Ruserious Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 Hi everyone. I’m in need of feedback to the thread topic. I try checking myself every now and then if I’m upset with someone (in this case my boyfriend) to avoid being too judgmental and to make sure that the issue/incident warrants my response, e.g. pull away or breakup... I’m at the point where I feel like a breakup may be necessary. But then again, I’m the type of person who leaves a relationship more often than not, before working through things. Thanks in advance !
Alpacalia Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 I was dating someone (exclusively on my end). Inferring that you're kissing other men when you come down with the flu. That's rich. Insecure or projection? I'll never know. Care to provide an example?
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 30 minutes ago, Ruserious said: I’m at the point where I feel like a breakup may be necessary. Then do so. If you are thinking about it this much, it may warrant breaking up. Reflect if it's a bad argument or a more pervasive pattern of controlling behaviors, possessive behaviors, untrustworthiness, etc.
Miss Spider Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) It manifests in so many different ways it would take a long time to write. You’re better off giving examples of your particular situation and people can give their opinion of his behavior. If you’re not into the relationship, leave. You’re not obligated to work things out with someone. Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
Author Ruserious Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) Thanks for the response. Yep, that’s one example @Alpaca. Some of my direct examples are: •Accusing me of being “up to something “ when not at work. (We have different schedules) •likes being on the phone for long time even when we’ve exhausted conversation or while he’s working and I’m off... I will never understand that. • seems to be grumpy for no reason only to find out later that it’s often related to something he wasn’t comfortable or confident enough to talk about. #1 •his mom told me that he gets sooo jealous... and mad when he see’s me talking to a male. **we are exclusive. Just got engaged actually. Things got better but his baseline behavior seems to obviously show ,clearly. ***i think his height may contribute to his overall disposition. Not an excuse just more of a reason to myself to see things for how they actually are.... exhausting more and more... Edited March 25, 2021 by Ruserious 1
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 You can't marry this guy with the present state of your relationship. He sounds clingy & that he doesn't trust you. If you are thinking about a break up why did you accept his proposal? 1
basil67 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 9 minutes ago, Ruserious said: •Accusing me of being “up to something “ when not at work. (We have different schedules) Straight off the bat, this should be a deal breaker for you. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 27 minutes ago, Ruserious said: •Accusing me of being “up to something “ when not at work. •likes being on the phone for long time even when we’ve exhausted • seems to be grumpy for no reason •his mom told me that he gets sooo jealous.. This is not insecurities, it's controlling behavior. Yes, end it. 1 1
Alpacalia Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 2 hours ago, Ruserious said: Thanks for the response. Yep, that’s one example @Alpaca. Some of my direct examples are: •Accusing me of being “up to something “ when not at work. (We have different schedules) •likes being on the phone for long time even when we’ve exhausted conversation or while he’s working and I’m off... I will never understand that. • seems to be grumpy for no reason only to find out later that it’s often related to something he wasn’t comfortable or confident enough to talk about. #1 •his mom told me that he gets sooo jealous... and mad when he see’s me talking to a male. **we are exclusive. Just got engaged actually. Things got better but his baseline behavior seems to obviously show ,clearly. ***i think his height may contribute to his overall disposition. Not an excuse just more of a reason to myself to see things for how they actually are.... exhausting more and more... Welcome. He's either controlling, like mentioned in this thread, or he's up to no good. Either aren't good. It's odd that you posted this thread because I was thinking about this exact subject last night for some reason. What do you think that you're going to do? I'm sure it's not easy to back out of an engagement. 1
dramafreezone Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) On 3/25/2021 at 1:45 PM, Ruserious said: Thanks for the response. Yep, that’s one example @Alpaca. Some of my direct examples are: •Accusing me of being “up to something “ when not at work. (We have different schedules) •likes being on the phone for long time even when we’ve exhausted conversation or while he’s working and I’m off... I will never understand that. • seems to be grumpy for no reason only to find out later that it’s often related to something he wasn’t comfortable or confident enough to talk about. #1 •his mom told me that he gets sooo jealous... and mad when he see’s me talking to a male. **we are exclusive. Just got engaged actually. Things got better but his baseline behavior seems to obviously show ,clearly. ***i think his height may contribute to his overall disposition. Not an excuse just more of a reason to myself to see things for how they actually are.... exhausting more and more... .....what's so good about this guy? Of course he's insecure. Jealousy is a complex emotion. One part is the fear in his mind that you'll figure out that you can do better than him, the other part is the resentment from being put in that mindset. If you can imagine your dream car, I don't know what that would be, a Maserati or Lambourghini. If someone gifted you a brand new dream car, how would you treat it? Would you be checking on it a lot more often than you do that used Honda that you have? You'd go outside several times a day just to look at it. You know it's far above what you normally have, so you're going to be fearful of something happening to it. If some people came around to look at it you'd get nervous. You're his Lambourghini, you're out of his league, not because you're this amazing person (I'm sure you're nice) because he seems himself as crap. Controlling behavior is due to a deep seeded fear of the controller not being good enough, and believing that left to your own devices you would figure out he's not good enough and leave him. He needs a shrink more than anything else. Why are you engaged to him? Whatever you see now will only get worse. Edited March 27, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
poppyfields Posted March 27, 2021 Posted March 27, 2021 On 3/25/2021 at 2:14 PM, Wiseman2 said: This is not insecurities, it's controlling behavior. Yes, end it. That is where the need to control stems from - insecurity.
heavenonearth Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 On 3/27/2021 at 5:08 PM, dramafreezone said: If you can imagine your dream car, I don't know what that would be, a Maserati or Lambourghini. If someone gifted you a brand new dream car, how would you treat it? Would you be checking on it a lot more often than you do that used Honda that you have? You'd go outside several times a day just to look at it. You know it's far above what you normally have, so you're going to be fearful of something happening to it. If some people came around to look at it you'd get nervous. You're his Lambourghini, Let's not compare women to cars.... that's problematic. That being said, controlling behavior comes from some sort of insecurity within him. Obviously this has nothing to do with you, OP, but with him entirely. If he wants to be with you, he needs to work on his insecurities. Thankfully this can be done with lots of self-reflection, reason and therapy. Have you tried to discuss with him if he realizes in the first place that this is an anxiety of his that he himself needs to work on? That is the first step. If he does not see that HE is the problem, then end it. IF he realizes that this is his issue to work on, and you really do love him, then support him through working on himself. I feel we sometimes give up on people too quickly. People who want to change bc they realize they're doing something wrong, I feel they deserve a chance. People who do not want to change and just see fault in others -- drop them. They are not worth your time.
Miss Peach Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 I married someone like that. It only got worse after we married. I was young and assumed I could prove some sort of reassurance to him somehow. I now know that would never work. I would think VERY carefully whether you could live the rest of your life with things exactly like they are now in the jealousy department. It was a large part of my divorce decision. Other areas of insecurity and disrespect were there too. I just didn't see it at the time.
poppyfields Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 (edited) On 3/27/2021 at 9:08 AM, dramafreezone said: Of course he's insecure. Jealousy is a complex emotion. One part is the fear in his mind that you'll figure out that you can do better than him, the other part is the resentment from being put in that mindset. Wow that is some good insight. I have read this AND experienced it in my own relationships. My last ex (not my recent ex) was extremely jealous and he would often get angry at me because of what HE was "imagining" I was doing, not what I was actually doing! One time, when we first began dating, he didn't speak to me for two days because, when I didn't answer my phone one evening, he "imagined" I was on another date, when in reality I was with my mom!! I often felt I couldn't even share with him what I did or where I went with girlfriends, because right away he would start "imagining" other men were there, flirting etc, and he'd get pissy about it and "punish" me. Yeah he felt quite a bit of resentment towards me, blaming me for putting him in the mindset to be jealous. He very rarely (if ever) took responsibility for his own hang ups. So in retrospect I really did tolerate a lot of crap. And having read a lot about, I do think he suffered from NPD (on some level of the spectrum), although cannot be 100% sure of course, but fairly certain he did. Edited March 29, 2021 by poppyfields 2
dramafreezone Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, heavenonearth said: Let's not compare women to cars.... that's problematic. That being said, controlling behavior comes from some sort of insecurity within him. Obviously this has nothing to do with you, OP, but with him entirely. If he wants to be with you, he needs to work on his insecurities. Thankfully this can be done with lots of self-reflection, reason and therapy. Have you tried to discuss with him if he realizes in the first place that this is an anxiety of his that he himself needs to work on? That is the first step. If he does not see that HE is the problem, then end it. IF he realizes that this is his issue to work on, and you really do love him, then support him through working on himself. I feel we sometimes give up on people too quickly. People who want to change bc they realize they're doing something wrong, I feel they deserve a chance. People who do not want to change and just see fault in others -- drop them. They are not worth your time. I actually think it's appropriate here. Someone that's jealous and controlling doesn't see the other person as a person, they see them as a possession. Edited March 29, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
poppyfields Posted March 29, 2021 Posted March 29, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I actually think it's appropriate here. Someone that's jealous and controlling doesn't see the other person as a person, they see them as a possession. I agree with this too. Thinking back to my last ex, and also having grown a lot since my relationship with him ended, I think he did see me as more of a possession than a human being, a woman to love and respect. Edited March 29, 2021 by poppyfields 1
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