Girlfriend wants a night to herself, should I be concerned or is this normal?

[Cristoforo]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We usually spend 3-4 nights a week together. The nights she don’t hang out she has her two kids she shares custody of with her ex husband, so she really never gets much time to herself.

We were supposed to get together tonight but she asked me if we could do that tomorrow instead because she thinks she needs a night to herself. I’m kind of upset because I always want to see her but I want to be supportive of her needs. I trust her, but should I be concerned that all of a sudden she wants a night to herself? Or is it normal for people in relationships to want to have “me” time away from their significant other?

Edited March 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for Continuity in Current Thread

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the same woman from your previous thread,, I gather?

Did you ever resolve those issues? You might be feeling triggered here because of that, if it was never really sorted. You most definitely did not trust her at all then. 

Personally, I think you're over-reacting. Yes, it's normal for people in relationships to want some time to themselves - espeically if she never otherwise has a night on her own. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Changed Back for Continuity in Current Thread

[Cristoforo]

On 3/24/2021 at 1:49 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is the same woman from your previous thread,, I gather?

Did you ever resolve those issues? You might be feeling triggered here because of that, if it was never really sorted. You most definitely did not trust her at all then. 

Personally, I think you're over-reacting. Yes, it's normal for people in relationships to want some time to themselves - espeically if she never otherwise has a night on her own. 

Yeah it’s the same person. Those issues haven’t really been fully resolved, so that’s probably why I’m concerned about this. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for Continuity in Current Thread

[Lotsgoingon]

She has never asked for a day alone before this? Dude, if she hasn't taken time off for a day alone (or an unplanned day alone) THEN I would say you guys have some serious problems. 

So the only problem I see here is that she hasn't done this before--which means you guys are not giving each other enough room and space.

[BaileyB]

Yes,it’s entirely normal for people to want a night to themselves, a little time alone. 

That said, if you think she is unfaithful... you have much more serious issues. The fact that she “needs a night alone” isn’t really your question, is it?

Edited March 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

And this is the woman who sent the sexy photos?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/24/2021 at 2:03 PM, Cristoforo said:

Yeah it’s the same person. I actually was going to post again on that thread. Those  issues haven’t really been fully resolved, so that’s probably why I’m concerned about this. 

Bingo. 

You will not have peace in this relationship until past issues have been managed appropriately. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for Continuity in Current Thread

[Cristoforo]

15 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And this is the woman who sent the sexy photos?

No, she didn’t send sexy photos. You might be mistaking me for someone else. 

[smackie9]

Alone time is awesome and it's healthy. Let her have it.

Remember over time people's needs change.

Edited March 24, 2021 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

This is part of why I like being single. You spend THREE to FOUR days a week together for a THREE YEARS and she asks for one night to chill by herself and people are saying there’s got to be a problem. & people really do sincerely believe that. Say goodbye to your actual freedom in rships 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[heavenonearth]

YES this is normal and i am concerned she has not done this before in the last 3 years, and i also am concerned you dont feel like you need "me"-time every now and then. we are still individuals outside of our relationships. anything else would be co-dependency. 

[trident_2020]

It's so odd that you would even think twice about such a reasonable request.

You need to develop a life outside of her and the relationship.

The clingyness will be your undoing.

 

[Gaeta]

In August you posted you had been dating for 3 years.

We are now almost 8 months later and it's still 3 years ?

Question: Why after 3 years you have not been introduced to her children? Are you seriously dating or it's just casual?

[Cristoforo]

50 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In August you posted you had been dating for 3 years.

We are now almost 8 months later and it's still 3 years ?

Question: Why after 3 years you have not been introduced to her children? Are you seriously dating or it's just casual?

So it’s 3.5 years this April. That’s why I said over 3 years in my first post. It was officially three years in October of 2020 but in August I just rounded up to 3 years. I have been introduced to her children we just don’t spend time together with me and her kids. Her one kid just turned 17 and he’s really not the biggest fan of mine, which I understand. These kids are still upset about their parents separation, I’m I am not trying to make it worse.

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cristoforo

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I trust her, but should I be concerned that all of a sudden she wants a night to herself? 

She's not allowed to be tired or stressed or have cramps or whatever? Don't cling or suffocate. It pushes people away.

[dramafreezone]

The question really is why dont you want the same type of time to yourself?  Don't you have hobbies and friends?

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

Her one kid just turned 17 and he’s really not the biggest fan of mine, which I understand. These kids are still upset about their parents separation, I’m I am not trying to make it worse.

You say she has 1 son of 17 than you say 'these kids'? 

17 years old boys that I know don't stay home with mom. They run around with their friends or stay in their room playing games. She has been divorced for more than 3 years, if the son has a problem with his parents divorcing they have therapy available at school for that. Did you start seeing her before they got divorce? Are you much younger than her? Is this relationship going anywhere?

So, out of 7 days: 

3 with you

4 with the 17 yo son

Now she wants a night to herself and she will cut it in your time which will bring it down to 2 nights a week @ 3 + years dating. I am seeing a relationship going nowhere. 

 

[Cristoforo]

I see my threads got merged. Is there anyway the title can be edited back to the original? I wanted to post on the original thread from August about the current state of those issues, but now the title suggests it’s just about her wanting a night to herself. The original thread was about other major issues.

[poppyfields]

On 3/24/2021 at 10:09 AM, Cookiesandough said:

This is part of why I like being single. You spend THREE to FOUR days a week together for a THREE YEARS and she asks for one night to chill by herself and people are saying there’s got to be a problem. & people really do sincerely believe that. Say goodbye to your actual freedom in rships 

I agree with you cookies.  I like being single too; since I ended my RL, I feel so much lighter and more free to just be ME, and do my own thing without having to answer to anyone.

To the OP, to answer your question, time away from my partner is a requirement for me, and a dealbreaker if a boyfriend took issue with it or because he questioned it.

That said, I can understand why you might be a little concerned given in the three years you've been together, suddenly she needs a night off.   To avoid that, you should have both been taking your "space" from the beginning.

Perhaps she feels a bit stifled and suffocated and attempting to change the dynamic.  

Either chill or talk to her.  Sorry, I realize not very helpful, but those are your only alternatives at this point, imo.

Edited March 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

42 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with you cookies.  I like being single too; since I ended my RL, I feel so much lighter and more free to just be ME, and do my own thing without having to answer to anyone.

To the OP, to answer your question, time away from my partner is a requirement for me, and a dealbreaker if a boyfriend took issue with it or because he questioned it.

That said, I can understand why you might be a little concerned given in the three years you've been together, suddenly she needs a night off.   To avoid that, you should have both been taking your "space" from the beginning.

Perhaps she feels a bit stifled and suffocated and attempting to change the dynamic.  

Either chill or talk to her.  Sorry, I realize not very helpful, but those are your only alternatives at this point, imo.

I’m not single at the moment, but I told my bf I need a break for a bit because I feel like he’s a lot like OP. I think a lot of people are like OP. In relationships, a standard gets set. It can be a little bit of time or a lot of time but there is a consistency and if you do anything to break that then the other person suspects something is wrong and their defenses go up. I suppose maybe something is a little wrong a lot of times, but not always. It can just be the person wanting to be alone again for a little bit of time. But for me, when I ask for a day off I feel a bit smothered and I start wistfully thinking of the days I could sit at the park with my dog and loveshack on my phone alone. Not having to talk to anyone else or be talked to. I could go eat wherever I want that day  without having to consider what the other person wants too. Little things like that. And bigger things too 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

It's normal to want time to ourselves. 

In OP's case his time with her was already limited. Now it will be cut back to 2 nights maybe 3 per week at 3 years dating. 

Also there is no attempt from OP's gf to fix the situation with her 17 yo son. I'd understand 6 months after their divorce the teen has issues with their divorce but 3+ years later? At this point I'd start thinking it's an excuse from GF to not escalate this relationship. Now with this *time by myself*  she's not escalating it, she's regressing the relationship. 

[Cristoforo]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's normal to want time to ourselves. 

In OP's case his time with her was already limited. Now it will be cut back to 2 nights maybe 3 per week at 3 years dating. 

Also there is no attempt from OP's gf to fix the situation with her 17 yo son. I'd understand 6 months after their divorce the teen has issues with their divorce but 3+ years later? At this point I'd start thinking it's an excuse from GF to not escalate this relationship. Now with this *time by myself*  she's not escalating it, she's regressing the relationship. 

I think you misunderstand. I never said she said the night to herself was going to be a weekly thing. This is a one time occurrence. She didn’t say anything about having this night to herself on a weekly basis. Also, just because we have been together over 3 years, we are supposed to spend all of our time together? What’s normal in your eyes? Should we be spending 7 days a week together?

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

I think you misunderstand. I never said she said the night to herself was going to be a weekly thing. This is a one time occurrence. She didn’t say anything about having this night to herself on a weekly basis. Also, just because we have been together over 3 years, we are supposed to spend all of our time together? What’s normal in your eyes? Should we be spending 7 days a week together?

Yes then I misunderstood, I thought she wanted to cut your time once a week to have 'me time'. If it's once in a while why do you worry?

No, I don't think you should spend 7 nights a week together.

[Crazelnut]

Gawd, let the woman breathe.

On another tangent, you need to sort out all the other issues in this relationship.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Cristoforo said:

I think you misunderstand. I never said she said the night to herself was going to be a weekly thing. This is a one time occurrence. She didn’t say anything about having this night to herself on a weekly basis. Also, just because we have been together over 3 years, we are supposed to spend all of our time together? What’s normal in your eyes? Should we be spending 7 days a week together?

I mean... many couples are married after 3 years, so yea, spending 7 days a week together p much. It’s not unusual at all. Whatever is normal is usually set by the people in the relationship. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough