Euleronlove Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) Almost two months ago, my ex broke things off out of nowhere. We’ve both had pretty hard year. His mother passed 6 months ago, I had some health issues and my father was diagnosed with cancer. I believe he was the love of my life since this was my fourth long-term relationship and I’ve had experience with different partners. He was the best with me, loving, caring, honest. I think the reason he broke up with me is that he is unemployed, recently closed his business, and also feels inferior to all people, but hides it really well. He also has trust issues. And this was his first serious relationship. We were together for a year and 7 months and we were talking about a future together, wedding, we were even trying for kids. I think he may have gotten afraid to commit? We also lived together the whole time, we even decorated his new place together. I am aware of my own worth, of everything I put into the relationship and how unfair it was of him to break us off like that. I know I can get over him in time, but I just don’t seem to want to. I know he still loves me. How does someone stop loving overnight? I know if I start dating someone, it immediately means that he will never reach out for reconciliation, because I know him. Also, I want to travel to Mexico with a friend and I’m sure he will use that to justify the break up in his head. I am doing NC for me at the moment, and I was wondering if I should hold on to hope of getting back together? Has someone been in similar situation? Edited March 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added paragraphs and spacing for readability. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 I wouldn't hold out hope. Go to Mexico with your friend. See how he reacts but don't limit yourself for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Move on. A lasting relationship is a two way thing. It needs both people to feel the same about each other. Therefore it doesn't matter how you feel about him; he does not feel the same about you, otherwise he would not have ended things. Find someone who appreciates you for you and does not want to lose you, whatever obstacles life throws. You may know your own worth, but he does not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Why did he say he wanted to end it, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Euleronlove Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why did he say he wanted to end it, OP? He said that I have crossed all lines, the night he told me to move out, because I had a small argument with his friend the night before. It was no reason for breaking up as it was about miss understood comment... basically overreacting... I later found out that he told his sister (who I’m really close with) that I was acting like a royalty and that I resembled my mother too much sometimes (he didn’t like my mother at all) All of these things don’t make sense to me, as he hadn’t addressed prior. When I was packing up my things, I asked if he still loved me, he said no. Since then he has reached out several times, but not once he said that he’s sorry or wants me back. Last time we texted he mentioned what a nice time we had during lockdown last year, but I started NC the next day because I was feeling too crushed, and wanted to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 It sounds like he wanted to break up and was looking for a reason to blame you. I would not be interested in rekindling things with someone like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) I agree. He made up reasons to break up with you. Guys commonly do that when they grow tired of the relationship. And, instead of being a grown up and discussing why they need to end the relationship out of respect for the woman's feelings, men find it easier to LIE to the woman and blame her knowing she'll take on the guy's guilt for him, so he doesn't have to feel bad about ending things. It's crappy but it's how most guys operate. As with every break up, the real reasons are rarely actually shared by the person who does the dumping. Read actress Gabrielle Stone's book, 'Eat, Pray, F-M-L" b/c that poor woman found out her husband cheated on her with a nineteen year old for six months. After Gabrielle divorced him, she met another guy who seemed like Prince Charming including his family. He asked her to go on a month-long trip to Italy with him, five days after they met and she agreed. He introduced her to his family and they loved her. Then, two days before their Italy trip, he broke up with her. She decided to go to Italy anyway and they sat next to each other on the plane ride there. Talk about awkward. LOL Im just saying, your boyfriend ended the relationship with you and that stinks. However, the closure you need has to come from you, yourself. He will never give you the emotional closure you want him to. People rarely if ever provide that to the other person they dump. Do not wallow over this loser. Raise your vibration. You know that you deserve better than him, don't you? If you don't, then you'll chase after him. But that chase will be futile because he's ended it. If he wanted to stay with you, he would. It's just that simple. Edited March 21, 2021 by Watercolors 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 25 minutes ago, Euleronlove said: Since then he has reached out several times, but not once he said that he’s sorry or wants me back. Last time we texted he mentioned what a nice time we had during lockdown last year, but I started NC the next day because I was feeling too crushed, and wanted to heal. He's just breadcrumbing you, when he reaches out to you to reminisce about your relationship together. He does it for an ego boost. He's immature and you're feeding his ego by responding to his texts, b/c you miss the relationship and you reason that by staying in contact with him, he'll realize how wonderful you are and ask you to get back together with him. After the way he treated you? You deserve better. You can do better. Stop responding to his texts. Otherwise, you'll never be able to let go and move on with your life. Breadcrumbing is the oldest ego-booster game in the dating/breakup book. It's used by insecure, immature people. Stop engaging with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Euleronlove Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, Watercolors said: He's just breadcrumbing you, when he reaches out to you to reminisce about your relationship together. He does it for an ego boost. He's immature and you're feeding his ego by responding to his texts, b/c you miss the relationship and you reason that by staying in contact with him, he'll realize how wonderful you are and ask you to get back together with him. After the way he treated you? You deserve better. You can do better. Stop responding to his texts. Otherwise, you'll never be able to let go and move on with your life. Breadcrumbing is the oldest ego-booster game in the dating/breakup book. It's used by insecure, immature people. Stop engaging with him. I genuinely miss him as a person, because up until this break up, the relationship and he was so good to me. I know that he is immature and insecure, and I want to help him so bad, but on the other hand I know that it’s not my place. It’s up to him to grow up. He’s been so vulnerable in the past, he opened up to me everytime we/he had a problem, I’m just so surprised he shut down like this. I think he has some kind of quarterlife crisis, and it is so hard for me to let go I guess I’m just fishing for some reassurance that all people grow up at some point... Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Just now, Euleronlove said: I genuinely miss him as a person, because up until this break up, the relationship and he was so good to me. I know that he is immature and insecure, and I want to help him so bad, but on the other hand I know that it’s not my place. It’s up to him to grow up. He’s been so vulnerable in the past, he opened up to me everytime we/he had a problem, I’m just so surprised he shut down like this. I think he has some kind of quarterlife crisis, and it is so hard for me to let go I guess I’m just fishing for some reassurance that all people grow up at some point... I understand. However, the relationship was not good and he was not good to you. It's often a coping mechanism after a breakup, to distort the quality of the relationship. In truth, if your relationship with him was a healthy relationship and he actually respected you, you would be together. Also, you cannot fix him. That's not your job as a relationship partner -- to fix his issues. That's his responsibility. One thing you need to remember, is that we are not responsible for regulating other people's emotions (i.e. making them happy). We are only responsible for regulating our own emotional well-being. The point of a relationship is not to go into it, with the mindset that "he'll make me happy." He can't make you happy. He can add joy to your life. But you have to make yourself happy. That's not his job. Just as, it's not your job to teach your boyfriend how to be respectful to you, how to communicate and be emotionally available to you. If he can't do that -- he hasn't done that for the duration of your relationship -- then he is not a good relationship partner for you. Men are not renovation projects to be repaired by their relationship partner. This is not HGTV. I don't think you are surprised that he shut down. I think you are disappointed that this toxic relationship finally came to an end b/c you were trying to do all the heavy lifting and it wasn't working. And it never works, b/c a relationship requires both people to contribute; both people to self-regulate; both people to have clear boundaries and both people to respect each other. You can't force him to grow up. You can't force him to be the kind of relationship partner you want him to be. He is who he is. And he's not compatible with you. Or, he wouldn't have dumped you and treated you so poorly during your relationship as he has. Sugar coating the relationship is your emotional coping mechanism. Everyone does that after a breakup b/c its the mind's way of clinging to hope that the breakup is just temporary. If you are fishing for reassurance from us that he will take you back, none of us can provide that for you. If you are fishing from him via your text exchanges for reassurance that he'll take you back, he's told you already he won't. He's just breadcrumbing you b/c he knows you are easy to emotionally manipulate. He's not texting you because he wants to reconcile. I'm sorry for the harsh truth. The best thing you can do for yourself is to block his cellphone number and delete him from your social media. You need to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Euleronlove Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 20 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I understand. However, the relationship was not good and he was not good to you. It's often a coping mechanism after a breakup, to distort the quality of the relationship. In truth, if your relationship with him was a healthy relationship and he actually respected you, you would be together. Also, you cannot fix him. That's not your job as a relationship partner -- to fix his issues. That's his responsibility. One thing you need to remember, is that we are not responsible for regulating other people's emotions (i.e. making them happy). We are only responsible for regulating our own emotional well-being. The point of a relationship is not to go into it, with the mindset that "he'll make me happy." He can't make you happy. He can add joy to your life. But you have to make yourself happy. That's not his job. Just as, it's not your job to teach your boyfriend how to be respectful to you, how to communicate and be emotionally available to you. If he can't do that -- he hasn't done that for the duration of your relationship -- then he is not a good relationship partner for you. Men are not renovation projects to be repaired by their relationship partner. This is not HGTV. I don't think you are surprised that he shut down. I think you are disappointed that this toxic relationship finally came to an end b/c you were trying to do all the heavy lifting and it wasn't working. And it never works, b/c a relationship requires both people to contribute; both people to self-regulate; both people to have clear boundaries and both people to respect each other. You can't force him to grow up. You can't force him to be the kind of relationship partner you want him to be. He is who he is. And he's not compatible with you. Or, he wouldn't have dumped you and treated you so poorly during your relationship as he has. Sugar coating the relationship is your emotional coping mechanism. Everyone does that after a breakup b/c its the mind's way of clinging to hope that the breakup is just temporary. If you are fishing for reassurance from us that he will take you back, none of us can provide that for you. If you are fishing from him via your text exchanges for reassurance that he'll take you back, he's told you already he won't. He's just breadcrumbing you b/c he knows you are easy to emotionally manipulate. He's not texting you because he wants to reconcile. I'm sorry for the harsh truth. The best thing you can do for yourself is to block his cellphone number and delete him from your social media. You need to move on. Thanks a lot!! I really needed to hear *read* this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, Euleronlove said: Thanks a lot!! I really needed to hear *read* this I hope that it helps you gain your confidence back to move on from this relationship. You can do better. And, you will. Make a list of traits and expectations that you need from your most ideal relationship partner. Then, keep that checklist close by, so that when you are ready to date again, you can nix the men who don't meet ALL the criteria you know will bring you a fulfilling relationship, and not be heart broken about it, b/c you didn't waste time investing yourself with incompatible men. And, raise your self-worth up to a level where you will attract more compatible men, who will recognize you for what you have to offer and who won't try to tear you down like your current ex-boyfriend did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Stop responding to the breadcrumbs he throws you when he calls you to discuss meaningless memories. It satisfies him and leaves your head spinning. Live your life and stop worrying about the effect your actions may have on him or your odds of reconciliation. His given reasons for the breakup don't make sense, usually the dumpee never knows why they were dumped, you need to get to a place where you don't care, unless you know you did some pretty messed up things that need to be changed going forward. Accept that life isn't fair. Innocent children die of cancer, career criminals get away scott free, one person wins a million bucks in the lottery and somebody else gets maimed by a drunk driver. Such is life. Do what you can to make yours as fulfilling and satisfying as possible. Don't wait around for him or anyone else to decide you're good enough. That's for starters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 16 hours ago, Euleronlove said: I think he has some kind of quarterlife crisis, and it is so hard for me to let go I guess I’m just fishing for some reassurance that all people grow up at some point... A lot of dumpees around your age tell themsleves this, as a way of trying to make sense of their ex's seemingly sudden shift in behaviour. However, it's not usually a crisis of some type. A lot of relationships simply run their course as we grow and change and realize we want different things. I don't doubt that his mom's passing affected him, but someone who values you will usually lean into your support rather than toss you out. I think that perhaps you've had your blinders on here for a little while and have rationalized too much crappy behaviour on his part. In time, you will likely see that he was never lifelong-partner material for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Euleronlove Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: A lot of dumpees around your age tell themsleves this, as a way of trying to make sense of their ex's seemingly sudden shift in behaviour. However, it's not usually a crisis of some type. A lot of relationships simply run their course as we grow and change and realize we want different things. I don't doubt that his mom's passing affected him, but someone who values you will usually lean into your support rather than toss you out. I think that perhaps you've had your blinders on here for a little while and have rationalized too much crappy behaviour on his part. In time, you will likely see that he was never lifelong-partner material for you. Ofc I had my pink glasses on, I was totally enjoying the relationship. I just don’t know how someone can shift overnight like that. There weren’t any signs, I have run every damn situation over and over again looking for an answer 😅 Im 28 and he’s 30 yrs old btw Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Euleronlove said: Ofc I had my pink glasses on, I was totally enjoying the relationship. I just don’t know how someone can shift overnight like that. There weren’t any signs, I have run every damn situation over and over again looking for an answer 😅 Im 28 and he’s 30 yrs old btw And you'll likely never know why he changed his mind about dating you. That's just how it happens with relationships. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Overthinking as you're doing, is a coping mechanism. All you're doing is making yourself more anxious about everything by overthinking. The best thing you can do is stop texting with him now, block his phone number, block his social media, and focus on doing other things. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 On 3/21/2021 at 4:34 PM, Euleronlove said: He also has trust issues. Can you elaborate a bit on this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Euleronlove Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Can you elaborate a bit on this? Well he was jealous, and he would put up this wall when he got in that state, up to the point when he couldn’t look me in the eyes. Then we would talk for hours, until he rationalized his thoughts. He was aware that it was a problem, and he tried really hard to overcome it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 12 minutes ago, Euleronlove said: Well he was jealous, and he would put up this wall when he got in that state, up to the point when he couldn’t look me in the eyes. Then we would talk for hours, until he rationalized his thoughts. He was aware that it was a problem, and he tried really hard to overcome it. This is not normal. It's best not to enable this sort of behaviour by engaging in hours-long talks. It's up to him to resolve his insecurities, not you. Do you wonder if maybe he wasn't always the most loyal and was projecting that on you? It wouldn't be the first time a deeply suspicious person turned out to be the one behaving badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Euleronlove Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is not normal. It's best not to enable this sort of behaviour by engaging in hours-long talks. It's up to him to resolve his insecurities, not you. Do you wonder if maybe he wasn't always the most loyal and was projecting that on you? It wouldn't be the first time a deeply suspicious person turned out to be the one behaving badly. Oh I’m sure he was 100% loyal. I think the trust and jealousy issues were due to his very low self esteem... Link to post Share on other sites
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