He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

It just feels like a weekend relationship, however on weekends he talks about marriage and kids. 

If the words and actions don’t match up, always pay attention to the actions. 

He didn’t want to meet you at the mall, he couldn’t put in the effort, and he didn’t even bother to reply to your text. 

BluePink, you need to get this man out of his comfort zone. You want to know what kind of a partner he is going to be, things need to be less convenient for him. Will he meet you half way? He certainly didn’t meet you at the mall. He’s not willing to compromise about communication during the week. How exactly is marriage going to look with this man... 

[BaileyB]

In other words, he wants to move toward marriage and kids. After two years, it’s time to start progressing in that direction. Which means, you need to start requiring more from him. He needs to demonstrate to you that he means what he says. 

And by that, I don’t mean a proposal. I mean, you plan a date on a Wednesday night. He comes to visit you on the weekend. You meet his family... see what I’m saying. This relationship has a long way to go before you are ready to even think about marriage. 

[poppyfields]

I have an idea. Next time he brings up marriage, playfully ask him how that would work, would you have your own separate homes and only spend time together on weekends?  

It would be quite a transition to go from just weekends to every day as you would when married.  A traditional marriage.

So ask him about it.

I honestly don't think there is anything devious going on, he is simply not a man who enjoys or needs the often contrived, meaningless, inane chit chat in between your intimate weekends together, which do mean something.

Quality over quantity.  

Edited April 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

He initially responded if we would meet there or does he need to pick me up. I said either way is fine and he didn't respond  I eventually just asked him more about his brother and turns out he did have a negative test so I went over to stay with him as normal, I did ask why he didn't respond and he said he didn't want to go to the mall. I know this sounds bad, but he is such a sweet guy and he probably just didn't know what to respond.

I am also on Spring Break this week and off from work and I texted him yesterday bec I always do on Wed and he asked me if I started back in person school or am I off? He didn't even know what I was doing!

I will bring this all up to him again. In the past when I would address this he would get annoyed and just say he is busy with work. 

I love him and I know he loves me. I can't tell you how much fun our weekends are together, he is the best! We get along soooo well. I just wish the weekdays were more normal and we were in contact. 
He has made me so happy, I am floating on a cloud on weekends, it is just perfect however on the weekend!

Issue 1: So when you offered him to  meet at the mall he did not tell you right away his brother teste negative? You had to question him to find out the test result and THEN you ended up going there. If you had not questioned him about the covid test he wouldn't have invite you over AND he wouldn't have gone see you at the mall. 

Issue 2: Is link to issue 1. He did not want to see you. He didn't reply to the text about meeting at the mall because he didn't want to go and he didn't volunteer the test result because he didn't want to see you. 

Issue 3: He can't be bothered to keep track of important things concerning you: Your vaccine, your spring break, your work schedule. 

Issue 4: He doesn't care about how the whole thing makes you feel and he's unwilling to find a compromise. You bringing this up again for a 5th time won't change a thing. Only actions will generate a counter-action on his part. Words don't bother him, he's shown you that. 

Issue 5: How old is this guy that he's too tired on a Wednesday night to give you a call? I have an ex in his 50s worked 16 hours a day and still drove the 40km at 10 pm almost every night to be with me and he was on that schedule for 2 years. 

Question : Why are your weekend so happy?

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Gaeta. 

There are several issues here that go beyond frequency of dates and communication. 

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This really sounds like the ideal situation imo, during the week do your own thing, touch base briefly mid-week, and have your wonderful and intimate 3-day weekends together which is something you can count on and look forward to!

But it's not the dynamic she wants. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's not the dynamic she wants. 

Thanks, I know.  Just my attempt at getting her to see glass half full versus half empty, that's all.

But you're right, there may be other issues at play that go beyond which warrant addressing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's not the dynamic she wants. 

This is how I see it, too. 

That dynamic might work fine for some couples, but not for OP, by her own admission.  It isn't really productive to try to force herself to ignore her own desires and expectations, and make herself accept something that is not instinctively what she is seeking. 

I don't think this has anything to do with quality over quantity, either. She and her boyfriend simply have totally different definitions of quality. His version of "quality" is completely at odds with hers, rendering the relationship uneasy and unfulfilling for her. 

OP, you don't have to be okay with this. Just understand that it will likely mean the relaitonship will not progress. 

 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That dynamic might work fine for some couples, but not for OP, by her own admission.  

To be fair, it’s worked “ok” for her for the last two years. She hasn’t been entirely happy, but she has agreed to the arrangement - almost like they were casually dating. But now, it’s two years in and they are in their late 20’s and she is starting to look the future and wondering... rightfully, how is this going to work? Despite his words, the relationship is not progressing. To be fair, anyone can throw around the word marriage. “Someday” I want to get “married...” That means nothing, if he won’t take your calls during the week, won’t meet you for a date at the mall, and doesn’t take an interest in other aspects of your life. 

This is at the moment a “marriage” of convenience - for him. 

Edited April 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

>>It isn't really productive to try to force herself to ignore her own desires and expectations, and make herself accept something that is not instinctively what she is seeking. <<

No one is "forcing" her to do anything, again I'm simply encouraging a different alternative to the negative that's being presented. 

You and others are conveniently omitting all the positives she feels and experiences with him.  She has clearly stated she's on cloud nine when they're together and very happy.  

I think it's 'productive' for her to hear all opinions, not just the negative ones. 

 

 

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To be fair, it’s worked “ok” for her for the last two years. She hasn’t been entirely happy, but she has agreed to the arrangement

Yes, exactly. 

She has gone along with it, but she admits she's not happy with the bigger picture. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You and others are conveniently omitting all the positives she feels and experiences with him.  She has clearly stated she's on cloud nine when they're together and very happy

No. 

I simply recognize that great weekends are not enough to sustain a long-term relationship for her. She wouldn't be here if those positives were suffficent in compensating for the detachment and loneliness she's feeling 5/7 days of the week. 

[BaileyB]

I look the future and if they were to marry, I can envision that she will be doing all the work with the house and the kids... while he hides out in the basement or the garage because he needs his space and he’s tired from work. When she asks for assistance, he is unwilling to compromise. She will be wondering, how did this happen... where did I go wrong...

Edited April 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I look the future and if they were to marry, I can envision that she will be doing all the work with the house and the kids... while he hides out in the basement or the garage because he needs his space and he’s tired from work. When she asks for assistance, he is unwilling to compromise. She will be wondering, how did this happen... where did I go wrong...

Absolutely! the pattern will not change after marriage. 

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact this guy is end 20s and too tired to pick up a phone or too tired for anything on week nights! He's a man on his own, no kids, no responsibilities waiting for him at home, and he's too tired? 

[ShyViolet]

58 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She has clearly stated she's on cloud nine when they're together and very happy.  

If everything was fine and great, she wouldn't have created this post.  She's clearly not happy overall with this situation.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If everything was fine and great, she wouldn't have created this post.  She's clearly not happy overall with this situation.

My "clearly" went to statements she actually made (she's on cloud nine and happy when they're together).

Your ''clearly" is supposition, assumption unless you're psychic and can read her mind and thoughts.

She stated she created this thread to get opinions.

She wishes they could speak during the week, but if she were so unhappy as you suppose, she wouldn't be on cloud nine when together on weekends, she would not have said he's the sweetest man, treats her well and their time together is awesome.  

My sense is these posts are making her feel more negative about it than when she initially posted. 

Par for the couse lately.

Said my piece, ciao.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not sure why you're taking this thread so personally, Poppy. 

We're all simply giving opinions, just like you. 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm not sure why you're taking this thread so personally, Poppy. 

We're all simply giving opinions, just like you. 

Not taking it personally as much as tired of all the negative I've been reading lately. 

Why not encourage a different more positive perspective? 

Versus assuming things like when they're married, "she will be doing all the work with the house and the kids... while he hides out in the basement or the garage because he needs his space and he’s tired from work. When she asks for assistance, he is unwilling to compromise."

Which was posted and agreed with. 

What's that about?

Anyway, no disrespect to your or anyone's opinions, again I think it's productive for OP to hear all views and decide for herself.

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Peach]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

To be fair, it’s worked “ok” for her for the last two years. She hasn’t been entirely happy, but she has agreed to the arrangement - almost like they were casually dating. But now, it’s two years in and they are in their late 20’s and she is starting to look the future and wondering... rightfully, how is this going to work? Despite his words, the relationship is not progressing. To be fair, anyone can throw around the word marriage. “Someday” I want to get “married...” That means nothing, if he won’t take your calls during the week, won’t meet you for a date at the mall, and doesn’t take an interest in other aspects of your life. 

This is at the moment a “marriage” of convenience - for him. 

I mentioned I have an ex that sounds a lot like the OP's BF. Besides the communication issues this was another point in the back of my mind. I was starting to want to feel like I had a partner rather than a permanent date. I was also being stalked at the time at work and he never seemed interested in that which I found odd. 

 

I would really question if you could live like things are right now if nothing changes. If you were to move to something else what would it look like? Him moving there? You moving to him? What would change? How can you test his words from a behavior standpoint.

 

For me in the end even though he treated me really well otherwise I decided to move on. I am still good with that choice as I think I would have been unhappy over time staying. I'm mentioning all this because it helps me when I hear from people in similar situations, their choices, and whether they were happy with them in the end.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Absolutely! the pattern will not change after marriage. 

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact this guy is end 20s and too tired to pick up a phone or too tired for anything on week nights! He's a man on his own, no kids, no responsibilities waiting for him at home, and he's too tired? 

Me too. I also had trouble with this in my relationship. Not even a couple of texts either. It felt bad this guy wouldn't spend a couple minutes per day to do something to make me happy but he was willing to pick me up, take me to nice dates, pay for everything, etc. It seems like an odd combination that kept me off balance.

 

I recently met a guy in his 60s who is a a bit of a workaholic who is calling and texting me all the time. Most guys can at least manage a good morning or good night text even if they hardly know you. I don't see why it had to be difficult or time consuming and it would make the OP feel way better.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Miss Peach

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Versus assuming things like when they're married, "she will be doing all the work with the house and the kids... while he hides out in the basement or the garage because he needs his space and he’s tired from work. When she asks for assistance, he is unwilling to compromise."

Which was posted and agreed with. 

What's that about?

It's about life experience and wisdom

Her boyfriend is already against compromise, he's already not invested on week days, he's already in not making efforts, he's mainly into himself and what he wants.  That won't change. He's not going to turn into a hands-on husband/father when he's not a hands-on boyfriend. 

[prince0fgame]

This is nothing more than the masculine-feminine polarity. The woman looks at the man, while the man stares into the abyss. 

Men have to be purposeful. 

You might not know this, but it is his seemingly emotionally distant behavior that is attracting you in the first place.

If he were to act the opposite - more feminine and needy, you'd be repulsed. Your post would read "He's perfect in every way, does everything I tell him to do, always there when I need him - why am I not attracted to him?"

Think about it. You are really attracted to him. You think he's a great guy. Therefore he must be masculine.

Masculine men stare into the abyss during the week. That's how we are. We are constantly striving to achieve our purpose in life. He is not emotionally distant. He is just being a man. 

Men and women are different. And that's why we attract one another. 

Edited April 2, 2021 by prince0fgame

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

The woman looks at the man, while the man stares into the abyss. 

Men have to be purposeful. 

Nah, he’s just watching sports... or, thinking about his next meal.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

If he were to act the opposite - more feminine and needy, you'd be repulsed. Your post would read "He's perfect in every way, does everything I tell him to do, always there when I need him - why am I not attracted to him?"

Not everything is black or white, in this case not everything is masculine vs. feminine. We are a mixture of both, no one is totally masculine or totally feminine. Yes men need their caveman time but it's certainly not 5 days a week. A man that needs 5 days a week of caveman time is an emotionally unavailable man. I am not new to relationships, every man I was involved with could not spend 5 days without hearing my voice, hearing about my day, making sure all was well with me. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why not encourage a different more positive perspective? 

If you fail to notice the red flags along the way, you will find life so much more difficult as you move further down the road...

[prince0fgame]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Not everything is black or white, in this case not everything is masculine vs. feminine. We are a mixture of both, no one is totally masculine or totally feminine. Yes men need their caveman time but it's certainly not 5 days a week. A man that needs 5 days a week of caveman time is an emotionally unavailable man. I am not new to relationships, every man I was involved with could not spend 5 days without hearing my voice, hearing about my day, making sure all was well with me. 

Yes it is true that not everything is black and white. But apparently your BF is. He's the type that needs his distance during the week and is fully available during the weekends. I am also such a type, which is why I can relate to him. It does not mean I am not emotionally vulnerable. It just means I am occupied by my purpose that is beyond romance - which is just a part of my life, but not all of it.

While it may be true that not every man can spend 5 days not hearing your voice, but who are you with?

Where are the rest of the guys? You are with the one who you seem to be complaining about. So perhaps he's doing something right? The gift of making you miss him? 

Edited April 2, 2021 by prince0fgame