steve9417 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Appreciate thoughts on a girl I really like and dated twice - we're both in our late 40's early 50's and she's two kids - one grown up - the second date was confusing as we ended up having an long hug followed by a full on kiss which i initiated - for the last 1/2 hour of the 2nd date we were holding hands and she was affectionate - when i got home she messaged me with the following - She said "The hug was really good (and unexpected) - it's been a long time since I had a hug from another person and it felt really lovely. The kiss felt a little too soon for me, and I wish I'd said so at the time. I would like to meet again, but take things really slowly." I messaged straight back saying the kiss didn't feel right and to be honest i didn't know how i ended up doing it and apologized - since then there's been no contact between us and she'd not opened a message I sent her on What's App for over 36 hours ago. My paranoid head says I've blown it but I'd be interested in others thoughts / how to play it - I really like her and it's preoccupying my headspace - thanks
Wiseman2 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 6 minutes ago, steve9417 said: - we're both in our late 40's early 50's - the second date was confusing as we ended up having an long hug followed by a full on kiss which i initiated - It's really important to keep in mind that after 2 dates, you're not exclusive so both of you are still talking to and meeting others. You sent her a reply, now step back. She'll either respond...or not. Try not to take it personally. You don't even know each other well. Maybe she's dating around, maybe she's on/off with the ex, so many variables...so who knows?
Fletch Lives Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 It was the perfect time for the kiss, good job! She's just not into you and probably on the rebound.
Author steve9417 Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 Wiseman2 / Fletch Lives - appreciate that though it hurts to read it - makes me start the process of leaving it entirely, even though I'd planned to message her over the weekend - she dated someone last year and from the sounds of things got hurt - so the rebound kinda makes sense 1 1
cleverusername Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 You did the right thing my man, If she wasn't into it she would have had a reaction in the moment or soon after, not hours later. It's a cop out, she's trying to keep you on the roster while she dates around, but doesn't know where you are in the lineup. Just date other people in the meantime. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) You didn't blow it by kissing her. At her age & life experience it makes zero sense to me that she was this thrown by a kiss to end a date. A kiss at the end is pretty traditional & it was when she was in HS, college & in her 20s. It's not like she's from Victorian England & a kiss caused a scandal. Unless you practically attacked her there were plenty of non-verbal things she could have & should have done n in the moment to signal lack of interest in a kiss. If you want to see her again, go ahead but her reaction was a red flag. Heed my warning two kids not withstanding, she is coming acorss as a very cold fish & you could be headed for a sexless relationship. Your willingness to throw yourself under the bus & undercut your own authority in here doesn't bode well for your assertiveness either so maybe that makes you a good match. Edited March 26, 2021 by d0nnivain 4
introverted1 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 3 hours ago, steve9417 said: Appreciate thoughts on a girl I really like and dated twice - we're both in our late 40's early 50's and she's two kids - one grown up - the second date was confusing as we ended up having an long hug followed by a full on kiss which i initiated - for the last 1/2 hour of the 2nd date we were holding hands and she was affectionate - when i got home she messaged me with the following - She said "The hug was really good (and unexpected) - it's been a long time since I had a hug from another person and it felt really lovely. The kiss felt a little too soon for me, and I wish I'd said so at the time. I would like to meet again, but take things really slowly." I messaged straight back saying the kiss didn't feel right and to be honest i didn't know how i ended up doing it and apologized - since then there's been no contact between us and she'd not opened a message I sent her on What's App for over 36 hours ago. My paranoid head says I've blown it but I'd be interested in others thoughts / how to play it - I really like her and it's preoccupying my headspace - thanks What is a "full on" kiss?
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 1 minute ago, introverted1 said: What is a "full on" kiss? I assumed a French kiss with tongue, as opposed to a sweet peck.
introverted1 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I assumed a French kiss with tongue, as opposed to a sweet peck. Even a French kiss can vary quite a bit, from a more gentle probing to an extreme press. I've had guys who kissed pretty aggressively early on and I wasn't a fan. On a second date, I'd like something in between a peck and a deep tongue kiss. Ironically, my desire to go more slowly has gotten stronger as I've gotten older. Some of the hormones of my youth have cleared out and I'm better able to assess the person/situation, rather than jump in headfirst. 1
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 3 hours ago, steve9417 said: She said "The hug was really good (and unexpected) - it's been a long time since I had a hug from another person and it felt really lovely. The kiss felt a little too soon for me, and I wish I'd said so at the time. I would like to meet again, but take things really slowly." I can't imagine a grown woman late 40s saying something like this. She is not emotionally available, she's hoping an ex will come back, she has someone else in mind, your guess is as good as mind. There will be nothing fun dating this woman. If I were you I would stay silent until she reaches back. Then there is the matter of Taking things slow? she's going to waste your time. 1
notbroken Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I don't think you went too fast for most people. She is going to move at a snail's pace. Maybe never really available. Is it worth it to you to wait forever? I don't agree with the '3 date rule' and some people just move slower than that but a lady that won't hug/kiss may never be able too. Find someone emotionally and physically available - she probably isn't it.
ShyViolet Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I think it's very weird that she was so freaked out by a kiss. This woman must have issues, either that or she's just not that into you. It's probably best to steer clear of her. 1
chillii Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Gees l'm surprised by the drastic reactions from women here. Feel like l must've missed somem but wanting to take it nice and slow would be no biggie , fair enough. She said it'd been a long time since she'd hugged and how lovely that was and she'd still like to see you again . Forget the kiss op , so what ok take it slower but what l'd say has her not answering now for a start is you should've taken some time before answering that, absorbed what she's said and what to say back. Bc saying it didn't feel right makes her feel she didn't feel right to you then so maybe what's the point now then. Just thoughts , could be wrong but if someone said that to me that'd be the first thing l'd think. Edited March 26, 2021 by chillii 1 1
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I agree with @Chilli, she was not expecting the kiss, she was on a much slower timeline. It is apparently a long time since since she got physical, so she is not going to go at 100mph with some stranger. Full on kiss date 2 implies full on sex date 3 and for people who are rusty, that is just too much to ask. Yes, saying the kiss didn't feel right would have made me feel criticised and awkward and turned me off too. I am not really surprised she has gone MIA. 5
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Hmmmm all I can think of is that you kind of pounced, OP. While a woman can like you and want to date you if you fail to read the moment or act like that was something that is just what you should "get" at the end of a date or way to test if she is into you or an affectionate person, I can see that going wrong actually. Idk, contrary to a lot of the other responses you've gotten I think how a person handles this kiss moment will have bearing on what she thinks of you---like you can't just extract the physical act of planting a kiss on her. Perhaps that is what she meant by slow...that it wasn't organic to the date and that moment. That is important IMO. That said. I think she could have said "slow" just so as to not totally throw the whole relationship out even though that kiss threw her for a loop. I guess that would worry me if she is really THAT slow! I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that perhaps she was just saying that to allow for a restart and that you came at her the "wrong" way plus it sounds like you still want a chance with her. But if she is SERIOUSLY meaning slow as if on next dates even if you generate a better romantic vibe and the perfect moment and she STILL is not the type to kiss (and presuming she is not highly religious) well, wow that's too slow!! Personally rather than the kiss itself (which if you get another date with her I would just say keep on working on making it the best date possible as you should anyway), I'd be most worried that she has not responded to a text in 36 hours. That seems like she is done or jerking you around in a way and is probably the most telling. ball is in her court I'm afraid. If she pops back up in a week or so, I don't know if you should be into it TBH. 1
smackie9 Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) If a guy messaged me saying the kiss didn't feel right, I wouldn't message him back either. I think she was trying to be genuine, but your response sounded butt hurt. That's my take on it. Edited March 26, 2021 by smackie9 1
Author steve9417 Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 So the kiss was a full on snog - we'd been hugging for about half a minute and she kept tightening her hold of me - it led me to interpret it in a way that was physical and thus I made thought she wanted to kiss as much as me. The message I sent her was in haste and compounded by me hitting the send button in error before I'd finished rereading/composing it - so to say it didn't feel right was not the case. Perhaps her lack of a response is influenced by these words as some of you have pointed out - but there again it could be she's just not into me / pre-occupied elsewhere. I think to discount her coldness based on my text wording I'll send her a message saying what I meant to say it was nice to kiss her but the timing on reflection wasn't right ....... then just leave it with her and move on but also reflect on what attracts me to be with an unavailable woman - because it's an unhealthy attachment. Really appreciate the replies - thanks
poppyfields Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 5 hours ago, steve9417 said: I messaged straight back saying the kiss didn't feel right and to be honest i didn't know how i ended up doing it and apologized ... No one mentioned this, but for your part this^^ was the worst response you could have given and may be why you haven't heard back. I mean telling her the kiss didn't feel right and you apologized for it? No woman wants to hear that, sorry man. I agree with chilli, and I applaud her forthrightness in telling you. A simple, "I understand. Would love to see you again too, I will give you a call in a few days to set something up." Not sure if the kiss blew it, but what you texted in response to her text certainly might have. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Yeah, you got trapped following some old-fashioned, robotic script for how a date should end and for how a confident man acts (he should "go for" the kiss). Time to throw out that script. Two reveals here: her reaction and your reaction. And the key point is that the kiss didn't feel right to YOU! Stop right there. The truth is you don't need to think about kissing someone. If I have chemistry with a woman I do not have to strategize, I don't have to calculate when I'll put my arm around her or touch her hand or kiss her. It just happens. And it happens because we're clicking. We'll subtly enter closer into each other's space. One of us will touch the other somewhere. You inch closer without the least bit of deliberate effort. It happens! If I can’t naturally get my hands on someone without plotting, then that means something isn’t working. If she's gone MIA, chill. You guys didn't have chemistry in the first place. Now I admit the hug sounds a bit awkward. But the way you describe it, it was almost like she was a traumatized person who really NEEDED the hug and just the hug. You can probably think back to that moment and realize that the hug felt different than a typical pre-kiss hug. But chill dude. The premature kiss didn't ruin anything. The kiss was premature because you guys didn't have any chemistry going--at least not yet. Edited March 26, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 5 hours ago, steve9417 said: I messaged straight back saying the kiss didn't feel right But is it true? or you were just trying to be on her side?
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 don't send another message to explain the explanation. No please don't. It won't help IMO> 2
Author steve9417 Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 The kiss felt right from my side - the timing clearly was ahead of her curve but I've no regrets in kissing her - do i let her know my text was wrong and it felt right but the timing wrong or just leave it
cleverusername Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) My advice, don't do anything OP. You're in between a rock and hard place now. If you clarify, it just makes it sound worse. She's emotionally unavailable with 2 kids (remember she deflected first) you just had a response that complicated it. Don't complicate it further. Lesson learned, next time don't apologize just deflect but for now let her come to you and set the pace. See other people, it's two dates. The short: She is lukewarm at best and the work you will need to put in now to change her mind wont, in my opinion, be worth it. @steve9417 Edited March 26, 2021 by cleverusername 2
Lotsgoingon Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Which is it? Did it feel right or not? I messaged straight back saying the kiss didn't feel right and to be honest i didn't know how i ended up doing it.
Author steve9417 Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 Yes - it felt right - I sent the message in error as hit the send button before reading back
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