sweetharmony Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I was been dating this guy for about two months. i recently moved from another state and we were set up by mutual friends (he's my friend's husbands friend.) i wanted to start off slow-b/c i was new to the city and wanted to get settled-find a job, apt, friends, etc... but things were great. i freaked. my fear of getting hurt was standing in the way and i pushed him. telling him-i'm not sure if this is working or i don't think we're compatible. maybe we should break-up. and that there are red flags of miscommunication and it's a sign and he should just get out now or it will just exacerbate (stupid childish things) playing games like i've been played. well, he is a psychologist and called me out-he understood my feelings, but regardless, he naturally started pulling back and then i started to get close again-games. when we went to a concert monday, he was not there-emotionally. it was a little uncomfortable. we barely kissed or touched. i know he had a lot of stress from work and such, but i felt this was it. the next morning i saw he put my dvds in my bag-(ones that we were supposed to watch over the coming weeks and he knew that) and i took it as a sign. i asked him why he was being so cold and he asked why i was so dramatic. i just knew it was over or going to be over soon. well, he hasn't called me since then. just strange, not to call at all. i know we didn't date that long, so thank g-d my feelings weren't too invested. but-just to end it like that? not sure what to do. i accepted the fact it's over, but i still feel he should have called. i was very insecure in our dating and i'm not always like that with everyone. but this guy is just very successful and really wants career power and to be in the spotlight, writing a book, articles for magazines and i just didn't feel like i could handle all of his career success. i know it's my problem. but i guess maybe i was a little jealous and felt inadequate. thanks for letting me vent. any advice? i wish i could just turn back the clock one and a half weeks ago, when it was just good. shouldn't the honeymoon phase last much longer?
westernxer Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Why should he call? It's over. Don't mean to sound harsh, but you killed it by playing those games after two months. If you want him back, you need to make the effort to show you've matured. He's not going to waste anymore effort on someone who vacillates the way you did, and why should he? It's too painful, especially if his hopes were up. I've been in his shoes, and I wouldn't call either.
JohnJohn Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I'd have to agree with the previous poster and I am not trying to sound harsh either. My ex did the same thing - played games and threatened to break up but didn't. Threatening to breakup with the other person only brings up more fear and defensiveness in that person. I know. Every time after it has happened to me, it was only a matter of time until it was over. If you ever say that you think it's best to breakup - mean it or it will only make things worse. I understand your fear, but it's all in the approach when you deal with this type of situation. Be tactful and communicate with him without games and threats.
Author sweetharmony Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 thanks for the replies. JohnJohn, i just read your post about your ex the narcissist and it sounded very much like my relationship. he stopped calling-maybe waiting for me to call and apologize for my behavior. well, my pride in place, i took it as a sign that he broke up with me. and bascially, just refused to call him. from my point of view (and i don't know what's going on in her head), but many emptionally abusive people have been abused in the past and are afraid of getting hurt again. i don't think she didn't care for you. honestly, i become MORE abusive with those i care MOST about. because (like your ex), i was out up on this pedestal of perfection at the beginning, i was afraid for him to see the real, insecure me. to him, i was confident, secure, intelligent, beautiful, caring, supportive, everything you could want. he told me all of these things. but it was an image. he told me he never met anyone like me---ever and he couldn't believe how amazing i was. so deep, conversational. it freaked me out, because i was afraid to let me guard down. i couldn't let him see the emotional side, i'd vaccilate b/w putting up a wasll of silence or not letting him get close to me, etc... i too put him on a pedestal, but always crticized him. he's too power hungry, only care about work and he's superficial and why does he want to be so successful? that he's not my usual type, etc... sick? yes. i do care about him-but maybe superficially. not sure yet. but i'm so angry for him not calling me, and yet i'm too proud to call him. i don't want to be percieved as the needy, emotional woman he now sees me as. i want to be the one in control and just let it go with my dignity. but do i really have my dignity? not really. i was just about to e-mail him with a very quick, uncaring note, hey, can you leave my sneakers with the concierge? (i left my sneakers at his place) i still feel as though there was never closure. i don't want to mention the relationship b/c i was scared to hear it's over, yet i feel i still need closure. but won't ask for it. your ex may have cared too much, but is too insecure to put your feelings before her pride. unfortunately, i wish i could say something of help, but she needs help. she could have been emotionally abused in the past and she's placing this on you-it's no excuse, but this is my case. fear of losing control.
westernxer Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 i do care about him-but maybe superficially. not sure yet. but i'm so angry for him not calling me, and yet i'm too proud to call him. i don't want to be percieved as the needy, emotional woman he now sees me as. i want to be the one in control and just let it go with my dignity. but do i really have my dignity? not really. Interesting... you sound exactly like the girl I was with. This happened awhile ago, but reading your post brings back a lot of memories of what I could've ended up with. I dodged a bullet, that's for sure.
JS17 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Interesting... you sound exactly like the girl I was with. This happened awhile ago, but reading your post brings back a lot of memories of what I could've ended up with. I dodged a bullet, that's for sure. Were you dating a teenager westernxer? It sounds very immature. You're WAY too smart for that.
westernxer Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Were you dating a teenager westernxer? It sounds very immature. You're WAY too smart for that. She sure acted like a teenager, that's for sure. *chuckle* My sister actually set us up, and I went into it believing that my sister knew what she was talking about. I really had hopes for this one, because this girl was so sweet in the beginning. It was definitely a setup, and I nearly walked into an ambush. But we learn from experience, and now I can look back and laugh about it.
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 your ex may have cared too much, but is too insecure to put your feelings before her pride. unfortunately, i wish i could say something of help, but she needs help. she could have been emotionally abused in the past and she's placing this on you-it's no excuse, but this is my case. fear of losing control. Thanks! You bring up some excellent points from a woman's perspective. You are basically right on with how my ex is. I've said what I said to her and even apologized when I probably shouldn't have. The ball is in her court thought. I do not expect her to call because she is stubborn, insecure and has her pride, like you say you do. Also, in her mind I am to blame for everything so why should she call me back? She's probably sitting there waiting for me to cave and contact her. Won't happen. You could say I have my pride, but more so my dignity and self-esteem. Looking back at it now, it would be for the best for her not to contact. I'm not a masochist and getting beack together with her would only subject myself to more pain. I'm realizing this now more and more and don't feel as I am as insane as I thought I was. Thanks to all the great support I have received on here!
westernxer Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 I do not expect her to call because she is stubborn, insecure and has her pride, like you say you do... She's probably sitting there waiting for me to cave and contact her. Sounds familiar... Good riddance to bad rubbish.
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