He wants to marry me but I don't hear from him all week.

[BluePink123]

I have been with this great guy for over 2 years and we are in our late 20s. We spend every Fri-Sun together at his place. We have such amazing weekends together, we get along sooo well. We are in love, we talk about marriage, kids and our future together. He is just such a sweet guy and treats me so well. However, after I leave on Sun night I don't hear from him at all until he picks me up on Fri night. 

I have brought this up several times over the years however he gets defensive sometimes and just says he is busy with work during the week and he doesn't want to bother me. He says he doesn't like talking about his day, has nothing to say and he enjoys when we just tell each other about our week in person on the weekend. 

I text him on Wed night just to ask how he is and he says he's good and asks me how I am, short text convo about work etc. 

Sometimes I will text him a question and he sometimes won't answer for hours or days. He says he loses his phone in his room or doesn't hear it.  

Why do you think this is and what should I do? Would you be okay with this? 

 

Edited March 26, 2021 by BluePink123

[FMW]

Why do you think this is - Since you've had this conversation with him more than once I think you should believe what he's told you. He's given you reasons, you just aren't accepting them.  It's very possible he just really isn't in to texting and chatting on the phone.  It's possible he gets absorbed with work during he week and really doesn't feel the need to chat or text, knowing you will be together on the weekend.   

and what should I do? - I think you've done what you can, you've brought it up with him, I'm guessing you made it clear in those conversations that you weren't happy with it, but he hasn't changed.  If he isn't willingly trying to accommodate your desire for more contact, continuing to ask probably won't help.   

Would you be okay with this? - What matters is that YOU aren't okay with it.  I'm guessing most people are going to agree with you.  It's normal to need and want more regular communication and contact between actually seeing each other, but not everyone falls into those "normal" patterns.  Not everyone's needs are the same. 

It comes down to what you are willing to accept.  Does the good outweigh this issue if he never changes? 

Maybe the important thing is do you trust him, or do you think there is something he's keeping hidden?  Why do YOU think he's this way?

[Wiseman2]

Just curious why you need him to pick you up and why you never invite him to your place?

Is this a distance relationship? Can you meet for dinner or something mid week?

"We talk about future, marriage and family" is not the same as being engaged.

For some reason he likes his space and has his routine. A routine that for 2 years has not progressed at all.

If he's talking about marriage and future, why is that not actually happening in real time?

[La.Primavera]

He does it because it that's the type of relationship he wants with you.  Part time, with fun weekends.  It doesn't seem to match up with a man who wants to get married.  It wouldn't surprise me if the marriage talk gets strung out for years without any action.  It's already been two years.

If I was looking for a committed, long term relationship, this would not be a relationship I would invest it personally.  At the end of the day, this isn't about anyone else.  The real question should be, are you are okay with this?

You need to weigh up whether the current situation is enough for you.  If it isn't, you need to make it clear what you're communication needs and expectations are going forward and see if that is something he can accommodate.  If he can't, he's probably not going to be husband material for you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

This is really fishy, OP. 

I would serioulsy be wondering if he has someone else who stays with him during the week. His routine, extended absences are a gigantic red flag, whatever the case. Why have you tolerated this for 2 years? Have you ever met his friends and family? 

Talk of marriage is meaningless with this guy. You're his weekend girlfriend but girl, he is not marriage material and is blowing smoke up your rear. 

[Fletch Lives]

I'm not a phone person and I don't know where it is half the time, but even I reply to texts within 24.

 

Go to his home during the week and see if he has another woman there.

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

I'm not a phone person and I don't know where it is half the time, but even I reply to texts within 24.

 

Go to his home during the week and see if he has another woman there.

interesting idea. 

i mean it is probably unlikely he leads a double life, bc if he sees OP every weekend, i feel the other person in his life would be weirded out by him always being gone during weekends? unless there is the perfect arrangement somehow. who knows?

i would definitely snoop but that's also not the healthiest advice. if he finds out you snooped and nothing ends up being wrong and he told the truth, then it could be a betrayal to him?

 

😕 either take him for his word or, if you are unhappy and think he wont change his lifestyle for you, then maybe you are not a good match longterm?

[NYAG]

8 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

I have been with this great guy for over 2 years and we are in our late 20s. We spend every Fri-Sun together at his place. We have such amazing weekends together, we get along sooo well. We are in love, we talk about marriage, kids and our future together. He is just such a sweet guy and treats me so well. However, after I leave on Sun night I don't hear from him at all until he picks me up on Fri night. 

I have brought this up several times over the years however he gets defensive sometimes and just says he is busy with work during the week and he doesn't want to bother me. He says he doesn't like talking about his day, has nothing to say and he enjoys when we just tell each other about our week in person on the weekend. 

I text him on Wed night just to ask how he is and he says he's good and asks me how I am, short text convo about work etc. 

Sometimes I will text him a question and he sometimes won't answer for hours or days. He says he loses his phone in his room or doesn't hear it.  

Why do you think this is and what should I do? Would you be okay with this? 

 

Different people have different attachment strategies and not everyone is permanently attached to their phone. I have friends and family who won't get back to me for days because it's just not their thing and that's fine by me. Some people have to be in contact every day, others don't. He clearly feels safe enough in his relationship with you that he doesn't need to check in or check up on you in between your 3 days together. This is good thing surely? If his job is busy and he's disciplined about keeping a pressured job separate from his personal life then see that as a bonus. We all need our downtime. If you both have different styles you either need to come to an agreement or you have to accept this is his style - and after all this time you should have just got used to this being his way. You've been together this long. He sounds great, what more do you want from him? if you go on about it enough he will eventually walk.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn’t be thinking about marriage with a man who doesn’t want to see me during the week. How’s that going to work? 

[elaine567]

Have you ever been to his place, stayed overnight at his place?

[Watercolors]

This doesn't seem like a very transparent relationship from either your side or your boyfriend's side OP. You're both hiding your lives from each other. Probably because you aren't that serious about each other. 

This is not a relationship headed for, or ready for, marriage. 

Couples headed for, and ready for, marriage don't hide their own lives from each other. They don't lie to each other either. They are compatible and involve each other in their lives. That doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend, OP. 

Edited March 26, 2021 by Watercolors

[Gaeta]

You're the weekend girlfriend. 

I can't imagine a man not wanting to see you mid-week after 2 years. 

Do you spend  your summer vacation together? Holidays together? Have you met his family and he yours? Do you travel together? Do you flood your social media with pictures of you 2 and he's ok with that?

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

Why do you think this is and what should I do? Would you be okay with this? 

I would not be OK with this.  After 2 years even I want contact throughout the week & I would expect the occasional weeknight date.   Is there a distance thing in here?  Why doesn't he ever come to you?  Why is he picking you up instead of you driving to him?  Do you not know how to drive? 

Next time he mentions marriage, tell him you could not possibly even consider marrying somebody you have never seen on Monday through Thursday.  Then get started having dates on those nights.  

[hippychick3]

I cannot imagine someone who loves you not wanting to talk to or hear from you for 4-5 days every week. Not having daily contact in some way after 2 years would not work for me at all. I’d lose my connection with that person. 
 

I’d also like to know if you’ve met his friends/family and have pictures of each other on his social media. 

[ShyViolet]

Nope, I wouldn't be ok with this at all.  Every long-term relationship I've ever been in, we communicate every day even if it's just a brief nightly phone call or texting.  The fact that you don't hear from him all week seriously makes one wonder what he is doing during that time.  It's very suspicious.  For a relationship that's been going on for two years, it's not normal at all that he doesn't want to communicate with you in some way during the week.  This doesn't sound like a relationship that should be headed for marriage.

[Fletch Lives]

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

would definitely snoop but that's also not the healthiest advice. if he finds out you snooped and nothing ends up being wrong and he told the truth, then it could be a betrayal to him?

It's not snooping. She's been dating this man for 2 years.......just drive to his house to see him......perfectly normal.

[Calmandfocused]

You’ve put up with this for 2 years??!! Really?!! Why are on earth would you do that? 
 

He doesn’t contact you in the week because he doesn’t want to. Nothing to do with being busy, not liking his phone etc. His excuses are nonsense. 
 

If you were his priority he’d treat you like one. He’d want to see you mid week and If he couldn’t see you he’d contact you. That’s what men in love do. Wild horses wouldn’t  stop them 
 

My sense is that he’s using you for weekend entertainment. Fun and frolics! And the amazing thing here is that you let him! All he’s got to do is throw  you some future faking and ... voila you stay within the boundaries of a relationship that HE wants you to be in. 
 

You’ll only get a “half relationship” from this guy. Nothing more. Time to accept that. 
 

 

 

[Watercolors]

I'm wondering if this is a long distance relationship too. 

I agree that his excuses for not contacting you OP are total nonsense. 

Time to be direct with him and ask him what he sees this 2 years with you as. And time to tell him what you feel. 

Marriage is not even a realistic option until you decide if this is how you want to be treated or if you want to end the relationship. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

My now husband was similar to this when we were dating, especially after the honeymoon stage ended. I did my venting about it online (including this forum), instead of nagging him, because I knew instinctively that no one likes to feel controlled. Now that we are together full time, I see first hand how half the time he has no idea where his phone is. Sometimes it gets left overnight in the car, in the bathroom, out on the back patio, etc...I've even had to help him find it a bunch. When he does come across his phone, he sees he's missed texts and calls from his dad, friends, etc... He is also the type to get utterly lost inside of a good book, game or movie for several hours. Your boyfriend may be just that kind of person who would lose his head, if it weren't screwed on.

That being said, I would pop up over his place with a small gift he would like. If he's in love with you, he should be pleasantly surprised to see you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT TURN INTO A NAG. This behavior screams insecurity and that you have no life, even if neither of these things are true. Come here to vent, as I did.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

What's even more weird is that a few of the same people who dismissed my concerns when I came here to vent about this, are now telling you this behavior is unacceptable.

[BaileyB]

No, you don’t want to nag the man but some kind of communication during the week seems a reasonable expectation to me - particularly after two years and if you are talking about marriage.

When I was dating my partner, we spent every other weekend together (because he had a child). We would generally see each other once or usually twice during the week. We would text at least once a day. Similar, in that he hated texting and would complain about having to keep his phone with him at all time (which he did anyway because of his child). But, he did it. We both had jobs, homes, he had a child, I had other activities and friendships... busy lives, and we still made time to stay in touch. 

[smackie9]

I wouldn't have put up with this for 2 weeks let alone 2 years. And hun, just because they talk about marriage doesn't mean it's a promise...it's just talk.

[Miss Spider]

Sorry but I don’t know where the problem is . this guy sounds like a dream to me. you know how hard it is to find a guy that doesn’t text you with inane BS throughout the week

Edited March 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[BluePink123]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it!

I live with my parents and sister and he lives with his dad, brother and sister in law in a duplex. 

We live about an hour away from each other. I work during the day and he works during the day and sometimes nights, he's schedule changes. There's a ton of traffic during the week so when he used to pick me up for weeknight dates he would have to spend hours in traffic. 

We really enjoy our weekends together, just amazing! I have met his dad, brother and sister in law and some of his co-workers and friends. He has met my family and extended family. During the quarantine we both weren't working and I would spend 4-5 days with him a week. 

I stay at his place because there's just no room at mine.

If I was busy on a weekend in the past we would meet in the city for a weeknight date. 

We feel so connected on weekends and I just never understood why there was no contact on the weekdays. I just love him and we're so happy together so I guess I've just accepted it. 

I'm okay not getting married right now. We have some things to figure out in our financial lives before that anyway. 

His excuses do annoy me because he isn't a doctor or has some really demanding job. His job may be stressful to him but I don't think being busy with work is a good excuse. 

I just sometimes feel if he really loved me he would want to communicate with me during the week. My friends and family just think it's weird and then it feels like it discounts my relationship with him. I just come home on cloud 9 on Sunday night and then I know I won't hear from him again until Friday night, I would love to hear from him but he's not going to change. 

I was just curious what others think is going on. 

He's such a great person and treats me so well when we're together. 

My one friend said if this is the only issue then I'm lucky. 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, BluePink123 said:

My one friend said if this is the only issue then I'm lucky. 

That’s not untrue. But, it would still bother me. 

With more context, considering that he is working shifts and you live in busy homes, it makes a little more sense... maybe. 

Still, even a good night text would make me feel better. That was the one thing I fought for, just a quick text at night to say “how was your day” and “good night, I love you.” 

But, if you love the guy and this is truly his one fault...