BJP1991 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) Hi Everyone, Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me. I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us. I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere. What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”... This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship. She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit. The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice. Has anyone ever reconciled things with a former partner who cheated and it actually was a positive thing? Otherwise, can I get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? Thank you all so much. I know right now it’s the hardest (being still less than 1 month since I found all of this out). Edited March 25, 2021 by BJP1991
Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 I know 2 couples that faced cheating in their relationship in their 20s and are still together 30 years later. They went to couples therapy, worked on why the cheating occurred and fixed it. That being said, those 2 couples it was the man that cheated. Men have a much harder time getting over a gf/wife cheating. Also, those 2 couples I know had been together for 5 years. They had something to go back to. In your case we're talking 1 year. Your relationship had barely took of the ground. I don't think it's worth saving. Your relationship was 1 year and it takes about 5 years to be completely healed from cheating. See how it's not worth it? 3
Alpacalia Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 It is completely subjective whether or not a bond is strong enough to withstand cheating. Regaining trust in her and yourself will require time and sacrifice, none of which will be simple. Is the life you've built together worth the risk of her cheating again? In which case, your already shattered self-esteem and self-confidence can suffer more damage? There will almost certainly be an immense well of fear and pain present for you if she communicates with members of the opposite sex, even if only platonically. Do you think you'll be able to handle it? 4
Marc878 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) Words are meaningless. Actions are what count. She never though she’d get caught. Right now like most she’s in the “sorry she got caught mode”. Upfront they will promise you the moon. Infidelity is the gift that lasts forever. The big problem is the capability is there. She could do this again. Dating is a tryout. She failed. Only dating a year and this should have been the last thing on her mind. Repeats happen. You are in love with who you thought she was and it takes awhile for your heart to catch up to your brain. I’d her go. Im sure she wants to talk and tell you all her excuses. There are no excuses for this behavior and it is a part of who she is. There’s nothing to talk about. Be thankful you weren’t married with kids in the mix. Edited March 25, 2021 by Marc878 2
Ami1uwant Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 I’m assuming you guys are mid 20s or younger you get peop,e cheat for stupid reasons. You will need to decide to forgive her or not. important— how did you find out? Did you catch or walk in on her is different than if she confessed to you. generally cheating isn’t the problem but a byproduct of other problems. The times it’s the act itself is in situations like Random nsa event, situations like you describe seeing an old partner and their were other factors in the relationship that ended it, and Thrn there is revenge.
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 You may think you love her but your head has to make this decision not your heart. She is not trustworthy. You know she cheated. You know she lied. You will be out of your mind with worry the next time she travels if you are foolish enough to take her back. Cheaters cheat & lie. That is what they do. While you may love her, she didn't love you enough to stay faithful. 2
cleverusername Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 Cheaters are thief's who stole your emotions and trust..... I hate thief's. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 41 minutes ago, BJP1991 said: Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. . Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. l of this out). Sorry this happened. good you took action. As far as forgiving/forgetting, reflect if you want to worry/be looking over your shoulder as far as her honesty or integrity. 1
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) This is all up to you. BUT if you find yourself wanting and actually punishing her for what she did, then don't bother. It's not fair to anyone if the hate is still there. Edited March 25, 2021 by smackie9
Calmandfocused Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 Cheating is Gross misconduct. A serious violation and breach of a monogamous relationship between two people. Unforgivable in my opinion! Bottom line, she is a cheater and cannot be trusted. You cannot trust a single word that comes out of her mouth. Don’t settle for that. I accept what Gaeta is saying but I’ve never personally witnessed a relationship recover from cheating. They’ve all split up eventually. The trust was destroyed, never to return. You’re hurting and I get that. The pain is unbearable! However deep down in your heart you need to find and feel some appreciation and thanks. Appreciation that she’s shown you who she is before your relationship got more serious. You’re free now to heal, recover and find someone else eventually who shares your moral compass.
Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) You know I like my statistics. 50% of couples will take back a cheating partner. Out of that 50% only 5% will make it long term. Edited March 25, 2021 by Gaeta 2 1
Versacehottie Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 Sorry this happened to you. Some people are just attention seekers like that so ripe for cheating IMO. I think someday if you stick with the breakup you will be glad that you didn't bet your future on her. Sounds like you have a good life, so keep focused on that. I'm sure you will find someone better--your heart just isn't open for it yet--it will be, it's just too soon and you're still dealing with the breakup feelings. Hang in there, good luck 1
notbroken Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 She's not good for you long term. You will never be able to completely trust her. BTDT. Not worth it. Invest your time and energy in someone that hasn't proven they are quite capable of cheating on you. As hard as it is, go no contact. Do NOT go back with her. Seriously. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 Sorry for the pain here. Something caught my attention ... being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship. Whenever I felt this way, it meant I was working too hard in the relationship, which mean there was an imbalance in the relationship, that I felt I was giving more than I was receiving. Really you have a right to be angry without "being the best boyfriend I could be." So what's up with that wording? Now, time to get real. Get really real. This is when you have to grow the eff up. Are you saying you saw NO signs of this side of her? None? Are you saying in her history there was no suggestion whatever that she was still attracted to this guy? That she got with a guy she used to be "on and off with" tells me you did get a hint of this possibility. I'm not blaming you, just challenging you to get ruthlessly honest (now is not the time for niceties or illusions or evasions) about who you are dating. You need to nail that down before you can begin to think of forgiving her. 2
ms.stressed Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I was cheated on for 13 years. They don't change. If they cheat on you, they don't love you and they'll cheat again. Trust your gut. You kind of already know. I don't take back a cheater, a liar, maybe, but not a cheater. This person has to think you are the most amazing woman ever and love everything about you. If I got the man I wanted, nothing would take me from him! Nothing! I would be like no, I got my man!! 1
dramafreezone Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, BJP1991 said: Has anyone ever reconciled things with a former partner who cheated and it actually was a positive thing? Otherwise, can I get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? Thank you all so much. I know right now it’s the hardest (being still less than 1 month since I found all of this out). Well, if you want to date her as a casual type of deal, sure. But it doesn't sound like you would be ok with that. As far as a serious relationship, she has permanetly disqualified herself, period. She cannot be trusted. If you don't have trust you have nothing. Also, you have to remember, when she's heads over heels in love you she can't think about another guy. This woman just doesn't have that high of an attaction to you, so why would you want to be with someone that doesn't see you like that? Even if you could be assured that she wouldn't cheat again, you want someone that feels passionately about you. Edited March 26, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I don't know much about forgiveness of affairs in non-marriage relationships. I know more about recovering from affairs in marriages. One, some couples do not recover. The affair basically ends the relationship, sometimes immediately, sometimes after a little period of denial or a lame attempt at pretending it didn't happen. At the same times, a significant number of marriages do recover from affairs. The catch is--and her I have to correct my previous language--these couples don't really "recover." Instead, they have to build a new relationship. Almost like from scratch. And yes, a lot of the time (this surprised me when I first learned this and I actually didn't believe it but now I do) that new relationship can actually be better than the previous relationship they had pre-affair. But ... I'm jumping ahead. The betrayed partner (you in this case) typically goes through hell, emotional hell. Some marriage counselors describe the emotional impact of betrayal as being similar in some ways to PTSD. The betrayed partner's sense of order, sense of the world, sense of the person they gave their heart to, is shattered, knocked on its side. Typically the betrayed partner has to ask a ton of questions, and angry questions. The cheating partner needs to answer those questions. The betrayed partner stays angry and hurt for a significant period of time. BTW: the cheating partner has to come clean with everything! One warning I heard some marriage counselors issue is that the couple should stay away from the specifics of the sex act in the affair. Stay away from asking about sexual positions for example. But locations yes. Times and days yes. Lies that covered the cheating, yes. The betrayed partner needs to ask about all of that. What basically has to happens is that the betrayed person has to now build up a new understanding of the world, but to do that they first need to know all the details of the previously hidden affair world. Oh, that day you said you had to work late, you went with her? Oh, while I was babysitting, you were meeting her at a hotel? Eventually the betrayed partner basically installs new software about the life of their partner. But this takes time. In marriage, the betrayed partner's anger could last a year or more. This is not something one quickly moves past. In some ways your situation is harder because you guys aren't married. You may be tempted to forgive too easily and that is actually not good. The cheater needs to feel some fear and some real accountability and some real guilt. If you don't really let loose your fury, I sense that the cheater will feel like, "I got away with it." And they are likely to repeat that behavior. And that's what I'm a little concerned about with you, OP. I fear you're gonna forgive too quickly. Just some thoughts that you asked for.
Maldives Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 10 hours ago, Gaeta said: I know 2 couples that faced cheating in their relationship in their 20s and are still together 30 years later. They went to couples therapy, worked on why the cheating occurred and fixed it. That being said, those 2 couples it was the man that cheated. Men have a much harder time getting over a gf/wife cheating. Also, those 2 couples I know had been together for 5 years. They had something to go back to. In your case we're talking 1 year. Your relationship had barely took of the ground. I don't think it's worth saving. Your relationship was 1 year and it takes about 5 years to be completely healed from cheating. See how it's not worth it? No never reconciles it's irreversible the damage done and yes same thing happened to me mine was worse she cheated with a close friend who's no friend anymore. I tried to reconcile with her but my advice is don't do this because with me she did it again lol. As hard as it is if you go back and try you will never ever be able to trust her ever it's a real deal breaker. You will always have doubt lingering in the back of your mind. 1
Beachead Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Hey BJP1991, I'm sorry you had to experience this. 11 hours ago, BJP1991 said: She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us. There is nothing she can do because she put you in a position where you will have difficulties trusting her again. Relationships require trust and respect..both of which she threw out the window. Everytime she's not around you, you'll wonder if she's where she says she is. Everytime you see her on her phone, you'll wonder whether it's one of the girls or the next guy she'll cheat on you with. Could you believe anything she says here after? She did lied about this. Who's to say she won't doing it again the next time and learn to be better at it. 11 hours ago, BJP1991 said: This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship. Trust the actions, not the words. She cheated on you because she wasn't committed. She wasn't committed because she wasn't satisfied with everything that you two built together, up to this point. She laid all of it on the table and decided, "Meh, I'll risk it" ..basically forcing you into a position where you have no choice but to end it, because staying would mean disrespecting yourself. I describe it harshly because it is harsh. You trusted her with your heart, and she showed just how irresponsible she was. You ultimately decide what you want to do, but if I were you, I'd consider this done. - Beach Edited March 26, 2021 by Beachead 2
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 Yeah agreed with the above^^^ I would say to you, OP, is do you want to become "that" guy? Like does it fit into your persona to be a person who is wary of everything, has little self-esteem and trust, who is perhaps hypersensitive and controlling? I don't get that impression from you now. But I think if you go back into a relationship with her (or anyone that cheats on you), you give away part of who you are because most often people become this negative traits in a bid to hold onto the relationship. It's a horrible tradeoff, ie you get a cheating, known liar in exchange for handing off the better parts of your character for less attractive character/personality traits...all to "keep" a person whose track record isn't good and there is a high chance they will do it again. Or use you up and leave you bitter and changed for quite a while if not for good.. Definitely I would encourage you to move on. I think especially for guys that stay in situations like this and will do almost anything to keep the girl (which usually fails anyway in the long run), it changes you forever. Right now you can be the guy who cut it off with a wandering girlfriend (which should bolster you), but if you stay in it, it will chip away at all the masculine things you are--causing great damage to you as well usually in future relationships with the way other women perceive you.
Recommended Posts