Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I have two great guys who both love me are commited to me, but want me to make a decision....soon. They both have great qualities in different areas. "Pat" is very spiritual, loving, the same age as me, adores my kiddos. He's a great guy and we're living together. He considers us engaged. My other guy "Dave" lives thousands of miles away, we've been friends/lovers for over a year while he was seperated from his wife and I from my husband. He is 13 years older than me, has a house, great neighborhood. My life would be very comfortable with Dave, financially and space wise. He's offered my kids and I a home, plus he lives close to my childrens grandma (on thier dads side), which is a plus for them. After my divorce was finalized I had to move out of my home and was considering moving close to or in w/Dave. But I was very hesitant because Dave's divorce wasnt finalized yet. I was afraid my presence would make his divorce much more dificult and I didn't want to be in the middle of all his divorce drama. I had met Pat just a few months before I was to move, we hit it off and we moved in together. A big draw to Pat is that he's a clean slate. No divorce drama, no step-kids, no ex-wife. Shortly after moving in w/Pat, Dave's divorce went through and he still wants me to come be with him after all thats happened. He calls everyday asking me to reconsider and come spend my life with him. Pat wants me to "cut" it with Dave and fully commit to him. I love them both, I wish I could just keep each of them and not have to choose. Any insights, suggestions?
d'Arthez Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Stick with Pat. He has great qualities, can handle the kids and you, does not have major issues, and makes you happy. And your kids! You cannot risk the emotional well-being of your kids lightly. You met Dave under different, more grim, circumstances. Your perception of him will be highly influenced by the events that happened at that time. While with Dave you have a lot of uncertainties. Could you live together? The stepkids, and all the drama associated with that. A lot of doubts.
Gold Pile Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 You cared about Dave 1st, he offers you and your kids a brighter future. If Pat (who lives with you now)was really really great you wouldn't consider someone else, you'd be hooked.
amber245 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Which one do you trust the most? If you were trapped in a burning building which one would risk death to save you? If you suddenly couldn't walk ever again which one would be the most likely to stay with you?
Author Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 Which one do you trust the most? If you were trapped in a burning building which one would risk death to save you? If you suddenly couldn't walk ever again which one would be the most likely to stay with you? ....would stay with me. I guess a big difference between the two is location and finance. Dave is much more financially stable than Pat. Dave is also older and has had more time to build his career. With Pat I am barely meeting me and my kids financial needs. I pay half of the rent with Pat and since we live in a very expensive city its quite a bit of money. So the stress with Pat is financial. He tells me to hang in for a few years and then we'll be set after he goes through law school. I'm sure he's right, but years. I don't know if my sanity will last that long.
amber245 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Who do you love the most? You must know. If neither of them had any money or job and you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island with just one who would it be?
Author Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 "You met Dave under different, more grim, circumstances. Your perception of him will be highly influenced by the events that happened at that time. While with Dave you have a lot of uncertainties. Could you live together? The stepkids, and all the drama associated with that. A lot of doubts. This is true, there are alot more dramatic factors with Dave. We've been together off and on and spent 5 weeks together a while ago. We had a great time. But since his divorce was not final I felt I couldnt bring our relationship to a higher level. But now that opportunity is there, but I'm with someone else. I'm happy with Pat but very stressed over finances and still living in the same area where all the drama in my marriage happened. I really wanted to leave this area, start new. But thats when I met Pat and decided to stay. Luckily Pat is away on business for 9 days, so I have time to think and reevaluate our relationship and why we're together. Thanks for all your imput, it helps me organize my thoughts
TnT Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Is this all about money? I mean i know its stressful to think about finances and how it can be hard on a relationship, but shouldnt it be about the love u have for ur partner? If there is plenty of love with either one of these men, i dont think the final decision would come down to the money.
d'Arthez Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 The thing is Dave is 1000 miles away. That is not a day-trip. Especially for your children. Would you decide to pursue anything with Dave, that means uprooting the children again. With no certainty of things working out. You must consider the consequences it has on your children and his children. Even if things with Dave would work out (and considering the drama, the drama and more drama he has been through that is no certainty), it means altering the situation for the kids again. Leaving behind their friends, getting stepbrothers and sisters. Which is also a big strain on kids, probably moreso than the financial problems you experience now with Pat.
hooghie Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I think Dave. He has been in the back of your mind for a long time. If you end up choosing Pat, you will alwasy wonder about Dave as the two of you have never had an opportunity. If your mind saw Pat as better or if you were more in love with Pat, Dave would have faded from your heart and mind. This hasn't happened. I guess a big difference between the two is location and finance. Dave is much more financially stable than Pat. Dave is also older and has had more time to build his career. With Pat I am barely meeting me and my kids financial needs. I pay half of the rent with Pat and since we live in a very expensive city its quite a bit of money. So the stress with Pat is financial. He tells me to hang in for a few years and then we'll be set after he goes through law school. I'm sure he's right, but years. I don't know if my sanity will last that long. I don't know if he's just beginning law school or almost finished, but law school is EXTREMELY stressful and a HUGE financial burden. It is very time consuming and will require lots of sacrifice from you- specially if he is going to be working full time and going to school several nights per week. There are also lots of additional costs- books can be very expensive- specially if he buys aides. He probably won't be able to work the summer before the bar and the courses alone are thousands of dollars. If finances are an issue, be prepared for them to be even more strained if you stay with Pat.
jaye Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I have two great guys who both love me are commited to me, but want me to make a decision....soon. They both have great qualities in different areas. Good for a 3some. j/k "Pat" is very spiritual, loving, the same age as me, adores my kiddos. He's a great guy and we're living together. He considers us engaged. Consideration isn't a fact My other guy "Dave" lives thousands of miles away, we've been friends/lovers for over a year while he was seperated from his wife and I from my husband. He is 13 years older than me, has a house, great neighborhood. My life would be very comfortable with Dave, financially and space wise. He's offered my kids and I a home, plus he lives close to my childrens grandma (on thier dads side), which is a plus for them. Good for your kids and good for him too After my divorce was finalized I had to move out of my home and was considering moving close to or in w/Dave. But I was very hesitant because Dave's divorce wasnt finalized yet. I was afraid my presence would make his divorce much more dificult and I didn't want to be in the middle of all his divorce drama. I had met Pat just a few months before I was to move, we hit it off and we moved in together. A big draw to Pat is that he's a clean slate. No divorce drama, no step-kids, no ex-wife. Shortly after moving in w/Pat, Dave's divorce went through and he still wants me to come be with him after all thats happened. He calls everyday asking me to reconsider and come spend my life with him. Pat wants me to "cut" it with Dave and fully commit to him. I love them both, I wish I could just keep each of them and not have to choose. Any insights, suggestions? Lady, The problem is that you should see what do you want. Love can't go oneway, both of em said they love you but do you? as you said up there that you love both of them. now that fact is you will loose both of them if you didn't make a final decision. if you didn't care about yourselfe then you should go for whats good for your kids. Dave i meant. But if i was you i wouldn't depend on either one of them to support your kids because if it wasn't about you, neither one of them will care for your kids.
Sevenmack Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I'd say neither one. Seems to me you just got out of a relationship that didn't work and you're just latching on to someone, anyone, who seems to keep you from working on your own issues. Both men may be decent people, but one must wonder how you'll view either of them in two years. Chances are you'll view them both as rebounds; they helped you through a tough patch in your life and thus you're grateful to them or they have provided a change of pace, a new view of what life can look like. But gratitude doesn't last long and eventually, you might try a different path altogether. But I could be wrong. How long after you divorced did you meet Pat?
kitkat826 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I'd say neither one. Seems to me you just got out of a relationship that didn't work and you're just latching on to someone This was my first reaction as well. I think if you pick either one, you will realize there are unresolved issues with having "given up" the other one, as well as issues with yourself that have nothing to do with them. If neither of them had any money or job and you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island with just one who would it be? Another good question along these lines is: If you won the $200 million dollar Powerball, who would you pick?
noclobber Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Is this all about money? I mean i know its stressful to think about finances and how it can be hard on a relationship, but shouldnt it be about the love u have for ur partner? If there is plenty of love with either one of these men, i dont think the final decision would come down to the money. Of course it is!!! It's not that hard, really... Women usually fall for a Man who is well settled and rich. I have personally experienced this as well. Two women just refused to commit to a relationship even though they were in love with me. Their reasons? I didn't have an apartment and a car!! For them money and all the security and comfort it brings along rank above love. This is harsh but its the truth. Men marry for Love, Women marry for Money!! it's as simple as that. Even feminists "marry up" not down... They will say otherwise but by the end of the day the guy with the money and the big house will walk away with the lady. I am very sure that the original poster will go for Dave and not Pat. Just think.. even though she lives together with Pat she is still thinking about Dave and keeps repeating how secure he is financially!
hooghie Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 This was my first reaction as well. I think if you pick either one, you will realize there are unresolved issues with having "given up" the other one, as well as issues with yourself that have nothing to do with them. That was my first thought too, but I didn't bother because my guess is that this poster is the type that has to have a man in her life and it would be a waste of time to suggest otherwise.
Author Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 Who do you love the most? You must know. If neither of them had any money or job and you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island with just one who would it be? Well I'm kinda on a desert island right now, Hawaii. But Pat has a job and some money so I guess that dosent count. Bringing them both to a desert island would be a great resolution to figuring all of this out.
Author Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 That was my first thought too, but I didn't bother because my guess is that this poster is the type that has to have a man in her life and it would be a waste of time to suggest otherwise. You are right, I did give in to having a man in my life because of the rough spot I was in. Recently divorced, living on alimony and child support, no finished education (since I spent so many years putting my ex through school). Hard to get a job since I have a 3yr old. So yes, when Dave and Pat offered their help I took it. I felt I needed some support in getting back on my feet. My origional plan was to move back to where I had started my education and finish it. I could have done it all on my own as a single mom of 4 kids but it would have been very hard on me and the kids. My ex is going through another bout of schooling to yet further his career. He's all by his lonesome, no kids, no attachments, so its very feisable for him. A totally different story for me. I've been honest with these guys about eachother, my confusion, my going insane. I would be better just being able to chill for awhile, no men, no romantic entanglements. I would love to join the nunnery for a year! I had 4 men offering to help me out and take in me and my kids at one time. Now I'm down to two. Two beautiful men who if they were merged would make the one Perfect man for me. I would totally take the Polyandry route and have talked to Dave about it, but Pat will have no part in it. So if I did win the $200 Powerball I'd just buy myself a ranch and hire both of them to work for me
flamingjune Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Can't say that I blame them for wanting a decision from you soon. It isn't fair for either of them, and in a way you're covering your bases by holding onto both men. Unfortunately, there's no way to explore both paths, and part of living is bucking up and making a decision, and dealing with the risk. It sounds like a major reason that you hesitate staying with Pat is the financial stress. And that's valid, you have your kids and the future to consider. But at the same time, if you really love him, Dave shouldn't even figure in this scene. It's great that you've been honest with both of them, because they can make their own decisions based on the situation. But if Dave is holding onto the hope that you'll maybe someday go with him, this indicates that you've also been encouraging the man. Which in some way is being unfaithful to Pat. Even if it's just emotional and not physical, you're definitely shortchanging him. You had made a decision to be with Pat. Why make yourself crazy with the ambiguity? Love the man or set him free, but it isn't right to hold onto him and Dave both. Maybe the drama and the attention from different men are exciting, but in the end it'll wreak pain and havoc on your life and your kids if you keep this up. How old are you by the way? And how old are these men?
Author Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 "You had made a decision to be with Pat. Why make yourself crazy with the ambiguity? Love the man or set him free, but it isn't right to hold onto him and Dave both. Maybe the drama and the attention from different men are exciting, but in the end it'll wreak pain and havoc on your life and your kids if you keep this up. How old are you by the way? And how old are these men?" I did make the decision at first under circumstances that we we would try it out for 6 mos. and if it didn't work to go our seperate ways. Yeah its crazy to try and keep this up. Both men are driving me nuts, kids are not happy where we are now. I feel cramped and strapped for cash. Aaaaagh! I feel like my life is a bit out of control now since I didn't think through my decisions very well. Pat and I are in our early 30's and Dave is 43.
Sevenmack Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Both men are driving me nuts, kids are not happy where we are now. I feel cramped and strapped for cash. Aaaaagh! I feel like my life is a bit out of control now since I didn't think through my decisions very well. Ah, the price of latching onto someone, anyone, to keep from dealing with one's real problem: Oneself. At this point, you should just dump both men; they both deserve better than a rebound who's not even sure she wants to rebound with any of them. The next step? Look at yourself and your issues. Think about how you got into your current situation -- including your own choices -- and why. Finally, come up with a plan of action to improve your life and that of your children. They, after all, deserve better than what they seem to be getting right now.
Juliet Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 If you were deeply in love with either of these men you would not be confused about which one you should be with. I think comparing lifestyles is cold when you should really be reflecting upon your feelings. End it with both.
Juliet Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 i would have to give up my spousal support to be with someone and i am not ready to down size my life style.
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