Happy taking things slow?

[Stacey123]

I'm looking for opinions please or experience of a similar situation that ended well?

I've been dating a guy for 3.5 months now with a 2 week break around 6 weeks in as he felt things had moved too quickly and he essentially panicked - I'd met his family, he met my friends and we had spent 4/5 days at a time together on several occasions. 

We spoke about things after a brief break of not talking and decided that we both liked each other and wanted to see where things go. 

Since then we speak every day have spent every weekend together and feel things are going well.

This weekend I asked him about his intentions and explained I've been feeling a little unsure on how he's feeling and he told me I have nothing to worry about and that his intentions in dating me are in the hopes it will into something serious. 

I didn't mention exclusivity as I didn't want to put unnecessary pressure on things. 

Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? Should I be asking for exclusivity or be happy to take things slowly?

Edited March 21, 2021 by Stacey123

[Gaeta]

I personaly would never date a man 3,5 months without clarifying exclusivity.  To me exclusivity has to be established when we get intimate. Does it bother you he may be having sex somewhere else then go visit you?

Don't fear scaring a man away. If exclusivity scares him at 3 months then let him run, that will save you time. 

[Stacey123]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I personaly would never date a man 3,5 months without clarifying exclusivity.  To me exclusivity has to be established when we get intimate. Does it bother you he may be having sex somewhere else then go visit you?

Don't fear scaring a man away. If exclusivity scares him at 3 months then let him run, that will save you time. 

Hi Gaeta, I'm 99% certain he's not seeing other people. We spend all weekend together and when we aren't together we WhatsApp pretty regularly. When he's with me he doesn't use his phone unless it's to reply to friends/family. 

[Gaeta]

Women will often view men as easily scared deer that they have to tip toe around so he sticks in their lives. Don't you want a man in your life because he wants to be in it with his 2 feet and not just one foot in. 

Lets stop concentrating on him and lets concentrate on you. What do you want? If you're on here talking exclusivity I imagine it's something you value and wish? Then speak up. What you value is as important as what he values. 

Also, bringing up exclusivity will tell you where he is at in this relationship. He may surprise you with Of course we're exclusive, but he may also surprise you with I'm not ready for a relationship I want to go with the flow. Which in men's language means I will have sex with you until something better comes along. 

Stacey123, what you want, who you are, your time, your emotional investment has value. Make it known. 

Edited March 21, 2021 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, Stacey123 said:

Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? Should I be asking for exclusivity or be happy to take things slowly?

I have, and it was a deeply painful experience. That's all I have to say.

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, Stacey123 said:

Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? Should I be asking for exclusivity or be happy to take things slowly?

Neither. You shouldn't have to ask and you aren't going to be happy with things continuing like this indefinitely and you know this.

Sorry I don't see this working out long term he's a commitment-phobe like lots of guys probably due to bad past experiences, you're all set to jump into something and give it your all. You too are simply not in the same place, not even close.

Tiptoeing around the guy so he won't bolt isn't the answer, I don't see any realistic solution to be quite honest with you.

 

[Dis]

Soooo, he's basically saying,

 

Hey girl, I'm going to dangle this carrot in front of you, making you think I'll actually want what you want...maybe...down the line oh and in the meantime, let's smash 

 

Ugh. Do better for yourself xoxo

[Stacey123]

10 minutes ago, Dis said:

Soooo, he's basically saying,

 

Hey girl, I'm going to dangle this carrot in front of you, making you think I'll actually want what you want...maybe...down the line oh and in the meantime, let's smash 

 

Ugh. Do better for yourself xoxo

I don't think it's a case of let's smash at all... maybe I'm being stupid?

He takes the time to think of things for us to do together when we see each other we don't just have sex, he cooks me breakfast every time we stay together, shows an interest in my life and genuinely treats me well.

[Dis]

1 minute ago, Stacey123 said:

I don't think it's a case of let's smash at all... maybe I'm being stupid?

He takes the time to think of things for us to do together when we see each other we don't just have sex, he cooks me breakfast every time we stay together, shows an interest in my life and genuinely treats me well.

And if he's having sex with other women (which you don't know he's not) and meanwhile you're sticking around all hopeful, loyal and glowey eyed.... is that him treating you well? 

[Stacey123]

5 minutes ago, Dis said:

And if he's having sex with other women (which you don't know he's not) and meanwhile you're sticking around all hopeful, loyal and glowey eyed.... is that him treating you well? 

I don't know 100% that he isn't your right. But I genuinely don't know when he would have time to be meeting other women.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Women will often view men as easily scared deer that they have to tip toe around so he sticks in their lives. Don't you want a man in your life because he wants to be in it with his 2 feet and not just one foot in. 

Lets stop concentrating on him and lets concentrate on you. What do you want? If you're on here talking exclusivity I imagine it's something you value and wish? Then speak up. What you value is as important as what he values. 

Also, bringing up exclusivity will tell you where he is at in this relationship. He may surprise you with Of course we're exclusive, but he may also surprise you with I'm not ready for a relationship I want to go with the flow. Which in men's language means I will have sex with you until something better comes along. 

Stacey123, what you want, who you are, your time, your emotional investment has value. Make it known. 

I love this^^^^^ bolded.

This bolded sentence would solve about 25-30% of the threads on this site

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Stacey123 said:

I don't know 100% that he isn't your right. But I genuinely don't know when he would have time to be meeting other women.

Well, my boyfriend slept at my place 6 nights a week and guess what he was doing his 1 night at his place. 

Your boyfriend doesn't sleep 7 nights a week with you.  

Back to you: If your boyfriend considers himself exclusive and wouldn't dream of having sex with another woman while dating you, then why being scared of bringing it up with him? 

You're feeling anxious about this, the reason is there is a small part of you who thinks he may not consider himself exclusive. 

[Dis]

22 minutes ago, Stacey123 said:

I don't know 100% that he isn't your right. But I genuinely don't know when he would have time to be meeting other women.

I lived with my ex and he somehow found the time to cheat on me with several women

 

But at the end of the day, the others are right. If a casual relationship isn't what you want, it's not worth it. This is about what YOU want. It kind of seems like you're just going with his pace and settling for his lax approach about the relationship while ignoring what you want. 

 

If I were in a casual relationship I'd be anxious too. It wouldn't mesh well with me. 

 

Just because you like this guy doesn't mean this is the right fit for you and if it's causing you anxiety...it's probably not a good thing for you 

[Lotsgoingon]

Let's back up: you guys should not be spending 4-5 days together each week. Do that once a month. And you definitely should not be spending even 2-3 days together before you have the exclusivity talk.

You've  been too passive here.

You guys should be seeing each on weekends, making it special and maybe one night a week, but that's AFTER you have the exclusivity talk. How did you let this go on for 3 1/2 months.

Look, if you're not used to spending 4 to 5 days with someone always around, doing so can be exhausting, especially if you're doing it repeatedly. 

You want to allow time for both of you to feel comfortable enough 4 to 5 days.

Most likely, the 4-5 days you spent together, you were reticent, trying to be nice, trying to not the offend--wrong! All wrong. 

When you're ready to spend that kind of time, you relax and start showing more of yourself to the other person. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Stacey123]

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Let's back up: you guys should not be spending 4-5 days together each week. Do that once a month. And you definitely should not be spending even 2-3 days together before you have the exclusivity talk.

You've  been too passive here.

You should guys should be seeing each on weekends, making it special and maybe one night a week, but that's AFTER you have the exclusivity talk. How did you let this go on for 3 1/2 months.

Look, if you're not used to spending 4 to 5 days without any person, doing so can be exhausting, especially if you're doing it repeatedly. 

You want to allow time for both of you to feel comfortable enough 4 to 5 days.

Most likely, the 4-5 days you spent together, you were reticent, trying to be nice, trying to not the offend--wrong! All wrong. 

When you're ready to spend that kind of time, you relax and start showing more of yourself to the other person. 

Sorry just to clarify. The 4-5 days a week together were at the very start of us dating that's not the case any more as we both realised that things moved too fast. 

We see each other at the weekends now usually Friday evening until Sunday evening. 

We're perfectly comfortable in one another's company - as said above he always puts thought into what we can do together at the weekends. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You should NEVER have spent 4 to 5 days together without first getting to know each other and first getting clear that you both want to date exclusively. 

Same with weekends. You guys are out of sorts. 

Are you afraid to speak up? Why are you being so passive here? I had gf's who would get in my face and say, "what is going on?!" And they didn't mean it as a question. 

[Stacey123]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You should NEVER have spent 4 to 5 days together without first getting to know each other and first getting clear that you both want to date exclusively. 

Same with weekends. You guys are out of sorts. 

Are you afraid to speak up? Why are you being so passive here? I had gf's who would get in my face and say, "what is going on?!" And they didn't mean it as a question. 

I'm not necessarily afraid to speak up and I guess my thoughts were that him telling me I don't have to worry and that his intentions are that he hopes this turns into something serious was a good thing?

[Sun Seeker]

You should talk to him and bring up the fact that you want to make this official and be exclusive and be boyfriend and girlfriend.

It's been 3.5 months already and you have met family and are sleeping together. If that's not serious, then I don't know what is. The fact he said he 'hopes it will turn into something serious' is a major red flag.

If he feels the same about you as you do about him, he will jump at the chance to make you his.

If he is still wishy washy then he is just keeping his options open.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Stacey123 said:

his intentions are that he hopes this turns into something serious was a good thing?

I had someone tell me this for an entire year. I am not saying it's what he's doing but those are often words used to keep you holding on when they're ambivalent about the relationship. 

How long he had been single when you met him?

[Stacey123]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I had someone tell me this for an entire year. I am not saying it's what he's doing but those are often words used to keep you holding on when they're ambivalent about the relationship. 

How long he had been single when you met him?

Yeah I hear what you're saying. He had been single for 2.5 years before we met and had been in a 6 year relationship before that. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Stacey123 said:

I've been dating a guy for 3.5 months now with a 2 week break around 6 weeks in as he felt things had moved too quickly and he essentially panicked 

In what ways did he feel it was moving too quickly, was he the one pushing it forward quickly?

And after 6 weeks of this, how exactly did he "panic," did he ghost you?  And then return 2 weeks later?

I agree with Trident, sounds like he has commitment issues, and I wish you the best of luck.

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Stacey123]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

In what ways did he feel it was moving too quickly and how exactly did he "panic," did he ghost you?  And then return 2 weeks later?

I agree with Trident, he has commitment issues, and I wish you the best of luck. 

No he didn't ghost me. We spoke about it and he said he felt things had moved really fast (I'd met his family and we had spent a lot of time together) and he was feeling anxious about it.

Edit: I didn't initiate seeing his family that was him and the time spent together was mutual initiation. 

My response was okay I respect your decision and if you aren't 100% sure then we should call it a day.

We then didn't speak for just over 2 weeks and he reached out and we spoke about things properly and decided that we both like each other and things moved forward from there.  

Edited March 22, 2021 by Stacey123

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am going on a year with my man and tend to get anxious as well.  Most of this anxiousness is self induced of course.
I loved Gaeta’s advice.  And have found that doing that (focusing on my wants) really helped me to get more grounded and lessen my insecurity.

I think that there is a difference between exclusivity and “relationship”.  They are different commitment levels.

Once I am sexually active with someone then, I expect exclusivity.  Deal breaker if he is having sex with others so I brought it up after we had sex the first time. He has to agree to be exclusive for me to continue having sex with him.  He agreed of course.  
But at 3 months we were still only dating.  I did not expect that he would not be dating other women at this point or talking to other women online etc.

But you cannot stay in this stage forever as you develop feelings as you spend more time together.  So between 4-6 months is about when I spoke to him about being bf/gf (relationship).

I value my time and am not going to waste it by staying with someone if they do not see a future with me after 6 months of getting to know each other.  
If he did not want to make it a relationship then it would have been a deal breaker. I would have walked.

But I still went through a considerable amount of anxiety getting to the 6 months so I am not saying it is easy.  
 

We are just wired differently men and women..  To him, he wanted a relationship from the beginning but just takes things day by day without definitions. Me, I want a roadmap for every turn lol. Neither are right or wrong.  You just have to communicate with each other to find understanding.

 

[trident_2020]

4 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Once I am sexually active with someone then, I expect exclusivity.  Deal breaker if he is having sex with others so I brought it up after we had sex the first time. He has to agree to be exclusive for me to continue having sex with him.

I think you're supposed to have the exclusivity conversation BEFORE having sex.

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

3 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

I think you're supposed to have the exclusivity conversation BEFORE having sex.

 

Wha??

Sorry I have to disagree.  But that is just me.

These are my expectations  No one else’s.