He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[poppyfields]

>>Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused — when two become one — connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.”<<

~Esther Perel

If more couples understood this paradox, perhaps the divorce rate would not be as astronomically high as it is now and couples wouldn't be discarding each other like yesterday's news.

 

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

Then stay if you want to stay, OP. I do detect a sense of longing and sadness in your post which is hard to ignore. I think it's ridiculous to keep putting on a brave face if you're clearly not happy (yet swearing blind that you are). 

See how it goes and don't be afraid to walk away from this if it's not for you later on down the line. And so what about being alone? 

[BluePink123]

I created this thread for opinions/ideas for things I should try or say to fix this situation. I also wanted to see if others had SO who were like this and maybe we could figure out why he is like this.

I don't want to dump him. I love him.

He always returns my texts except for that mall one because he didn't what to say or didn't want to upset me because he didn't want to go.

He is not in this relationship for just sex, he waited over a year to have sex with me because I wasn't ready and never pressured me.

I just don't want people to view him as a player or someone who doesn't care about me.

He seemed sad when I brought this up this weekend. I said it doesn't feel like we're in a real relationship and feel disconnected. He said he doesn't want to talk about work during the week. I just said we could talk about other things. He just said okay... So we'll see if he texts me, he knows I go back to in person school this week. I said it would be nice to hear from you.

Just seems like such a ridiculous issue. He is the perfect guy and the only thing missing is him sending me a few texts during the week. 😥

Maybe there's more going on here that he can't discuss for some reason. Emotional or mental issues?? Maybe it's not about not caring about me or thinking he has nothing to say, busy with work, bothering me etc.

I wonder what the real reason is? 

[Emilyinroses]

50 minutes ago, BluePink123 said:

I created this thread for opinions/ideas for things I should try or say to fix this situation. I also wanted to see if others had SO who were like this and maybe we could figure out why he is like this.

I don't want to dump him. I love him.

He always returns my texts except for that mall one because he didn't what to say or didn't want to upset me because he didn't want to go.

He is not in this relationship for just sex, he waited over a year to have sex with me because I wasn't ready and never pressured me.

I just don't want people to view him as a player or someone who doesn't care about me.

He seemed sad when I brought this up this weekend. I said it doesn't feel like we're in a real relationship and feel disconnected. He said he doesn't want to talk about work during the week. I just said we could talk about other things. He just said okay... So we'll see if he texts me, he knows I go back to in person school this week. I said it would be nice to hear from you.

Just seems like such a ridiculous issue. He is the perfect guy and the only thing missing is him sending me a few texts during the week. 😥

Maybe there's more going on here that he can't discuss for some reason. Emotional or mental issues?? Maybe it's not about not caring about me or thinking he has nothing to say, busy with work, bothering me etc.

I wonder what the real reason is? 

Well at least finally you are acknowledging there is a problem and you want to know what it is, instead of just accepting and feeling bad. Good you are realising your feelings are valid.

Have you ever visited him mid week to see how he is or how he lives? 

Yes something’s going on and you won’t be ok until you figure it out. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[BluePink123]

13 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well at least finally you are acknowledging there is a problem and you want to know what it is, instead of just accepting and feeling bad. Good you are realising your feelings are valid.

Have you ever visited him mid week to see how he is or how he lives? 

Yes something’s going on and you won’t be ok until you figure it out. 

Yeah I am not only dissapointed he doesn't want to check in with me on his own, he doesn't even do it to make me happy. He knows it upsets me and he doesn't care. I just can't understand it because he spends the weekend trying to make me happy and have so much fun!

Back in the Spring when covid started I did stay with him for 4 or 5 days. He wasn't working during that time. We enjoyed our time together.

Is there a better way to phrase the question of what is the matter and why it is so hard for him to communicate on weekdays?

I really hope I hear from him this week since I just brought this up again and said it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship and disconnected. 

 

[Emilyinroses]

36 minutes ago, BluePink123 said:

Yeah I am not only dissapointed he doesn't want to check in with me on his own, he doesn't even do it to make me happy. He knows it upsets me and he doesn't care. I just can't understand it because he spends the weekend trying to make me happy and have so much fun!

Back in the Spring when covid started I did stay with him for 4 or 5 days. He wasn't working during that time. We enjoyed our time together.

Is there a better way to phrase the question of what is the matter and why it is so hard for him to communicate on weekdays?

I really hope I hear from him this week since I just brought this up again and said it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship and disconnected. 

 

Yes it is weird to say the least and glad you want to resolve this.

If he is avoidant the more you ask the more he’ll feel pressured and will avoid it.

I think that instead of words you need to take action so he knows you are serious. At the moment you are enabling his behaviour so he keeps quiet about it.

Stop being available on weekends, stop being with him if he doesn’t want to tell you what’s going on. He needs to see you are serious and won’t enable his behaviour further. Unfortunately that’s the only way to know what’s going on.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

Yeah I am not only dissapointed he doesn't want to check in with me on his own, he doesn't even do it to make me happy. He knows it upsets me and he doesn't care. I just can't understand it because he spends the weekend trying to make me happy and have so much fun!

That's what we have been saying -this issue extends beyond just not hearing from him during the week. 

I can nearly guaratnee that you will one day wonder why you wasted so much time on this guy. It will happen either when you get tired of being neglected, or when he gets tired of being expected to be a more present partner and ends it. 

Either way, understand that the likelihood that this relationship is going to progress beyond where you're at now is just about nil. Don't pin your hopes on a future together. 

[Calmandfocused]

BP, I’d strongly recommend you read up on cognitive dissonance and understand how this applies to you. 
 

Notice aswel how you contradict yourself. You state that he “cares” about you in one post,  then you admit that he doesn’t care about you in another. 
 

Your flip flopping perception of the situation is You trying to convince You that you are happy. You are not, clearly! 
 

I don’t know why he waited a year to have sex with you. But I can tell you that he is only interested in a relationship based on what He wants.

He’s not heard you for 2 years, he won’t hear you now. 

Bottom line, he cares only about him and want he wants. Think about it: any “care” he’s given to you has served his purpose to keep you in position as his weekend girlfriend. 
 

Relationships are about compromise, meeting in the middle so both parties needs are met. 
 

I don’t think this guy will budge. I think the most you’ll get is “hope you’re having a good week” mid week and that’ll be it. 
 

However, I hope I’m wrong for your sake ... keep us posted on that text 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

I created this thread for opinions/ideas for things I should try or say to fix this situation. 

He always returns my texts except for that mall one  

There's no right or wrong about how much people want to text in-between dates. 

There's you being upset, talking to him numerous times and he's just not into it.

You can't change or fix him, you've tried that to no avail.

You'll have to weigh things out. You describe this situation as just about 99% good. But it seems like you want it to be 120% good. 120% your terms . 120% your needs.

He is not allowed to have any faults or quirks whatsoever. Only you...with the sex, driving, zero hosting him, etc.

He drives, he pays, he hosts, he listens, etc etc.

But the hill you want to die on is he doesn't text you first on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. But responds except for that one time.

No he's not 100%. Ok. But are you? Or do you just push and push? When are you going to drive? When are you going to host? When are you going to pay?

Trust me. One day he'll have a mature busy independent young woman interested in him, who appreciates all that he does rather than nag about the one miniscule thing he doesn't do.

Your perfectionism and need to make things 120% on your terms will make you a very lonely unhappy person.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[FMW]

@BluePink123there is nothing wrong with what you want, the problem is that you aren't going to get it from this guy.  I don't agree with those that think that absolutely means he doesn't care about you, because not everyone behaves the same and wants the same things with someone they care about.  But, again, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you wanting more than he's offering.

If you choose to stay with him don't expect him to change.  It's been two years, you've discussed the issue with him more than once.  For whatever reason, this is how he wants things and he hasn't shown any effort to change.  Just as you haven't been able to change what you want from him.  You both are who you are.     

Be really honest with yourself, if this is going to continue to make you unhappy you owe it to yourself to seriously reconsider your options.  And you do have options, no matter how much you think you will have a hard time finding someone else.  What you don't have is the power to change him or anyone else into what you want and need.    

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by FMW

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Just seems like such a ridiculous issue. He is the perfect guy and the only thing missing is him sending me a few texts during the week. 😥

Yeah no, this is not a ridiculous issue or a small issue.  His behavior is making you feel like this is "not a real relationship" and you are disconnected, and he doesn't care.  That sounds like a pretty big issue.  And you are minimizing your feelings.  Your posts are absolutely full of contradictory statements.

[hippychick3]

A guy who is wonderful on the weekends but doesn’t contact you on the weekdays and a guy who is a jerk on the weekend but contacts you daily are NOT your only two options. 
 

There are guys who will treat you wonderfully on the weekends AND keep in contact during the week. Please raise your standards for how you deserve to be treated. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by hippychick3

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

They will still be separate if he sends her a good night text to ask her how her day went. It is a text, a courtesy, a kindness... 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

At the very least guys, get the number of days they spend/not spend together correct.  

They spend three (3) days together, high quality days from what she last posted in detail, and  4 (four) days not together.  

 

Friday night to Sunday night that's not 3 days. It's still only 2 sleeps together, it's still just 48 hours. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Yeah I am not only dissapointed he doesn't want to check in with me on his own, he doesn't even do it to make me happy. He knows it upsets me and he doesn't care. I just can't understand it because he spends the weekend trying to make me happy and have so much fun!

I agree that it makes no sense, if he is as attentive as you say on the weekend. All I can suggest is that it’s easy to be attentive when things are time limited. You have a lovely “date” on the weekend, but then he wants to do his own thing. 

IF this is really how he prefers to live his life, it’s not really conducive to being together long term. As poppy says above, while it’s not exactly healthy for couples to spend 24/7 together (I knew few who even come close), neither do you want a husband who shuts down and checks out for extended periods of time. 

And it absolutely is the fact that you’ve told him you want to talk with him, you’ve told him that it bothers you, and he still doesn’t text you during the week...this is the problem. My partner didn’t like to text, but he still did it because he knew I wanted to talk (as did he many times) and he wanted to make me happy. Now that we are together, he feels the need to tell me every detail of his day. I hate this, but I listen because I know he wants me to listen. My dad refuses to text, he wants a phone call. Sometimes, I’m busy and a text would be so much easier, but I call because I know it’s his preference. We all do things everyday for the people we love that we don’t really want to do - and we do it because we love the other person and we want them to be happy. He needs to learn this lesson, apparently... if he wants to be in a relationship with a woman. Because eventually, it will go far beyond texting if you stay together...

Edited April 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

@BluePink123: What does he do at night on weekdays? 

So far we got for excuses: 

1. He's too tired to text

2. He has nothing to talk about

3. We have a new one: He doesn't want to talk about work on workdays.

Do you see how he's coming up with new excuses each time you talk about it? If this was about needing space then 2 years ago he would have told you he needs space and 2 years later he would still tell you it's about needing space. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

He doesn't want to talk about work on workdays.

I agree with this one. Why come home to unwind and relax and have to chitchat about work? Maybe it's the content of the desired texts that's the problem rather than texting in itself? Such as quality rather than quantity? Perhaps if she initiated texts that were interesting/engaging it would help?

[Gaeta]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

 Perhaps if she initiated texts that were interesting/engaging it would help?

They're at 2 years dating. She does like any of us do in a relationship we text *how was your day*. 

She shouldn't have to jump through loops to keep her 2 year boyfriend's attention. They should be naturally pulled toward each other. He could always reply I'll tell you all about my day this weekend and how are you doing, how was the vaccine?

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She does like any of us do in a relationship we text *how was your day*. 

And the answer is usually, “work was ok.” To which, the next question is “what do you have planned tonight...” 

We don’t know that she wants to talk about work. But, this is what people talk about in a long distance relationship after two years - how was your day, anything interesting happen at work, what are you making for dinner tonight, what are your plans for the evening, what do you want to do this weekend... boring stuff, but it is what most relationships are made of.

My parents were together 40 years, and this is what they did every single day. He would come home and change, they would have a glass of wine and talk about their day - this is what happened, this is who I talked to today, this is what we need to do... Then they would have dinner. Forty years of a happy marriage...

Edited April 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He drives, he pays, he hosts, he listens, etc etc.

I will come to her defence here. She's a full time student living with her parents, she works but it probably goes toward school and her personal expenses. 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

He is not in this relationship for just sex, he waited over a year to have sex with me because I wasn't ready and never pressured me.

I need to explain something to you. Relationships are not cast in ciment, people change & feelings change while in relationships. It's not because he was not seeking sex the first year that now it's not the main reasons he keeps being with you. Also, a man can treat you like a princess when he's with you, tell you he loves you, he sees you in his future then turns around and spend his free nights on dating apps meeting other women. I'm not saying that's what he's doing but he's doing something and it won't disappear because you're ignoring it. 

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

>>I don't care how good he treats you for two days a week.

At the very least guys, get the number of days they spend/not spend together correct.  

They spend three (3) days together, high quality days from what she last posted in detail, and  4 (four) days not together.  

Not 2 days together and 5 not together, the mistaken assumption.

Actually, no, I just checked, Friday night to Sunday night is TWO DAYS.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Actually, no, I just checked, Friday night to Sunday night is TWO DAYS.

That's how I interpreted it as well: Friday evening to Sunday evening = 2 days. Perhaps OP can clarify. 

But regardless of whether it's 2 days or 3 days, and regardless of how fun-filled those days are, it's evidently insufficient for OP to feel secure, cared for, and seen in this relationship. This entire thread would not exist otherwise. 

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And the answer is usually, “work was ok.” To which, the next question is “what do you have planned tonight...” 

We don’t know that she wants to talk about work. But, this is what people talk about in a long distance relationship after two years - how was your day, anything interesting happen at work, what are you making for dinner tonight, what are your plans for the evening, what do you want to do this weekend... boring stuff, but it is what most relationships are made of.
 

BluePink, just wanted to say you are not wrong for wanting to touch base during the week.  Not sure you got that from my posts so thought I would clarify. 

And your bf is not wrong either, he's not an "avoidant" who is stringing you along as some posters have suggested, not imo from what you have posted.

Texts such as BaileyB posted above are standard, that is the "norm" in our society, how people 'do' relationships.

Which imo is why, or one reason, they often break down, why there is so much cheating, dishonesty, etc.

How was your day? What are you having for dinner?  Talking about problems at work, an argument with mom - for some people, such texts are contrived, mundane and obligatory which might actually lead to the disconnection couples experience as discussed by Esther Perel in the snip I posted and her other videos, books and articles.

Why couples lose their desire (including sexual desire) for their partners which is the kiss of death for most relationships.

I posted this earlier,  Esther Perel's video - The Secret To Desire in Long Term Relationships" is a great starting point if you're interested in learning a new and different perspective.

From what you have posted about your relationship, your boyfriend dislikes such contrived obligatory texting.

He does not connect with you this way, he connects with you in person, which currently is the weekend - Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

There is nothing bad or wrong with that, in fact I am the same.  Skip the often banal inane obligatory "check in" texts (which may be how your bf views it as well) and know I am thinking of you, missing you and excited about seeing you on Friday! 💓

I hope he reaches out to you this week too!  If only because he knows how important it is to you.  That would speak volumes. 

I just hope he doesnt start viewing it as an obligation and feel pressured by it because that would be the beginning of the end imo.

Which may not be a bad thing, it would mean you are not on the same "wavelength" so no point in continuing.  Break up and find a man who does relationships the way you do.  Same for him. 

Best of luck and keep us posted!   

 

 

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Texts such as BaileyB posted above are standard, that is the "norm" in our society, how people 'do' relationships.

Which imo is why, or one reason, they often break down, why there is so much cheating, dishonesty, etc.

How was your day? What are you having for dinner?  Talking about problems at work, an argument with mom - for some people, such texts are contrived, mundane and obligatory which might actually lead to the disconnection couples experience

What is customary and obligatory to some is what fuels the connection for others though. 

And, what is customary and obligatory one week may be exciting, supportive, and fuel connection the next. For example, one week may be the boring hum drum of work but the next week, you’re planning a weekend getaway, or you got a promotion and you are excited to share your news and celebrate, or his mum has been diagnosed with an illness and he needs to talk... 

Relationships are dynamic, filled with everything from the boring and mundane to the exciting and wonderful. To say, I want to speak with you but only on the weekend is a really controlled, all or nothing way to be in a relationship... most people will seek to find a healthy middle ground that meets the needs of BOTH partners. 

Problems arise when you have either one of the extremes - always boring, mundane, obligatory, lacking connection or a needy partner who is demanding too much of their partner. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by BaileyB