missingmybaby Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 Around 6 months ago i reconnected with an old school friend on facebook. From the ages of 15-17 we were best friends. We kissed a couple of times back then and there was a definite connection but nothing more happened. Prior to us reconnecting again we would often see eachother around as our kids go to the same school so we would have a friendly hello etc. Since we began re connecting we have grown closer and closer and spent time together at least once a week and have grown closer over this time. She is everything that i could want in a woman and someone to date/ have a relationship with. We are both the same age have kids from previous relationships and having that inital connection all those years ago has helped. No red flags at all and she treats we very well But..... i am just not sure how i feel about two things. 1 is how much time I actually get to spend with her. The kids dad isnt around and hasnt been for a number of years and therefore is the sole parent but relies on her parents as a babysitter. Our time seems to always get cut short because she has to obviously be a mum (which i totally understand and would never take her away from). The second much bigger issue long term is do i want to essentially parent another child? I have three of my own which keep me busy enough and i dont feel like i would be willing to take on another. I havent yet met her son but i know him from the school etc. I can imagine days out etc would be great but i am also concious about how my kids would feel seeing and knowing i am spending time with another child and not them. As much as she and us are perfect i cant seem to look past the issue of her being a single mum with little support and having to raise another child?! Any help or advice is welcome.
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 See how it goes between you two first. If that works out, then reflect on the kids.
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 (edited) Problem 1: Will be solved with time. At some point you will decide to introduce the children and that will allow you to spend more time together. Your children will not view this as you spending time with her kid, but as time spent together. Children are aware of melted families, half their friends are from divorced parents that have remarried. Problem 2: To me a child is a blessing, it's another human being to love and to receive love from and to guide into adulthood. So many step fathers out there that have made a significant positive difference in these children's life. Edited March 24, 2021 by Gaeta
ShyViolet Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 Ultimately you can do whatever you want; but I think it's a little hypocritical of you to rule her out just because she's a single mom and has a kid, when YOU have THREE kids. So if you don't want to date her because she has a kid, then that must mean you are only looking for a woman who has no kids.... who would be willing to take on your three kids. I think many childless women would be scared off by the fact that you have three kids. At least with this woman, she's already a parent and she is kinda coming from the same place as you in that regard. 1
spiderowl Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 I suppose it boils down to, you want more of her time and you don't want anyone else getting in the way. That is understandable: we all want to have the undivided attention of our lovers for at least a reasonable amount of time, but it's unlikely to happen with this woman. Presumably you don't see your children as getting in the way of seeing this woman? Are you assuming she will be happy to parent them, whereas you would not be happy to parent another child? That is quite an assumption. Maybe it's best to keep things as friends only and find someone else who has more time for you? If you are always going to feel you are not getting enough of her attention or that there is a rival for that attention, that is not the ideal way to start a relationship with someone who has a vulnerable dependent.
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 As a single parent yourself, you'll have to accept other people's kids and eventually start embracing the idea of how to integrate that into dating. Sooner or later, whether with this particular single mom or not you'll need to accept that one day you and your kids may have to adjust to becoming a blended family.
Miss Peach Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 I'm in a similar point as a single mom so I get point #1 OP. I have kiddo's dad around so I have a decent amount of free time but I can find it difficult to find enough time with single dads. I've head a lot of good on paper relationships fall apart because our schedules don't line up well and it starts to fade. I've dated mostly childless men which is a mixed bag because some weren't able to deal with taking a back seat for my kid or blend in well enough. But some were able to do that and things fell apart for other reasons. What do you think of unconventional dates to get more time? Like a lot of parents will do after bed time dates. For me this doesn't work because I like to go to bed early but I know this helps a lot of single parents get more time without a baby sitter. How close are the kids? Is it something where you could plan a hike or outing where it wouldn't look strange to do it with her. Are there any school events or activities the kids go to which might help get you some more time together? How often are the parents able to help out? For point #2 this is a personal choice for you but if this woman is as great as you say then I think it's worth possibly taking it on since it sounds like the kids are of similar ages. Hopefully they're friendly at school too which means they are willing to play together or help each other out. This should help things IMO. Also I've found is kids still want some time solo with their bio parent so you will get some breaks too.
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