I've totally failed at dating. I'm turning 35 and not a damn thing to show for it.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? 

Almost all of us know how it feels to have what we thought was a great relationship pulled out from underneath us.  It sucks.   But if you're able to pull all these one night stands, I'd say you have the looks, style and personality to attract a women you like.  You're in a much better situation than a person of your age who's never had dated or had sex.  

What is it that you'd actually like to do? 

If you'd like to be in a relationship, you'll need to address the fear that is holding you back.  Have you done any work with a therapist to recover from the previous breakup and learn strategies for understanding and coping with the potential for heartbreak?

Or do you just want more one nights stands?  If so, you'll just have to wait COVID out.  

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Angelle said:

I can relate. It does suck, but your "one" could show up at any time. Her relationship could also go south, at any time. I've seen couples on social media - some famous, some not - who seem to be ideal for each other, have been together for years, etc, etc. It can feel really bad, when it seems like it's never going to happen for you (I really doubt that I will ever have it myself). Couples like that have broken up suddenly, and sometimes you get to hear what happened, sometimes you don't. Really, it's a reminder to not get wrapped up in someone else's life appearing to be perfect, although I struggle with it myself. Wondering why some people get to meet someone so good for them, when they're young, and they really do build a life together, and love each other. 

Yes. I think if you're fortunate to have had one really good relationship it's a blessing but also two people that are compatible and work together well. But, it must be hard to have had none.

Edited March 22, 2021 by Alpaca

[Tooru Oikawa]

Odd part is that I can relate a little however I am not letting the certain person go, which is highly stupid I realize I just do not know. However you can find someone who will truly love you, just keep looking. i know it will hurt on the way but you can read the very first quote i wrote on my profile. It WILL happen one day.

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship.

How is that even remotely fair?

Nobody's ever said that about me. I threw up my hands and said "Fine, I'll just stick to random one night stands. Problem solved." I never have to get dumped again. Then the pandemic happened and suddenly I couldn't even do one night stands anymore, it wasn't safe. I'm vaccinated now, but all I can think about when it comes to putting myself out there lousy my luck has been.

How is that so many people end up finding relationships with constant amazing sex and then the rest of us never figure it out?

I'm just so pissed off about how my luck's been. 

I totally understand why you feel jilted. You are a good guy and you treated her well. But, it wasn't good enough for her. That doesn't mean some other woman won't be 100% grateful to have you in her life. If you can find a way to reframe your view of your situation to be one that's more optimistic, you will find a woman who wants to be in a relationship with you again. 

Not every relationship lasts, even if we think it will or want it to. Does that mean you should just give up? No, it doesn't. It means, that you just keep dating until you find the right person who wants to be with you and stays with you. 

The hard part of dating is the unknown. People make all sorts of promises to us when we meet them. They future talk. They promise they will be with us for a long time. But, as you learned, people LIE. If you can recognize the red flags from future women you meet online or in person who seem like they may be dateable long-term, you can save yourself much misery. 

Stop the ONS and reset your mindset to be one of more positivity. You have value to offer a relationship. Think higher of yourself. That will attract the right woman. 

 

[Noproblem]

Op it's ok.

First other people don't define you. Whether they are happy or not, that doesn't concern you. At the same time there are happy couple, there also abused miserable ones.

Secondly, what that girl did doesn't mean you are not lucky, quiet contrarily it means you got so lucky that a girl who didn't really love, didn't get to steal more than 6 months of your lives, instead of 1 year or 10 years or even more.. So you got super lucky.. Count your blessings.

Third, the pandemic robbed a year and a half from all of us. Many single people or people who were stuck in bad relationship, felt bad and alone during that time. It's not just you, it screwed most of us. 

Fourth, one night stand might seem fun as  concept, but it also ends in bad attachment, or even diseases, so choose wisely and don't give up on dating just because you were "saved from a grave mistake" by being left before Christmas. 

fifth, it's not about sex or being in a relationship, there are other stuff in life that make us happy.. Find new hobbies, make new friendships, or join an online class and zoom lectures. Learning is also a beautiful journey for the soul. Or just spend your time on video games and stock market, that's also fun!

Just let go of these bad feelings, forgive that girl and thank her for saving you from a big mistake by spending 1 more minute with her and also at the same time, try to better yourself in other aspect.. Look more clean and better, look fit, eat healthy, stop drinking too much, try to be more successful at your work ..  and do things in moderation.

 

Anyway life is short.. Don't waste it on feeling bad about yourself. You are awesome! and Life is seldom fair, so what we gonna do! 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Noproblem

[cyphorX]

On 3/22/2021 at 3:40 PM, dramafreezone said:

This reminds me of a quote from Rocky 3; "Friends don't owe, they do because they want to do."  You think doing things for her keeps her in love with you, and that's just not the case.  Some women fall in and stay in love with men that treat them like garbage, so that should tell you right there that whatever makes people fall in love has nothing to do with how much you give her or how much you do for her.  Again, it's about how you make her feel. 

Actually, doing so much stuff for her can have the opposite effect.  Buying stuff for her can come across as a bribe and as if you're less than.  It's approval seeking behavior.  You don't think that you could just be who you are, without the gifts, without the dinner and that'd be enough?  No, you think you have to do all of this stuff so her highness will stay with you.  Anyone with money can buy stuff, take out to dinner.  It does nothing to make her feel sexy, or to gain her respect.  Learn from these mistakes.

 and sadly those who don't do all that stuff tend to have a hard time in the modern dating world.

[cyphorX]

14 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Op it's ok.

First other people don't define you. Whether they are happy or not, that doesn't concern you. At the same time there are happy couple, there also abused miserable ones.

Secondly, what that girl did doesn't mean you are not lucky, quiet contrarily it means you got so lucky that a girl who didn't really love, didn't get to steal more than 6 months of your lives, instead of 1 year or 10 years or even more.. So you got super lucky.. Count your blessings.

Third, the pandemic robbed a year and a half from all of us. Many single people or people who were stuck in bad relationship, felt bad and alone during that time. It's not just you, it screwed most of us. 

Fourth, one night stand might seem fun as  concept, but it also ends in bad attachment, or even diseases, so choose wisely and don't give up on dating just because you were "saved from a grave mistake" by being left before Christmas. 

fifth, it's not about sex or being in a relationship, there are other stuff in life that make us happy.. Find new hobbies, make new friendships, or join an online class and zoom lectures. Learning is also a beautiful journey for the soul. Or just spend your time on video games and stock market, that's also fun!

Just let go of these bad feelings, forgive that girl and thank her for saving you from a big mistake by spending 1 more minute with her and also at the same time, try to better yourself in other aspect.. Look more clean and better, look fit, eat healthy, stop drinking too much, try to be more successful at your work ..  and do things in moderation.

 

Anyway life is short.. Don't waste it on feeling bad about yourself. You are awesome! and Life is seldom fair, so what we gonna do! 

 

 it's funny how people think hobbies and friendships are anywhere near as good as sex and relationships. makes me thing they have never experienced sex or deep romantic relationships for any amount of time.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, cyphorX said:

 it's funny how people think hobbies and friendships are anywhere near as good as sex and relationships. makes me thing they have never experienced sex or deep romantic relationships for any amount of time.

Of course it's not the same but when you feel down it makes you concentrate on something else than your loss/pain/bitterness. I feel much better when my day is full and I'm out and about then those days I stay in my pj's letting my mind make a list of everything I've lost.

[Miss Spider]

On 3/21/2021 at 11:42 PM, Redguitar35 said:

I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship.

How is that even remotely fair?

Nobody's ever said that about me. I threw up my hands and said "Fine, I'll just stick to random one night stands. Problem solved." I never have to get dumped again. Then the pandemic happened and suddenly I couldn't even do one night stands anymore, it wasn't safe. I'm vaccinated now, but all I can think about when it comes to putting myself out there lousy my luck has been.

How is that so many people end up finding relationships with constant amazing sex and then the rest of us never figure it out?

I'm just so pissed off about how my luck's been. 

Well, in your last thread you stated you just wanted casual sex because sex is all that’s good about rships and the rest is bs. No offense, but it sounds really bitter. You can’t be surprised that you aren’t finding good relationships candidates with that attitude? I say you need to work on fixing your frame of mind, first and foremost. You may need some time. But stop catastrophizing. It’s going to be okay. Oh and stop e-stalking what your ex is up to and work on finding your own idea of happiness, whatever that may be. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough