Co sleeping

[Charmanderb]

Hello 

I live with my partner and he has his son over 2/3 nights a week. His son is 10 and still sleeps in his bed. So when he come over I have to sleep in the bunk bed in his sons room while he sleeps where I would sleep. I never bring it up anymore as it’s thrown in my face that I’m not a parent so I wouldn’t know as I find it odd.  He mentions he can’t make him sleep in his own bed as he still sleeps with his mum (and used to have her ex husband in the bed too) and when his mum is out he sleeps in same bed as the step nan so he can’t try enforcing it until she does.  

he also still baths with both mum and dad which I find a little odd as I can’t remember bathing with my parents. His son also wants him to dry him after the bath and my partner get him dressed even when my partner is going toilet he run in the bathroom to join him 
 

I just find it a little odd is this normal behaviour? I’ve asked friends and colleagues and they say it’s totally Odd and they shouldn’t. It upsets me more that I can’t sleep in my own bed and I can’t  have an opinion because I don’t have children and I do feel uncomfortable with it all but should I? 

 

[trident_2020]

It's odd, abnormal and completely dysfunctional.

And there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Except of course find a less dysfunctional guy.

 

[basil67]

In some cultures, adults sleeping with children is normal.  As is bathing together (eg onsens in Japan, saunas in Finland) so I'm going to refrain from judging because I don't have sufficient background information. 

But if you don't like the situation, and he's not going to change, then your only option is to breakup and move out. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Do you have kids?

Move out asap. It's not working and you're relagated to sleeping in a kid's bunk bed.

It's obviously his house, so it's as simple as finding a place, packing up your stuff and sleeping in your own grown up bed alone or with a man who has less strange/complicated co-parent/sleeping arrangements.

Edited March 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

It's all completely odd, abnormal and inappropriate.  However I must add that you are not going to be able to change it.  Your boyfriend is the way he is, and has no interest in changing this.  So you can either put up with this, or leave.

[spiderowl]

It sounds odd to me too.  I can imagine that in some cultures it is ok for parents and children to bathe together, if they have a huge bath or sauna, for example, but it still seems a bit much.  I am sure a child his age can dry himself after the shower or bath too.

I think your boyfriend has some odd ideas and it is hard to know how many of them are shared with his family (as he says) as I presume you have not met them.  He needs to find better ways of giving his son attention than drying him after a bath.

Like other posters have said, not much you can do about it though, except to say if you find it odd.  He's not going to like you pointing that out though.  Unless you want to continue in this strange situation, you'd be better off finding yourself a different boyfriend.

[Weezy1973]

Everybody’s different. Although it seems odd, it doesn’t seem particularly unhealthy. But the main thing is it doesn’t matter; if you don’t want to continue the relationship, you can leave. He’s not going to change his parenting style.

[Wiseman2]

You shouldn't be sleeping in a kid's bunk bed. 

It's weird he has a room set up for the boy but doesn't use it.

Has he been investigated by CPS?  What's up with the sham bedroom?

You need to get yourself and particularly your kids out of there asap.

[Charmanderb]

On 4/8/2021 at 12:03 AM, spiderowl said:

It sounds odd to me too.  I can imagine that in some cultures it is ok for parents and children to bathe together, if they have a huge bath or sauna, for example, but it still seems a bit much.  I am sure a child his age can dry himself after the shower or bath too.

I think your boyfriend has some odd ideas and it is hard to know how many of them are shared with his family (as he says) as I presume you have not met them.  He needs to find better ways of giving his son attention than drying him after a bath.

Like other posters have said, not much you can do about it though, except to say if you find it odd.  He's not going to like you pointing that out though.  Unless you want to continue in this strange situation, you'd be better off finding yourself a different boyfriend.

His sister goes mad when she knew they went toilet same time and told me to get out and when she worked out I slept in the bed. He’s from a English family it’s a normal bath he’s over 6ft 

 

On 3/25/2021 at 11:15 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Do you have kids?

Move out asap. It's not working and you're relagated to sleeping in a kid's bunk bed.

It's obviously his house, so it's as simple as finding a place, packing up your stuff and sleeping in your own grown up bed alone or with a man who has less strange/complicated co-parent/sleeping arrangements.

We have been together for nearly 5 years and live together 3 and half years of that. I just get told I don’t no because I don’t have kids I spent a week in the kids bed when it was school holidays and they sit and eat in the bedroom too I’m just a maid service I suppose. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Charmanderb

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Charmanderb said:

I’m just a maid service I suppose. 

Is he paying you? Or bartering room and board for your services?

[Charmanderb]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he paying you? Or bartering room and board for your services?

No, I’m his gf  - it’s just I feel I’m here to cook and clean as I pay half the bills and I pay for the food shop. 

[spiderowl]

On 5/11/2021 at 9:11 PM, Charmanderb said:

His sister goes mad when she knew they went toilet same time and told me to get out and when she worked out I slept in the bed. He’s from a English family it’s a normal bath he’s over 6ft 

 

We have been together for nearly 5 years and live together 3 and half years of that. I just get told I don’t no because I don’t have kids I spent a week in the kids bed when it was school holidays and they sit and eat in the bedroom too I’m just a maid service I suppose. 

I can tell you that bathing a son that age and drying him (unless he has learning disabilities and is unable to look after himself) is NOT normal in England!  Co-sleeping - maybe if the child was ill.  When my children have been ill enough in the past that I have felt the need to watch over them during the night, I have usually slept in their bed with them or my husband moved into their bed and the child came in with me.  It was purely so that I could check their temperature, bring them a drink, etc., whenever I or they woke during the night, just to monitor them.  It would still have been pretty rare to spend the night with them at that age though, they would have had to be worryingly ill.

I guess it is possible your partner does not know what is normal, for some reason, but I would feel concerned in your shoes.

There is also this extra aspect that he only sees his son 2/3 days a week?  Because of this, the son may be demanding more attention from his father as he misses him the rest of the week.  The same thing may be happening when he is with his mother.  Either way, it is up to the parents to 'train' him to sleep alone and to bath himself.  I suppose you can't ask his ex-wife what the situation is at her place?

 

Edited May 14, 2021 by spiderowl

[Taramere]

On 5/14/2021 at 3:47 AM, spiderowl said:

I can tell you that bathing a son that age and drying him (unless he has learning disabilities and is unable to look after himself) is NOT normal in England!  Co-sleeping - maybe if the child was ill.  When my children have been ill enough in the past that I have felt the need to watch over them during the night, I have usually slept in their bed with them or my husband moved into their bed and the child came in with me.  It was purely so that I could check their temperature, bring them a drink, etc., whenever I or they woke during the night, just to monitor them.  It would still have been pretty rare to spend the night with them at that age though, they would have had to be worryingly ill.

I guess it is possible your partner does not know what is normal, for some reason, but I would feel concerned in your shoes.

Absolutely agree.  It's certainly not a cultural norm in the UK.  It's something I'd be a bit reserved in openly judging too quickly, but I would be getting out of the relationship.  I just could not be with a guy who expected me to sleep in a child's bunkbed while the child slept in his bed.  Not only is that disrespectful to a girlfriend, but from a childcare perspective (in a country where an arrangement like this really is not the norm) I'd have two main concerns about it:

1. Is he a very anxious, dependent sort of guy who's encouraging the same behaviour in his child?

2. Is he abusing the child while they're sharing a bed together?

I know the second one in particular is a pretty explosive thing to put out there, and it's certainly not something I'd dive in and ask anybody.  But it would certainly be  a "potential concern" lurking in my mind, that would make me more watchful and alert to other signs.  In this situation, I have to say that I'd be ditching the guy and personally I'd be making a call to social services, asking them for anonymity,  to share my concerns just in case there were already concerns from other agencies (eg school) about overprotective parenting holding back the child's development....but I realise that for many people that would likely feel like a step too far and something they didn't want to involve themselves in. 

All the circumstances suggest that overly anxious parenting/encouragement of dependency in the child is the main concern rather than anything more sinister being involved.  But that would be for professionals who get involved with the family to figure out.  I wouldn't carry on in the relationship and just accept this guy's view that chucking his girlfriend into a bunkbed while he shares his bed with his 10 year old son is a perfectly normal arrangement that I'm too ignorant/inexperienced/childless to understand.  But I wouldn't be hanging around to argue the situation out with him either.

Edited May 19, 2021 by Taramere

[Taramere]

On 5/11/2021 at 11:03 PM, Charmanderb said:

No, I’m his gf  - it’s just I feel I’m here to cook and clean as I pay half the bills and I pay for the food shop. 

Is accommodation likely to be a problem for you if you leave the relationship?  Is there any where you can go at short notice?

[BeanCounter]

Eep. I'd feel extremely uncomfortable, and frankly super offended that he is pushing you off into a child's room so frequently.

If it's not normal behavior where you are from, then it's extremely alarming behavior. You've already discussed with him how it makes you feel and he just shuts you out with the excuse that you don't know because you don't have kids, so it's time to consider doing something more serious like moving out.