He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[jspice]

One day when you get fed up of this weekend relationship, you’re going to meet a really great guy who’s going to make you wonder how you settled for this nonsense for so long.

Relationships teach us what we want and what we don’t want. No relationship is a waste of time. 
 

Your twenties are for “WTF was I thinking” relationships. 
Look around you at people who have qualities that you like and want in a partner. Make a list of what you want. 
 

And as much as you think your parents don’t know what you’re going through, they’ve already looked into your future with this guy. They don’t see good things. 
My grandfather used to tell me “I’ve already been where you’re still going”. As I got older, I knew better  

You need to go through this. Hopefully you’ll find the answer you’re looking for.  

 

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

 

BluePink, how so, can you elaborate on this?^^ 

It might help give everyone a better understanding as to why this is not a dealbreaker for you.

My previous ex was the first man who required "space" in our relationship.  In fact, when we lived together, we had separate bedrooms, NOT because of lack of desire for sex or even sleeping together.  God no!  Just the opposite in fact but won't get into that, this is your thread.

It was just nice having our own separate space, and it enhanced our relationship, actually brought us closer and we fell deeply in love.  

My boyfriends before him wanted to spend all their free time with me which was suffocating and in retrospect one reason why I never fell deeply in love with them.

So, early in with my ex, I felt insecure like you so I asked him why he didn't want or need to spend all his free time with me and why some days he went quiet.

Interesting response, which my dad confirmed at the time because he was the same.

He said "just because I don't need to spend more time with you or talk to you, does not mean I love you less.  Sometimes I think I love you more, because your love involves need and mine doesn't, I just love you." 

Ask yourself why you 'need' him to contact you Mon-Thurs, given how beautiful and special your 3-day weekends are.  

Need has nothing to do with love imo, two different things.

People need their partners for all sorts of unhealthy reasons, but don't necessarily love them.

I know you do love him but again, ask yourself this question, the answer may allow you to consider an alternative mindset than what you're currently experiencing.

I am soooooo fed up of people saying that people who want to be present, available, open, are needy and clingy!

She needs to have contact with him during weekedays because she wants to be present every single day. And that’s how she is. Maybe he doesn’t feel that way because he is different, but he shows no openess to discuss it, explain it and reach a commitment that benefits both parts. Because that’s what secure open people do. In this case he is avoidant and emotionally unavailable.

Her needs of talking everyday are VALID. That’s what she wants and needs. Just because this guy does not give a shyt to her needs doesn’t mean she is needy. It means they are not compatible!

She is not even asking to go to the moon and back, she is asking for a phone call, a few messages! Because she wants to feel connected to him when they are away, which is perfectly NORMAL!

One day when she meets a nice secure guy who reassures her and is present for her everyday, she will see how simple and beautiful it is, and how this dynamic she has now is toxic.

Many women are meant to believe they are too much or want too much when in fact the real issue is they are settling for too less than they deserve. Enough of that already.

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am soooooo fed up of people saying that people who want to be present, available, open, are needy and clingy!

She needs to have contact with him during weekedays because she wants to be present every single day. And that’s how she is. Maybe he doesn’t feel that way because he is different, but he shows no openess to discuss it, explain it and reach a commitment that benefits both parts. Because that’s what secure open people do. In this case he is avoidant and emotionally unavailable.

Her needs of talking everyday are VALID. That’s what she wants and needs. Just because this guy does not give a shyt to her needs doesn’t mean she is needy. It means they are not compatible!

She is not even asking to go to the moon and back, she is asking for a phone call, a few messages! Because she wants to feel connected to him when they are away, which is perfectly NORMAL!

One day when she meets a nice secure guy who reassures her and is present for her everyday, she will see how simple and beautiful it is, and how this dynamic she has now is toxic.

Many women are meant to believe they are too much or want too much when in fact the real issue is they are settling for too less than they deserve. Enough of that already.

 

Good lord, calm down.  May I have an opinion and offer suggestions, same as you please?  

Do I tear down your opinions and advice?  

She wants to stay with this man, she said it is not a dealbreaker, so I am offering possible solutions so she can feel better about it. 

I respect your opinion, and request that you respect mine even though you don't agree.  

If you're "fed up" with reading a differing perspective, don't read it.

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Good lord, calm down.  May I have an opinion and offer suggestions, same as you please?  

Do I tear down your opinions and advice?  

She wants to stay with this man, she said it is not a dealbreaker, so I am offering possible solutions so she can feel better about it. 

I respect your opinion, and request that you respect mine even though you don't agree.  

If you're "fed up" with reading a differing perspective, don't read it.

Of course you can. And I can too, simple. 

I think suggesting she is needy because she wants to keep in touch and the guy is ignoring her is just too much for me to read without saying a word. 

She is needy yes, of a different boyfriend that is.

Edited April 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Her needs of talking everyday are VALID. That’s what she wants and needs. Just because this guy does not give a shyt to her needs doesn’t mean she is needy. It means they are not compatible

Agree very much on this. 

OP wants a type of relaitonship that this guy doesn't. Their needs and expectations don't line up. She isn't needy. She's just chosen the wrong guy. 

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Of course you can. And I can too, simple. 

I think suggesting she is needy because she wants to keep in touch and the guy is ignoring her is just too much for me to read without saying a word. 

She is needy yes, of a different boyfriend that is.

To clarify, I did not suggest the OP is "needy," I said there is a difference between needing and loving. 

Which there is imo.  There are many books, articles, videos that explain the difference, if you're interested.

I am not judging or faulting her for wanting or even needing her bf to call during the week, most people need that! 

Since she intends to remain in this relationship, again just offering a different perspective to consider so she can feel better about it, that's all.

 

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

To clarify, I did not suggest she is "needy," I said there is a difference between needing and loving. 

Which there is imo.  There are many books, articles, videos that explain the difference, if you're interested.

I am not judging or faulting her for wanting or even needing her bf to call during the week, most people need that! 

Since she intends to remain in this relationship, again just offering a different perspective to consider so she can feel better about it, that's all.

 

 

Loving another means knowing their needs and meeting them. Any book on healthy relationships says that.

What she’s asking is perfectly reasonable, and he is ignoring it for whatever reason. 

I’m sorry but she’ll never feel better in this relationship because she is also ignoring herself. The guy is mirroring her.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Loving another means knowing their needs and meeting them. Any book on healthy relationships says that.

What she’s asking is perfectly reasonable...

I agree!  Thank you.

Which means her knowing and understanding his needs as well.

In this case, his need for space during the week. And connecting and bonding on the weekend.

What HE needs is perfectly reasonable as well, unless you believe a woman's needs take precedence over a man's needs. 

There is no wrong or right here, they simply have differing needs.

So she has two choices.  

Break up, or

Find a way to be okay with it, understand it, again so she can feel better about it, which was all I was doing or trying to do.

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree!  Thank you.

Which means her knowing and understanding his needs as well.

In this case, his need for space during the week. And connecting and bonding on the weekend.

What HE needs is perfectly reasonable as well. 

There is no wrong or right here, they simply have differing needs.

So she has two choices.  

Break up, or

Find a way to be okay with it, understand it, again so she can feel better about it, which was all I was doing or trying to do.

Actually there’s more than different needs at play here.

Two people can have different needs but in a secure and healthy relationship they communicate openly, both needs are heard and validated and they reach a commitment that works for both.

Also, both care to explain to the other why they have those needs, so the other understands.

In this case, the guy is completely ignoring her. There’s no open communication, there’s no validation, she is not heard, she has no idea why he does not talk to her during the week, it’s a complete shut down from his side.

From what I understand she would love to know his needs and why, but he doesn’t give her a chance.

So she is alone in this and the fireworks on weekends give her the oxytocin boost that make her believe she is so in love and accept his shyt behaviour. 

So this is not just a case of two people having different needs, it’s a case of they are not compatible, they are not communicating and he is emotionally unavailable.

She will never feel better about it when she is ignoring herself.

Edited April 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

Emily, there is no point in rehashing this, I said my piece earlier re him ignoring and gaslighting, and agree with you and everyone else.

If me, that would be unacceptable and I would strongly consider ending the relationship because of it. 

I was only addressing him not calling during the week since that is the subject of this thread and what the OP is concerned and confused about.

I also listen to her words and respect her decision to stay.  No point in trying to get her to dump, she's not going to, she has made that clear. 

So again, just offering a perspective that would allow her to feel better about staying, that's all. 

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Emily, there is no point in rehashing this, I said my piece earlier re him ignoring and gaslighting, and agree with you and everyone else.

If me, that would be unacceptable and I would strongly consider ending the relationship because of it. 

I was only addressing him not calling during the week since that is the subject of this thread and what the OP is concerned and confused about.

I also listen to her words and respect her decision to stay.  No point in trying to get her to dump, she's not going to, she has made that clear. 

So again, just offering a perspective that would allow her to feel better about staying, that's all. 

I understand your point, but her staying is so absurd there’s nothing I could say to make her feel better about  it. This is a lesson to be learned in her future.

[BluePink123]

Thanks again everyone! It's so great reading others opinions and thoughts on this really! 

I only have my parents and sister to discuss this with because I am not close enough to anyone else to hear about this. 

He is a great guy because he is sweet, nice, caring, buys me my favorite foods for the weekend, we have the same taste in music, shows, likes and dislikes, if I don't feel well he takes care of me, listens to me, gives me his full attention on the weekend, watches whatever I want, does whatever I want, goes wherever I want, we never fight or have disagreements, he tells me I'm pretty, and most of all I wanted to wait over a year to have sex and he was very patient with me and made sure I was ready. The first year and half we just went on dates and I did come to his place for a day. I started staying over his place a little over a year ago. I stayed over for 6 months and we just fooled around or cuddled before I was ready to have sex. He is my first serious relationship. I was with another guy for like 5 months ago and he also would only see me on the weekend and call me on a Friday to make plans. He never said he loved me or met my family, we didn't have sex, he didn't talk about our future and was a casual relationship so I didn't care as much, I didn't love him. He was a nice guy and we had fun. 

It was very hard for me to find people to date before. I would be on dating sites and go on plenty dates and I mean plenty of first dates but for some reason guys wouldn't really continue asking me out. I am a sweet, caring, easy going person, I'm not into anything weird and I also think I'm attractive. I am not overweight and I think I'm pretty. 

Until my boyfriend came along I didn't think I would ever find anyone. I always feel lucky to have him and have a man look at me with love. 

He tells me he loves me all the time, we talk, laugh, sing and joke around together. I love him very much. 

The weekdays of no contact are hard though. We stay at his place because he lives in a larger place and we have privacy. My house we wouldn't have any. I also love his cats and we spend a lot of time with them.

He is a wonderful person. 

We both hate talking on the phone, but I think texting and video chatting would be nice. He just says he has nothing to say and likes talking on the weekend about our week. I will write things down to tell him during the week and he will listen to me and be interested in what I did all week when we see each other. 

I was very disappointed he didn't know when I was off from work, how my vaccine went and didn't answer my text about the mall.

Don't get me wrong I know our relationship isn't normal, of course he is distant during the week for some reason. Who knows if we'll really get married or have kids, I hope one day. 

My family thinks he is a really sweet guy and we do see each other at family parties, day trips we would take together. Just think it's weird I don't hear from him all week.

I guess I will just have to accept this. 

For those that say there's plenty of great guys out there, where??? I was single for like 8 years and went on over 100 online dating dates, went to meetup groups, joined clubs, never met anyone. I work with all women 

I don't have many friends and the ones I have don't know any single guys. 

Why would I end things and then just be alone? 

I think this issue we could work on. I rather have a guy who shows me how much he loves me in person and I don't hear from all week then a guy I hear from all week and treats me like crap when we're together. 

I just can't understand it. I don't get why he won't contact me during the week.

I used to be more busy before covid however still bothered me about not hearing from him. No matter how busy I was I still missed and wanted to hear from my boyfriend. I don't think my problem is a matter of being bored. 

I guess I'll just wait and see what happens just sad to know our situation isn't normal and we're not in a real relationship. However at least I have the weekends and it's more than I ever had before. 

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by BluePink123

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

ONLY continue if you are willing to settle for the fact that he doesn’t want to bother with you during the week but wants you for weekend sex.

that’s what this is - nothing more.

BluePink, I asked earlier to clarify why you believe your time together on weekends is so "special and great."  Your words.

I think it wouid help a lot and perhaps squelch the notion that all he wants is sex, as per above quoted post. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

BluePink, I asked earlier to clarify why you believe your time together on weekends is so "special and great."  Your words.

I think it wouid help a lot and perhaps squelch the notion that all he wants is sex, as per above quoted post. 

Disregard this^.  You explained it beautifully in your last post.

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, BluePink123 said:

Thanks again everyone! It's so great reading others opinions and thoughts on this really! 

I only have my parents and sister to discuss this with because I am not close enough to anyone else to hear about this. 

He is a great guy because he is sweet, nice, caring, buys me my favorite foods for the weekend, we have the same taste in music, shows, likes and dislikes, if I don't feel well he takes care of me, listens to me, gives me his full attention on the weekend, watches whatever I want, does whatever I want, goes wherever I want, we never fight or have disagreements, he tells me I'm pretty, and most of all I wanted to wait over a year to have sex and he was very patient with me and made sure I was ready. The first year and half we just went on dates and I did come to his place for a day. I started staying over his place a little over a year ago. I stayed over for 6 months and we just fooled around or cuddled before I was ready to have sex. He is my first serious relationship. I was with another guy for like 5 months ago and he also would only see me on the weekend and call me on a Friday to make plans. He never said he loved me or met my family, we didn't have sex, he didn't talk about our future and was a casual relationship so I didn't care as much, I didn't love him. He was a nice guy and we had fun. 

It was very hard for me to find people to date before. I would be on dating sites and go on plenty dates and I mean plenty of first dates but for some reason guys wouldn't really continue asking me out. I am a sweet, caring, easy going person, I'm not into anything weird and I also think I'm attractive. I am not overweight and I think I'm pretty. 

Until my boyfriend came along I didn't think I would ever find anyone. I always feel lucky to have him and have a man look at me with love. 

He tells me he loves me all the time, we talk, laugh, sing and joke around together. I love him very much. 

The weekdays of no contact are hard though. We stay at his place because he lives in a larger place and we have privacy. My house we wouldn't have any. I also love his cats and we spend a lot of time with them.

He is a wonderful person. 

We both hate talking on the phone, but I think texting and video chatting would be nice. He just says he has nothing to say and likes talking on the weekend about our week. I will write things down to tell him during the week and he will listen to me and be interested in what I did all week when we see each other. 

I was very disappointed he didn't know when I was off from work, how my vaccine went and didn't answer my text about the mall.

Don't get me wrong I know our relationship isn't normal, of course he is distant during the week for some reason. Who knows if we'll really get married or have kids, I hope one day. 

My family thinks he is a really sweet guy and we do see each other at family parties, day trips we would take together. Just think it's weird I don't hear from him all week.

I guess I will just have to accept this. 

For those that say there's plenty of great guys out there, where??? I was single for like 8 years and went on over 100 online dating dates, went to meetup groups, joined clubs, never met anyone. I work with all women 

I don't have many friends and the ones I have don't know any single guys. 

Why would I end things and then just be alone? 

I think this issue we could work on. I rather have a guy who shows me how much he loves me in person and I don't hear from all week then a guy I hear from all week and treats me like crap when we're together. 

I just can't understand it. I don't get why he won't contact me during the week.

I used to be more busy before covid however still bothered me about not hearing from him. No matter how busy I was I still missed and wanted to hear from my boyfriend. I don't think my problem is a matter of being bored. 

I guess I'll just wait and see what happens just sad to know our situation isn't normal and we're not in a real relationship. However at least I have the weekends and it's more than I ever had before. 

 

I really do hope you wake up one day, take off your rose tinted glasses, see this for what it really is and choose to love you. All the best.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, BluePink123 said:

I think this issue we could work on.  I rather have a guy who shows me how much he loves me in person and I don't hear from all week then a guy I hear from all week and treats me like crap when we're together. 

That's a great way to look at it.  Focus on all he does give you (which sounds like a lot from what you just posted) versus what he does not give you.

Loving you In person, that's what it's all about.  

And any man willing to wait a year for sex is clearly not in this just for the sex.

Good luck BluePink!

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

That's a great way to look at it.  Focus on all he does give you (which is a lot) versus what he does not give you.

And any man willing to wait a year for sex is clearly not in this for the sex.

Good luck BluePink!

Because he was probably getting the sex somewhere else, clear as water.

I think she should focus on how she feels, but that’s me. All the best.

[BaileyB]

You are clearly in the “dating” phase of this relationship. It’s all good fun when you see each other on the weekend. I remember it well. So excited to see him, things were new and fun, there was no conflict, it is a beautiful stage of the relationship.

At some point, things will need to change when you are ready to move forward. Your relationship will change. Just be aware, the fact that he shuts you out a few days a week tells you how he copes with intimacy. He is apparently happy to spend time with you for a few days, but then he wants his own time. Happens in every relationship - what’s different about this is how extreme it is. Not many people will cut all communication in this way. Not many people will refuse to compromise, when their partner says “Hey, I want to talk to you at some point everyday or during the week.” 

Edited April 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I think she should focus on how she feels, but that’s me. All the best.

So do I, which she's doing, did you read her last post?  And all the many positives?  And the love she feels and receives from this man?  

That love doesn't just disappear because they don't talk 4 days a week.  It's still there.  He simply prefers in person versus the often contrived obligatory texting during the week.

Does not mean he does not love her or value their relationship, that is a huge assumption.  

Anyway, nuff said from me, and @BluePink, I wish you all the best too. 

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So do I, which she's doing, did you read her last post?  And all the many positives?  And the love she feels and receives from this man?  

That love doesn't just disappear because they don't talk 4 days a week.  It's still there.  He simply prefers in person versus the often contrived obligatory texting during the week.

Does not mean he does not love her or value their relationship, that is a huge assumption.  

Anyway, nuff said from me, and @BluePink, I wish you all the best too. 

Not sure she loves him or she’s getting an oxytocin boost on weekends. 

Yes I did read all the positives, but I’m not in denial like she is, about the fact he’s extremely ignoring her needs. To me all the positives go away with this avoidant behaviour that made her feel bad enough to come here asking for advice.

Her call to continue ignoring how she truly feels for sure.

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

He just says he has nothing to say and likes talking on the weekend about our week.

All you want is for him to reach out to you mid-week at least, you're not even asking for a contact each day. You know how many women WANT a contact at least each day at 2 years dating? Probably 95% of women. So in your case you are asking very little. Also, his excuse is he has nothing to say, well you're not asking for an hour conversation, you are only wanting him to ask how you're doing and if everything is ok! That can be done in 3-4 texts exchange, 3 minutes TOP. 

Also he changes his stories around. Sometimes he says it's because he has nothing to say, other times he says he's tired. Do you know what he does at  night? Is he a gamer?

I understand you don't want to break up because you love him, but staying in a relationship just because it's a pain in the neck to find someone else isn't good reason enough. Yes it's not easy to find someone, I meet 200 men before finding a boyfriend, but other find much faster, I even know someone who married the 3rd man she met online. It's a number-game. 

[ShyViolet]

OP, you said this is your first serious relationship.  That explains so much.  You don't have any other experience in relationships so you don't have anything to compare this to.

There is a saying in my field of education: All behavior is communication.  His behavior of not even bothering to reply to your texts for days at a time is saying "I don't give a crap about you.... until it's the weekend."  He wants a part-time girlfriend.  Not a full-time one.

I have been a dating person for 20 years and had my share of relationships.  Every single relationship I've ever been in, every SINGLE one, there would be a nightly phone call, or if not a phone call at least a text every day to connect, to let each other know we are thinking about each other, to say hi.  For him not to even bother answering your texts for days at a time, that is just extremely rude and disrespectful, it shows that he doesn't care.

I don't care how good he treats you for two days a week.  If the other five days he treats you basically like you're nobody to him, like he is not interested in talking to you..... your self-esteem must be pretty low if you think you should accept this.  

It just makes me really sad to see you keep saying that you stay with him because you couldn't find anyone else.  You don't think you'll be able to find anyone else.  You see it as a choice of either being with him, or being alone.  THAT'S your reason for staying with this guy?  Seriously?

[poppyfields]

>>I don't care how good he treats you for two days a week.

At the very least guys, get the number of days they spend/not spend together correct.  

They spend three (3) days together, high quality days from what she last posted in detail, and  4 (four) days not together.  

Not 2 days together and 5 not together, the mistaken assumption.

And @BluePink it doesn't matter that others don't care about how good he treats you 3 days a week.

It's what you think that matters, it's your relationship, no one else's.

Edited April 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

Just now, poppyfields said:

At the very least guys, get the number of days they spend/not spend together correct.  

They spend three (3) days together, high quality days from what she last posted in detail, and  4 (four) days not together.  

Not 2 days together and 5 not together as seen to be the mistaken assumption. 

Ok thanks for the correction... that does not change a single point that I just made though!!!  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You know how many women WANT a contact at least each day at 2 years dating? Probably 95% of women.

Yeah, I don’t know that I or any of my friends would have stayed in a relationship where the man didn’t communicate for days at a time, regularly. For two years. I’ve said it before, we went days and sometimes a week without seeing each other. There was always a goodnight text exchange. Some days we would text throughout the day. But not everyday. I get that the weekends are special...  but when I think back, the last time we went without texting during the week was before our third date - the date when we professed our feelings and truly started to “date.” The communication increased from that day...

Edited April 5, 2021 by BaileyB