He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[glows]

Both of you may be mismatched anyway. Not saying this to discourage you but to put this in perspective. It's your sense of longing and wistfulness and unrest that is so pitiful to watch but I commend you for your loyalty in your relationship. Relationships take work and give/take so if you can recognize your drawbacks as a partner maybe you'll be able to understand why both of you are not on the same wavelength if he is working FT and you are a student FT. You're basically worlds apart with different priorities. 

I'm not saying that both of you shouldn't be together, not at all. 

This may have nothing to do with keeping in touch by # of texts or calls and more to do with that big gap in your priorities and lives. There's some lack of understanding there, not enough empathy or leaning into each other fully understanding what the other is going through and also the security knowing that each of you are committed to each other. It would be false to assume that an increased number of texts or calls equates to closeness in a relationship. So how do you bridge that gap? I think overall greater empathy for each other will help, if the quality of time really is so quality then make it count on the weekends. If you both are truly committed to each other then why don't you talk about your future together more? 

You can't simply be living for Sat and Sun when you're at Sat and Sun, right? Maybe that "more" means progress after two years and that "more" means more intellectual and emotional closeness. I think you two may be lacking that or have stalled/aren't growing together as a couple as much as you'd like. (nothing having to do with number of calls or texts during the week)

Edited April 5, 2021 by glows

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

It would be false to assume that an increased number of texts or calls equates to closeness in a relationship. 

True. 

Still want to say to OP, you are not wrong is expecting some kind of communication from your boyfriend during the week when you are not able to be together. It is a reasonable expectation for anybody who wants to be in a relationship. 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What is customary and obligatory to some is what fuels the connection for others though. 

And, what is customary and obligatory one week may be exciting, supportive, and fuel connection the next. For example, one week may be the boring hum drum of work but the next week, you’re planning a weekend getaway, or you got a promotion and you are excited to share your news and celebrate, or his mum has been diagnosed with an illness and he needs to talk... 

Relationships are dynamic, filled with everything from the boring and mundane to the exciting and wonderful. To say, I want to speak with you but only on the weekend is a really controlled, all or nothing way to be in a relationship... most people will seek to find a healthy middle ground that meets the needs of BOTH partners. 

Problems arise when you have either one of the extremes - always boring, mundane, obligatory, lacking connection or a needy partner who is demanding too much of their partner. 

I don't disagree.  For some people, perhaps even many people. 

Problem is (like I said), OP feels connected through these "check ins," and in her mind and heart supportive exchanges mid week and her boyfriend does not.

He does not connect with her in this way, he connects in person.  In fact, he told her as much. 

Who is to judge that?  To say it's wrong, that's not what a healthy supportive relationship looks like or is? 

No one has that right, we each do relationships in our own way and hope our partner matches our style.  As princeofgame said earlier, is on our same wavelength.

BluePink and her boyfriend are just a mismatch in this regard, and as such, sadly, I do not envision things going well for her, but wish her luck nevertheless.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I will come to her defence here. 

And I will come to my own defense. "Should" is not a solution for me personally. It's a judgement. A judgement that one person is 100% right and everyone else is wrong. Nor do I find "should" supportive whatsoever.

For me personally judgements do not help or solve problems. If I walked into a hospital with chest pain and the doctor said, geez, you 'should' be feeling better, offering zero practical solutions etc., I would run like hell. 

Most people create their own stress with the gradient between what "should" be and what is. When someone addresses what is, a solution is at hand and life goes on. And my advice to the OP is deal with how he is and find a compromise rather than what "should be".

Edited April 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

I will say one thing in favor of OP's boyfriend. With him, what you see is what you get. He's not pretending to be super-attentive 7 days a week while they're dating, only to turn into his true self after marriage. He gives as much as he wants to give when he wants to give it, and then he disengages. And he doesn't care that OP needs/wants more. This is who he is. The beauty of dealing with someone like this is you have all the info you need to make a decision about the relationship.  

OP,  the problem is that you're not taking his actions at face value. You're determined to believe that he can somehow be convinced to change. He's not a perfect guy with a tiny flaw. He's someone who is incompatible with you in a major way: your need for connection goes deeper than his, and that need is not getting met in your relationship. Someone else who was similar to him might thrive under the circumstances. But you aren't that person. So you feel like something is missing. There's nothing wrong with your feeling that way. 

You can choose to stay in the relationship and ultimately marry, of course. But the fact that a significant need of yours is not being met will leave you feeling resentful over time. It can even lead to your contemplating infidelity.,

You're obviously not ready to end the relationship today, and that's fine. You want to try everything you can to see if the relationship can be saved. That's perfectly understandable. For your own sake, though, be honest with yourself. Don't be dismissive of your own emotional needs. They matter. You matter.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Acacia98

[BluePink123]

He texted me today! To hear how my first in person day and covid test went because he knew I was concerned how the day and test would go! I know he texted me because I told him it was important to me and he didn't do it on his own, but I am just so happy I heard from him. I didn't ask how work was with him bec I know he doesn't want to discuss it. I was going to write see was that so hard on your lunch break to check in? Lol

See I think he doesn't mind texting when he has something to say or ask. I don't think he finds it necessary to just say how is everything? He likes to text with a purpose. I guess that makes sense maybe. I am just glad he texted me today bec that would have been a huge problem since I told him yesterday how much it would mean to me to hear from him. 

Yes we see each other Friday night-Sunday night every week.

I am really happy with him, yes this relationship might not lead to marriage and I am not sure what our future holds, but I am happy with him right now. I just think he is a great man. I agree nobody is perfect and I shouldn't focus on the negative. 
 

I just don't think there is a perfect guy out there. If I found someone else I am sure there would be an issue with him too.

I just think this communication issue could be fixed, I guess time will tell. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

He texted me today! To hear how my first in person day and covid test went because he knew I was concerned how the day and test would go! I know he texted me because I told him it was important to me and he didn't do it on his own, but I am just so happy I heard from him. I didn't ask how work was with him bec I know he doesn't want to discuss it. I was going to write see was that so hard on your lunch break to check in? Lol

See I think he doesn't mind texting when he has something to say or ask. I don't think he finds it necessary to just say how is everything? He likes to text with a purpose. I guess that makes sense maybe. I am just glad he texted me today bec that would have been a huge problem since I told him yesterday how much it would mean to me to hear from him. 

Yes we see each other Friday night-Sunday night every week.

I am really happy with him, yes this relationship might not lead to marriage and I am not sure what our future holds, but I am happy with him right now. I just think he is a great man. I agree nobody is perfect and I shouldn't focus on the negative. 
I just don't think there is a perfect guy out there. If I found someone else I am sure there would be an issue with him too.

I just think this communication issue could be fixed, I guess time will tell. 

That's awesome Blue, and your comment "he likes to text with a purpose," this is most men in my experience.  

I hope this post will put to rest all the naysayers; enjoy your relationship, be happy.  xo

Edited April 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

 I was going to write see was that so hard on your lunch break to check in? Lol

I hope you didn't actually write this!    It would be such an annoying comment to receive after having made an effort.

Sending a simple heart or 'I love you' would be so much more positive

Edited April 5, 2021 by basil67

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I hope you didn't actually write this!    It would be such an annoying comment to receive after having made an effort.

To me, that comment sounds like a playful tease and if they have that type of dynamic, why not?  It's fun to be playful sometimes, not take everything so seriously.

Probably best to say it in person when you see him this weekend, versus over text.  Assuming you have that type of playful bantery type of dynamic.

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sending a simple heart or 'I love you' would be so much more positive

I agree, the  would be sweet.

Most important BluePink is be your natural self, no one can really tell you how to respond, you respond however you wish.

I am happy for you and glad you spoke up.

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[FMW]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

I was going to write see was that so hard on your lunch break to check in? Lol

I cringed a bit when I read that.  I agree with @basil67, please don't tease him about actually doing what you've been wanting him to do.  There's a really good chance he won't appreciate your humor.  

I'm glad for you that he texted.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

I am just glad he texted me today bec that would have been a huge problem since I told him yesterday how much it would mean to me to hear from him. 

Yes, that speaks volumes.  That he listens and cares, cares about making you happy.

This is such great news Blue, I am so glad you shared with us, I really hope this works out for you, he sounds like a wonderful man.

 

[BluePink123]

Thank you all so much for the support!

Of course I wouldn't write that. I just was thinking it. I just told him how my day and test went. Short convo but happy it happened. 

I doubt he will keep up with texting, but I am just going to be positive. Who knows what the futute holds with us, but I am happy to be with him and I rather be with him than not. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, BluePink123 said:

Of course I wouldn't write that. I just was thinking it. I just told him how my day and test went. Short convo but happy it happened

I was just checking

Glad it went well 

[Crazelnut]

Allright!  He threw you a crumb after you begged for it. Hooray?

[Emilyinroses]

On 4/5/2021 at 5:09 PM, poppyfields said:

Yes, that speaks volumes.  That he listens and cares, cares about making you happy.

This is such great news Blue, I am so glad you shared with us, I really hope this works out for you, he sounds like a wonderful man.

 

He sounds like a wonderful man after 2 years of ignoring her and sending ONE text? []

He sent her one text just for her to be quiet, some breadcrumbs of attention.

What would show improvement is CONSISTENCY of communication. She doesn’t even know why he was’t texting before, there were nothing talked about it.

[OP] Did he tell you, COMMUNICATED with you, that he only texts with purpose? No! That was YOUR opinion alone. And that also means no purpose for 2 years?

Please girl, raise your standards and don’t take breadcrumbs. If he is amazing for texting once, then all men are.

What you want to look at is consistency over time, open communication, not once in a blue moon text.

This will revert to the same old, please make sure you don’t put your rose tinted glasses again and forget your needs.

Edited April 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude

[Emilyinroses]

3 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Allright!  He threw you a crumb after you begged for it. Hooray?

She is co-dependent. She prefers breadcrumbs to being alone. That sets her up to accept anything that this guy throws at her and make her jump with joy with the temporary attention.

She needs to heal this pattern. When she does she’ll see how ridiculous this all is.

Edited April 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Yes, that speaks volumes.  That he listens and cares, cares about making you happy.

This is such great news Blue, I am so glad you shared with us, I really hope this works out for you, he sounds like a wonderful man.

 

It only means he is giving her breadcrumbs to shut her off. Like parents give some sweets to toddlers to keep them quiet for a while. 

He will go back to the same old again. I wish I wasn’t right but this is too obvious to ignore. 

I wish her well and that she wakes up very soon before she wastes more time.

Edited April 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

Right.

My former fiancé and I were together for 7 years and he had an extremely demanding career and I would hear from him several times per day and we spent multiple days together.

But he was also an extrovert and loved being around people.

I realize every relationship is different and if this works for the OP, then it works. 

It is beneficial to be 'fluid and dynamic' so that you can easily adapt and adjust based on what you want or need at any given time.

My only concern is her mention of settling versus being alone. I wonder why that is? 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He sounds like a wonderful man after 2 years of ignoring her and sending ONE text? []

This would be my concern, too. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoted post

[Dis]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

It only means he is giving her breadcrumbs to shut her off. Like parents give some sweets to toddlers to keep them quiet for a while. 

He will go back to the same old again. I wish I wasn’t right but this is too obvious to ignore. 

I wish her well and that she wakes up very soon before she wastes more time.

^^^Love your posts on this thread 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

 I think he doesn't mind texting when he has something to say or ask. He likes to text with a purpose. 

I agree with this. Nonsense small talk chitchat after working all day is draining.

Text when you have something worthwhile to talk about.

Otherwise save random smalltalk chatter for your friends and family.

As I kept mentioning, text when you have some worthwhile things to discuss, not just because you're bored.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

I agree with this. Nonsense small talk chitchat after working all day is draining.

Text when you have something worthwhile to talk about.

Otherwise save random smalltalk chatter for your friends and family.

As I kept mentioning, text when you have some worthwhile things to discuss, not just because you're bored.

Asking how are you and wanting to know if the person I love is ok should be worthwhile enough when you are an alive human being.

[poppyfields]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I agree with this. Nonsense small talk chitchat after working all day is draining.

Text when you have something worthwhile to talk about.

Otherwise save random smalltalk chatter for your friends and family.

As I kept mentioning, text when you have some worthwhile things to discuss, not just because you're bored.

My sentiments exactly.  Such texting can also become banal and turn into an obligatory routine that gets old. For some people, couples.  They prefer quality in-person time to connect and bond. 

Again, I invite y'all to watch some Esther Perel videos for a different perspective.

[]

Edited April 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[glows]

16 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

I didn't ask how work was with him bec I know he doesn't want to discuss it. I was going to write see was that so hard on your lunch break to check in? Lol

See I think he doesn't mind texting when he has something to say or ask. I don't think he finds it necessary to just say how is everything? He likes to text with a purpose. I guess that makes sense maybe. I am just glad he texted me today bec that would have been a huge problem since I told him yesterday how much it would mean to me to hear from him. 

No, don't make a joke like that and it's too soon. He's trying and he specifically did what you asked. Maybe the both of you can work on your communication a bit better and build from there, create more understanding between the both of you. Every relationship requires trust and communication. If you can sense that in your partner and a desire to want to build on your relationship with the same efforts, that's a good sign keeping in mind that you both do have very different priorities. Hopefully you can have a broader picture of your future together rather than blithely mentioning marriage for example but not talking about it realistically. (again, communication)

Great news and happy for you.