He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Consider this your issue, not his. This is an issue of weekend escapes and weekday boredom and poor time management.

You wouldn't be staring at your phone wondering why he's not texting if you had a full busy productive life.

 

I totally disagree. Do you know the percentage of women that wouldn't put up with that man's behavior? What this man is doing is break their connection each Sunday night and refusing to nurture the bond that unites them as a couple. 

Wiseman: Honestly, how hard is it for a man, supposedly in love, to pick up his phone on Wednesday night? 

He's also between 25-30 yo, you think a man that age doesn't look at his phone from Wednesday to Friday?

This man is soooooo tired on week nights at 20 something that he never picks up his phone for his friends? his boss? colleagues? family? 

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I totally disagree. Do you know the percentage of women that wouldn't put up with that man's behavior? What this man is doing is break their connection each Sunday night and refusing to nurture the bond that unites them as a couple. 

Wiseman: Honestly, how hard is it for a man, supposedly in love, to pick up his phone on Wednesday night? 

He's also between 25-30 yo, you think a man that age doesn't look at his phone from Wednesday to Friday?

This man is soooooo tired on week nights at 20 something that he never picks up his phone for his friends? his boss? colleagues? family? 

I already gave my opinion several times but have to say totally agree with you. 

What he’s doing is not acceptable and I hope one day In the future the OP will be in a relationship with a secure man who is present and available for her always and she will see the difference and how this now is totally ridiculous.

If she stops being available on weekends, there is no relationship. I wish the OP well and hopefully she’ll end things soon with this schmuck.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[mark clemson]

Quote

He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

Red flag.

[Tamfana]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I totally disagree. Do you know the percentage of women that wouldn't put up with that man's behavior? What this man is doing is break their connection each Sunday night and refusing to nurture the bond that unites them as a couple. 

Wiseman: Honestly, how hard is it for a man, supposedly in love, to pick up his phone on Wednesday night? 

He's also between 25-30 yo, you think a man that age doesn't look at his phone from Wednesday to Friday?

This man is soooooo tired on week nights at 20 something that he never picks up his phone for his friends? his boss? colleagues? family? 

And he's happy with being without sex 5 days a week?  I don't know any men like that, so it's rare at best.   

Edited April 3, 2021 by Tamfana

[lovebooks]

I think a lot of men talk about marriage because they think it's what we want to hear.  If someone is serious they stay in contact with you.  My rule is 3 days.  I ended a long distance relationship when he didn't call for three weeks.  He said he had lost his phone.  That could be true but I didn't believe it.  Drop this guy and ask your friends to set you up on blind dates.  That's how Meghan and Harry met.  I'm going to try it too.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What this man is doing is break their connection each Sunday night and refusing to nurture the bond that unites them as a couple. 

Notwithstanding the other issues at play that have been addressed since the original post, when the connection between two people is strong and genuine, it cannot be broken because they don't talk for 4 days after spending a close intimate 3-day weekend together.

If it can, then the connection was never that strong in the first place.

A true connection between partners transcends talking or being in each other's physical presence; you can feel "connected" to your partner through your energies, even when thousands of miles away and you don't talk for weeks or months as in the case with men at sea or at war for example.

Four days is nothing and I agree with Wiseman, if OP had a full and complete life (outside her relationship with bf), perhaps being separated 4 days out of the week wouldn't be such a huge issue for her. 

Especially when their 3-day weekends are so full of beauty, intimacy and love as she claims. 

That said, it appears there are other issues at play like him intentionally ignoring her or gaslighting which are definitely NOT cool.

He's in his 20's so it could be immaturity, selfishness or even ignorance which the OP should be considering and addressing if the long term goal is marriage.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Wiseman: Honestly, how hard is it for a man, supposedly in love, to pick up his phone on Wednesday night? 

It's not. That's why she should end it, but she won't. And that is the real problem.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Four days is nothing and I agree with Wisenan, if OP had a full and complete life (outside her relationship with bf), perhaps being separated 4 days out of the week wouldn't be such a huge issue for her. 

I’ve done it, it’s not ideal but it’s not a huge issue... as long as there is a plan to bring things together. Perhaps some can sustain this indefinitely, but usually not people in their twenties who are looking for a relationship to progress - perhaps to live together, get married, have children. We got to the point where (months after the fact) my partner said he felt like it was either time to break up or move in together. We were both tired of not being together and going back and forth between homes. That was after two and a half years. The big different for me - my partner was the one who was pushing to bring things together. When he actually asked me to move in, I said no for some very valid reasons... the next day, he sent me a text telling me that he had done some research, and he was prepared to make some sacrifices - let’s do this! I don’t see this happening here... which is why, if she wants more than to continue to live in his family home every weekend, she needs to require a little more from him... and, she will have her answer fairly soon as to whether he is committed or not. 

Edited April 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Four days is nothing and I agree with Wiseman, if OP had a full and complete life (outside her relationship with bf), perhaps being separated 4 days out of the week wouldn't be such a huge issue for her. 

Especially when their 3-day weekends are so full of beauty, intimacy and love as she claims. 

That said, it appears there are other issues at play like him intentionally ignoring her or gaslighting which are definitely NOT cool.

He's in his 20's so it could be immaturity, selfishness or even ignorance which the OP should be considering and addressing if the long term goal is marriage.

Agree. What "should be" and what is are two different things. She's talked to him about it repeatedly, she's tried initiating contact, all to no avail. And she won't break up. So what's the solution?

The practical solution is for her to shake things up. Why? Because he's coasting along with saccharine talk. That means she gets busy. Including some weekends. Let him wonder, let him sweat. Actions change things not what "should" be or nagging or being a doormat.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That means she gets busy. Including some weekends.

Yup! If he’s not bothered by her absence and/or fails to make any other effort to talk with her or see her the week prior or after... she will have her answer. 

Edited April 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yup! If he’s not bothered by her absence and/or fails to make any other effort to talk with her or see her the week prior or after... she will have her answer. 

She already has her answer, but she is looking for some miracle advice to make him change. Not gonna happen. She is the one who needs to change boyfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

She already has her answer, but she is looking for some miracle advice to make him change. Not gonna happen. She is the one who needs to change boyfriend.

I agree. 

OP, for what it's worth, I don't think your family is trying to rub salt in the wound. 

I think they are concerned that you have settled for such a low standard, and feel you deserve better. They can see the writing on the wall that you're not quite ready to accept yet. 

[Dis]

11 hours ago, Tamfana said:

And he's happy with being without sex 5 days a week?  I don't know any men like that, so it's rare at best.   

Because he's probably getting it else where 

[BluePink123]

Thanks again everyone.

Our weekends are just so special and great. I am always really happy until Tues and then I realize again not hearing from him is strange.

I know my family means well.

He means so much to me and I do really think he loves me but for some reason this is all he can give me. He lost his mom when he was a teen so maybe he has a hard time getting close to people.

I did used to be busy some weekends and we would see each other a day during the week. I did have to miss seeing him one weekend and he did want to video chat. I went on vacation for two weeks and he texted me a bunch when I was away. 

I am not going to leave him. He is a great man, sweet, caring, takes care of me and shows how much he loves me on the weekend. We have the best time when we're together and I'm just so happy to have found him! 

I am not looking to get married right now.

I guess I have to find a way to accept this is who he is and it just sucks because if he would only send me some texts during the week and know what I was doing everything would be fine. 

It just doesn't add up. I can't understand why he is so against communicating during the week and checking in with me. 

It was hard for me to find people to date before I met him and I spent many years single. Why would I dump him and then sit home on weekends? I don't think that's the answer, I don't feel this is a deal breaker. Yes if we were engaged then I would have to really go into detail about what he thinks our marriage would look like. I am very close to my family and I did mention to him I would like to spend a couple days a week with them even when we're married and he was all for it. I guess he really likes his alone time and I understand that but texting is so easy. 

Should I text him more than just Wed? Maybe I should bring up video chatting again. Maybe if I just take all the initiative then he'll realize he likes communicating with me more and will start on his own?

Edited April 4, 2021 by BluePink123

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

Idid used to be busy some weekends and we would see each other a day during the week. I did have to miss seeing him one weekend and he did want to video chat. 

And there's your answer. You need to be busier with your own life.

He takes for granted that you'll be at his place every weekend..

So why should he pursue or put in any effort?

Shake things up. Stop worshipping this guy and revolving your life around your weekends and whether he texts you or not.

What if, just what if... you were so busy with your own life with work, friends, family, hobbies, interests, courses, volunteering,etc. That you didn't even notice whether he texts on  Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday?

What if... You did something else for a change rather than stare at your phone getting upset?

What if.. you did normal things on weekends with friends and family?

What if you didn't run over there like a puppy every weekend?  What if he had to think twice about you?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, BluePink123 said:

It was hard for me to find people to date before I met him and I spent many years single.

This is a big part of your problem. 

You have a scarcity mindset that is leading to settle for someone whose relationship values, expectations and behaviours are largely out of line with yours.

Is this your first real relationship?

Edited April 4, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

He ignores your needs even when you’ve spelled it out for him. That’s not a great guy. That’s a selfish guy.

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. 

You have blinders on here, OP. This is not a wonderful guy.

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Thanks again everyone.

Our weekends are just so special and great. I am always really happy until Tues and then I realize again not hearing from him is strange.

I know my family means well.

He means so much to me and I do really think he loves me but for some reason this is all he can give me. He lost his mom when he was a teen so maybe he has a hard time getting close to people.

I did used to be busy some weekends and we would see each other a day during the week. I did have to miss seeing him one weekend and he did want to video chat. I went on vacation for two weeks and he texted me a bunch when I was away. 

I am not going to leave him. He is a great man, sweet, caring, takes care of me and shows how much he loves me on the weekend. We have the best time when we're together and I'm just so happy to have found him! 

I am not looking to get married right now.

I guess I have to find a way to accept this is who he is and it just sucks because if he would only send me some texts during the week and know what I was doing everything would be fine. 

It just doesn't add up. I can't understand why he is so against communicating during the week and checking in with me. 

It was hard for me to find people to date before I met him and I spent many years single. Why would I dump him and then sit home on weekends? I don't think that's the answer, I don't feel this is a deal breaker. Yes if we were engaged then I would have to really go into detail about what he thinks our marriage would look like. I am very close to my family and I did mention to him I would like to spend a couple days a week with them even when we're married and he was all for it. I guess he really likes his alone time and I understand that but texting is so easy. 

Should I text him more than just Wed? Maybe I should bring up video chatting again. Maybe if I just take all the initiative then he'll realize he likes communicating with me more and will start on his own?

So if you love him so much that you ignore yourself, why are you asking for advice here that you don’t want to hear?

Good luck in settling for someone who ignores your needs.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

Do you have a car?

Good question. He drives round trips to pick you up and drop you off?

Sorry to say but that's a huge problem. You seem overly dependent on him to get out of your house, no?

So all he has to do is pick you up, hang out at his family's house, have sex then drop you off?

[Gaeta]

I'm still waiting to hear why you consider this guy so special. You said he's amazing on weekends? How is he amazing?

I don't see anything special in this guy, and I certainly don't see what a young man should be doing when he's thinking of marrying his gf.

If I were your family I would not be impressed either. It's not because a guy takes you home, feeds you and bed you from Friday night to Sunday night that he's an amazing guy. The lovey dovey is not a proof of genuine interest/love.

Why your weekends don't involve spending time at YOUR place? Yes I understand you may have more privacy at his place but your boyfriend should be concern with making an impression on your family as well. You should also be spending time at YOUR place. Your boyfriend should also be concern with doing things to be helpful to you and your family. ALL the men in my life visited my parents, spent time in the woods with my dad, helped my mom cooking, spent his evenings playing board games with everyone. As per the last 6 pages there is no regular time spent with your family and to me it's a red flag. Meeting them is not the same as spending regular time with them as any man projecting himself as your husband should do.

I also don't feel a sense of protection from your boyfriend and it's one of the biggest indication that a man really cares for you. He wants to know how's your day, how's that big meeting you were dreading, how was that doctor's appointment. A man that cares LISTENS to you and he keeps track of what is going on in your life. 

I know you think this man is the salt of the earth and you won't breakup but I know you will keep in mind everything we said here and it will slowly sink in. You're not ready yet to see who he is for real but eventually you will. 

 

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I'm still waiting to hear why you consider this guy so special. You said he's amazing on weekends? How is he amazing?

I don't see anything special in this guy, and I certainly don't see what a young man should be doing when he's thinking of marrying his gf.

If I were your family I would not be impressed either. It's not because a guy takes you home, feeds you and bed you from Friday night to Sunday night that he's an amazing guy. The lovey dovey is not a proof of genuine interest/love.

Why your weekends don't involve spending time at YOUR place? Yes I understand you may have more privacy at his place but your boyfriend should be concern with making an impression on your family as well. You should also be spending time at YOUR place. Your boyfriend should also be concern with doing things to be helpful to you and your family. ALL the men in my life visited my parents, spent time in the woods with my dad, helped my mom cooking, spent his evenings playing board games with everyone. As per the last 6 pages there is no regular time spent with your family and to me it's a red flag. Meeting them is not the same as spending regular time with them as any man projecting himself as your husband should do.

I also don't feel a sense of protection from your boyfriend and it's one of the biggest indication that a man really cares for you. He wants to know how's your day, how's that big meeting you were dreading, how was that doctor's appointment. A man that cares LISTENS to you and he keeps track of what is going on in your life. 

I know you think this man is the salt of the earth and you won't breakup but I know you will keep in mind everything we said here and it will slowly sink in. You're not ready yet to see who he is for real but eventually you will. 

 

Stop bothering, she doesn’t want to hear the truth because she is in denial and loves him soooooo much! In other words, she lacks self-love and self-esteem.

This is the typical avoidant emotionally unavailable guy who future fakes (as in intending to marry her), does what he wants on his own terms and shows clearly by his actions how (not) much she means to him.

Basically they don’t have a relationship, they have an arrangement that works as long as she enables him. 

Sad to say the least to ignore so many great advice here and with so many great men out there. To each their own.

And this is also why so many children grow up with avoidant fathers who fuc* up their lives and their emotional well being. Because their moms ignored the red flags when they were dating. Sad, very sad.
 

Edited April 4, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Should I text him more than just Wed? Maybe I should bring up video chatting again. Maybe if I just take all the initiative then he'll realize he likes communicating with me more and will start on his own?

Doubt it. Haven’t you had this discussion before?

Look, if you’ve decided to accept this and you have decided you are not going to leave the man, just let it go. 

This wouldn’t be for me. But, I wish you well.

Edited April 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

OP there is nothing you can do to change this. He makes the rules. If you don't like the rules, he's going to show you the door. So accept the way it is, if you don't want to lose him.

After 2 years....where is this ring, engagement, marriage he keeps promising?

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

It was hard for me to find people to date before I met him and I spent many years single. Why would I dump him and then sit home on weekends? I don't think that's the answer, I don't feel this is a deal breaker.

So basically what I'm hearing is that you are staying in this relationship because you don't think you'll be able to find anyone else.  

When I was young and stupid I used to stay in bad relationships for this very same reason.... I didn't think I could do better, maybe deep down I didn't think I deserved better.  I had low self-esteem and I think you do, too.

[poppyfields]

 

12 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Our weekends are just so special and great. 

BluePink, how so, can you elaborate on this?^^ 

It might help give everyone a better understanding as to why this is not a dealbreaker for you.

My previous ex was the first man who required "space" in our relationship.  In fact, when we lived together, we had separate bedrooms, NOT because of lack of desire for sex or even sleeping together.  God no!  Just the opposite in fact but won't get into that, this is your thread.😳

It was just nice having our own separate space, and it enhanced our relationship, actually brought us closer and we fell deeply in love.  

My boyfriends before him wanted to spend all their free time with me which was suffocating and in retrospect one reason why I never fell deeply in love with them.

So, early in with my ex, I felt insecure like you so I asked him why he didn't want or need to spend all his free time with me and why some days he went quiet.

Interesting response, which my dad confirmed at the time because he was the same.

He said "just because I don't need to spend more time with you or talk to you, does not mean I love you less.  Sometimes I think I love you more, because your love involves need and mine doesn't, I just love you." 

Ask yourself why you 'need' him to contact you Mon-Thurs, given how beautiful and special your 3-day weekends are.  

Need has nothing to do with love imo, two different things.

People need their partners for all sorts of unhealthy reasons, but don't necessarily love them.

I know you do love him but again, ask yourself this question, the answer may allow you to consider an alternative mindset than what you're currently experiencing.

Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields