Jump to content

I've totally failed at dating. I'm turning 35 and not a damn thing to show for it.

Redguitar35

By Redguitar35
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Redguitar35 Established Member

Redguitar35

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship.

How is that even remotely fair?

Nobody's ever said that about me. I threw up my hands and said "Fine, I'll just stick to random one night stands. Problem solved." I never have to get dumped again. Then the pandemic happened and suddenly I couldn't even do one night stands anymore, it wasn't safe. I'm vaccinated now, but all I can think about when it comes to putting myself out there lousy my luck has been.

How is that so many people end up finding relationships with constant amazing sex and then the rest of us never figure it out?

I'm just so pissed off about how my luck's been. 

Edited by Redguitar35
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you're struggling.  

From what I read, you've had one relationship.  Is this correct?   If this is the case, your luck is no worse than anyone else's.   The difference between what you're experiencing and that of those who have relationships is that you didn't try again.   

Thing is, most of us who are in a successful, long term relationship date quite a number of people, have a number relationships and hopefully find the one who works for us and stay with them.    Yes, it's true that many of the relationships we try don't work, and it's true that the end of a relationship with someone we cared about can be incredibly painful.  But after we grieve, we pick ourselves back up and start afresh.   Developing resilience is key.

Why not have another crack at it?

  • Like 5
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

I can see how that must be a source of frustration for you. Relationship problems are often common but surmountable. Basil67 mentioned "resilience" which I think is highly important (and something many of us struggle with).

  • Like 1
winny Established Member

winny

Posted
Posted

I know movies and novels would like for people to believe that there is someone out there for everyone but thats not a law of nature and so its not true. Relax..! Life has so much else to offer.. don’t beat yourself up about this.

searching heart Member

searching heart

Posted
Posted

attitude is everything   I sense a bit of anger. maybe your dates, relationships  sense the same?  happy and drama free  is how you wish to portray yourself try it and see if things change 

  • Like 6
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

You have really yourself to blame.
You had a relationship it went pear shaped which is what relationship are wont to do.
Instead of picking yourself up, getting over it, and diving in again like everyone else has to do, you chose the one night stand route. 
With the pandemic that has blown up in your face.
This wasn't about luck or chance, you chose this.

  • Like 7
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

My mother always said we create our own luck.  Turning toward ONS was not a solution to land a relationship. You probably needed that phase and you went through that's fine but now if you want a relationship you have to set the clock back to 0 and not look behind but forward.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I'm just so pissed off about how my luck's been. 

But this isn't about luck. 

You had a relationship that didn't work out, and I can see why that was hurtful and disappointning. Many of us have been there, a few times. 

But then you chose a path that does not lead to relationships (ONS)  So, you can't really moan about bad luck and how unfair it all is when you are standing in your own way. You can't binge on junk food and then expect to still lose weight. 

When you take ownership over your own decisions, and stop positioning yourself as the victim, you will have more success. 

  • Like 7
heavenonearth Established Member

heavenonearth

Posted
Posted (edited)

You don't just get for a woman to be interested in you just because you exist. It takes effort.

Women don't owe you anything. []

 

 

 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal attack
  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

I think whether you want a relationship or ONS's the first thing you need to do is take care of the cynicism and anger. IMO, THAT'S what is repelling people from you.

 I vaguely remember when you used to post before & i don't remember this being your underlying tone at all.  I'd guess that is a huge part of what is going on.  I know if a guy was thinking like you are now and saying the sorts of things you are, that bubbles under the surface and it's a complete turn off for the majority of girls. 

I'm going to take a funny example if you want ONS's which it sounds like you do atm.  James Bond (or really any other player type as depicted on screen or IRL), isn't cynical around women.  Easy, breezy, enjoying life.  Stop by this island, drop into the casino, stake out some awful & dangerous criminal, no big deal---oh there's a sexy little thing over there...hello :)  oops, let me just kill this guy while I head over your way...:) 

Part of the appeal of all these player guys is they approach the world as if they can easily handle whatever is thrown your way.  If a person acts beat down or whiney, it tends to drive people away.  It's like presenting yourself as a burden to the very people who need to imagine that spending time with you IN ANY WAY will take their problems away and fulfill some fantasy for them (even sweet, innocent ones).  If you've hit the point where you are depressed, you need to address that.   

*a lot of time people will say that no one can tell what i'm thinking or I don't say it aloud about the negative thoughts they are having and poor use belief system but it definitely comes out in everything.  The way you phrase even innocuous sentences and your body language and ways you direct general surface conversation.  Once negative thinking patterns are really etched in, it can be kind of hard to change them. They serve as SOME COMFORT to you, which is too much to get into but they do that's why people default to them, ie it feels a little better & easier to complain than to RISK the harder work and take a chance that doing something different will get you what you really want.

 

  • Like 5
  • Author
Redguitar35 Established Member

Redguitar35

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

You don't just get for a woman to be interested in you just because you exist. It takes effort.

Women don't owe you anything. []

 

 

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoted post
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? 

How long was that?

It's a horrible thing that happened to you but if we start comparing the horrible ways we were dumped after giving 100% of ourselves to a relationship, you will not win this contest. Sh&t happens!! You break down, lick your wounds, then get back up and the saddle and try to do better next time. 

Edited by Gaeta
  • Like 8
  • Thanks 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted (edited)

you might be stung and it could have hurt a lot--as it sounds like it did.  I think you just want to be really careful of getting STUCK, as it seems like you are at the moment.  

Here's the thing: if she did all this stuff and caused you these problems WHILE you were with her and NOW you STILL carry the pain and anger and resentments of these incidences (and your interpretations) with you, it just will continue to hurt you and destroy your forward progress as an INDIVIDUAL.  That's kind of silly if you think about it: if the time was wasted WITH her and now you are going to let more time waste by being angry about the time wasted with her.  At some point you need to "move on" mentally, rather than let your feelings about this drag you down further.

All relationships are a risk of some sort. You can hope they turn out one way but there are no guarantees.  If you embrace this concept more, then you will probably feel the pain less knowing it is a risk that you must take in order to have any sort of relationship. And it applies to everyone, anyone--so everyone takes this risk and might face a relationship that doesn't turn out as they hope--so it's inescapable 

Edited by Versacehottie
  • Like 1
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted (edited)

It doesn't sound like you got over her. Go no contact. Stop following her. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to move on a be a good partner to someone.

 

The thing with relationships if that you never know if it's try #1 or try #20 that will work out. All you can do is know yourself enough and keep trying. If you are the type who finds it too scary to try (i.e., going the ONS route) to be honest you are probably going to repel anyone capable of putting their hearts on the line and giving you what you want. You need to smartly figure out how to put yourself back out there, figure out what you want, and work on figuring out whether the woman is a likely match before getting too invested. Then let the rest unfold. Right now in this state you are probably attracting women who aren't emotionally available which is just reinforcing the bad stuff. 

 

I have no idea with your ex but it sounds like potentially she may not have been emotionally available and you weren't either. It's not uncommon in that dynamic for one person to be pushing commitment and the other person isn't on the same page 'trying'. Some people push for commitment when they know deep down it's not available to hide their own unavailability. It sounds like you just went the other extreme of the same issue with ONS.

 

You also sound angry and bitter. I agree with everyone else this will repel anyone half way decent from getting involved with you.

Edited by Miss Peach
  • Like 2
ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted

By age 35 you should have learned by now that life isn't fair.  And relationships aren't about luck.  It's largely about your attitude and your outlook.  If you want a relationship then you have to put yourself out there and keep trying.

  • Like 9
dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship.

How is that even remotely fair?

Nobody's ever said that about me. I threw up my hands and said "Fine, I'll just stick to random one night stands. Problem solved." I never have to get dumped again. Then the pandemic happened and suddenly I couldn't even do one night stands anymore, it wasn't safe. I'm vaccinated now, but all I can think about when it comes to putting myself out there lousy my luck has been.

How is that so many people end up finding relationships with constant amazing sex and then the rest of us never figure it out?

I'm just so pissed off about how my luck's been. 

What does fair have to do with anything?

If your ex wasn't in love with you, then that's just the way it is.  I'm sure she wishes she was because no one wants to break up with anyone and cause them pain.  But if she wasn't feeling it, then she did the kinder thing.  Staying with you when she wasn't feeling it would eventually cause both of you pain.

Next, I would suggest that you stop thinking that everyone is having an amazing relationship with amazing sex.  That's not the case, and more often than not if you see someone boasting about their relationship on IG or FB then it's actually not going that well.  People will great relationships don't brag about it.

Finally, stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Take some responsibility for how you've ended up.  Have you been weak in relationships?  Being too compliant, too available, not standing up for yourself?  I'm willing to bet most if not all of those things apply to you.

If you take nothing else away from this thread today, please remember this; people fall in love with how the other person makes them feel.  They don't fall in love with the person themselves.  You have to become a man that she respects, that makes her feel sexy and desired.  That means you never stop dating her, making her feel special, but also make sure to always stand up for yourself and not allow her to walk over you.  Never tolerate disrespect and be your own man with your own set of interests and hobbies that don't necessarily involve her.  Trying harder doesn't mean anything if you're not doing the things that command respect and makes her feel desired and lucky to be with you.

Consider today the beginning of your new life, and get after it.

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 5
mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I'm just so pissed off about how my luck's been. 

It's certainly frustrating/disappointing when a person we really like/had a relationship with chooses another. I think the vast majority of us have been there at one point or another in their life. I certainly have.

Echoing several of the posts above, consider "working on yourself" to make yourself as attractive as possible, develop a confident, positive, and somewhat cavalier attitude, and moving to a larger urban area. Then ensure you have a decent income and/or career prospects.

All this is easier said than done, but if you can pull it off in all likelihood the women will come to you (particularly the unattached over 30 women). At that point your "problem" becomes which one of them to pick.

At 35 you are nowhere near your "sell by date" let alone expiration. If you can pull off the suggestions above, the best years of your life, romantically speaking, may well be ahead of you.

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, cyphorX said:

Deleted

@Redguitar35: We become the stories we tell ourselves. Stop being fatalist. I spent 3,5 years online and I was played, lied to, mislead, heck I was even kidnapped once! I have never played the victim! I just got back on the saddle and tried again, and again. I have just lost a relationship of 5 years and I am hopping back on that saddle in a couple of months to search again. You are 35 years old for godness sake! Shake it off!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post
  • Like 5
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

I agree with Mark.  It's interesting bc when I read the OP's thoughts about his ex-gf, it feels like he's only mad because his "investment" didn't pay off not sad because he's still desperately in love with her & wishing he could be with her or anything like that.  Such a weird phenomena of really mainly being pissed that your investment didn't go as you hope so NOW the solution is to take on an attitude that will ruin other relationships for you. 

I think you need to concentrate on living in the present, OP.  Also there usually is some sort of freedom that comes with letting go of a relationship that doesn't serve you fully or is some sort of a burden--concentrate on that.  And it's a perfect time for self-growth. In whichever way (health, interests, looks, and I've already said something about the mindset stuff).  All of this is stuff you can use to reel in girls for relationships or even just hookups.  Who wouldn't want to take advantage of that?  If you can make your life better and are choosing not to, but would rather complain about what is and isn't fair, what does that telegraph to others about what you are about or how "fun" it would be being with you? For a ONS, your main attributes have got to be looks, charm and sense of fun.  What are you doing to make sure those are the messages that you are sending out into the world?

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
vla1120 Established Member

vla1120

Posted
Posted

You sound like my 37yo daughter. She and I were just talking about how much "bad luck" she's had at dating. In her case, she wasted years on the wrong guys. Everyone around her could see those relationships were not going to work, but she was blind. Now, her bio-clock is ticking and she's been hurt and cheated on so many times she doesn't trust anyone, so she's given up and has resigned herself to being an old spinster cat lady.

What she doesn't realize is that she killed her own chances with all her "rules" about dating - no one with kids, no one who's been married or engaged before, no one she works with, no one who smokes (tobacco or 4/20 friendly), no one who jumps between jobs, no one who plays video games too much, and the list goes on. She basically ruled herself out of ever meeting someone decent because of all these stipulations. Hell, if she asked you how you are today, and you answered "I'm good" instead of "I'm well" that was a no. She is just a little TOO picky.

I'll tell you what I told her. Number one - STOP following your ex on social media. Block that stuff! Number two - relax and don't "size up" every single female you meet as possible relationship material. Stop the ONS. I don't know where you live, but slowly, as people get vaccinated, the restrictions are lifting. Get involved in a singles group that does things on the weekend like hiking, sports (or whatever you're interested in - shared interests can be a great ice breaker.) Actually, if you've had no problems arranging a string of ONS, then you probably won't have a problem meeting women. You just have to relax and put yourself out there.

  • Like 2
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

Aside from the dismissiveness, I believe the OP is entitled to be disappointed. Feel free to express yourself; we all have the right to do so.

What has kept you stuck for the past three years?

  • Like 2
Angelle Established Member

Angelle

Posted
Posted

I can relate. It does suck, but your "one" could show up at any time. Her relationship could also go south, at any time. I've seen couples on social media - some famous, some not - who seem to be ideal for each other, have been together for years, etc, etc. It can feel really bad, when it seems like it's never going to happen for you (I really doubt that I will ever have it myself). Couples like that have broken up suddenly, and sometimes you get to hear what happened, sometimes you don't. Really, it's a reminder to not get wrapped up in someone else's life appearing to be perfect, although I struggle with it myself. Wondering why some people get to meet someone so good for them, when they're young, and they really do build a life together, and love each other. 

  • Like 1
lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

Posted
Posted

I do think there's a component of luck to everything, including relationships, but it's certainly much less of a deciding factor than choices and attitude. By the same token, I don't see how you reach age 35 and think anything in the world is "fair". 

Your ex broke up with you and went on to develop new relationships. You made a choice that effectively cut off the possibility of new relationships. Of course it's reasonable to be upset and vent a bit, but do you feel ready to make the kinds of choices that would actually give you a shot at the outcome you want? If not, why not?

  • Like 1
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? 

Who is telling you that shouldn't hurt you? I don't see anyone suggesting you are wrong to have been stung by that. 

It's the choices you've made thereafter that have led you to where you are today. One painful break-up doesn't need to control your destiny with other relationships. You're not making choices that are conducive to finding a long-term partner. Nobody can fix that but you. If you choose not to, well, who's really to be held accoutnable for that?

You. 

  • Like 4
dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? 

This reminds me of a quote from Rocky 3; "Friends don't owe, they do because they want to do."  You think doing things for her keeps her in love with you, and that's just not the case.  Some women fall in and stay in love with men that treat them like garbage, so that should tell you right there that whatever makes people fall in love has nothing to do with how much you give her or how much you do for her.  Again, it's about how you make her feel. 

Actually, doing so much stuff for her can have the opposite effect.  Buying stuff for her can come across as a bribe and as if you're less than.  It's approval seeking behavior.  You don't think that you could just be who you are, without the gifts, without the dinner and that'd be enough?  No, you think you have to do all of this stuff so her highness will stay with you.  Anyone with money can buy stuff, take out to dinner.  It does nothing to make her feel sexy, or to gain her respect.  Learn from these mistakes.

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...