He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why not encourage a different more positive perspective? 

Because I frankly see little positive in her situation, and I am not going to post a perspective that does not reflect my genuine opinion of her situation. 

That's all. 

 

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

Yes it is true that not everything is black and white. But apparently your BF is. He's the type that needs his distance during the week and is fully available during the weekends. I am also such a type, which is why I can relate to him. It does not mean I am not emotionally vulnerable. It just means I am occupied by my purpose that is beyond romance - which is just a part of my life, but not all of it.

While it may be true that not every man can spend 5 days not hearing your voice, but who are you with?

Where are the rest of the guys? You are with the one who you seem to be complaining about. So perhaps he's doing something right? The gift of making you miss him? 

I am not the OP. 

I understand you may be busy with your other occupation but in this case OP's boyfriend simply use the excuse he's tired, lets keep in mind he's late 20s not 60 yo. 

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree with Gaeta. 

There are several issues here that go beyond frequency of dates and communication. 

Yeah I agree. How old is this guy. He sounds like a moody teen. He doesn't want to go to the mall so instead of telling you he just avoids the question? You've been together two years and this kind of basic communication is still beyond him?????

[prince0fgame]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am not the OP. 

I understand you may be busy with your other occupation but in this case OP's boyfriend simply use the excuse he's tired, lets keep in mind he's late 20s not 60 yo. 

Oh ok my bad. My apologies. [redacted]

From my personal experience, relationships are about connection.......and space. Just like sex. You go inside...then go outside. This is the motion of romance. It's not about connection all the time. That's how people get sick and tired of each other.

Each person should have their own separate lives that keeps them busy. And then they can come together during that special time of the week. Relationships are a rhythm. You come together because you miss each other. Then you go apart - so that you can come together again. 

Edited April 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, prince0fgame said:

Each person should have their own separate lives that keeps them busy. And then they can come together during that special time of the week. Relationships are a rhythm. You come together because you miss each other. Then you go apart - so that you can come together again. 

It's a nice theory when we're older like at my age, my ex and I spent a lot of time together but never moved in with each other our 5  years together. It worked, I enjoyed my free evenings but not a dynamic that fits well with young couples aiming at having marriage/family together. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

He is just being a man. 

Men and women are different. And that's why we attract one another. 

Such logic! 

Just teasing.   Actually it's true, it really is that simple.

Strive for understanding OP, not opposition.

Embrace the differences, the polarity.

 

[Angelle]

8 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

Oh ok my bad. My apologies. 

From my personal experience, relationships are about connection.......and space. Just like sex. You go inside...then go outside. This is the motion of romance. It's not about connection all the time. That's how people get sick and tired of each other.

Each person should have their own separate lives that keeps them busy. And then they can come together during that special time of the week. Relationships are a rhythm. You come together because you miss each other. Then you go apart - so that you can come together again. 

Also knowing that you can count on the person, if you want something more than living a romance novel on the weekends. Knowing that they will be there when you are dealing with the crap that life throws at you, when you're grieving and dealing with the loss of people that you love. Talking about marriage, without making firm plans, and not knowing if you can stand the person when you're with them all the time, that wouldn't work for me.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Emilyinroses]

On 3/26/2021 at 3:24 AM, BluePink123 said:

I have been with this great guy for over 2 years and we are in our late 20s. We spend every Fri-Sun together at his place. We have such amazing weekends together, we get along sooo well. We are in love, we talk about marriage, kids and our future together. He is just such a sweet guy and treats me so well. However, after I leave on Sun night I don't hear from him at all until he picks me up on Fri night. 

I have brought this up several times over the years however he gets defensive sometimes and just says he is busy with work during the week and he doesn't want to bother me. He says he doesn't like talking about his day, has nothing to say and he enjoys when we just tell each other about our week in person on the weekend. 

I text him on Wed night just to ask how he is and he says he's good and asks me how I am, short text convo about work etc. 

Sometimes I will text him a question and he sometimes won't answer for hours or days. He says he loses his phone in his room or doesn't hear it.  

Why do you think this is and what should I do? Would you be okay with this? 

 

I advise you to read the book "Attached" and learn about attachment styles in love. From what you describe he seems to be an avoidant. 

He is with you in his own terms and disappears on his own terms too, not giving a damn to how you feel.

My advice would be to stop focusing on why he does this or that and Focus instead on why you put up with it and want to marry this guy? Why spending years telling someone how you feel and not being heard?

He is showing you zero respect about how you feel and your needs. He is not a match. Please save yourself the heartbreak of divorce.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

It seems she tried to talk to him many times.

He is ignoring her needs and how she feels. MAJOR red flag in my opinion.

And she shouldn't be with him on weekends like nothing is wrong with this happening. They are not a match that is pretty clear.

If the guy I am dating ignored my messages for days with the excuse his phone was on silent or whatever, he would not get a second chance to do it again for sure. Over and out. Not how me or any woman deserve to be treated.

I can hear the wedding vows "I promise to love you and cherish you from Friday to Sunday, the others days my phone is on sílent and I'll ignore you".

Please girl, remove the rose tinted glasses and tell this idiot to take a hike.

Edited April 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

It seems she tried to talk to him many times.

He is ignoring her needs and how she feels. MAJOR red flag in my opinion. 

I can hear the wedding vows "I promise to love you and cherish you from Friday to Sunday, the others days my phone is on sílent and I'll ignore you".

If that's happening, that's definitely not cool.   

Which is why I suggested she talk to him and ask him how he envisions being married, since he is the one discussing it.

 

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If that's happening, that's definitely not cool. 

Which is why I suggested she talk to him and ask him how he envisions being married, since he is the one discussing it.

 

 

I have a feeling the "getting married" is just the carrott at the front keeping her going. He probably has another girl from Sunday to Friday promising the same to her, wouldn't be surprised. That's why he "forgets" the phone on silent.

From what she said she already tried to talk to him and resulted in nothing. 

By allowing him to spend weekends together with this issue unresolved for months, she is enabling his shyt behaviour. I wouldn't discuss anything else, it's done and bye. Actions speak louder than words.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I have a feeling the "getting married" is just the carrott at the front keeping her going. He probably has another girl from Sunday to Friday promising the same to her, wouldn't be surprised. That's why he "forgets" the phone on silent.

From what she said she already tried to talk to him and resulted in nothing. 

By allowing him to spend weekends together with this issue unresolved for months, she is enabling his shyt behaviour. I wouldn't discuss anything else, it's done and bye.

She sees him Friday - Sunday, but if you mean he has another girl Monday - Thursday, that's a stretch and not my sense, but anything is possible.  I  know of no woman who would be happy with Monday - Thursday and disappears every weekend, the weekends are prime relationship time.

Plus she's met and close with his entire family.

However, one never knows, but again not my sense of it from everything she has posted.

I could be wrong.

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She sees him Friday - Sunday, but if you mean he has another girl Monday - Thursday, that's a stretch and not my sense, but anything is possible.  I  know of no woman who would be happy with Monday - Thursday and disappears every weekend, the weekends are prime relationship time.

Plus she's met and close with his entire family.

However, one never knows, but again not my sense of it from everything she has posted.

I could be wrong.

 

And he could easily have a FWB sort of arrangement the other days of the week, or be with several other women, or just be alone playing Playstation.

The point is how he ignores her needs and that is not ok. This is a nightmare waiting to happen, that she can avoid.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

Doesn't mean it's another woman but he may prefer drinking, using drugs, gambling or gaming instead of seeing her...not better.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

I can be wrong too, but something is not ok and this is a nightmare waiting to happen, that she can avoid.

Well, she loves him, believes and feels he loves her and is on cloud nine every weekend, so it's not likely she will avoid it.

I am not getting the negative vibe y'all are getting, but again I could be wrong.

I hope it all works out for her....  they've been together a long time, she's part of his family.

 

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Doesn't mean it's another woman but he may prefer drinking, using drugs, gambling or gaming instead of seeing her...not better.

Whatever it is. He is ignoring her. Not how a husband should behave.

If she was doing the same to him on weekends (putting phone on silent and ignoring him), they would never see each other. But she is enabling his mistreatment.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, she loves him, believes and feels he loves her and is on cloud nine every weekend, so it's not likely she will avoid it.

I am not getting the negative vibe y'all are getting, but again I could be wrong.

I hope it all works out for her....  they've been together a long time, she's part of his family.

 

They have been together for a long time because she enables his behaviour.  And now even have a crowd of people to support the enabling (part of the family).

On cloud nine on weekends and ignored the rest of the week?? Are you kidding me, in which planet is this ok? She should love herself instead.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[BluePink123]

Thanks again everyone! 
 

I really don't think he is seeing anyone else. He comes off bad in words, but if you knew him you would think differently, he is such a sweet man. Our weekends are perfect together. 

Please understand I am not looking to get married or have kids in the near future. That is not what this is about. It just annoys me when he talks about marriage and kids with me after he ignored my text or doesn't even know basic things about my life. 
 

I don't like confrontation and when I brought this up he will get defensive and seem annoyed. He acts like no couples communicate during the week and are just focused on work and acts like I am in the wrong.

He has met my whole family, he comes with me to parties and social events. He lives with his family like I said above. We are not in places of our life to be married because of financial reasons. I don't care about getting married right now, I care about he doesn't talk to me during week or knows what is happening with me.
 

I texted him one Wed and didn't hear back until Friday when he always texts me every week he is leaving work and. I was really worried about him and I thought something happened to him. When I got in the car I texted him to check what was up with his phone and his text sound was off, he didn't know and didn't see my texts pop up. He always answers my texts except the mall text when he prob didn't know what to say bec he didn't want to go. He said he didn't see my texts pop up. Anyway the point was he didn't hear from me on Wed and didn't care about me or where I was. I always text him on Wed. and have for over a year.

We did used to see each other on a Wed night in the city before covid and when I was busy on a weekend day. 
 

I love him so much and just don't know what to do. We really love our weekends together, we have a lot in common, very special time together, we have sooo much fun, no guy has ever loved me like he does, it's just annoying I don't hear from him all week. When I come home on Sun night I know that is it until Fri night except when I text him on Wed night. My family thinks it is weird and rubs salt in the womb too. I know its weird but I won't dump him over this. It just makes me sad sometimes when I think about it. I try to focus on the positives and that is what I have done for years. 

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by BluePink123

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, BluePink123 said:

I texted him one Wed and didn't hear back until Friday when he always texts me every week he is leaving work and. I was really worried about him and I thought something happened to him. When I got in the car I texted him to check what was up with his phone and his text sound was off, he didn't know and didn't see my texts pop up. He always answers my texts except the mall text when he prob didn't know what to say bec he didn't want to go. He said he didn't see my texts pop up. Anyway the point was he didn't hear from me on Wed and didn't care about me or where I was. I always text him on Wed. and have for over a year.

We did used to see each other on a Wed night in the city before covid and when I was busy on a weekend day. 
 

I love him so much and just don't know what to do. We really love our weekends together, we have a lot in common, very special time together, we have sooo much fun, no guy has ever loved me like he does, it's just annoying I don't hear from him all week. When I come home on Sun night I know that is it until Fri night except when I text him on Wed night. My family thinks it is weird and rubs salt in the womb too. I know its weird but I won't dump him over this. 
 

I do hope you realize that this is not about him just being  man, or appricating space in a relationship. 

This is disrespectful, rude and immature behaviour. 

However, since you have spoken to him many times and nothing has imporoved, and you're not seeing this as a deal-breaker, then you have to also realize that you have accepted this dynamic and it's very unlikely to change. He's fine with this, and seems to be keen to keep things the way they are. 

You can't make someone care more than they actually do. Sorry, girl. 

[Emilyinroses]

3 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Thanks again everyone! 
 

I really don't think he is seeing anyone else. He comes off bad in words, but if you knew him you would think differently, he is such a sweet man. Our weekends are perfect together. 

Please understand I am not looking to get married or have kids in the near future. That is not what this is about. It just annoys me when he talks about marriage and kids with me after he ignored my text or doesn't even know basic things about my life. 
 

I don't like confrontation and when I brought this up he will get defensive and seem annoyed. He acts like no couples communicate during the week and are just focused on work and acts like I am in the wrong.

He has met my whole family, he comes with me to parties and social events. He lives with his family like I said above. We are not in places of our life to be married because of financial reasons. I don't care about getting married right now, I care about he doesn't talk to me during week or knows what is happening with me.
 

I texted him one Wed and didn't hear back until Friday when he always texts me every week he is leaving work and. I was really worried about him and I thought something happened to him. When I got in the car I texted him to check what was up with his phone and his text sound was off, he didn't know and didn't see my texts pop up. He always answers my texts except the mall text when he prob didn't know what to say bec he didn't want to go. He said he didn't see my texts pop up. Anyway the point was he didn't hear from me on Wed and didn't care about me or where I was. I always text him on Wed. and have for over a year.

We did used to see each other on a Wed night in the city before covid and when I was busy on a weekend day. 
 

I love him so much and just don't know what to do. We really love our weekends together, we have a lot in common, very special time together, we have sooo much fun, no guy has ever loved me like he does, it's just annoying I don't hear from him all week. When I come home on Sun night I know that is it until Fri night except when I text him on Wed night. My family thinks it is weird and rubs salt in the womb too. I know its weird but I won't dump him over this. It just makes me sad sometimes when I think about it. I try to focus on the positives and that is what I have done for years. 

 

You are enabling behaviour you don’t feel comfortable with and you are ignoring how you feel ‘in the name of loving him so much’.

No woman with a good self esteem tolerates being ignored like this.

He is not a sweet man that loves you so much. Take off your rose tinted glasses and see him for who he is: an avoidant who is ignoring your needs.

Stop getting together on weekends and enabling his poor behaviour, or just continue to ignore yourself and have more things like this happening in the future.

What you need is to love yourself above all and learn how not to ignore your needs. You are wasting precious time of your life with this avoidant idiot. You deserve much better, a man who is always there for you.

If you came here is because you know something is wrong. Please do yourself a favour and read the book ‘Attached’.

Edited April 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

 . My family thinks it is weird and rubs salt in the womb too.

How do they know about this problem? Why do "they think it's weird" and how do "they rub it in"?

It seems what's irritating you is that his form of string along talk it blatantly insincere. He's also not as invested as you are. 

Why not stay busier during the week with courses, classes, side jobs, friends, family, fitness,etc.?

Make better use of your time. Begging him to chitchat  in itself is clingy and unattractive.

Get more of your own life. You can run away from your family and life on your weekend escapes to him, but sooner or later, when this ends, you'll have to figure out how to run your life and manage your time more productively anyway.

Consider this your issue, not his. This is an issue of weekend escapes and weekday boredom and poor time management.

You wouldn't be staring at your phone wondering why he's not texting if you had a full busy productive life.

 

[Emilyinroses]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do they know about this problem? Why do "they think it's weird" and how do "they rub it in"?

It seems what's irritating you is that his form of string along talk it blatantly insincere. He's also not as invested as you are. 

Why not stay busier during the week with courses, classes, side jobs, friends, family, fitness,etc.?

Make better use of your time. Begging him to chitchat  in itself is clingy and unattractive.

Get more of your own life. You can run away from your family and life on your weekend escapes to him, but sooner or later, when this ends, you'll have to figure out how to run your life and manage your time more productively anyway.

Consider this your issue, not his. This is an issue of weekend escapes and weekday boredom and poor time management.

You wouldn't be staring at your phone wondering why he's not texting if you had a full busy productive life.

 

Please OP do NOT EVER think that wanting to talk openly to someone is being clingy and unattractive! The only people to whom this is clingy and unattractive is to avoidant people!

Wanting to talk openly is part of a secure and healthy relationship and you have every right to do so. He is the one that is being unattractive with his behaviour!

Do not also think you need to distract yourself with other things and ignore this (although yes I agree you should have a life outside of any relationship).

You need to face things as they are. He is not going to change. Time to take the decision you already know you have to do.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

 do NOT EVER think that wanting to talk openly to someone is being clingy and unattractive! 

Her BF thinks it is that's the reason for the thread.

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

We did used to see each other on a Wed night in the city before covid and when I was busy on a weekend day. 

I see the superficial we cut down our visits to limits Covid exposure appeal but the disease doesn't care about days of the week.  Exposure to the virus is exposure.  

If you want more then you are getting -- increased communication, time together not just on weekends etc. & although you have asked for it but aren't getting it, that is a problem.  Your family isn't rubbing salt in the wound.  They are agreeing with you , that your BF isn't treating you well.  At heart they are trying to empower you.  It just hurts because you know this wound is so raw 

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her BF thinks it is that's the reason for the thread.

The reason for the thread is how she feels about the whole shyt situation of being ignored.

Edited April 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses