I'm not sure whether our relationship is doomed?

[xbtr6]

2 years and 2 months I was with my boyfriend, and what a world-wind it was. Him and I had MANY DOWNS and I mean many, but we got through them. In January just gone, him and I vowed to start afresh, to put all our troubles behind and to carry on and we did. Or did we? 6 days ago him and I had an absolutely God-awful argument. He hid something small from me as he didn't want to "upset me" as we were doing so well and he wanted us to carry on like that, (I understand where he was coming from) on the other hand I became upset because I thought if you can hide something small then what else can you hide?

Anyway, one thing lead to another and it got rather heated quickly. My phone got broken and so did his. (Please do not judge us for this.)

He left and went home, it was sort of mutual. I told him to leave and so he did. I stayed by myself in my flat. I cried and I cried. I cleaned up my flat and just sat on the couch trying to comprehend what had happened, my mind was so battered that I could hardly think straight. We've text a few times since and he says that it's basically "for the best" and that he wishes me luck? But came to my house on Sunday and stayed with me as he, "hated seeing me so low, and just wanted to help me" I started a new job the day after our argument/breakup, and my job is very demanding. I'm a Mental Health Nurse(would you believe it) and I work on a Intensive Care Unit for very mentally unwell people, even though I love my job to death and wouldn't change it for the world, it is soooo demanding and mentally draining and with what's going on at home, I'm struggling to cope. How can I help unwell people with their lives and wellbeing when my own life is tits up?

To make matters worse, I received a text message 2 days ago from my ex/boyfriend's mother??? Which is out the blue, she's never really like me as she said I've, "taken her son away" but him and I dealt with that and never let it affect our relationship. She was asking me what had gone on so I told her truthfully...here's where I messed up I think. After I told her what had gone on, she said to me:  "well stay away from MY soon, keep away." I thought to myself: how f***ing rude is she? I haven't seen her for 6 months but it was her birthday 2weeks go and I sent her some beautiful flowers. This was more for my boyfriend, as I still wanted to be civil with her for his sake.  He was beyond appreciative.

Anyway when I received that text from her I absolutely SNAPPED. I text back, word for word: "Never text my f***ing phone again. How dare you rub your nose in business that does not concern you? Your son does not need his mother to fight his battles. You're a worthless waste of space with too much to say. Get a job, get a life and remove yourself from OUR business."

She never text back. My ex(??) Text me and apologised and told me he told his mum to not get involved in his business. I don't justify what I said in my text, I've just had 2years of her acting fake towards me, I just snapped.  I had my own place before I met my boyfriend so when we got together he moved in with me. His mum and dad treat him like a 3rd parent, so they viewed me as a threat and HATED that he was living with me full-time.

I'm just so hurt guys, I don't know what's going on? I text him last night saying: "after 2 years, I can't believe we've thrown it away over something so small"

He said: you're right it's a shame. But I wish you well and I love you.

My heart is just broken...I can't believe whats happened over something so small? I know his mum and dad are in his ear, telling him this and that, and I feel that after I've text him mum what I did, I've ruined any chances between my ex and I? what do I do? I have no close friends or no family to speak to so it's hard. I completed a 14.5 hr shift yesterday, came home and broke down crying.

When he left last week, he left me in a very compromised situation, and knew I needed help, him and I discussed this before our argument and he was willing to help me out until the end of the month until I was back on my feet. That's what a relationship is? It's a partnership...a team. But when he left, he KNEW how stuck i would be and how I would struggle. He told me he would come and help me, but after I text him mother that he didn't help.

Please guys, what do I do? I'm extremely sorry to ramble

UrrrrrrrrrrGGGGGhhhhhh

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, xbtr6 said:

My heart is just broken...I can't believe whats happened over something so small?

You need to zoom out here. 

This relationship sounds incredibly toixc, with both of you behaving immaturely and impulsively. In light of that, you didn't break up over somethign small. You broke up because this is very dysfunctional and you two should not be together. 

I would suggest getting brutally honest with yourself, and assessing what is going inside you that leads you into and keeps you stuck in this drama. This isn't what love looks like. 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, xbtr6 said:

Please guys, what do I do?

As a mental health nurse you should have easy access to other mental health professionals.  Talk to a colleague & get a referral.  

Your whole exchange with his mother was beyond inappropriate on your part.   I get that his mother had no business sticking her nose into your relationship with her son but seriously what did you think she was doing reaching out to you?  She doesn't like you to begin with & now her son was upset. There was no scenario on earth where she was going to take your side.  So you responding to her was a huge mistake.   The correct response to defuse the situation would have been something along the lines of 

You are such a dear to reach out.  [BF] is so lucky to have a mom who cares about him so much.  We had a little tiff.  I'm sure we will be able to straighten it out on our own in time.  Thanks for checking in though. 

You were a fool to invite her in.   

If your over the top, inappropriate, foul mouthed response to her was an indication of how you solve problems in your personal life, that explains why you & your BF have such a hard time.  If that text is an example of how you blew up over whatever you claim BF was hiding from you, well, you have a lot of work to do with your new therapist.  

Take a step back from your own life & pretend a patient came to you with the problems you describe.  What would you recommend?  Now go do that for yourself.  It is often easier to diagnose & treat others.  I am a professional too & have learned to utilize the two parts of my life:  personal & professional.  Donni can be a bit of a mess, a full on train wreck sometimes if I'm honest.  But Ms. Vain, well, she's tough as nails & cool as a cucumber.  So sometimes I have to let Ms. Vain, my professional self, be in charge of the real me, Donni, who can be a scared little girl whose feelings are easily hurt.  Try that.  

[Calmandfocused]

I agree that it wasn’t the most appropriate response to his mother but I’m going to give you a pass here. You’re emotional, upset, and she was poking her nose in unnecessarily. Sometimes a short sharp “f**k off” is necessary so others do just that! 
 

Saying that, your emotional state caused you to offload onto her which triggered your aggressive response. Learn from that and never do it again. 
 

Look, you need a support network, you need girlfriends, someone to offload onto to, especially in times like this which are highly distressing.

View the situation you’re in as an opportunity. It’s time to start rebuilding your life, for you. 
 

The relationship with your boyfriend is toxic. It’s never going to work. You need to accept this. You’ve tried for 2 years. 
 

Time to apply all that love, energy and emotion you feel towards him and help yourself. 
 

You’ll get there, trust me! I and plenty of other posters here are not strangers to devastating heartbreak but it does get better. Have faith! 
 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to zoom out here. 

This relationship sounds incredibly toixc, with both of you behaving immaturely and impulsively. In light of that, you didn't break up over somethign small. You broke up because this is very dysfunctional and you two should not be together. 

I would suggest getting brutally honest with yourself, and assessing what is going inside you that leads you into and keeps you stuck in this drama. This isn't what love looks like. 

All this x10. You don’t just say “let’s start fresh“ and it happens.  Doesn’t work that way. You guys are really incompatible/toxic to each other. I’m sorry. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, xbtr6 said:

2 years and 2 months I was with my boyfriend, and what a world-wind it was. Him and I had MANY DOWNS and I mean many

That means it's doomed from the beginning. There is nothing great or honorable trying 100 times to make a relationship work. 

[Versacehottie]

I'd say you really need to work on impulse control.  The lack of it is what made a small thing into a big thing and a breakup.  And it's what made you lash out at the mom to the point of no return, I'm afraid.  So not being able to control yourself when you get angry or upset or hurt, is sabotaging you from the things you want in life and contributing to an unhealthy relationship life.

As a mental health professional, I would think you could see what is going on and the general solutions that would help you.  Also based on what it sounds like you do for work, it seems like you could also see what not honoring a healthy mind and caring for your own mind in that way & strengthening it when that is what is needed can lead to if not tended to.

I don't have a crystal ball but I would imagine your ex to "come back" in some way.  I would just suggest focusing on "being ready" mentally if/when that happens. Sounds like you would want to say that you've made a change, etc etc and so you need to jump on that and actually do it.  (no matter what).  It's a good investment regardless of what happens because you will need this skill in your next relationship.  Better coping skills.  I do think there is probably too much damage to resurrect this, like patterns that you guys have with each other and resentments and beliefs that have built up that make it near impossible to be with HIM though.  I think one thing to do is ACCEPT where you are right now and that you are not together.  Good luck and hang in there.

[smackie9]

But it wasn't a small thing...it was 2.2 years of a lot of DOWN times. You can never walk away from existing problems. When they don't get resolved, it causes a repeat breakdown.

My sister in-law worked in your industry for over 25 years...and this is what she told me. "Some of the staff ended up being the patient..." So this is my advice: keep your BF now ex out of your life, get regular counseling, therapy to sort yourself out. If you are in such an unstable state, crying over a toxic relationship, in time it will jeopardize your ability to do your job. Please take care of yourself.

[ShyViolet]

I highly doubt that your bf broke up with you over a "small thing."  You are not being honest with us or yourself if you say that it was just a small thing.  This relationship was full of drama and toxic behavior.  You have behaved very immaturely.  It sounds like your ex/bf has made his decision and that is that.  You need to accept it and put any ideas of reconciling with him out of your mind.  Your text to his mother was the last nail in the coffin as well.  Work on your own issues before you even think about getting into another relationship.

[introverted1]

"Something so small" that ended in 2 broken phones and an irrevocably rude text to your ex's mom is something that is broken beyond repair.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, an argument that leads to two broken phones, I would assume other possible damage given that you “cleaned up your flat,” and a very aggressive and inappropriate exchange with his mother is not a small thing. It sounds a little more like it was the tipping point in an otherwise toxic and unhealthy two year relationship. 

I’m not sure that you can recover from this. I would suggest that your focus now should be on self reflection, because what you describe here is not a recipe for a stable and healthy long term relationship. Time to ask yourself the hard questions - what have I done to contribute to the demise of this relationship... and I’m not talking about this last argument. It sounds like this relationship has been filled with drama and conflict. How have you contributed to that and why would you even want to stay in this kind of relationship? Time to regroup, learn from this experience, and go forward with a different perspective having learned the lesson and hopefully some new skills... 

Edited March 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[chillii]

Well it's pretty obvious where a big part of the problem is , your temper. He hid something small ok , so what , he was probably right about why , happens all the time with women. l often use to kinda by pass small stuff with my ex because it was just easier than the hassle over nothing otherwise. But instead he gets a roaring blue lasting all night and leading to that outcome , over that - no wonder he didn't bother telling you in the first place.

And the mother ok she sounds like she could be a pain in the arse for sure , but her son also may have turned up in yet another mess and all upset , from you , again. And over some stupid little thing which you turned into a war over nothing anyway - and which she's probably seen 50 times from you two . And bc you don't get along he probably doesn't see her much when he's with you either . But you turned that into a war going off at her like that too.

 

 

[elaine567]

On 3/24/2021 at 9:16 AM, xbtr6 said:

6 days ago him and I had an absolutely God-awful argument. He hid something small from me as he didn't want to "upset me" as we were doing so well and he wanted us to carry on like that, (I understand where he was coming from) on the other hand I became upset because I thought if you can hide something small then what else can you hide?

It wasn't a small thing as what he did eroded your trust in him and that actually is quite a big thing.
I think this big blow out was a blessing in disguise as it sounds like the relationship just wasn't working anyway.
Far too many "down" times.
Next time do not put up with any relationship that is so on and off and chaotic, walk away.