TheBlingRing14 Posted March 22, 2021 Posted March 22, 2021 Yesterday, the guy I have been seeing messaged me and said it would have been a good day to go get lunch somewhere. I may be dumb, I dunno, but my impression was that he was hinting that he wanted to go to lunch with me. I agreed, and we talked a bit longer. Eventually, he asked me if there was anywhere good to go for dinner. Again, I'm probably an idiot, but I assumed that meant he wanted to go to dinner...with me. We don't live close, so if he was asking me for recommendations, that only made sense. So, I gave him a few places that were near my location. Then, as a joke, I suggested he take the day off work today, and we could go get lunch at one of the places he was wanting to go, but that was closed on Sundays. And then...crickets. I didn't hear from him again the rest of the evening. So, I don't know if I mis-read the whole lunch/dinner thing, or what. But yeah...dinner didn't happen. I talked to him later in the night, and I didn't want to get too confrontational with him; anyway, he told me that he already had the day off today, but that he had plans after lunch. He said to text him this morning, and he *might* have time for lunch. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I just sobbed. For one, I'd like to spend the day, or at least a fair amount of time, with him. And I would hope he felt the same way. For two, feeling like I am some inconvenience that he may be able to squeeze into his schedule absolutely crushed me. So, now I feel like....I don't want to make a rash decision. If I decide, no I am not going settle for what pittance of time he is offering me, then...I might miss out on a nice conversation, a chance to deepen things, and maybe if his plans end up being cancelled, additional time together. But, then, I worry that, again, me settling for a pittance of time might send him the wrong message...that he doesn't have to make much of an effort. Ultimately, part of the reason I am confused is the same situation happened months ago, with a different guy. He said we could go to lunch, and I turned him down, because I was offended that he only wanted to spend such a limited amount of time together, so in my state of hurt feelings, I said no, and he ghosted shortly thereafter. At the time, the group here said I made the wrong decision, and if he was willing to make time with me, I should have taken advantage of it. I don't want to make the same mistake again.
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2021 Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) Are you both talking to and meeting other people? You're not exclusive, right? Unfortunately it seems like he's meeting others. Stop hooking up with him. It's pretty lame that he's asking you for date ideas but treated you like a call girl. Delete and block this Bozo Edited March 22, 2021 by Wiseman2
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2021 Posted March 22, 2021 I think you were a bit too passive in unclear conversations. On a nice weekend day when people start talking about lunch, especially in spring, when it's the 1st nice day, clarify immediately. In your shoes, I would have said oh I love XYZ Restaurant. They have a great outside deck. Have you ever been? Wanna meet there at 1? Even if somebody only has 2 hours to spend with you that is a sign they are trying to fit you in. Going forward yes it would be nice if things were planned more in advance but the surprise of the 1st nice days in spring is an opportunity to be seized. Don't let pride ruin those spontaneous adventures. 2
heavenonearth Posted March 22, 2021 Posted March 22, 2021 Lunch is a nice date if you are just getting to know each other, no? It is not very binding and you can have a fun time together, then go your separate ways and see if you wanna repeat the experience again. As d0nnivain said, you could be a bit more assertive and flirty in your texts, if you really want to spend some quality time together. It does however indeed seem like he is also dating others, so if you are really interested in him and want to be exclusive with him, perhaps you should be a bit more forward and cheeky with your communication. Hope it works out!
smackie9 Posted March 22, 2021 Posted March 22, 2021 OK first guy, asked you out for lunch, and that made you felt less of a priority. That's your impression, and that's fine. This other guy I'm guessing took offense when you marched right in there telling what he should do. You pushed, he didn't like it. But in your own right you pushed because he's giving you so little time and it you took it as an invitation. Since this guy isn't fulfilling your expectations, kick him to the curb. You have expectations and nothing wrong with that. If they don't want to make the effort or they are being too casual for your liking, then you dump and move on. Not every guy is going to be right for you, and that's something we all have experienced. And you are not going to be right for every guy either. Is it frustrating? you bet. IMO first impressions count. When a guy is frittering around, it's most likely won't work out anyways...that's my experience. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 24, 2021 Author Posted March 24, 2021 On 3/22/2021 at 10:07 AM, d0nnivain said: I think you were a bit too passive in unclear conversations. On a nice weekend day when people start talking about lunch, especially in spring, when it's the 1st nice day, clarify immediately. In your shoes, I would have said oh I love XYZ Restaurant. They have a great outside deck. Have you ever been? Wanna meet there at 1? Even if somebody only has 2 hours to spend with you that is a sign they are trying to fit you in. Going forward yes it would be nice if things were planned more in advance but the surprise of the 1st nice days in spring is an opportunity to be seized. Don't let pride ruin those spontaneous adventures. On 3/22/2021 at 3:41 PM, heavenonearth said: Lunch is a nice date if you are just getting to know each other, no? It is not very binding and you can have a fun time together, then go your separate ways and see if you wanna repeat the experience again. As d0nnivain said, you could be a bit more assertive and flirty in your texts, if you really want to spend some quality time together. It does however indeed seem like he is also dating others, so if you are really interested in him and want to be exclusive with him, perhaps you should be a bit more forward and cheeky with your communication. Hope it works out! So, I won't bury the lead....we did have lunch, and I had a great time. But, I do think you guys were right that...passiveness is definitely an issue. And, it's both of us. We're both quite similar to each other: overthinking, reading into things when there isn't anything to be read into, being passive. So, the lunch date yesterday almost ended up not happening. So, I did text him yesterday morning. And we talked. But, he never said anything about lunch. So, I just figured he ended up not being able to make it work. Okay, fine. Went about my day. Then, about 10 am, I got a message from him: "So is that a no for lunch, then?" So, I was a little perplexed. So I replied that no, I guess not, but that in my defense, I thought he was going to tell me earlier in the morning if it was going to work out. So, he replied..."Ugg, I was waiting on you to suggest something." So, again....just another communication blip, where we were both on the same wavelength, we both wanted to see each other, but...were both expecting the other to make the leap. Luckily, we got it figured out. I met him at his house, and we went to lunch. But, the icing on the cake was that his afternoon plans fell through (or maybe he cancelled them and didn't tell me), so we spent a lovely afternoon together. We went for a country drive and did some sightseeing for a couple of hours. He narrated and filled me in on some of the historical sites. It was nice. We did eventually come to a lovely little area with a mill and a small gorge. So...he pulled into the little parking area, where we sat for no more than 5 seconds, and then he started to back out to leave. I thought it was kind of strange and random, and I also thought I would have liked to explore a little bit more, but he was driving and I was his guest, so I let him do his thing. This will become relevant later. Anyway, we drove back to his place and went inside and talked in his kitchen for a bit. Anyway, without a word, he goes and sits down in his living room. He doesn't say, "Hey let's go relax" or "Come join me in here" or anything. I was kind of like....perplexed. So, he asked me twice when I was heading back home. So...I interpreted that as my cue to leave. Again, as may become relevant, maybe I misinterpreted what he was saying. If he WASN'T trying to get rid of me, I think, "How long can you stay?" may have been a better way to phrase it. But, I am guilty of things coming out wrong when spoken before, so no judgement. But, at the time, I got the impression he was hinting that I needed to leave, so I told him I was leaving right then. I got home, let him know I made it home, and then took a little nap. Well, when I woke up, I had a message from him saying that he wasn't sure if he had said something wrong earlier, but apologizing if he did. And, that he was trying to figure out what was wrong. (This is why I'm thinking that maybe I mis-read his asking when I was heading back home) I assured him that I had a lovely time and that everything was fine. I sent him a couple of funny memes related to our conversations yesterday, and it seemed like his spirits were sufficiently lifted. I am thinking that this interaction is at least a good sign, because he wouldn't have been worried unless he cared. So, I do have slightly more confidence that he has a degree of interest in me. Anyway, he messaged me later in the night, checking in. And, I mentioned to him that he took me to some beautiful places, and that the one spot I referred to earlier, I would have liked to get out and explore a little bit. And...back to our being on the same wavelength but afraid to do anything about it. He said he had taken his seatbelt off, but I didn't seem to be interested in getting out, so he left. I guess I was supposed to read his mind? For one, I didn't even notice the seat belt thing. For two, he never turned the car off....if the car had been turned off, I probably would have figured it out. For three, he didn't say a word. And for four, as I said earlier, he pulled in and seconds later, pulled out. I was enjoying the view and about that time, we were off. I'm bummed because I think we could have had a lot of fun and had some special moments together....but I pulled myself together and simply told him. "You should have said something, because I would have liked to have gotten out to go exploring too. But still, either way, I still had a great time with you this afternoon." He told me I was very hard to figure out, and that was kind of how we left things. I haven't spoken to him yet today, which is fine. But, I do worry that that little revelation from last night might have ruined everything. Maybe he just decided I was too much work to figure out. Maybe he decided that we are just too much alike in our awkwardness, and just wasn't going to work out after all. I personally thought it was a good thing that hey, at least we are mostly on the same page. We just have to work on being bold and brave and communicating with each other, not assuming, not reading into. But...that's me too. Me as well as him. And, I am willing to work on it. I was feeling really happy and hopeful last night and this morning. As time goes on, those doubts and insecurities are starting to creep in...wondering if this seemingly innocent miscommunication may be the straw that broke the camel's back. 1
Watercolors Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 (edited) @TheBlingRing14 One thing I have noticed with you is that you tend to overthink everything. Overthinking is an anxiety response. The way to curb yourself of this habit, is to stop waiting for everything to always be perfect. Put things into perspective. Stop thinking of what can go wrong and instead think about what possibly could go right. You need to change your view of fear, b/c that seems to be what triggers these overthinking responses. To figure out why you overthink, you need to do some internal reflection on what happened to you growing up that could be the cause. Overthinking is not a normal response to situations. It ends up creating a vicious cycle of anxiety and worry until the situation becomes so distorted, you don't know what's real or what's not real. And then you question everything. Why do you think that you overthink everything so much? Who knows why he asked you to leave. I thought that was rude for him to just leave you standing there in his kitchen, and then once settled, ask you what time you were leaving. What an a**h***. Why did you even give him the time of day after that behavior? I would have called him out on such rude behavior myself. There's no second guessing his motives. He was done entertaining you and wanted you to leave, and he awkwardly asked you what time you were leaving, hoping you'd just leave, which you did. He's an a**h***. Don't go out with him again. Also, stop giving your power away in these situations. Put yourself first. What kind of treatment will you put up with/not put up with? What do you want from a guy? What are dealbreakers for you? It's as if you second guess everything you say and do, b/c you haven't taken the time to ask yourself what it is you want...what is important to you? Edited March 24, 2021 by Watercolors 3
Miss Spider Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 (edited) Yeah this does sound pretty much verbatim like another post you made months back ... Again, you misunderstood someone’s intentions to ask you out and then you felt slighted and stuff ensued. Sorry. At least this guy was a little kinder about it. I think this stems first of all from you becoming way too invested with people who are not that serious about dating you. If this guy had the day off , and if he is within reasonable distance, he just didn’t care to hang out with you. So, situation is not that serious to say the least. Reel back your expectations. If a person lives a considerable distance and brings up lunch, it doesn’t necessarily mean with you. I’d also consider dating people who live closer by. Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough
princessaurora Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 Could he possibly be on the spectrum? Some of his behavior seems indicative of that. The taking his seatbelt off, but then pulling out like 5 seconds later, and walking away from the kitchen and going to sit in his den, then asking you when you were leaving? That doesn't sound like a mentally stable person. Just a thought.
Miss Spider Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: So, I won't bury the lead....we did have lunch, and I had a great time. But, I do think you guys were right that...passiveness is definitely an issue. And, it's both of us. We're both quite similar to each other: overthinking, reading into things when there isn't anything to be read into, being passive. So, the lunch date yesterday almost ended up not happening. So, I did text him yesterday morning. And we talked. But, he never said anything about lunch. So, I just figured he ended up not being able to make it work. Okay, fine. Went about my day. Then, about 10 am, I got a message from him: "So is that a no for lunch, then?" So, I was a little perplexed. So I replied that no, I guess not, but that in my defense, I thought he was going to tell me earlier in the morning if it was going to work out. So, he replied..."Ugg, I was waiting on you to suggest something." So, again....just another communication blip, where we were both on the same wavelength, we both wanted to see each other, but...were both expecting the other to make the leap. Luckily, we got it figured out. I met him at his house, and we went to lunch. But, the icing on the cake was that his afternoon plans fell through (or maybe he cancelled them and didn't tell me), so we spent a lovely afternoon together. We went for a country drive and did some sightseeing for a couple of hours. He narrated and filled me in on some of the historical sites. It was nice. We did eventually come to a lovely little area with a mill and a small gorge. So...he pulled into the little parking area, where we sat for no more than 5 seconds, and then he started to back out to leave. I thought it was kind of strange and random, and I also thought I would have liked to explore a little bit more, but he was driving and I was his guest, so I let him do his thing. This will become relevant later. Anyway, we drove back to his place and went inside and talked in his kitchen for a bit. Anyway, without a word, he goes and sits down in his living room. He doesn't say, "Hey let's go relax" or "Come join me in here" or anything. I was kind of like....perplexed. So, he asked me twice when I was heading back home. So...I interpreted that as my cue to leave. Again, as may become relevant, maybe I misinterpreted what he was saying. If he WASN'T trying to get rid of me, I think, "How long can you stay?" may have been a better way to phrase it. But, I am guilty of things coming out wrong when spoken before, so no judgement. But, at the time, I got the impression he was hinting that I needed to leave, so I told him I was leaving right then. I got home, let him know I made it home, and then took a little nap. Well, when I woke up, I had a message from him saying that he wasn't sure if he had said something wrong earlier, but apologizing if he did. And, that he was trying to figure out what was wrong. (This is why I'm thinking that maybe I mis-read his asking when I was heading back home) I assured him that I had a lovely time and that everything was fine. I sent him a couple of funny memes related to our conversations yesterday, and it seemed like his spirits were sufficiently lifted. I am thinking that this interaction is at least a good sign, because he wouldn't have been worried unless he cared. So, I do have slightly more confidence that he has a degree of interest in me. Anyway, he messaged me later in the night, checking in. And, I mentioned to him that he took me to some beautiful places, and that the one spot I referred to earlier, I would have liked to get out and explore a little bit. And...back to our being on the same wavelength but afraid to do anything about it. He said he had taken his seatbelt off, but I didn't seem to be interested in getting out, so he left. I guess I was supposed to read his mind? For one, I didn't even notice the seat belt thing. For two, he never turned the car off....if the car had been turned off, I probably would have figured it out. For three, he didn't say a word. And for four, as I said earlier, he pulled in and seconds later, pulled out. I was enjoying the view and about that time, we were off. I'm bummed because I think we could have had a lot of fun and had some special moments together....but I pulled myself together and simply told him. "You should have said something, because I would have liked to have gotten out to go exploring too. But still, either way, I still had a great time with you this afternoon." He told me I was very hard to figure out, and that was kind of how we left things. I haven't spoken to him yet today, which is fine. But, I do worry that that little revelation from last night might have ruined everything. Maybe he just decided I was too much work to figure out. Maybe he decided that we are just too much alike in our awkwardness, and just wasn't going to work out after all. I personally thought it was a good thing that hey, at least we are mostly on the same page. We just have to work on being bold and brave and communicating with each other, not assuming, not reading into. But...that's me too. Me as well as him. And, I am willing to work on it. I was feeling really happy and hopeful last night and this morning. As time goes on, those doubts and insecurities are starting to creep in...wondering if this seemingly innocent miscommunication may be the straw that broke the camel's back. Oh wow. You don’t seem passive about this at all. if your friend told you this what would you say? This guy talks about lunch and doesn’t ask you out. So, you ask this guy ( you say jokingly) to take the day off and have lunch with you. No mystery you want to get lunch with him. Then the guy says, well, he blew you off on his full day off , but he might be cool with grabbing lunch tomorrow. He said he *might* have time for lunch if you text him early that morning. And you do. So then crickets until he places the blame on you for not suggesting it to him again? All the analyzing, and you don’t see how he was probably trying to dodge having to drive to come see you for lunch? Anyway, you somehow end up driving to him, to his house(wha?) his “afternoon plans” conveniently “fell through”, things get all weird and awkward, he goes to the living room by himself, and you feel like you wore out your welcome. This doesn’t happen when this is a go. The issue is you waste way too much time in these situations with no go’s. This is a no go. Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 24, 2021 Author Posted March 24, 2021 32 minutes ago, Watercolors said: @TheBlingRing14 One thing I have noticed with you is that you tend to overthink everything. Overthinking is an anxiety response. The way to curb yourself of this habit, is to stop waiting for everything to always be perfect. Put things into perspective. Stop thinking of what can go wrong and instead think about what possibly could go right. You need to change your view of fear, b/c that seems to be what triggers these overthinking responses. To figure out why you overthink, you need to do some internal reflection on what happened to you growing up that could be the cause. Overthinking is not a normal response to situations. It ends up creating a vicious cycle of anxiety and worry until the situation becomes so distorted, you don't know what's real or what's not real. And then you question everything. Why do you think that you overthink everything so much? Who knows why he asked you to leave. I thought that was rude for him to just leave you standing there in his kitchen, and then once settled, ask you what time you were leaving. What an a**h***. Why did you even give him the time of day after that behavior? I would have called him out on such rude behavior myself. There's no second guessing his motives. He was done entertaining you and wanted you to leave, and he awkwardly asked you what time you were leaving, hoping you'd just leave, which you did. He's an a**h***. Don't go out with him again. Also, stop giving your power away in these situations. Put yourself first. What kind of treatment will you put up with/not put up with? What do you want from a guy? What are dealbreakers for you? It's as if you second guess everything you say and do, b/c you haven't taken the time to ask yourself what it is you want...what is important to you? Trust me, I know on the overthinking. It has been ruinous for me. It has permeated every relationship and every almost relationship I have ever had. Many may says that...well until you get your overthinking under control, you will never have a good relationship. But, I don't accept that. I think lots of people have mental issues and stumbling blocks that they just have to overcome OR make it work. Is the overthinking ideal? No. Do I want it to get better? Of course. But, I'm not going to let it stop me from dating and trying to find love. And honestly....I have done that internal reflection. I had a pretty easy childhood. I cannot point to any behavior by my parents or teachers that could lead to any sort of anxiety. I wish there was a lightning bolt moment that I could say "Aha" and work backward from there. But...there isn't. The only thing I can gather is...and this is pure speculation.....is my easy childhood is actually the source of my anxiety. I grew up in a very strict household, a bubble you could say, but...I wasn't a rebel. I didn't act out. I never really had the desire to push the boundaries. I was perfectly content in my sheltered life. Also, I went to private school, which I do consider one of the greatest blessings of my life. That said, it was very structured, very regimented. But, again, I had no problem with that. I enjoyed that comfort and safety of things. When I went off the college, the anticipation was, as it was for all other females my age that I would go off to college, meet a man, get married, and....boom, life made. So, truthfully, I never had any anxiety in high school or even early college about dating....because I just "knew" that this is just what would happen. I'd meet a guy and get married. My life was already set. When that didn't happen...that could be when things started to spiral. Maybe not initially, because I was so focused on career at that point. But, eventually...once I reached a point of wanting to date...my anxiety probably built up over time. (That said, I am not only anxious about relationships....I am anxious about airplanes, bridges, workplace issues, and so on....which might go back to living in such a sheltered lifestyle early on, I don't know) As to that whole deal...to be fair, we had spent nearly 5 hours together by that point. We hadn't planned to go back and hang out at his place...so really, it was presumptive to even assume he would invite me in at all. He offered me a drink, which I declined. (I don't know why, I wish I knew. Nervousness, probably) He knew I had at decent drive ahead of me, so it's probably fair to wonder if I was going to try to get home before dark. Anyway, if 5 hours is his limit with me, at this stage, I'm not going to begrudge him for that.
Watercolors Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Trust me, I know on the overthinking. It has been ruinous for me. It has permeated every relationship and every almost relationship I have ever had. Many may says that...well until you get your overthinking under control, you will never have a good relationship. But, I don't accept that. I think lots of people have mental issues and stumbling blocks that they just have to overcome OR make it work. Is the overthinking ideal? No. Do I want it to get better? Of course. But, I'm not going to let it stop me from dating and trying to find love. And honestly....I have done that internal reflection. I had a pretty easy childhood. I cannot point to any behavior by my parents or teachers that could lead to any sort of anxiety. I wish there was a lightning bolt moment that I could say "Aha" and work backward from there. But...there isn't. The only thing I can gather is...and this is pure speculation.....is my easy childhood is actually the source of my anxiety. I grew up in a very strict household, a bubble you could say, but...I wasn't a rebel. I didn't act out. I never really had the desire to push the boundaries. I was perfectly content in my sheltered life. Also, I went to private school, which I do consider one of the greatest blessings of my life. That said, it was very structured, very regimented. But, again, I had no problem with that. I enjoyed that comfort and safety of things. When I went off the college, the anticipation was, as it was for all other females my age that I would go off to college, meet a man, get married, and....boom, life made. So, truthfully, I never had any anxiety in high school or even early college about dating....because I just "knew" that this is just what would happen. I'd meet a guy and get married. My life was already set. When that didn't happen...that could be when things started to spiral. Maybe not initially, because I was so focused on career at that point. But, eventually...once I reached a point of wanting to date...my anxiety probably built up over time. (That said, I am not only anxious about relationships....I am anxious about airplanes, bridges, workplace issues, and so on....which might go back to living in such a sheltered lifestyle early on, I don't know) As to that whole deal...to be fair, we had spent nearly 5 hours together by that point. We hadn't planned to go back and hang out at his place...so really, it was presumptive to even assume he would invite me in at all. He offered me a drink, which I declined. (I don't know why, I wish I knew. Nervousness, probably) He knew I had at decent drive ahead of me, so it's probably fair to wonder if I was going to try to get home before dark. Anyway, if 5 hours is his limit with me, at this stage, I'm not going to begrudge him for that. Ok, fair enough that you are aware of your overthinking. The only advice I have for you, is to slow down and not overanalyze everything. That guy who didn't ask you out to lunch. Why did you chase after him? He clearly wasn't interested. And that guy you spent 5 hours with. He still acted like an a**h***. But you can't let the guy do all the legwork. You have to have some boundaries and verbally set limits with these guys when you're out on a date. Instead, it seems like you let the guy have all the power That's never going to get you what you want or deserve. You need to love yourself and hold guys to the standards that you know you deserve. If they don't measure up, don't chase them and demand that they spend time with you. That's weird doing that. Just leave him alone. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 24, 2021 Author Posted March 24, 2021 25 minutes ago, princessaurora said: Could he possibly be on the spectrum? Some of his behavior seems indicative of that. The taking his seatbelt off, but then pulling out like 5 seconds later, and walking away from the kitchen and going to sit in his den, then asking you when you were leaving? That doesn't sound like a mentally stable person. Just a thought. It's possible. I would say pretty high-functioning if so. He has lamented to me in the past about losing friends and not having any friends and I dunno....I think maybe there are perhaps some social anxieties there that I don't quite know about. The walking away from the kitchen thing was weird...but once he got into the living room, he kind of turned around, almost as if to see if I was following him. When he turned around and saw me still in the kitchen, he asked...."Are you okay?" Also to add to the mental aspect of it....I have noticed that anytime we go somewhere, he will always ask, somewhat anxiously, my opinion of it. "So what do you think? Do you like it? Would you come back?" or "Well? What do you think? Think they'll make it? I think it's got a good shot." I know typed out, the tone doesn't quite come across as severe as it does verbally. But, it's almost a frantic tone. It's the same tone of voice he uses when asking if I'm okay....it's not a genuine voice, but more like a worried voice, as if expecting something is wrong.
poppyfields Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: Who knows why he asked you to leave. I thought that was rude for him to just leave you standing there in his kitchen, and then once settled, ask you what time you were leaving. What an a**h***. Why did you even give him the time of day after that behavior? I would have called him out on such rude behavior myself. There's no second guessing his motives. He was done entertaining you and wanted you to leave, and he awkwardly asked you what time you were leaving, hoping you'd just leave, which you did. He's an a**h***. Don't go out with him again. I agree and thought the same thing while reading. Bling, stop spinning it and telling yourself stories, the guy is a first class jackass. Not even from just the incident in his kitchen but ALL of it. One huge total mindf*ck. I mean, I felt a bit crazy myself just from reading! I cannot imagine actually experiencing life with this person. Toss him back, I am serious, from what I know of you, you can do much better. P.S. There is another thread running now about recognizing red flags and acting on that recognition versus spinning and telling yourself stories. I strongly suggest you read it Bling, and good luck. Edited March 24, 2021 by poppyfields
Versacehottie Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 (edited) Ok, well good that you know you are overthinking (and yes I vaguely remember the gist of your other thread). I'm going to have to re-read your posts again to see what was so wrong with the date. All I saw was two overthinkers who are acting a bit awkwardly, hesitant and passive---no bad intentions. Granted I skimmed a bit this time. I will tell you this---as much as I like giving advice and often enjoy reading the various opinions you will get if you start a thread on here, I don't think it's very productive for an over thinker in your situation. Now along with the 100 racing thoughts you already have and the uncertainty, you will have people chiming in in a very authoritative tone (sorry, no offense to the other posters) and it will confuse you more and cause more overthinking---and likely add another 20 racing thoughts or doubts. The key has to be being able to rely on yourself and know you will be OK regardless of where the journey with some dating thing takes you. Try to just stay in the moment and enjoy it. My advice from reading your post has to do with you and what you can do and take to any dating relationship rather than trying to speculate on what this guy is or isn't and the prognosis of the relationship. The future outcome of the relationship is the first thing you need to stop trying to predict--it's contributing to your overthinking and anxiety. And paralyzing you "in the moment". My best advice is to be less tentative with everything and risk getting shot down in a way. It's a move from THINKING, HAVING GUESSING AND RACING THOUGHTS, and working on tons of strategies based on If this, then this and if that, that this, and maybe this which is endless TO having answers directly. And you need to just get used to the uncertainty because it will often be around in lots of parts of life. So if you know what you want, like a lunch, risk a little by being really direct and asking, get your answer from the guy. Also I would say you need to PRESUME that being in contact with this guy (or other guys) mean they want to be doing that & don't have bad intentions. You will likely conduct yourself better if you accept this belief (that' they want to spend time with you). Rerun the lead up to the date and the date itself and PRESUME that he wanted you to be there and spend time with you and didn't want to leave and replay what you would do and say & I guarantee it would look differently. You should do this exercise. I also think by being an over thinker and being in your head the entire lead up to the date and then on the date that you probably didn't maximize any one moment, thus kind of not optimizing your end of what you put into the date and how you are perceived by the other person. It's a form of self-sabotage. I'm guessing that you are looking for signs on the date of what he says or does will mean to the bigger picture of "the two of you..in a relationship". That's such a momentous question. And you won't get that answer in little things on the first handfuls of dates--maybe not even for quite a long time. You just have to enjoy the experience and see where it leads you. I agree very much with watercolors in that when you put yourself in a proactive position of "what you want" or any proactive position it usually calms down anxiety vs being in a reactive or passive position so that's what you should do more going forward. I would say you should try to turn this thread into that. Something where you can suss out your real needs/wants, figure out how to express them and things you can do proactively. The hard thing I think is if you keep debating it on here you will get so many different answers it's likely to confuse you (so maybe a professional is better and one voice to bounce ideas off of). Lastly, for my view of the crystal ball stuff on him is just talking about the near future, and PRESUMING good intentions, I honestly don't think he would have made effort after the date to clarify anything or try to talk to you if he didn't like and care about you and want to see you again. So I would let that basic thought be the base of your future interactions with him. And again switch it to rather than try to impress him, see if he impresses you. Good luck *ps when you are relating the date details on the thread, I can see that we are seeing them filtered through your anxious mind. Don't forget that will influence what advice you will get & solidify even more that these "thoughts" are facts. When really they are probably just the musings and ruminations of an anxious overthinking mind. Edited March 24, 2021 by Versacehottie 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 5 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I told him. "You should have said something, because I would have liked to have gotten out to go exploring too. But still, either way, I still had a great time with you this afternoon." He takes you to lunch, drives you around all afternoon, invites you to his home and your conversation is "I wanted to explore x place more"? Do you usually critique dates as if they're tour operators?
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 24, 2021 Author Posted March 24, 2021 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: He takes you to lunch, drives you around all afternoon, invites you to his home and your conversation is "I wanted to explore x place more"? Do you usually critique dates as if they're tour operators? Okay I had already told him I had a lovely time. And, it wasn't exactly like I was like...."You know x place? It was absolute garbage. 1 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend." It was more like, "Hey, you know x place? I really would have liked to spend more time with you there." I hardly consider it a critique.
d0nnivain Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 You have at least identified the problem & acknowledged that you overthinking causes more problems. So lets do a 180 with this guy to save it. You reach out today & ask him on a date that you plan & pay for. When something comes up, you say something in the moment, not hours later. I know you have never done this before & it probably sounds terrifying. But here's the thing -- this is already going south. You have the opportunity to save it by action. So you really have nothing to lose but this poor panicked guy who seems to suffer from the same phobias you do would probably breathe a huge sigh of relief if you took some of the weight off his shoulders. Do for him what you wish more people would do for you -- be clear & take the lead. 1
FMW Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 I don't know, I seem to be in the minority here. It seems like a great deal of this is because of HIS poor communication/social skills. Asking you about places to eat but never actually asking you out to eat: It's not difficult to follow up your suggestions, that he solicited, with at least saying "do you want to go" even if it was a time to be determined, especially since you joked about him taking the day off so the two of you could go to one of the places. There was nothing left for you to say since he made no response. Pulling in to a spot for only a matter of seconds and then leaving: I probably would have said something about getting out, BUT if he took off within a matter of seconds I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that he didn't want to and just letting it go. Even if he did take off his seat belt, he still should have asked if you wanted to get out, not just assumed it was going to happen and then bolt when you didn't immediately take your seat belt off. Walking out of the room and going to sit down without saying a word at his house: When you're just getting to know each other he should absolutely say something like let's go sit down, not just head off without a word expecting you to immediately follow. Asking when you were going home - twice: I would have definitely taken that as a hint to leave, so I see nothing wrong with what you did. You may have a history of being anxious and insecure about guys, but honestly with how you describe this I don't know that I would have perceived things much differently. And I would probably be kind of annoyed with him for saying you were hard to understand. Pot - Kettle. If you want to try to keep things going, I agree with the suggestion to call him and ask him out and pay. I would then definitely find the right time to bring up all the little miscommunications and explain your interpretations of his words/actions/inactions so that he has a chance to see how things seemed to you. He seems to be interested in you, but you are both going to have to work on your communication. 3
jspice Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 This guy is an idiot. Don’t put this on yourself. He’s a total gaslighter. 1 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 24, 2021 Author Posted March 24, 2021 8 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You have at least identified the problem & acknowledged that you overthinking causes more problems. So lets do a 180 with this guy to save it. You reach out today & ask him on a date that you plan & pay for. When something comes up, you say something in the moment, not hours later. I know you have never done this before & it probably sounds terrifying. But here's the thing -- this is already going south. You have the opportunity to save it by action. So you really have nothing to lose but this poor panicked guy who seems to suffer from the same phobias you do would probably breathe a huge sigh of relief if you took some of the weight off his shoulders. Do for him what you wish more people would do for you -- be clear & take the lead. The thing that is just so frustrating about that is.....if things were just a quarter of a millimeter different, it could be heading completely a different direction. If I had seen him take his seat belt off out of the corner of my eye, and followed his lead. Or if he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, instead of assuming disinterest. Maybe we had gone for that walk...maybe we would have had some nice moments together (which to be fair, we had some nice moments in the car during our drive) Maybe the situation would feel and be completely different right now. I actually read an article today, so ironic, but it really echos what you said about speaking in the moment, not hours later. It was actress Jamie Lee Curtis, and she was talking about meeting her husband, but she was talking about how decisions you make in a matter of moments...in 2 seconds, could change the rest of your life. She talked about how in her mind, there was always the "what-ifs" and the doubts about life, but when it came to her husband, she made decisions in mere seconds. And....man that really spoke to me. Especially combined with your post, as they really bounce off each other. If you make the wrong choice in the moment. If you hesitate, as I tend to do....you may miss out.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 24, 2021 Author Posted March 24, 2021 8 hours ago, FMW said: I don't know, I seem to be in the minority here. It seems like a great deal of this is because of HIS poor communication/social skills. Asking you about places to eat but never actually asking you out to eat: It's not difficult to follow up your suggestions, that he solicited, with at least saying "do you want to go" even if it was a time to be determined, especially since you joked about him taking the day off so the two of you could go to one of the places. There was nothing left for you to say since he made no response. Pulling in to a spot for only a matter of seconds and then leaving: I probably would have said something about getting out, BUT if he took off within a matter of seconds I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that he didn't want to and just letting it go. Even if he did take off his seat belt, he still should have asked if you wanted to get out, not just assumed it was going to happen and then bolt when you didn't immediately take your seat belt off. Walking out of the room and going to sit down without saying a word at his house: When you're just getting to know each other he should absolutely say something like let's go sit down, not just head off without a word expecting you to immediately follow. Asking when you were going home - twice: I would have definitely taken that as a hint to leave, so I see nothing wrong with what you did. You may have a history of being anxious and insecure about guys, but honestly with how you describe this I don't know that I would have perceived things much differently. And I would probably be kind of annoyed with him for saying you were hard to understand. Pot - Kettle. If you want to try to keep things going, I agree with the suggestion to call him and ask him out and pay. I would then definitely find the right time to bring up all the little miscommunications and explain your interpretations of his words/actions/inactions so that he has a chance to see how things seemed to you. He seems to be interested in you, but you are both going to have to work on your communication. I've actually called him "Kettle" before, as a joke. We are so similar, it's scary. Anything he could say about me- that I'm picky, disagreeable, awkward, hard to read- I could say right back to him and vice versa.
Versacehottie Posted March 24, 2021 Posted March 24, 2021 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I've actually called him "Kettle" before, as a joke. We are so similar, it's scary. Anything he could say about me- that I'm picky, disagreeable, awkward, hard to read- I could say right back to him and vice versa. Yeah I do see him as a version of you. That's why I'm confused as why he's getting the jerk comments and many are taking your account OP as factual. It's skewed through your anxious, overthinking mind. So I take it as a filter anxious, worried version. You two seem so similar. I would think you would understand why he would be misunderstood and have misstepped or been a bit awkward. Which is really on both of you. About all your suppositions of IF this, than this, a couple posts above...that is clearly overthinking it yet again. Don't live in the past. Make better decisions in the now--you should have less regret that way. You are ruminating.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 40 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Yeah I do see him as a version of you. That's why I'm confused as why he's getting the jerk comments and many are taking your account OP as factual. It's skewed through your anxious, overthinking mind. So I take it as a filter anxious, worried version. You two seem so similar. I would think you would understand why he would be misunderstood and have misstepped or been a bit awkward. Which is really on both of you. About all your suppositions of IF this, than this, a couple posts above...that is clearly overthinking it yet again. Don't live in the past. Make better decisions in the now--you should have less regret that way. You are ruminating. Oh I totally agree that it's on both of us. And while I don't want to live in the past, I definitely want to use the mistakes I have made in the past to make things better for going forward. Less thinking, more decision-making. Be expressive about my enjoyment. (I typically get sucked into an enjoyable moment and can be sort of in a daze, taking it all in.) Truly pay attention to what he does and what he says...being aware that x may not mean x....it may mean x, y, and z. Anyway, the past sort of gives me a blueprint of what not to do....and what I could do better. And yes, I totally get why he had misunderstandings and was awkward and....trust me, I've been there. So, I am completely empathetic. The thing is...when we are together, he is so talkative and knowledgable and chill....I tend to forget about his awkwardness. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: And yes, I totally get why he had misunderstandings and was awkward and....trust me, I've been there. So, I am completely empathetic. The thing is...when we are together, he is so talkative and knowledgable and chill....I tend to forget about his awkwardness. Lol, well embrace it with him. And give him positive feedback for being who he is in his awkwardness. Listen if both sides are awkward and misspeak or all that, you will need to get used to some of the awkwardness of it all. And better at communicating with him, seizing the moment (not getting stuck in your head) and take a lighthearted approach. Nothing is the end of the world or ominous. It's just dating
Recommended Posts