Happy taking things slow?

[trident_2020]

Well sure, you're free to do as you please with anyone you want as long as it's legal and between 2 consenting adults.

I guess I'm not getting the point of having the talk afterwards. What if he says "sorry not ready for exclusivity", then you just had sex with a guy who is now moving on to someone else which makes the sex meaningless. So if you're willing to have meaningless sex then why have an exclusivity talk at all?

The logic escapes me, that's all.

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

In my experience, it is about the test drive. 
In life there are no guarantees. You have to trust the person you chose has good intentions towards you.  This does not mean they cannot change their minds 

You cannot get to exclusivity until sexual chemistry is determined.  You can only determine that by having sex.

Sorry for being off topic OP.

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

I guess I'm not getting the point of having the talk afterwards. What if he says "sorry not ready for exclusivity", then you just had sex with a guy who is now moving on to someone else which makes the sex meaningless. 

What are you suggesting trident, that sex is "meaningless" unless it's within or leads to an exclusive relationship?

I don't agree with that at all, and completely understand @lonelyplanetmoon's mindset about this.

Stacy, relax and enjoy the journey. Trust your boyfriend, have faith in your connection, stop walking on eggshells and don't be afraid to ask questions and speak your voice. 

Just now before getting back on the forum, I read something quite  poignant.

If you want something in life, in your relationship, ask for it.  Don't make assumptions, don't allow others to project and make assumptions, ask, communicate with your partner.

If you can't be honest about what you want and need with your parther, then what the hell is the point?  

Learn to be brave.  Same for him. Be brave together. 

Don't be afraid to take a risk and be vulnerable, that's how you build emotional intimacy.  Life and relationships offer no guarantees, ever.

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

Yes there are no guarantees but if two people have two different goals and differing levels of interest, someone is going to get hurt down the line 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Dis said:

Yes there are no guarantees but if two people have two different goals and differing levels of interest, someone is going to get hurt down the line 

True, but I don't see that happening here.  Not yet, it's too soon to tell, it's only been 3.5 months.

Sracy wrote:

>>He takes the time to think of things for us to do together when we see each other we don't just have sex, he cooks me breakfast every time we stay together, shows an interest in my life and genuinely treats me well.

This sounds lovely imo at 3.5 months.  Just right.

Slow down, there is no rush is there?  Trust him, have faith in your connection, that's all I'm suggesting.

Give him the space and time to continue moving towards you, towards loving you and wanting to be serious with you (Esther Perel).

If you can't do that Stacey, if you've been so hurt in the past, you see deception and dishonesty around every corner, then end the relationship and seek professional help. 

 

 

[Dis]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

True, but I don't see that happening here.  Not yet, it's too soon to tell, it's only been 3.5 months.

Sracy wrote:

>>He takes the time to think of things for us to do together when we see each other we don't just have sex, he cooks me breakfast every time we stay together, shows an interest in my life and genuinely treats me well.

This sounds lovely imo at 3.5 months.  Just right.

Slow down, there is no rush is there?  Trust him, have faith in your connection, that's all I'm suggesting.

Give him the space and time to continue moving towards you, towards loving you and wanting to be serious with you (Esther Perel).

If you can't do that Stacey, if you've been so hurt in the past, you see deception and dishonesty around every corner, then end the relationship and seek professional help. 

 

 

All of that sounds great but keep in mind you seem like you're okay with going with the flow, not hearing ILY for awhile...not all women can roll with being 'the cool girl' 

 

Plus....

 

He seems to take a much more casual approach whereas she wants to know where they stand and understandably wants more security than he is offering

 

IME, if you have to ask a guy to come out and address the relationship ie: exclusivity AND if the relationship if giving you enough anxiety to the point where you'll make a thread about it for advice

 

It's a no go 

[chillii]

Well l never understand this [] exclusivity [] talk. [ ]. Never did l ever need such a discussion - it was a given I would never even have considered seeing or sleeping with a woman seeing other men. l really can't believe at 3 1/2 mths how could you not know,  but if you don't then [ ] find out now. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed aggressive language

[winny]

If you are having sex then you must have the exclusivity talk so you don’t end up with some STD. 

[winny]

3 hours ago, Dis said:

Yes there are no guarantees but if two people have two different goals and differing levels of interest, someone is going to get hurt down the line 

I wish there was some sure shot way of never getting hurt  the better attitude is to know that no matter what happens you will be okay. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, winny said:

I wish there was some sure shot way of never getting hurt  the better attitude is to know that no matter what happens you will be okay. 

My sentiments exactly winny, and I have. At that place where I know no matter what happens, I will be OK. 

Better, stronger even for the experience.  I truly do feel that way!

And Dis, it's not that I'm okay playing the cool girl, BTDT already.  I simply believe in allowing things to progress naturally, organically, and having faith in the connection you have with your partner.  And having a certain trust until if/when (hopefully never) they prove otherwise.

That doesn't mean "going with the flow" not asking questions or discussing issues, the opposite, I posted that, she should! 

Ask him, communicate with him!  Versus assuming the worst, and relying on people who don't know him, or you, to determine the outcome. Like dumping him.

Anyway, despite a minor setback at 6 weeks in, things seems to be progressing nicely, and do not understand the negativity. 

If you're feeling anxious Stacy, just talk to him, confirm you are exclusive.

I did, with my recent ex, at around 2.5 months in.  And he looked at me like I had two heads lol and responded he thought we already were exclusive!  

Just like what chilli posted.

Good luck and keep us posted! 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Dis said:

IME, if you have to ask a guy to come out and address the relationship ie: exclusivity AND if the relationship if giving you enough anxiety to the point where you'll make a thread about it for advice

It's a no go 

Dis, there are folks with such severe anxiety and trust issues, unless their partner is joined at the hip with them 24/7, they will feel something is "off" and start a thread, you know this.

Their anxiety has very little to do with what their partner is or isn't doing, and they will self-sabotage virtually every relationship they have.

 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Dis, there are folks with such severe anxiety and trust issues, unless their partner is joined at the hip with them 24/7, they will feel something is "off" and start a thread, you know this.
Their anxiety has very little to do with what their partner is or isn't doing, and they will self-sabotage virtually every relationship they have.

OK but some men act so shady and inconsistent and "casual", that they trigger insecurity and anxiousness in women who are not normally anxious, women with no trust issues.
Their anxiety is caused by what their partner is doing.
Of course this is a big red flag and women need to filter out and discard men who are doing this to them, as this will not lead to a happy union. 
Too many do not listen to what their own body is telling them, their gut is screaming but they try to rationalise the irrational. 

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK but some men act so shady and inconsistent and "casual", that they trigger insecurity and anxiousness in women who are not normally anxious, women with no trust issues.
Their anxiety is caused by what their partner is doing.
Of course this is a big red flag and women need to filter out and discard men who are doing this to them, as this will not lead to a happy union. 
Too many do not listen to what their own body is telling them, their gut is screaming but they try to rationalise the irrational. 

Totally agree!   But do you see that happening here?  Stacy's boyfriend acting shady, inconsistent and casual?  

I don't.  The opposite, from what she posted.  

>>He takes the time to think of things for us to do together when we see each other we don't just have sex, he cooks me breakfast every time we stay together, shows an interest in my life and genuinely treats me well.

I see this as a positive, but @ Stacy, if you need exclusivity confirmation, just ask.

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Stacey123 said:

I'm looking for opinions please or experience of a similar situation that ended well?

I've been dating a guy for 3.5 months now with a 2 week break around 6 weeks in as he felt things had moved too quickly and he essentially panicked - I'd met his family, he met my friends and we had spent 4/5 days at a time together on several occasions. 

We spoke about things after a brief break of not talking and decided that we both liked each other and wanted to see where things go. 

Since then we speak every day have spent every weekend together and feel things are going well.

This weekend I asked him about his intentions and explained I've been feeling a little unsure on how he's feeling and he told me I have nothing to worry about and that his intentions in dating me are in the hopes it will into something serious. 

I didn't mention exclusivity as I didn't want to put unnecessary pressure on things. 

Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? Should I be asking for exclusivity or be happy to take things slowly?

Sorry this is happening. 14 weeks dating and already on/off, is a red flag.

Add to that him pumping the brakes and being lukewarm about you.

Some of this is way too much way too soon. You're suffocating each other with too much talking and too much time together.

Step back from all this. Continue to see your friends, family, enjoy your hobbies, interests,etc. more.

Unfortunately you're overinvesting. That pushes people away. However, this guy in particular is just not that into you.

Reflect if cutting your losses for a more enthused guy would save you some headaches and heartaches ahead.

[elaine567]

The problem here is him ducking out at 6 weeks and taking a 2 week break.
That essentially ruined it as far as she was concerned.
She does not trust him to stick around, she is waiting for him to do the same again and that is not a secure and comfortable place to be.
She asked regarding his intentions to try to reassure herself but the answer he gave was not enough to quell her unease.
He is safe and secure as he has a woman who stuck around despite him basically rejecting her.
She on the other hand is left wondering and waiting for the axe to fall again.

He can cook her breakfast and do all the "nice" things but he was probably doing all that before he decided to dump her the first time...

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

However, this guy in particular is just not that into you.

Wow @Wise, you see him as not being all that into her?

I'm not seeing that at all.

[Stacey123]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Some of this is way too much way too soon. You're suffocating each other with too much talking and too much time together.

Step back from all this. Continue to see your friends, family, enjoy your hobbies, interests,etc. more.

Unfortunately you're overinvesting. That pushes people away. However, this guy in particular is just not that into you.

Thanks for the reply. So you think that spending the weekend together is too much time? But also that I should have secured a commitment from him by now? 

In terms of over investing we do both still see our friends, we both have hobbies that we still pursue.

I don't think he's not into me - would someone who isn't into me want to spend each weekend together and speak to me every day? 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is him ducking out at 6 weeks and taking a 2 week break.
That essentially ruined it as far as she was concerned.
She does not trust him to stick around, she is waiting for him to do the same again and that is not a secure and comfortable place to be.
She asked regarding his intentions to try to reassure herself but the answer he gave was not enough to quell her unease.
He is safe and secure as he has a woman who stuck around despite him basically rejecting her.
She on the other hand is left wondering and waiting for the axe to fall again.

He can cook her breakfast and do all the "nice" things but he was probably doing all that before he decided to dump her the first time...

Yeah he did duck out at 6 weeks, which wasn't cool, but he didn't ghost, he explained it was moving too fast, this isn't all that uncommon in my experience.

But since he returned, ime from what Stacey has written, he's been consistent and treats her well, calls every day, plans dates and they spend weekends together.  

Other than Stacey herself being too afraid to ask for exclusivity to avoid adding "pressure" (which is totally on her), not quite sure what the issue is.

Just me, I view the path towards relationships much differently than many posters here..  Not saying my way is the right way, only right for me.

Anyway, @Stacey, follow your gut, if you feel something is off like many posters here do, then end it.

Good luck.

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Stacey123]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is him ducking out at 6 weeks and taking a 2 week break.
That essentially ruined it as far as she was concerned.
She does not trust him to stick around, she is waiting for him to do the same again and that is not a secure and comfortable place to be.
She asked regarding his intentions to try to reassure herself but the answer he gave was not enough to quell her unease.

That is essentially where the doubt is stemming from you're right. However, I also am trying to take into account the fact that things from his POV may be taken more slowly this time round so that the anxiety HE experienced doesn't happen again. What are your thoughts on that?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Stacey123 said:

 - would someone who isn't into me want to spend each weekend together and speak to me every day? 

There's sex involved so.....

He may be fine with the weekends, but he's clearly pumping the brakes as far as an exclusive relationship goes.

Try not to mistake into sex for into you.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

...but he's clearly pumping the brakes as far as an exclusive relationship goes.

Did I miss something Wise?

Stacey admitted to not asking for or confirming exclusivity to avoid adding pressure, how does that translate to him pumping the breaks?

Interesting how we all interpret this! 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, Stacey123 said:

However, I also am trying to take into account the fact that things from his POV may be taken more slowly this time round so that the anxiety HE experienced doesn't happen again

The issue is that he didn't just pump on the brakes he actually felt it necessary to break up with you.
I could be wrong but I think he likely thought he could do better or he actually found someone better.
2 weeks on he picked you up again...
If indeed he was panicked by the closeness, then dating commitmentphobes or other flaky types is often a waste of your time.
All in all, I am not convinced he is actually worth all the worry he is causing you.

[Calmandfocused]

This guy doesn’t know he wants and at 3.5 months he should IMO.
 

I don’t blame you for being anxious. He's broken your trust at the end of the day - by breaking up with you and then giving you wishy washy/ mixed messages thereafter. 
 

I understand there are cultural differences across the board here. I’m 42, English and have had a lot of relationships and been married once.  (don’t judge me please). What I can tell you is that I have never, in my life, had to have the “Am I your girlfriend?”, Are we exclusive?”conversation. Such a conversation would have been appeared highly ridiculous/ inappropriate. It was obvious! Clear as day! 
 

My last relationship tried to hint at something casual from the start and I made it very clear that I don’t “do that” . There’s no inbetween with me. I don’t continue to date men (especially at 3.5 months) who are dating/ pursuing other women. That’s my standard and I stick to it. Anyway I digress....
 

I’ve said this numerous times before but if your man is dragging his feet then he’s not all in. I don’t dispute that he’s good to you when you see him but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t see you as “Miss Right Right Now”. He’s making sure he’s got his Get out of jail free card lined up and ready. No commitment = freedom to do what you want whenever you want. 
 

You don’t trust him. You fear he’s going to leave again like he did the first time. 
 

You are going to have to have the conversation, it’s about time you know where you stand.  However  be prepared that you may not hear what you want to hear .....

 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[d0nnivain]

The beginning was definitely too fast. Spending 4 nights per week together & meeting all the important people during those 1st 6 weeks was way too intense.  I would have disappeared so fast if someone pressed that on me at that early stage.  Heck, I would have bolted if somebody wanted to talk to me 4 days a week in those 1st 6 weeks.  

But you got that under control & you are now down to every weekend at 3.5 months, talking every day.   That is still too much for me. I rarely move to talking every day until at least 6 months & nobody gets every weekend.  I always wanted at least one weekend off.  

Understand I'm way outside the norm & somebody who likes a lot of space.  

 

2 hours ago, Stacey123 said:

So you think that spending the weekend together is too much time? But also that I should have secured a commitment from him by now? 

In terms of over investing we do both still see our friends, we both have hobbies that we still pursue.

I don't think he's not into me - would someone who isn't into me want to spend each weekend together and speak to me every day? 

You definitely need to have the what are we talk at this point.  It's past time.  As "obvious" as relationship status may be to some people & I agree you should be able to tell, I have always needed the words.  To me, it's not official until you have the conversation.   

I'd set the stage with a nice meal & the dinner conversation starts with you telling him that you like where you two are now.  It feels comfortable & you are enjoying yourself.  Then you announce that you haven't seen anybody else since being with him & you were wondering where he was in all this.  

The rub becomes what you do now if you find out that he hasn't been exclusive or doesn't want to be.  Know how you will respond to that before you open the can of worms.  Personally I'd show him the door after all this time but that's just me.  

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Stacey123 said:

Thanks for the reply. So you think that spending the weekend together is too much time? But also that I should have secured a commitment from him by now? 

In terms of over investing we do both still see our friends, we both have hobbies that we still pursue.

I don't think he's not into me - would someone who isn't into me want to spend each weekend together and speak to me every day? 

Yes you see your friends and pursue your hobbies but never on the weekends. Spending all of your weekends together from Friday night to Sunday night is a lot for a relationship of 3 months. There is a trap in doing that, the trap of growing too familiar with each other too fast. There is no more courtship. Do you go out together? movies? walk the trails? practice a sport together? or he's just coming over? I understand he's sweet and he makes you breakfast but if he's not taking you out then he is being spoiled here by living the life of a king from Friday night to Sunday night.

At 3 months I am ok with a 10 mins phone call a day, no more.