Throw28Away Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 She loves her family but also is fearful of conflict with her parents. So as much as she loves them, and is willing to do what they ask, she will go out of her way to ensure they are not angered. This "going out of her way" has entered our relationship. We started dating at 24, and now were 29. When we started dating and still to now she needs to ask to use her parents vehicle because she still has not got one yet due to focusing on school and not work. She has a curfew living at home, and she follows it very closely. She has never slept over at my house and any time she has been like 30 mins to an hour late her dad will blow up her phone, and yell at her for disobeying his house rules... despite her age. This has affected us because she has slept over maybe 5 times in the years together, but she has to lie and say she slept over at a friends house. She and I lived together for 3 years during college. She made me agree to never tell her parents that we lived together and so any time I speak to them about college I had to lie. She was paranoid and worried that they would disown her because she was living in sin (catholic) since we were not married. So for 3 years, anytime they came to visit I had to move all of my stuff out, and further continue to lie. One time her dad mentioned that I should lose weight because I look unhealthy. I shrugged it off, but what annoyed me more was that she didnt stand up for me since she was at dinner and heard that be said. Her siblings told him to cut it out and such but she didnt. She just apologized for her father and said "thats how he is." She and I have sex, and she is very worried they will find out, not just like caught in the action find out, but even birth control wise. Her sister was on birth control for period pains and her mom found out and forced her to get off of it. So in the years together she and I do NO form of PDA in front of her parents. She got a tattoo and has to wear make up to hide it for fear her parents will yell at her. Finally, this has been a huge mental struggle of mine. I have been in therapy because of this. But she got an abortion, our contraception failed. Her fears of her parents finding out came up and she felt depressed, numb, and even suicidal. She didnt want them to find out about being pregnant out of marriage, and so she went ahead with it. She was very much against the idea but her fear of her parents outweighed her wants. Further and sadly, she blamed me for her abortion months later. I talked with my therapist and they mentioned how she is projecting her wishes to keep our baby and since we weren't married, she blames me, despite her clear reasons being her parents. I understand the red flags here. I do. But I want to understand what is going on with her. I wish she didnt have so much paranoia and didnt let her parents affect her decisions so much. She doesn't see how unhealthy her fear of her parents is, I brought it up once around when we had an abortion and she almost left me because it was as if she couldn't face the truth. What is going on here? Please reddit, help me understand...
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, Throw28Away said: Please reddit, help me understand... This isn't Reddit
Sun Seeker Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: This isn't Reddit Guess he posted it on there and copy pasted here as well... Anyway there's a really simple solution to all of this. Why doesn't she start living her own life? Rent her own place or together with you? Then she will have no rules to follow.
Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) What is going on with her is a life time of being brainwashed, manipulated and controlled by extreme religious parents. She is 29, she can't undo the hold they have on her so don't even try to make her see reasons, the fear they put in her is greater than anything. You breakup or you marry her. Edited March 25, 2021 by Gaeta
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I doubt this hold her parents have on her will ever go away until she realizes how harmful it is to her. First step to that might be losing you because of it. I know that leaves you out in the cold. I'm sorry. But, her parents are super controlling. That's who they are, how they are, and how they're going to stay. Until it begins to bother her, any guy who has a R with her is stuck with her parents' controlling ways, too.
spiderowl Posted March 28, 2021 Posted March 28, 2021 She is still dependent on her parents and in fear of them. As long as you hang around for her, she will not see any need to change her current status. It's just hurting you.
dramafreezone Posted March 28, 2021 Posted March 28, 2021 (edited) Case of arrested development. She allows herself to be treated like a 15 year old even though she's almost twice that age. What's so good about her that you're willing to date a child in an adult's body? Let me guess, she's pretty? And why the hell does she need to stand up for you when the dad insults you? She has a curfew and she's 29 years old. She's never stood up for anything in her life. You need to be a man and tell him that you're not to be disrespected, and if he continues to do so we're going to have a problem. Edited March 28, 2021 by dramafreezone
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2021 Posted March 28, 2021 (edited) What is going on? This is one of those cases where the person says I got horse manure falling on my head, I can't breathe. "What is going on?" Excuse you just named precisely what is going on. You're dating someone who is not an adult in the way you want to be an adult. She's still acting like a three-year-old with her parents. Time to end this thing. Right now. This will only end badly for you. It's already ended badly. What is going on is that you made the young person's mistake of getting involved with someone who has a kid-like relationship with her parents. You made the mistake of going deeper with someone who can't talk about you with family. Which is a problem because family means everything to her. Stop making the same mistake. Get out. This will never work. In therapy the focus would be why you're putting up with this nonsense. Are you getting to that issue in therapy? And of course the real goal (the therapist won't announce this) is for you to have the blinders removed about the cost of dating this person. The costs are astronomical. Edited March 28, 2021 by Lotsgoingon
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