it's over you'll be right back to where you started from. You need to dig deeper and ask yourself why you don't think you deserve better than this.

 

He's telling you that he does not choose you by being with ex-wife. His actions tell you ALL you need to know. Forget what he says and look at what he does.

[allaboutchoices]

 

Choices, thanks for saying you're proud of me but what did I do? Did I say something right for a change???

I thought your choice of words was easy to be taken the way you meant it. That seem to be the problem at times with you and other posters

[BadBadGirl]

with all due respect I really don't see how you can diagnose her as an alcoholic when we know nothing about her drinking habits. Besides, that's no even the issue at hand.

 

i know. there's a lot of people on here who like to diagnose, and ls does NOT like that one bit. i had a whole thread deleted because of it, because someone suggested i might be depressed.

 

still, i think people are just trying to help. everyone knows not to take the advice of online strangers to a fault. if they don't, then well, i don't know, maybe they shouldn't be here.

[lust4life]

WHILE drunk and petending to be doing something else, none of you see that as a problem?

 

Oh and, like COCOA professes, I too can be blunt, I don't see that there is any need to be passive about this topic, drinking and then calling to sabotage someones relationship, is over the top, it is out of the realms of what I would consider ok behavior. YOU all chasing after me won't make me change my mind. Maybe, someone pointing that out to her could be a great help!!

 

And furthermore, I don't have to be a 'suck up' to post.

[Hot Coco]

Lust4life, believe me I respect your style and that you said that you won't be one of those suck up people like so many on here. We're probably a lot alike (so you'll be bashed too!) and I see your point but I just don't think that's the relevant part of the story here. And I agree with the other poster that we shouldn't "diagnose" especially when we don't have enough info to do so.

 

I haven't told Katch all she wants to hear. Have I Katch? I called her on the fact that I didn't think she was really in NC...I think maybe she is now though.

 

I guess I'm saying that you're style is fine with me but it was the content that I was disagreeing with.

 

And I think Katch was understandbly upset with your post. But I REALLY hope you don't stop posting (doesn't sound like you will though). I for one, would like to see more people on here "tell it like it is." Too many sheep around here. Enigma is also one of those "tell it like it is" people.

 

Katch, in my opinion people like that will be of more help to you than those sheep. And you seem to be able to take it, unlike some.

 

So how's it going Katch? Are you still angry with the MF?

[Katch22]

Listen you don't know me and my drinking habits! I drink about 3-4 a month and it is usually on the weekends which also happen to be the same time that I was without M/M so as I would sit and rehash everything that he had said to me and everything that M/M & I would talk about you start to get angry. Because you start to think that it all is lies, all lies but then you can't call and talk to m/m cause he's at home in his OH SO UNHAPPY LIFE, atleast that what he would say. Then you start to drink more and then you start to think more and so on, and so on, and so on. This m/m just like the rest of them had me and him picking out the brand new cars I swear to God this man would get online and we would go looking for new cars at dealerships that we were gonna buy together and we would get online to plan our first vacation with our kids and without. This would all be brought up by him, he would initiate all of our future plans with me. I always wanted to talk about it but I never wanted to put myself out there like that and he would pry until I finally would talk about our future. I never meant for any of this to happen we were just suppose to be friends when she moved back in. And just like the rest of them m/m he would call me and tell me all the things that were going on good or bad. We had more of an EA then a PA but then in time the PA started and then stopped and then started again.

So when you think I was calling to sabotage their realationship you are DEAD WRONG why does he get to go back home like he never did anything wrong and never had an A. He suppose to return unscathed to his happily ever after home, like what we had was never true. He created this mess that WE sat in together and then tried to walk away.

 

The saying NOW YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED, AND NOW YOU'VE GOT TO LYE IN IT!! SOUNDS LIKE THAT IS WHAT I DID!! I FORCED HIM TO LYE IN THE MESS THAT HE F*CKING CREATED SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I'M THE ONE WHO IS WRONG HERE!! HE HAS CHEATED ON HER BEFORE AND THAT IS WHAT CAUSED THEIR DIVORCE IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO, DO YOU THINK THAT A MAN WHO HAS DONE THIS BEFORE TO HIS WIFE/EX-WIFE SHOULD GET AWAY SCOTT FREE??????????????????????

 

 

So by all means this is as you said yourself (to quote you)

"is over the top, it is out of the realms of what I would consider ok behavior. "

And just like you I can be just as blunt!!

[Katch22]

Hey EnigmaXOXO,

I loved what you said with all of it. Some of it rang true and I probably never would've seen it cause your right my friends will always be the ones to sugar coat. And then some of it was a little of base because your not getting the whole picture. But thank you it was very insightful!!

 

Positive critism is what I needed not the harsh judgemental bashing that some people dish out without having all the facts.

[Katch22]

Hey Coco,

That MF called me today and I sent him to voicemail and then I turned my phone back off cause I knew who would try again and he did just like I said he called exactly at the time I said he would when I was inline picking up my daughter from school that used to be our time to talk. But this time he left a message. It didn't say much except I've been trying to call you all day and can't get through and that he was calling just to see how today went I had an appointment today and he knew about it. So I didn't call back and I still haven't emailed him back yet either.

 

Hey Girl checkout what I posted in the thread "confusing situation" I was laughing so hard at what I was saying that I was crying!!!

[lust4life]

No, scott free would not be anything I would want him to be. What I do think is that the way a MM lives his life should never have affected how you live yours. You got involved with him knowing his situation and apparently that it has been a pattern for him to boot. So, YOU should tell his wife, or X if you have really checked the courts for proof of that, then call her an X , do you have the docket number?

Anyhow, yes,she should know, and if you want out you should not tell her in a way that you HOPE to make MM think was a silly drunken mistake on your part. Do you see that?

 

I don't care about car shopping, that doesn't mean anything about LOVE and commitment and marriage to me, you apparently see it as something binding, I don't get it. I don't have to I guess.

 

The way you wrote your post talking baout yourself in the thrid person while drinking seems like a way to disassociate yourself from your own actions. Just a thought on that.

 

You wrote "just like all of them" Did you mean other married men that you have been with, or all the married men you are now well aware lie, and lie and then you are also living their lie and your own lie, but continue to do it?

 

More thoughts, maybe if MM didn't turn into "MY MM" like a possession maybe then you would see he really belongs to noone but is infact a MM and not yours to claim.

 

Thanks for the feedback, and fro the record I DID NOT CALL YOU AN ALCOHOLIC, I said you may want to check out AA. The program isn't just for those that label themselves as an alcoholic, but also for those that MAY have a problem with drinking.

 

Recap, Yes, you should tell his w or x. not in a playing game type manner though, and probably not when drunk. I would guess you didnt' feel proud of the moment. Were you hoping he would run to you and say he forgave you for the mistaken dial?

[Hot Coco]

All excellent comments except for telling the X/W or whatever she is. I don't happen to think that that's your place. I don't see the point to it at all. You've cut him out now why be vindictive. I never have agreed with doing that at all.

[Katch22]

Hot coco,

we were still very much involved with each other when I made the phone calls to his house. So to clear that up. I wasn't being vindictive but being fair. He made the bed and now he doesn't get to get out of it and have the maid changes the sheets like he never slept in it.

 

Lust4life

Yes I do know for a fact that they are divorced have check that out along time ago.

 

Are far as the xmm he is the first one I have ever been involved with were I was the ow.

 

The story of me being drunk the why I tell it is so other people can understand the story. If you are writing a story about someone life you write it in a third party way. So NO disassiociation on my part I know exactly what I did. And hind sight I probably never would made that call the way I did, but I did and there is nothing I can do about it now.

 

And futhermore Yes he did forgive me but he did tell me that he knows that I did it on purpose. And yes he knows me well enough to know that it wasn't a mistake. So wether I was wrong or right for what I did there nothing I can do now!!

[Hot Coco]

Katch, I loved the way you put that (about the bed and the maid changing sheets, etc,) That was funny and I see your point but sorry, I STILL don't agree with contacting her.

 

So how are you today anyway? Is NC getting easier?

[Katch22]

Boy I could used some help today!!! Well I caved in. I had gotten home last night and was still really strong even thought I got 2 voicemails from him and the second one you could hear him crying. I have nextel and he tried hitting me on my radio and I realized it and before he could beep me again I hit the power button. Theres no mistaken that when your on the other side!! HAHA!

I felt so much power over this situation knowing that he knew I was very seriuos about it this time. And then I got home and got a email from him it was very short and to the point. He wrote NOT TALKING, I understand and I'm sad. That it that's all he wrote I felt like writing back well thats just a tenth of the hurt I've gone through but I didn't.

 

So then today I bite my nose off dispite my face!! As usuall that complusive behavior gets the best of me.

 

I had a VERY IMPORTANT MEETING TODAYit involves a very large part of my life and it didn't go good but it didn't go bad. But it was a let down. I have a lawsuit going on and it was hopefully going to come to a final agreement but didn't it was reset!! THAT SUCKED!

So, I had called him this morning because that what he said he was calling for yesterday and I knew that he wanted to know how it went and TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST HE THE ONLY ONE I WANTED TO TALK TO ABOUT IT. HE'S BEEN THERE SINCE DAY ONE AND IT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!

[Hot Coco]

Well, maybe you could go back on NC. If you're serious you can't be using him for emotional support anymore. Just get back to it. Don't fall back into letting him use you.

 

Good luck!

[Katch22]

Well I stood my ground again today. I had to call him unfurtunetly(sp?) because I realized when I went looking for my digital camera to take pics of my house before we get this FREAKIN hurricane that he had it. I had spoke to him on many different occasion yesterday and kept telling him that I refuse to get sucked back into this situation no more. So then I sent him a email with my post that said RUN GIRLFRIEND RUN from "confusing situation" I cut and pasted it the whole thing and then the second one that I had posted too. And I told him that I was removing him one day at a time out of my life anyway I see nessecary(sp?). So when I called him this morning he sounds HORRIBLE I asked him if he was sleeping he said no I asked are you alright he said I just didn't get any sleep last night. I really didn't feel very sympathetic towards him because there were plenty of sleepless night in my life over the last year. He wanted to talk and I was getting another call so I told him what I was calling for and asked him to please call me if he found it and I said I had to go...... So he then called me 9 in a hour but wouldn't leave a message. So called back and he said he had it and I said I'll catch up with you later and get it I've got groceries and I need to get them home. Of course he races over here to help with groceries. He tried to hug me and I wouldn't respond and he tried to talk to me and I just kept holding my ground, and then as he was leaving he asked for a hug good bye. I said no he said but I want one and I said sorry but I don't get what I want in life and you don't either life is just not fair now is it!! and he left I said be careful during the hurricane. And that was it!! God it felt soo gggoooooodddd!!!!!

 

 

But I still want him and I wish it wasn't all a lie!!

[Hot Coco]

And you know why I think it felt so good? Because YOU'RE in control now. YOU have the upper hand. Not him. Hope it stays that way.

 

I'll be praying for you that this stupid hurricane stays away. I used to live in FL too!